---A/N: it might've been clear because its a story about therapy and all, but just making sure you know.. this will have self harm in it well self harm stories and it may be triggering,so if you get triggered easily you might not want to read----

btw i found a song that might be perfect for this chapter

its called 'Nothing to lose' by billy talent

i'll put the link to a youtube video for you,if you want.

*Kellin Pov*

"i know you are listening,kellin, you are not expired,and you never will be, you are too fresh to even be spoiled" vic says and i bite the inside of my cheek trying so hard to not just break and yell at him, no one here even wants to talk to me,so why is this guy who's never thought of taking a pill for headaches trying to talk to me. he says im not expired like he knows me. but him saying that to me just shows how much he doesnt know me. i feel the couch shift as he gets up,look who gave up already,everyone always gives up on me.

        one of the guards lead me back into my room, you see my mind is so fucked my room just has a mattress,it doesnt even look like a proper bed,its a mattress just thrown on the floor with a pillow and soft blanket, i just sit on it.they know i would use anything to hurt myself so i bet they were scared to even give me a blanket.

 "food will be here in a hour kellin" i dont answer him,i never do. why waste my voice on someone who thinks they are the best thing to happen to me.i shouldn't be here, i should be 6 feet under the ground by now. one month ago today, my liar of a parents came home to find me on the kitchen floor with a knife pressed to my skin, i was sure to be one cut,just one cut away from finally being gone from this hell. i had blood going down my arm,but not enough, it wasnt enough,i didnt want to die of blood loss, i wanted to die by cutting the right spot, my mom grabbed it from me while my dad called the hospital,why would they care? they've never been here for me. all the times i came home with a black eye,they didnt even notice,how does someone not notice their son having a huge purple dark mark on their face? every night i would cry myself to sleep,they didnt notice,werent there,didnt care. they didnt even cry when they found me that morning, i didnt see a damn tear in their eye,why did they stop me? why did they put me in the hospital? why did they then bring me here? they should've gave me the knife to take with me! i bet they wanted me gone! they just wanted to seem like good people so they brang me here,i bet they told their friends i went to camp because they didnt want others to know how fucked up their kid was. too late,i think everyone knew how fucked up i was,they were just the last ones to know.

        so when did i become as fucked up as i am? well let me tell you, well myself,wow im worse than i thought,im talking to myself. well it all started about a year ago,when the 'fag' comments came to me,my question is, how did they all know i was gay? i didnt even come out yet! those smart asses!

        my best friend oliver was all i had, but when the fag comments came, he seemed to slowly disappear, i heard he switched schools,he was the only sunshine i had in my life,and he just left, and it was the worst timing,i miss that British accent of his.

he was the closest person to me. i was okay with being called a fag,thats not the thing that got to me, what got to me was when they started telling me i wasnt worth it and that oliver switched schools because he was disgusted to be my friend, this one kid,ethan got all in my face one day after seeing my scars in gym class,oh how i hated changing for gym class near that kid, telling me i should cut deeper, i used every strength i had in me to punch him in the jaw,that was my first fight,my fist black eye, my first detention slip hand written by my favorite gym teacher in the word aka the teacher i hate the most, making me change around other guys who dont understand me and would rather be the reason for more scars on my light skin then the reason i dont add more. that day after school i stayed in class room 121 with ethan and some other kids, i knew i didnt belong in a room with them, but yet that room became my second home after a while. we couldnt talk,we all sat there in silence, one hour in school where i wasnt called a 'emo fag' it was pretty nice,that was until, i left that room and ethan gave me a look and mumbled faggot under his breath,thats when i said the stupidest thing ever,i told him i was gay, and he just smirked, the next day, everyone...and i mean everyone knew, the thought didnt seem that bad but then when it happened and everyone knew, life only got worse,i never thought eating lunch alone in the bathroom was fun,but it is, you hear things people never knew someone would hear, why do people pull people in the bathroom just to tell them secrets? if you are going to do so,check to see if there is anyone in any of the stalls first. the lunch room wasnt a safe place for me at this point,no one wanted to catch my gay so it was best i never went in there again,i didnt want to take the time to take more food out of my hair ever again.

        i got in more fights,cut more,and more,it became a daily thing, the scars on my arm just became a work of art, better than any tattoo ethan can get,he wouldnt be able to pull off a small dot on his perfect skin, it would ruin him. under these long sleeves im currently wearing you can still see some of the work of art ive created,the newest piece is a disappointment though, it was the one that was supost to drag me out of my body,yet it failed me,you'll never see that work of art at a party, or a fancy house,it just doesnt belong there.yet wait..who would want a dying corpse in their house?

        i remember leaving school one day and i ran into this kid who was walking,he looked stoned as hell.

"hey man,want some?" i shook my head as he sat down then i noticed who this stoned kid was, oliver.

i sat next to him and put my hand out as he gave me a rigged Brownie.

"cheers mate" he said and we collided Brownies.

"how've you been oli?" i asked,i know at that moment he clearly wasnt in the right mind set but i wanted to take any chance i could get to talk to my best friend.

"swell, met this kid named jaime, hes pretty awesome" he slurred his words but i could hear them all just fine.

"i thought you moved far away" i said softly

"schools far away but clearly im still here"

silence, i didnt know what to say,the harshness in his voice broke me, i found out he didnt want to be here, i didnt know if it meant in that spot or still alive..but whatever it was lead to him not wanting life, oliver the happiest person i knew, gone. took his own life, in this very room i'm seated in now, so i've heard. thats my proof that this place doesnt help,my only real friend died here. and i think im the only person who knows how he did it,all these losers dont need the key to escape, i do.

"pills and alcohol is such a heavenly way to die, but i heard in therapy the only way to get out is over dose my friend" oliver said half in reality half somewhere else.

"therapy?" i asked and he gave me a look of disgust

"yes,somewhere im heading soon" he said softly.

of course i thought he was kidding,the food he was eating wasnt that rigged,i didnt taste anything different, i thought he was acting a bit, acting to be the total different person than he is, but it wasnt an act,the British sunshine went dark, and i've learned i was getting darker and darker by the day, the last words i heard from oliver was

"i'll be in hell,but i hope i'll see you again" that was from the same day i found him stoned.

        after that day school became worse, i was the emo fag who apparently was a fucken vampire, ha very funny just because i lost blood doesnt mean i was blood hungry. dumb asses. but hey i wish i was a vampire i would kill them all, i hate them, but im not that crazy...or am i?