A soft continuous rattling on my bed stand made my eyes flutter slowly. My hand reached out for the device causing such racket. Brushing a palm across my eyes, I adjusted to the light as I unlocked my phone. I had two missed calls from Nathan. Frowning, I noticed that it was past noon already. I had slept past five in the morning. But my drawing was finished as well as the letter.

My eyes turned to the folded pages over my desk.

My phone started to buzz once again and I slid my finger across the screen to answer. "Nate?" my voice was raspy and I flushed embarrassed from answering with my sleepy voice.

"Were you asleep?" he asked incredulously.

I closed my eyes as I snuggled on my blankets, "I stayed up until five." I stifled a yawn.

"Why?" instant worry clouded his tone, "are you okay?"

A small grin formed on my face. "Why do you keep asking me that?" my grin was wide now. "I was up drawing."

He chuckled. "I'm your boyfriend. It's my job to worry over you." I bit my lip as butterflies fluttered in my stomach. "Anyway, I'll let you get back to sleep beautiful."

My eyes snapped open. I sat up, "No! Give me half an hour and I'll be ready!"

Nate chuckled, "I'll give you two hours because I'm feeling like doing some exercise, okay? And you can dose off again."

Pouting, I let myself fall into the bed again, "Fine. Enjoy your exercise, muffin-top." I smirked.

"Tsk. I think I prefer Rivers, babe," My heart fluttered at his endearment. "I'll see you in a bit," he added before hanging up.

A warm feeling ran through me as I placed the phone back on the bed stand. I sighed contented but I wasn't sleepy anymore. Excited at seeing my boyfriend soon, I stood up and made my bed. I washed my face and brushed my teeth before walking downstairs. I grimaced at my reflection because my eyes were all blotchy.

Dad had left a note on the counter, he was running some errands with Marie, but they would be back in time for dinner. I rummaged through the fridge until I found a cucumber and an apple. I placed two cucumber slices on my eyes as I ate the apple back at my room.

After a while, I took off the cucumber and walked to my desk. My hand trembled as I touched the papers as if they were a precious treasure.

Because they were.

I'd poured everything I'd felt over the last few years in them. My eyes brimmed with tears as I read the letter I had written last night.

Dear Mom,

I wish you were here so I could tell you this in person. So I could hold your hand and look at your eyes and tell you how much I love you. How much I need you.

But you aren't. And it hurts.

So much.

There are no words to explain the emptiness you left in my heart. But I have understood that it will never heal. You left with a piece of my heart and it will never be replaced.

But that doesn't mean that I won't ever be able to love.

I understand that now. I know that even though you are not physically with me, you are with me. Because you are in my heart and you will always be.

I miss you so much.

And I'm really sorry about everything.

I always felt like I wasn't enough for you. I tried to be someone that you would be proud and I ended up losing myself somehow. I felt awful. Like a complete failure. So, I tried again and again. And it was an endless cycle where I wasn't happy and you weren't happy either.

I'm sorry I screwed up things with you. I really am.

I just felt worse every time.

And I know you were not perfect either.

I guess you wanted the best for me. Every time I felt judged by you, it was you trying to make me work harder. I can see that now. But it hurt, Mom.

You hurt me.

Without trying, I know.

But you did.

And I forgive you. Because I know you love me. That you always did. Even though I felt like I wasn't good enough for you, you always did.

I dreamt about you the other day. You were standing next to me while I painted. You were smiling and your hair was brown and you had that white and blue dress that you loved so much. And you looked so proud of me. I could see it in your eyes.

I think I felt closer to you, more than ever. Even when you were alive.

I still have that sweatshirt you wore. I keep it on a plastic bag. Because it smells like you and I haven't taken it out. It hurts so much. It hurts to be able to smell you knowing that you are not here. That it's pretty much the last thing I have that will ever have your smell.

Writing this isn't easy. It's painful and I'm crying so hard but I feel like I need to let it out. I feel like it's time for me to stop hurting so much. I hope that one day, I'll be able to take it out and not feel anguished or pained or guilty. Because you wouldn't want that.

And I know that you are okay with Dad's choice. I guess I understand it somehow. Marie will never replace you. But she doesn't want too. She understands how hard this is for me and I guess she can have a little piece of my heart, too. Because she is a good woman and Dad smiles whenever they are together.

I guess people can have a second chance. Maybe, she is Dad's second chance. I don't want him to be sad and I understand that he misses you. And that he isn't trying to replace you, either. He wants that second chance. And he deserves it. We both know that. He deserves everything because he has always been such a good man to both of us.

I wish you would see me now. I wish you could meet my new friends. Mostly, I wish you could meet Nathan. He is such an amazing guy. He is really sweet and caring. I know you would approve of him. And you know? I feel like you have something to do with it. Because I am not alone and he feels like a landline to me.

I know that wherever you are, you are with me. Taking care of me and Dad. I can feel it. I can feel you watching over us. Thank you for that.

