Maverick had let them down.

He had let his own stupid arrogance take over his brain when in the air. His fire had been burning feverishly, but now it was gone, leaving Mav empty and dead tired.

It was actually a miracle that he was even standing right now, since his legs felt like someone has just removed all the bones from it. He is thankful for the big counter of the women's toilet he is standing in since apparently all the pipes had broken in the men's room (yeah right, who had made a big mess while fumbling there this time?).

He heard the door open slowly and someone walking in, but he couldn't care less who it was and what they were doing there. Maverick felt his mind going completely blank, something that only happens when he is in the sky (and then only on the odd occasion).

"How you doing?" a low voice asked besides him and only then Maverick lifted his head. What a stupid question.

"I'm all right," Maverick said somewhat honestly because he wasn't feeling sad or angry or devastated right now so that would be good, right?

"Goose is dead." Maverick actually flinched at that, despite a) already knowing his RIO, best friend and platonic soulmate (yes, Goose had informed him of fanfics and soulmate AU's on one of those long and boring nights on the carrier) was dead and b) don't really feeling a single thing besides annoyance at the repeat of information.

"I know," he just said and then Viper started to give a speech about losing wingmen but Maverick drifted a bit. Normally he would be distracted by his fire giving him some questionable ideas but now even that was gone. What would Maverick be without his fire and his best friend by his side?

"You gotta let him go," Viper ended and slapped him on his back. Maverick sensed that his teacher wanted to leave his hand a bit longer there, but soon the human contact had dissipated again. Stupid hot skin. The fire may be gone, but of course the side-effects were still there to make him suffer even more. Mav splashed some water in his face and when that didn't help he sighed loudly. That actually did help a tinie tiny bit so Maverick felt confident enough to face the world and leave the bathroom.

That confidence faded the moment he sat foot in wherever Carole was (he knew where he was, but his mind wasn't really cooperating right now so he settled on this definition).

He walked to the study and grabbed Goose's dogtags. When his fingers touched the cold metal his knees buckled and he had to keep himself upright by gripping the desk tightly. A wave of something smashed into him, the first feelings he had had since Maverick had held a limp Goose in his hands a few hours ago. Maverick sucked in a big breath to try to clear his head and his heart and managed to succeed (if stumbling to the doors from the waiting area that Carole was sitting in counted as succeeding at least).

"God he loved flying with you, Maverick," Carole said in her sweet voice and Maverick started to sob despite his attempts to stay strong in front of Carole and Bradley (oh god, he hadn't thought about Bradley until now. He had just taken away the father of a toddler).

Carole enveloped him in a hug and Maverick sobbed. Just a few days prior Carole had said that he didn't fuck everything up because he made Goose happy and now he had fucked everything up because he had killed Goose.

The fire wasn't back, but for just a moment emotions overpowered him and Maverick had never been more thankul for warm arms around him as in this moment.

------

The accident wasn't his fault or that was the official decision at least but Maverick himself knew that it was his choice and his action that had killed Goose, just as it was his fault that Mary was killed.

But sure, if the people from the navy thought it wasn't his fault and cleered him to fly again, than he would take it.

Flying again meant going back to the days before chaos ensued and Maverick hoped that getting into the old routines would make him return to the Maverick he had been before as well.

The world had instead, like all the times when it concerned Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell, no pity for the small pilot because everything was different.

No Goose in his ear when in the air; no friend on the ground to laugh (and cry) with; no fire inside him that told him what to do; and above all: no Ice that kept him on his toes.

Iceman was the thing Maverick thought would stay constant, always prying, always pushing his buttons, always coming with a quick jab at everything Maverick threw at him, always giving him those icy looks that made him shiver with pleasant coldness. But after the incident, Iceman ignored Maverick. Every time Maverick tried to get a reaction he got nothing but a stony face (with gaze to somewhere over his shoulder or on his temples, but never locking eyes) and icy silence. Maverick tried for the first few days, but when nothing got him any reaction, he gave up trying and the harsh sting in his chest surprised him, but he had no mental space left to examine it further.

