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chapter forty-four

N.J.H.

Harry slipping the ring onto my finger was something I never thought I would love so much. When I accepted his proposal, Louis dropped his phone while my fiance broke down in sobs. The moment was completely unexpected, and I realized that our relationship was basically running on whether I accepted Harry's proposal or not.

"Why did you say yes?"

I look into the bathroom doorway as Harry walks out, his hair dripping and a pair of joggers hanging loosely on his waist. He sits next to me and folds his hands, giving me his undivided attention. I can't seem to find the right words to explain, so instead I sigh, trying to give myself time,

"You know--"

"I know," I sigh, "when I was in isolation, I started wondering, what if...what if you die?"

"Niall..."

"No let me finish Harry, what if you die and I never got to do these things with you when the opportunity came? Seeing my nan pass... it's making me wonder if I should make you wait forever."

"I can wait as long as you want me to."

"Good; I don't want you to wait anymore."

I hold up my left hand, admiring the ring,

"It's only been a few months, but I think we can do this. There's no law against it, and I think it'll be wild, you know? Something crazy we don't do."

He wraps his hair in a bun as he listens to me, cracking his fingers before luring me to lay with him,

"I'm not planning on leaving you any time soon babe, I hope you know that."

"I know darling," I kiss him before I lay back on his chest, "so...when should we do this?"

"After the shitstorm with Tiffany and my dad subsides. They are not coming to our wedding."

I giggle, agreeing quietly. He turns off the lights and I curl into his side,

"What color should we make everything?"

"Purple is a pretty nostalgic color."

"But are we gonna go for nostalgia?"

"...Why not?"

•

The week passes by rapidly, and eventually we're all packing to go to Jamaica. For some odd unrecognizable reason, I'm actually a little excited for the trip. It's practically a free vacation for Harry and I, and it's at a gorgeous resort we're staying at. I remember when we looked it up online, he couldn't stop talking about swimming in Jamaican waters.

And, the beautiful addition to the adventure (other than Louis and Zayn tagging along) is that we're engaged. The long curly haired man that I almost locked out of Marvel Studios is finally mine, and I never thought things would play out this way.

"Ready?"

I look at him in disbelief as I see he's already packed and dressed for the flight,

"What?! No! I was sitting here thinking about how after this I'm planning a wedding with my fiance!"

He giggles and kisses me before pinching my side,

"Ouch!"

"Come on, we can't exactly miss this one for another session babe. I've been ravishing you all weekend."

I blush at the mention of our multiple sexual interventions during this week alone. Harry really missed me when I was hiding out.

"Okay okay, let me get dressed really quick."

I take my time (which annoys him) and as soon as Louis and Zayn come with their tired faces and annoyed morning attitudes, the van comes to take us to the airport.

Louis and I walk towards the van as Harry and Zayn carry our stuff. We're extremely capable of carrying our own stuff, but this time around I can't help but let them carry it around.

"Are you excited for this wedding?" Louis asks me as we dive into the van.

"No not really," I reply honestly, "two people who don't have very nice roles in our lives, getting married? It's my worst nightmare."

"Same," he agrees, "at least you and Harry feel the same way. Zayn literally has wedding fever and it's making me sick. Why, of all weddings, does he have to love this one?"

"For your information," Zayn comes to defend himself, "I happen to love all weddings."

"Whatever Zayn, you're a traitor."

The two of them climb in, Harry perching himself next to me and Zayn opposite of me. The door shuts and our drive proceeds to begin. I rest my head on Harry's shoulder and suddenly memories of the last time we were driving to an airport flood in.

Good and bad times come from my airport trips with Harry; going to Los Angeles and coming back in a tighter relationship ever, then leaving America last minute to Ireland, because he felt the need to support me in my time of need.

No one just does those things for me, and it seems as if no one understands why I have the trust issues I have. When people suddenly start doing tremendous things such as flying halfway across the world with me for nothing, I start to really wonder if someone actually cares, or if it's all a big joke.