I love you Mom.

I love you so much.

But I need to let go. I need to let go all the guilt and pain I feel whenever I think of you.

I want to remember you with love, not with anguish.

I will always miss you. You are part of me. You will always be. And I hope that one day, I'll be such a wonderful Mother like you were to me.

Cassie

My eyes brimmed with tears as I finished reading it. It was so hard to write this. Especially the part where I forgave her. Because Mom was gone and I couldn't reproach her, right? The truth is I did. That even gone I felt like I wasn't good enough. In a way, I blamed her for that. It also made me feel guilty. How could I? she was gone now.

But I needed to. I needed to forgive her in order to forgive myself.

I couldn't say that I was over the sorrow and the guilt. But I felt lighter. Like I had taken this overwhelming load off my back.

I felt like I could finally breathe without that heavy lump down my throat.

Life could be better.

For the first time over the past months, I felt at peace with myself. It would take time but I was hopeful. For me, for Dad.

My heart soared at Dad. I had said that I would respect his decision but I didn't like it. I think I sort of reproached him over it. Yet, I meant what I wrote to Mom. Marie felt like his second chance. He seemed happy and that made me feel happy in return.

I always felt like he was replacing Mom but in truth, he wasn't. He was just moving on. He knew that he had given it all to my mother but it was now time for him to enjoy life in his own terms. And I knew that many people would judge him for doing this but it didn't matter. He deserved to be happy, too.

My hands were trembling as I swallowed hard and folded the letter. I wanted to burn it and let the wind take the ashes away. It felt right.

Sniffing, I walked to my closet and grabbed a pair of dark green pants, a beige top and brown boots. After taking a bath, I took my time doing my makeup. This time, I did apply concealer and mascara. My dark circles under the eyes were too evident. I even drew a fine black line over my lids.

The hours passed as I retouched my drawing. I liked it. It would be part of my submission to the NY Art Institute. I just hoped that it was good enough for that.

The bell door rang and the butterflies in my stomach started to flutter. Biting my lip, I opened the door to find Nate with a large bouquet of white flowers in his hands. The grey t-shirt looked good on him. That lopsided smile on his face, too.

With a soaring heart, I reached out for him and kissed him with pent up emotions that had stirred inside of me as I wrote the letter. His arms encased me and a smile formed on his lips as we kissed.

"Men, that was better than hello." His tone was husky as we walked inside my house. Blushing, I grabbed the flowers, "thank you. They're beautiful."

His eyes roamed all over me. A cloud of concern passed through his eyes. "Cass?"

"I wrote the letter," I breathed out slowly. "I kind of let it all out," I murmured as I took out a large vase and placed the flowers in it. Nate walked with me as I poured water inside the vase.

Silence reigned for a moment. Nate embraced me and I felt warmness envelope me from within. A trembling smile drew on my face. "You're so brave, Cass. You are." With a heavy heart, I simply held on to him tighter.

My eyes were teary as I gazed into his eyes. They were soft, loving and proud. Really proud. Cupping his chin, I leaned closer and kissed him.

We pulled apart and Nate looked to the side, shyly. "So I talked to my mother," he played around with the kitchen towel that I'd left on the counter when I spilled water filling the vase. "And," he raised an eyebrow, "she's really excited to meet you next week."

"That means a lot to me, Nate."

His grey eyes snapped to me. "She seemed happy for me," he frowned, as if he couldn't believe it himself.

My heart clenched for him. "She's your mother, Nate. Of course she is." Hesitation showed on his face. For a moment, he seemed lost and lonely. Reaching out for him, I leaned on his chest as his arms wrapped around me.

"Do you want to come up to my room?" Nate raised an eyebrow with a smile on his face. "Nate!" I nudged him playfully, "I want to show you something!" I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.

"You can show me anything, babe." He wriggled his brows making me laugh. I was glad the whole room felt lighter now.

"Come on, you stud." I mocked him, interlacing our hands.

"Hey! That's better than muffin-top!" he quipped as we walked upstairs.

"Not a chance, Nate. Not. A. Chance." I giggled at his pout.

We reached my room and as usual, he walked around the room, looking at everything and nothing at the same time. I followed his every move, as I leaned on my desk, with a small smile on my face.

"Sorry," he trailed sheepishly as he noticed me looking at him.

I chuckled. Taking out my drawing pad, I murmured, "I just want to say that I never, ever, show my drawings."

His eyes shone excited as he reached out for it. "I must be special, then," he murmured excitedly.

"You are." My voice tone was serious. His grey eyes darkened for a moment before he placed it on my bed.

"Thank you. You don't know what this means to me" He pecked me lightly on the lips before turning his attention to my bed. Biting my lip, I watched him in silence as he took out every drawing I'd kept for the last year. They were all new, though. I had stopped drawing in a way of self-punishment when Mom got worse. He glanced at me with a small smile on his face as he got to the eyes, and lips I'd drawn. My cheeks flushed and I glanced to the side.