The only few moments that he had felt ok were when he was in the sky. The adrenaline was keeping his mind from thinking any thoughts too many and made his body thrum with an energy he simply lacked on the ground. It also felt good to know that there was at least one thing he could still do like he did before.

----

"You can engage every time, Maverick," Sundown said to him on one of the last hops of his Top Gun program. It still felt weird to fly with not-Goose,as it probably always would, but Sundown was a good-enough RIO so Maverick wasn't complaining. It was better than getting Slider as RIO, since the aforementioned man had been giving Maverick some weird looks since the accident.

Maverick turned the stick to engage, but suddenly he felt the phantom-Gforce of his ascent to the sea with Goose and he froze. His breathing sped up as images from the crash and his current hop overlapped and melted in front of his eyes, until all he could do was grab the stick as hard as he could and hoping that this sensory overload would go away soon.

"Hey, where the hell do you think you're going?" he heard Sundown's voice float somewhere behind him and he tried to take a deep breath, but his breaths were too quick for that. Had it always been this hot the plane?

"It.. It doesn't look good," Maverick stammered, honestly surprised he could even form a coherent sentence with all the screaming from Goose (Engine one is out, engine two is out; altitude eight thousand, seven thousand;) that kept flooding his brain.

Sundown was screaming something at him but Maverick needed all his focus to just get safely back on the ground so he didn't listen. His reserve-RIO kept yelling at him after they had climbed out of the plane and when they were walking back to base. Suddenly Maverick had enough of it and in a sudden burst of adrenaline he whipped around and grabbed the other man by his collar, rattling him to and fro.

"I will fire when I am goddamn good and ready!" he screamed but when he saw the shocked face in front of him he quickly let go and stammered back. He felt his legs wobble underneath him when he practically sprinted back to the building. He made it to the locker room and emptied his stomach with violent retches that left his throat burning afterwards. He sank down on the floor near the toilet and put his arms around his knees, resting his face on them. He had no energy left in his body to cry so he just sat there, waiting for something to happen.

Nothing did happen and after a certain amount if time (could be an hour, could be three seconds), Maverick came to the realization that he had to move. He had to grab his stuff from his locker and turn in his wings. The thought filled him with less horror than he had expected (and och if twelve year old Mav would have heard about it, he would have definetely killed his future self). But if even the easiest trainingshop was too hard for him, what use had he still?

When he was getting his stuff, he heard the door open and close, followed by soft footsteps. Maverick ignored it and methodically put everything into his duffel bag, trying to will the growing tiredness away.

"Mitchell," someone said behind him, no scrap that, Iceman said behind him. It was the first time Iceman had directly spoken to him since the accident and if Maverick had more energy, he would. have quipped something about that. All he could do now however was turn around and stare at the ground.

"I'm sorry," Ice said and Maverick heard him stumble over a breath. Maverick didn't know what to do with these words so he just stood there, waiting for this (whatever this was) to be over.

"Everyone liked Goose," Ice added and while Maverick felt a slight pang in his chest because of the name, it didn't really land. Maverick nodded to be polite and walked away. Just outside the locker room he leaned against the wall and rubbed his eyes, focusing on the vibrant colors he saw because of that.

Then suddenly a soft whisper floated towards him and broke through his thick veil of indifference he had hanging around him. It was just a simple sentence, short but powerful, soft but earnest.

"Please don't go." An icy breath flowed over Maverick and he shuddered, but it wasn't unpleasant. Somewhere deep inside him a tiny spark erupted out of nowhere, waiting to be brought to life again.

Chapter six: Burning Fire

If Maverick was asked what happened the days after the lockerincident, he wouldn't have known it. The world was a blur and emotions still didn't really stay with him for long, but he at least felt something.

He felt grateful when talking to Viper. When the sounds of the sea were washing calmly over his auditory sensors, he heard about his father and his choices that lay ahead. He knew he had to go back to Top Gun but the lingering uneasiness about going into the skies again was stronger than his (slowly growing) fire.