I guess this is what falling in love feels like; all this fear that it's going to fall apart. The bond Harry and I have created is so incredible, and I feel as if we're too toxic for this world, that we'll fall apart in a matter of seconds if I don't run away first.

The van bumps on a pothole and my body goes with it, causing me to hit my head on the roof.

"Ouch!"

"You okay?" Harry reaches over to check on my head and I smile. Typical overprotective Harry.

"My head is fine babe," I assure him.

"You sure?"

"My god; shut up. I'm okay!"

"Okay okay," he sighs, resting his head back on the car seat, "I'm gonna take a nap. Don't wake me up 'till we get there."

"How about I not wake you up at all?"

"Then you can forget getting married."

"Well wouldn't I be a saint, letting you sleep instead of waking you up from a peaceful slumber?"

"Uh..."

"Well?"

"I hate you."

"Love you more."

He rolls his eyes, sending me a wink before putting his headphones deep into his ears, tuning as all out. It's then when Louis squeals,

"Oh my god! You're engaged!"

"Oh god," I groan, covering my face. Every second he gets, he feels the need to mention my engagement.

"I never thought you would get married before me, let alone at all," he sighs, folding his hands, "how do you feel?"

"Well..." I try and think about to, unsure how to even reply to that question, "I uh, I don't know."

"Huh?"

"I dunno, I'm just trying to wrap my head around it for now. It was a rebellious decision and I didn't think about it."

"But you still want it?"

"What is 'it' Louis?"

"Your forever Niall," he folds his hands together, "What else?"

"It's just that I didn't think anyone would love me you know?" I blink back tears secretly as I delve into what I'm trying to explain to him, "And so quickly? I can't understand why and how Harry let alone anyone would fall in love with me--it doesn't make any sense."

"Niall..."

"And it's like...now it's at this point and I'm starting to wonder if going all the way is worth it. What if he falls out of love with me, realizes that I'm really not the guy he thinks I am?"

I wipe my eyes hastily as the car runs over another bump.

"Ni you're crying I--"

"No please, don't try and comfort me I..."

Louis hugs me regardless, and I bite my lips as tears stream down my face. People don't love me simply because they do. There's always something shady behind anything good that happens to me. Nothing simply just happens because of my world being right as rain. Nothing works out well in the end; there's always a catch.

There's going to be a catch with Harry whether I believe it or not; it's always there, and I don't want to be the one walking away with my heart torn to pieces.

•

The flight we're on is being shared with all the rest of the guests. Tiffany and Harry's father bought out two commercial airplanes to take us to Jamaica. Immediate family and their plus ones are sitting in first class, so that separates Louis and Zayn from us. Harry is intermediate family, and I'm his plus one. Louis only got an invitation because he designed the dress, and Zayn tagged along with him.

So that leaves Harry and I by ourselves, with Tiffany and his dad marveling over each other.

Delicious.

Once seated, Harry takes out his earbuds and wraps his right arm around my shoulders, squeezing tightly.

"We're gonna be in Jamaica soon," he says happily. I smile back at him uneasily, covering up my doubt and sadness. It's here when he sighs, unbuckling his seatbelt and fully turning to me,

"I heard what you said on the car drive. Is that how you really feel?"

"Huh?" My cheeks burn as he interrogates me, "I thought you were listening to music--"

"Just because I have the headphones in doesn't mean I'm playing anything," he reminds me of the sneaky tactic and I sigh, covering my face with my hands.

"Is it?"

"Ugh," I whine, "God..."

"Niall. Come on babe..."

"Yeah, it is."

"Why would you think that?"

I sigh, rubbing my hand together nervously,

"It's just a doubt; a doubt that I've always had. Like, haven't you ever been afraid of love?"

He nods, tucking me closer into his side,

"Yes, I have been, but if I'm always scared of love, how am I going to find it?"

We leave the conversation at a standstill, cuddling close as the plane takes off. I can't answer his question, because I don't think there is an answer. Looking up into his green eyes, I see a little glistening sparkle in them and remember that either way, things right now are okay.

And that's all that matters.