Raina had kept the bubble envelope safe in her treasure box. She had given a word to Sahil that she won't open it until time, and like all good people she was going to keep her words.

               She had pondered over Sahil's suggestion to go and see him. 'Last time, she met him in Stockholm, he didn't even want her. He declined her offer and left her high and dry. He could do all the girls in the world, but her. He didn't need her. Even if she goes, what will she talk? What will she say? There was nothing she could say or do'. Moreover, she didn't think she had the heart to see him in the condition Sahil described. Seeing anyone in their last days is hard, and especially if they are in your heart. She would rather remember him good looking, healthy and how hot he looked over her while inside her than weak and frail and dying. So, she went about her busy life promoting album and preparing for her upcoming tour. 

                                                                   ***

It had been nearly a month since Sahil visited her.

Raina walked to her manager who was waiting for her in her living.

Manger: Heard the news? Singer Linkin Bark died last night. He committed suicide.

Raina: No, I don't know. Why?

Mangaer: Drugs. Depression. Usual celebrity life stuff. Every year few of them die of it. First drug helps them make music and then takes them away.

What he said came hitting her.

Raina: Is there nothing that can be done about it?

Manager: What can be done? They are happy doing, and dying.

Manger: They are like this wall you keep banging your head on, but it doesn't move. They don't change. You can't help it.

Raina: Yeah! She totally knew what he was saying and dreaded that day when bad news will hit her ears. She didn't know what she will do.

Raina: So, what is it all today lined up for me? She brought her thoughts back to work.

Manager. You have a scheduled meeting with your lawyer, then your stylist and then a promotional shoot for the tour. And even the head of your record label called, saying that he wanted to meet you.

Raina: Okay, just work out and give him the earliest date available.

She then left in her SUV for a busy day at work.

             She was busy, yet whenever she was home her mind always kept drifting to what was in envelope. What could it be that he wanted to give her after his death. And the news of death due to drugs just made it worse. She remembered him a lot, their time together and also how all that he did in a way had a hand in how she could do all those bold videos dropping all her inhibitions. She just transformed in front of camera and stage and forgot about everything else. She also didn't mind because she knew would be watching her. It was all for him. But she couldn't let any other man keep his hands on her breasts, so she used a body double for the shower shot in the video for 'Criminal'.

        Whenever she opened her closet to dress up in morning, her eyes would go to the treasure box on the shelf above. She would always think, but then leave. That day, she stared at the box, got it down, opened it, saw the pictures of God, her peacock feathers, old times obsolete coins, key to his house. Then, she picked the envelope, thought for a minute weather she should or not, and how wrong it was. "Sorry, Sahil", she said  and tore it open. There was a USB with a note. She quickly unfolded the note and read: 'These are some of the songs I wrote and composed music for. Couldn't think of anyone else to leave them with. Thought they could be of use to you. Feel free to use them if you like'.

             She gulped as she sat with it in her hand. She looked at the time,it was time to go for the promotional shoot. She was already a bit late. She took the USB stick and left. She insert it in the usb port of car music system and mp3's started to play. And his voice came,

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Ohhh, oh no
And you let her go
Ohhh, oh no
Well you let her go

The lyrics, music, his voice, emotion, everything was so beautiful. He was always great. He knew his art.

             The next song that he wrote after he came back from Stockholm where he visited her played,

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was
Fucking high.
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last 'til the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.  

         The tears made to her eyes. She could tell it was the song about them in subway in Stockholm. He was high, She was with Mendes. It was not just a song. It was for her and perhaps all others too. And it clearly said he'll never be with her and the line just gave her so much pain. She turned it off as she reached the location for the promotional shoot. The songs and his voice kept reeling in her mind. After the shoot when she got back in the car, she turned the system on to resume playing from USB

        The song he wrote when he almost believed in the news of affair between her and Prawn as pics of his spotting at her house became frequent.

You, do you remember me
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?

'Cause I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else

You'll always be in my life
Even if I'm not in your life
'Cause you're in my memory
You, when you remember me
And before you set me free  

Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That somebody's me 

                 Her eyes teared, and when the lines from the next song said,

Have I told you how good it feels to be me when I'm in you?

Tears rolled out uncontrollably, as memories of him inside and their breathless moments flashed in her head. She just couldn't hold it anymore. 'Are they just songs, empty words with no real feelings? Cant be' went her head. The tears just lost it. She had to wipe them over and over as the song continued

I can only stay clean when you are around.
Don't let me fall, oh no,
If I close my eyes forever, would it ease the pain?
Could I breathe again?  