"I don't know if I cán," he said to Viper at the end of the conversation.

"Can what?" Viper asked softly but with a playful glant in his eyes. Like it was a joke for him that Pete had just revealed his worst fears.

"Fly," Maverick murmured and he looked away, afraid of the mocking gaze of the older man in front of him.

"Maverick, you are almost born in the sky! Duke always said his son was going to be a pilot with his wings on fire and, even though you were burning a bit too harshly in the beginning, he was right."

"But what if I had lost my fire?" Maverick pleaded, a little bit louder than he had planned.

"Have you?" Viper asked with an upturned eyebrow and a slight grin. Maverick stayed silent. His fire had returned after the lockerincident, but Maverick didn't trust it in the slightest, afraid that it would leave him again or, worse, spill out of him and burning eveything he loved (again).

Viper apparently saw something in his face because he slapped him firmly on his shoulder before saying:

"If I know anything about a Mitchel, than it would that they belong in the sky, with or without fire. You'll get there again kid, trust me."

The thanks had almost already left Maverick's mouth but Viper interrupted him:

"No, scrap that: trust yourself." Viper sighed and stood upright. Maverick could hear him mutter something that ressembled "too old for spreading wisdom like that" and "youth don't listen anyways nowadays" and a big grin formed on Maverick's face, the first grin since the accident.

------

There would be no help, no spare team, no extra jets. It was Iceman and Slider and Maverick and Merlin against five (!!!) MiGs. And Maverick and Merlin weren't even there yet.

With Ice's panicked (yes, panicked you polar bear, this time you're not so cold) calls for help in his ear, Maverick flew as fast as he could. He saw them ahead of him, twisting and twirling through the sky, one plane clearly prey for the five hunters around it. He was ready to dive into the action when he suddenly was not.

The thought of engaging in battle and being chased froze his body. Flashes of the accident burned before his eyes like it had done in the training exercise. The fire within him spreaded and burned all cohesive thoughts, leaving only a fealing of sheer terror in its wake. Maverick tried to focus the fire to the here and now but it was feeding on his memories and it was burning and burning and all around him and he surely would be torn apart by the flames by now, or hit the water because he was crashing and dropping to the sea and Goose was screaming into his ears and Goose and-

"I can't get him off my tail!!" Ice cold words filled with poorly concealed terror cut through Maverick's anguish. The fire combined all its flames and reached for the icy words and the unspoken plea for help. Maverick could see again, feel again, hear again what was going on. As if the fire guided him, his hands flew to the controls and he sped to Ice' plane. Nothing mattered now but Ice's safety. He had never felt more in tandem with his fire than in these moments, when he was flying and turning and twisting around the MiG's and around the other plane. The fire enveloped him and strengthened his every move rather than dragging him along with Maverick being only just fast enough to keep up, like it had been all the times before when he had done something stupid.

And something stupid it was! They defeated three MiG's and made two ones fly away in fear! Maverick was bubbling over with joy and relief when they flew back to the carrier. They (yes, they, Ice had apparently chosen his one and only rulebreaking to be today) buzzed the tower and Maverick felt the portion of his heart that was dedicated to Goose become slightly less painful.

He spilled a few tears when he opened the canopy and felt the roar of the waiting crowd roll over him. After that his face felt like it split in two as the grin wouldn't leave it (although Maverick also didn't really try to stop it).

When the crowd enveloped him, one man grabbed Maverick's attention. The blonde was radiating relief and happiness while still being as cool as the first winter snow. They agreed to be wingmen (anytime) but all Maverick could think about was how to thank him. Thank him for (miraculously) focusing his fire and saving him up there. Words were not really Maverick's thing though, so he almost jumped in Ice's arms instead.

The coldness of Ice's body washed over him and cleansed the last bits of lingering panic. Maverick sighed while he felt Ice relax against him and snuggled closer, not willing to let him go ever again.

It was only later that he would realize that he should have left it with that hug...