He sucked in a breath and my eyes glanced at him as he stared at the drawing from the lake. "You did this last night?" I nodded shyly. "It's awesome." His eyes were taking it all in complete awe and admiration, "You really have talent, baby."

"Thanks," I murmured shyly.

With a wide smile on his face he showed me one of the eyes drawing, "I love this."

Blushing, I rolled my eyes playfully. "You can keep it, if you want."

His eyes returned to all the drawings displayed on my bed. "You're exposing your work one day, Cass." There was so much conviction in his voice and his eyes were completely honest.

I scrunched my nose, "I'm not sure I'd like people scrutinizing it."

"Well, I'm telling you this is really something." He came closer to me, "I'm proud of you." His grey eyes gazed at me with fondness.

My stomach churned. "I also wrote this," I showed him Mom's letter that had been sitting on my desk. "You can read it, if you want." I kind of wanted to show him that he wasn't alone and that things could get better.

Hesitantly, he took it on his hands and leaned on the desk beside me. I didn't plan on letting anyone reading it. It felt too personal. But this was Nathan we were talking about. I wanted to show him everything. Plus, I kind of hoped that he would be with me when I burn it.

He took his time reading it. When he finished, he folded the letter in silence. After placing it on the desk, his grey eyes searched mine. They were sad and piercing at the same time. His arms encased me as I leaned on his shoulders; my own eyes teary.

His warmness and spicy scent engulfed me. Before I knew that I was saying it out loud, I murmured, "I love you, Nate." As soon as the words left my mouth, my eyes widened and I pulled apart. "I'm sorry" I grimaced, "I know it's too soon, and you don't have to say anything back. You don't need to."

His hand cupped my chin; his thumb brushing the corner of my lip, "Are you sure? Do you mean it?"

My breath was hard as I stared into those grey eyes. My mouth was dry as I whispered, "I do."

His other hand reached out for me, dragging me to him. His face inched closer and before our lips met, he murmured, "I've loved you for a long time, Cass." My heart soared for him and my lips tugged up on a bright smile. "I love you so fucking much." His lips brushed mine and I leaned to kiss him fully.

Nate groaned and pulled me even closer as he deepened the kiss. My hands roamed all over his back and he tensed every time they touched his skin. I reeled on the fact that I was the one making him feel like that.

On the background, we heard someone open the door, making us pull apart. Dad's voice shouted from downstairs, "Cassie, come see what we got!"

Blushing like crazy, I passed a hand across my lips. They felt swollen and great, to be honest. Nate was breathing hard, his eyes were darker and his lips were also unusually darker.

I don't think we'd ever kissed like that.

Every time we kissed, an unnerving pull grew inside of me. Like I wanted more and more of him. That was as scary as exciting.

Swallowing hard, he grabbed my hand and we both walked downstairs. Dad's blue eyes narrowed as Marie suppressed a smile. "What were you doing upstairs?" he asked suspiciously.

"I was just showing Nate my drawings, Dad."

Wariness crossed through his face. "Are you sure?" he asked incredulously. Marie nudged him with her elbow as Dad's eyes widened as if he was just registering one thing. "You showed him your drawings?"

I bit my lip, shrugging.

"She's really talented, Sr. I'm sure you're proud of her." Nate commented as he squeezed my hand.

Dad's eyes glanced at my boyfriend before looking at me. "I should know but the last time I saw one of them was over two years ago."

Nate's eyes snapped to me. I looked at him innocently, conveying, I told you I didn't show them to anyone.

"I'd love to see them, too Cassie." Marie chirped in, "You know, when you feel like it."

I stared at her for a moment in silence. It felt like something big when I murmured, "they're all over my bed, if you want to come up."

Marie's eyes sparkled lovingly as she swallowed hard, "I'd love to." Dad's eyes teared up as a shaky smile played on his lips. She turned to him smiling excitedly and climbed the stairs towards us.

"Come on up, Dad." He nodded gratefully. We all walked to my room.

Before entering the room, I frowned. I didn't want them to see Mom's letter. Nate squeezed my hand as if knowing what I was thinking. A reassuring smile played on his lips.

I pushed the door open and he walked instantly towards my desk. I smiled at him as he bobbed his head towards my father and Marie who were both immersed grabbing different drawings on their hands.

"This is beautiful," Dad said in awe. He looked up and smiled proudly.

"It is!" Marie grinned at the eyes and lips sharing a knowing smile with me.

I placed both hands on my jeans pockets, "thank you."

Dad's eyes brimmed with tears as he stared at the lake drawing, "I'm so proud of you, honey. And I know your Mom is also very proud of you as well." I swallowed hard nodding. "Come here," his arms reached out for me and I hugged him exhaling a shaky breath.

Things were getting better.