Maybe I'm addicted,
I'm out of control,
but you're the drug that keeps me from dying.
Maybe I'm a liar,
but all I really know
is you're the only reason I'm trying.

I'm wasted away.
I made a million mistakes.
Am I too late?oh yeah
There's a storm in my head;
it rains on my bed
when you're not here,oh
I'm not afraid of dying,
but I am afraid of losing you.  

When you're lying next to me
love is going through to me.
Oh, it's beautiful,oh yeah
Everything is clear to me
'til I hit reality
and I lose it all.
I lose it all.
I lose it all.
I lose it all. 

She was crying and crying and then his voice came,

Just stop your crying
It's a sign of the times
Welcome to the final show
Hope you're wearing your best clothes

And tears rolled down uncontrollably. as she felt some kind of way. 

You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky
You look pretty good down here
But you ain't really good

We never learn, we've been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets, the bullets?  

Just stop your crying
Have the time of your life
Breaking through the atmosphere
And things are pretty good from here

Remember, everything will be alright
We can meet again somewhere
Somewhere far away from here

Stop your crying
Baby, it'll be alright
They told me that the end is near
We gotta get away from here 

We don't talk enough
We should open up
Before it's all too much
Will we ever learn?
We've been here before
It's just what we know

Stop your crying, baby
It's a sign of the times

We gotta get away
We got to get away

We got to—we got to—away

She finished listening to all songs. Just because some people don't get recognized doesn't mean they are not genius. He was a genius. And they were not songs, they were his real feelings. 

        She pulled the USB and put it in her handbag. She got out the car at recording studio and her manager was waiting, "You have a meeting with the head your record label in half an hour".

"I remember," she told him.

Raina: We have ten days before our tour kick starts. I was wondering if I can make a quick trip to India and be back.

Manager: In this last hour? You have dress fitting,s a few interviews to do andin those days.

Raina: I know you can take care them, reschedule them. I don't want anything get published about my this trip. It's private and I want to keep it private. I'll go and be back in two or three days.

Manager:  I suggest, if it's not that urgent, go after the European leg. Think about it. It'll be better as you really should be here so that things for the tour are in place.

She thought.

                                                                      ***

           After he stopped writing for her, he spent time writing his feelings in a song, composing, singing and recording it on computer using apps at his home. Exploring the recording app and composing kept him busy, but after he met her and saw her in pain, his drug use increased and with increasing dependency and tolerance, his dose too.  And with  time it incapacitated his writing abilities. Now, he was hazy most of the times shifting between real and dream world. He was having hallucinations and vivid dreams that looked and felt so real that only after they were over that he could tell it wasn't real. He could tell because they just didn't seem to fit in reality.

                                                               ***

          He had been living back and forth in dreams and hallucinations from quite some time now, sometimes unable to distinguish which was which.

          He was sitting in his bed coming down from heroin when he heard indistinct voices of people chattering. He paid attention, and as they got louder and distinct, he heard they were talking about him. " What he thinks of himself?" Another voice said," He has no right to do that. Even if his intentions were right he had no right to sleep with her" . Another one, "It's incorrect. He should be punished for that". He tried to cover his ears to block the voices but they kept getting louder. Soon he saw his room was fill with naked men and women, he didn't even know. The women started shoving their boobs on his face. All he could see were boobs around him. 

"This is what you want. Don't you?" her voice came and he saw her standing next to a table with music system on it. His eyes widened,"  When did you come? How did you come here?"

She smiled,"How do you think?"

"I don't know. I am so confused, but I am also so happy to see you. You don't know." He shouted across the people

As the other women kept throwing themselves on him and he helplessly tried to push them away,"Please tell these women to stop doing what they are doing. I don't want them. I want only you."

" You surely love to have it like that. Lots of women on you".

"Don't you?" she said and sipped water from the glass kept next to her and dropped it. He looked at the falling glass. It's falling, falling, falling, but not touching the floor. He looked to see her and she is not there.  All the other people also vanished. He looked for the broken glass on the floor. None. The glass was lying like that on the table. He closed his eyes and held himself like that for minutes. He was hallucinating. She looked so real. He actually thought she was there. But how is that even possible? So, if she is there he should know it's either dream or hallucination.                                                                                        

                                                               ***

              It's twilight and it's raining lightly. He is walking on an un-metaled road in a village in mountains towards a beautiful hut with thatched roof. He can see Raina standing under it's porch, looking at him approaching. She is looking so beautiful in a lehenga choli, with  a big nose ring that he can't take his eyes off her. She is looking like a bride. Yeah! A bride. Few yards away from the her, he is stopped out in the rain, by a boy with a stick in his hand. He recognized him as her cousin from the picture of her family she showed him. A man from behind standing with other men calls the boy back, "Let me see him." He tells him and walks to him, "Who are you?". He opens his mouth to tell but before that he shut it with," Oh! You are the one who took my daughter's clothes off and got her to sleep with you. How dare you do this with my daughter?" He started hitting him with the stick. He caught the stick and stared in her father's eyes. " You rich people think you can tramp anywhere you like. You know because of you, we can't hold our head up in our society?" he told."We had a great difficulty finding a guy for her from our caste and society willing to marry her. And now that she is getting married, you can't walk in like this and ruin all that". He calls the other men standing behind, he recognizes one as her brother. The sky opens wide and the rain becomes thunderous as they all beat him up with their sticks to the ground. He rises, but to be beaten yet again. And again. He looks at her as he falls in the muddy ground with rain pelting his face. She watches him helplessly from the porch tears rolling down her cheeks. Her father shoots one on his head and he is bleeding, lying on ground, looking at the beautiful bride with eyes that become still. No movement. He is dead. He is crying and crying and then he wakes up realizing what he was doing. He was crying in his dream at his own death. He lets out a deep breath. "That was a dream!", "Ufff....Felt so real!" he pressed his temple. 'He was in deep pain of every sort, physical and emotional. Damn! The vivid dreams, you feel it's all real when it's happening, but what did it mean? Why was she dressed as a bride? And he died and she just watched him from far, crying and feeling sad. Is it some kind of an indicator that he is going to die soon and she will cry after him, but move on in life'. "It's just a dream," he told himself and took a laptop to go through her fan club twitter accounts.

                                                                             ***

            With the use of drugs the vivid dreams and hallucinations were becoming more and more a regular thing.

                He is driving through a beautiful valley. Mountain slopes filled with blue and yellow wild blossoms. Nice breeze on a sunny day. He passes through green paddy fields on his side and paddock with handsome horses. He sees the signs Raina Farms and follows them to a house. A beautiful wooden house with beautiful bright flowers of different kinds in different colors in front of it. Farm machinery standing around it. He stops, get out of the car and goes around the house. There is a beautiful lake with geese swimming, squirrels running and climbing from one tree to another. He spots wild hares in the grassland behind. Just then hears the trot and looks behind. She is on a horse on saddle with jockey helmet and leather boots. She dismounts." I never thought you'll come?" He looks at her not knowing what to answer to that." I didn't know you are here. How long have you been here for?" he asked. "For quite some years now, this is my life. This whole farm is mine with it's chicken, cows and cats." She takes him in. "You ride horses?" "Best.. ride.. ever," she looks at him and says in a way that he understands the intended underlying meaning. He peers in her eyes when a cat mews and breaks heir eye lock. She bends to look for her cat under the tables and his eyes fall on her deep cleavage in a fitted low cut tank top. They looked just as good as they looked when she made his bed. She gets up and starts to go out. "Where are you going?" he asks. "My cat needs me more than you" she turns to answer as she walks away. He waits and waits but she doesn't return. He is tired and he yawns and he wakes up. He rounds his mouth and blows out the air. Damn, dream!

         He wanted more from his vivid dreams. He wanted to see her how he wanted to see her-hot , erotic and titillating. In whatever days he had left, he wanted to spend with her in his dreams, feeling her, kissing her, his sex in her sex having sex, doing what all he wanted to do with her .He wanted to feel she was was the last he was inside when he died. He got different drugs moxy, shrooms, marijuana, LD etc.to experiment. He was trying to engineer his dreams and hallucinations.   

                                                                                                         ***

                       While on dreams, he felt it was all really happening, but after they were over he could tell from the places that they were dreams as he was still in bed and he never went to those places. But, when the dreams started replicating real life environment,he no longer knew what's dream what's real.

                    Bapi called him," Food is ready". He didn't have much appetite but he still walked down. He had injected just an hour ago. Bapi had left. He served himself.He sat and ate the food. Went and kept the plate in sink and then walked back and sat on the chair. He sees the plate with the food in it on the dining table. But he just ate it, he even felt full. Did he eat in his dream, he asks himself or is he dreaming now that the food is there when it's actually not. What is real? What is dream? Am I dreaming that I am dreaming. It's dream or hallucination? What is it? How do I find out? I eat the food again. It tastes the same like it had tasted some time back. Oh God! What's happening? Is food going to come over and over and he is going to keep eating. Just then his eyes open and he finds he is in bed. He never went down. It seems Bapi called but after that due under the drugs he fell asleep and just dreamed  his daily life.

                 He is writing sitting on chair looking out the window. Writing notes for the song and is happy how it shaped out. When he woke up next morning he thought it was a dream, he wrote in his dream, but when he went and opened the drawer he saw the song he thought he wrote in his dream. It was real. He did things in real and thought  they were dreams. There were dreams he thought were real. All the drugs were playing with his mind. He no more knew what's happening in real or dream. It all became so hazy as he moved between real, vivid dreams and hallucinations that he couldn't tell which was which.

                                                                                        ***

                  While experimenting, he learnt about lucid dreaming and how many people learn that to have erotic sex in their dreams with whosoever they want. The experience is real because they are awake while they are asleep and dreaming and they can control it.Sometimes they might not be able to control it. Rule is too not get too excited or they come out.  He was ready to give it a try and learnt the art of lucid dreaming.

                 He lay in bed, injected the drug and after some time he is knows he is sleeping. He is sitting on a beach, beautiful white sand with coconut groves at a distance. Sunny day with light breeze. Waves coming and retreating from the shore. 'No one on the beach except him'. He looks around. Seems he is stranded on an a beautiful island. 'Oh C'mon, he didn't want to be stranded alone' he says in his head  and sees her walk out of the ocean in a barely there  shimmering golden bikini, the triangles covering little of her breasts, and micro g-string bottoms covering just her slit leaving the lips exposed. He stares, breaths going faster with her every step towards him.  Finally he was excited  to see her like her wanted to,  but he got way too excited and  it threw him awake. "Hell, no. It was just about to happen," he cried.

                                                                             ***

              He is walking through a dense forest. He can hear the crickets even during day.

"Come I'll take you on a tour of this beautiful Amazon". She turned to him and smiled.

She looked stunning in a tube top and a mini skirt made from leaves. Her hair open and flowing with a real flower headband crown. Her body looked delicious and exotic covered in just leaves.

"How did you know you'll find me here?" she asked.

"Guess, your love for flora and fauna brought me here," he answered.

"Well then you came in right place. Plants and animals are my two love".

He spotted three monkeys on tree. One plucked a wild fruit and threw at her. She caught it and took a bite.

"Well,  it seems Gandhiji's monkeys also love you," he commented.

"Come, you have a lot more to explore about me".

"I can't wait," he said glancing her from head to bare feet.

He follows behind as she walks farther into broad leaf tropical forest. He is feeling very hot and humid, one because it is and another because she is very hot in front of his eyes.

'C'mon! get her clothes off' his mind tells him

"Are you not feeling hot?" he asks her

"Yeah!" she nods.

"Why don't you take those leaves off your body. You will feel much better?" he suggested.

"No, these keep me cool," she walked ahead. The forest is getting denser and darker. He can see the bats hanging upside down in trees.

"Don't you think it's dangerous going further deep? There could be snakes."

"I thought you love going into deep and you love dangerous. 'Dangerous woman' she said in a seductive tone and then started walking ahead . His hopes are rising.

"The ground is slippery here."

"Yeah you'll find it a lot wet and slippery down," she cheekily smiled at him.

He gulped getting what she meant. And it got him all excited as she stopped walking and stood next to wide trunk of a tree.  He saw an  anaconda on the branch above her. 

"Anaconda,," he cried. But she stayed calm and smiled.  Wide long Anaconda came slithering and winded around her body with it's head sticking out from behind her head.

He watched in horror.

Anaconda sticked it's tongue out.

"This tastes better than yours," she said and licked it's tongue then started slipping it's head in and out of her mouth.

The sight shit scared him and his eyes opened in fear. He could feel his heart beat fast. He was in his room, not in the jungles of Amazon. 'Damn! he said as he realized it was a dream. It was going well, but then he couldn't control  it and it took it's way. He thought he wasted time in roaming around in jungle. He should get to action without much foreplay. Focus. He told himself.   

Just then he saw her sitting on the chair with a guitar. She strummed his favorite tune. What you think, you can always get your way and strum me to your tunes.

"No. I don't think so," he said. He could tell he is hallucinating, though everything in the room was same, she was there. it meant he was hallucinating.

"Good, because you are right," she walked to the screen and stood in front of it. "You might be an expert in manipulating people to get out of them what you want. But not any more".

'No, Mr. Abhimanyu' not anymore. Now it will happen only when I wish. She then again played the tune, her own tune, and then she started fading and disappeared.

"Huh! Don't take her seriously. It's just a manifestation of your own brain which thinks you don't deserve her. Don't let the thought come in way, it will make it more difficult". He decided to try again, and this time focus on action.

                                                                                ***

                  He is an adult's club. All dressed provocatively and indulging around. Perfect setting. His mind said. Now look for her. A girl comes,"Do you want me". No, it's not her. 'Move on'. He moves on and few others come like that with the offer but he is looking around for her. Damn! Why can't I create her? Calm, she will come. 'Hope she is not fully clothed'. She is there sipping at the bar table fully clothed. 'Shit! He should have thought hope she is not wearing anything instead.' Now don't waste time in foreplay. He reminds himself. He goes and sits next to her. She smiles at him and sips on whiskey and smokes pot. 'Shit, when did you start drinking?'

"What you think only you can drink and I am supposed to be a successful artist without an ebbs?" she smiled

"You think I visited shrink for nothing?" she continued.

"Damn! Really?" he looked shocked.

'C'mon, don't deviate because of her smoking. She is fooling you to waste your time. You can't control this dream for long. Just get her out of her clothes and get started'.

"I can't force her".

'This is dream'.

"No, even if it is.I can't do that".

'Pull her and kiss her'.

No, I will try to get her in mood.

"I love how you beautiful you look  fully clothed." She smiled and laughed a stifled laugh. 

"What you say? Let's dance," he offered his hand.

"Yeah! I love dancing," she picked his hand and got up. He put his hand around her waist and started dancing like other couples on the floor. His hands clasped in her hands and his eyes looking deep in her eyes.

"Can I kiss you?"

She nodded.

'Has she really agreed to  give in?'

He excitedly reached for her lips she turned into a sunflower. He tried to change it back to her , but she morphed to rose to daisy to orchids, but her. He was out of his dream frustrated. 

           He dissolves a satchet of heroin from under his pillow in water, and injects in his bloodstream. He is high and space starts to distort and he knows he is having a visual hallucination all bright greens and purples, and  all the patterns that can curd mind. He then hears her. "What happened? Given up?"he hears her laughter. He then sees her standing next to projector screen and laughing. She then vanishes. 

                He decided to focus his mind on sex. No wasting time talking or foreplay. Everything was so damn mixed up, but he still couldn't do what he set out to achieve with all those drugs, erotic sex dreams with her. Why did he even let the thought come to his mind that she was not going to let him his way. This thought just came in between and interrupted the whole thing from going all the way.  

                                                                                       ***

               He is coming down and all hazy about to fall asleep or already sleeping or awake in sleep, he doesn't know. He is awake but feeling sleepy or he is asleep and feeling awake, he doesn't know. Perhaps somewhere between reality and dream. Sitting in his bed, he is breathing slowly when he fleetingly turns his head and sees her leaning on the door.  Everything looks real, but he can tell he is hallucinating or vivid dreaming, one of the two because it's her.

Raina: You are still awake? She asks looking into her watch.

 Abhimanyu: You don't let me sleep. He smiles.

She smiles

Abhimanyu:  You came back again. He looks at her.

Raina: Ya! I thought, I should.

                                                                                                 ***

1. Let Her Go Lyrics by Passenger

https://youtu.be/dT4A3rttrs8

2. You're Beautiful by James Blunt

https://youtu.be/nX1VeFBo9AQ

3. Somebody's me by Enrique Iglesias

https://youtu.be/gv9hrQzU0cA

4. Addicted by Enrique Iglesias

https://youtu.be/1sHjoHjTkGY

5. Sign of the times by Harry Styles

https://youtu.be/qN4ooNx77u0