Chapter's song: Thomas Rhett - Die A H appy Man

The semidarkness of the room combined with the smell of incense were starting to make feel at ease. Absentmindedly, I traced my finger on the carved elephant as Amanda finished a phone call. My eyes roamed all over her office, to the elephant statue to the large paneled window that overlooked the park where I first talked to Nathan. My stomach churned uneasily at the mere thought of him. Boy, I'm screwed up. However, the spicy scent, the warmness in the room and the steamy tea pot on the corner gave it all a sort of homey feeling. It felt more like visiting a friend than actual therapy. It was a nice change.

Amanda finished her call and placed a small plate filled with buttery treats in the middle of the table. "I hope you like green tea" She smiled while she poured the tea in a bright yellow mug. Her smile didn't falter as she added nonchalantly, "your father called me." 

Of course he did. 

My heart clenched. I shifted on my seat uncomfortably. Ignoring my awkwardness, she eyed me softly. "He seemed concerned".

Could he think that I might want to hurt myself once again? That feeling of guilt and shame washed over me. Of course he did. I had done it once and I could very well do it again, right?

Sighing, I followed her every move as she served the second cup of tea. "I'm fine." I hated how worried he always seemed to be over me. And I knew that there was no one but me to blame about it.

"Are you?" she placed the mug in front of me as she raised an eyebrow.

My shoulders slumped as my eyes followed the delicate pattern that the steam was drawing over the mug. My brows creased as I murmured, "he's dating Marie." Amanda took a sip of her tea as I gazed at her. She wasn't surprised or alarmed as I expected her to. Her eyes were steady as she stared back at me. "But you already knew that, right?"

Her lips set on a straight line. "Yes. Your father called me last week. He was worried about your reaction and wanted to let me know in advance." How thoughtful of him, I sourly thought. She grabbed the plate of cookies and took one, before placing it closer to me on the table. "Want to talk about it?" she asked before bringing the small cookie to her mouth.

No. 

My eyes turned to the large window once again. Resentment burst from within me. I obviously disapproved it. It felt like Dad was being reckless, like he was replacing Mom. It angered me to see him with another woman so soon. And her best friend, nonetheless. Of course he was worried at my reaction. I was shocked and completely outraged at the whole situation. It felt unfair that I was sitting on the therapist's office when it was clear that he needed therapy as well.

Silence reigned over the room as I glared outside. My eyes turned to the clock next to the incense and I grimaced as less than fifteen minutes had passed. Time seemed to be passing too slowly.

The annoyance I felt for the whole situation started to dissipate as my right hand touched my scar. Had I been too absorbed in my pain that I never saw this coming? Was I being selfish? Did I have any right to be angry at him at all? After all, I'd been in my own little world and it never occurred to me once that anything like this could ever happen. But that was it. I was always concerned about myself.

I gnawed on my lip. The minutes passed as Amanda patiently waited for me to say something while she drank her tea.

Feeling guilty about it all, I took a deep breath while my hand kept tracing the scar. Dad's sad eyes encased in dark grey circles as he visited me on the hospital played on my mind. Part of his anguish and sorrow had been my doing. Maybe Marie had helped him cope through it all. She was a good woman. Her only fault was that she was taking Mom's place. And that hurt beyond anything.

Tears brimmed in my eyes as I swallowed hard. "I'm angry and disappointed," I casted my eyes down to my fidgeting hands, "and I feel worst because, what right do I have to?"

Amanda blew over her hot beverage before taking a sip. "Talk to me, Cassie. Let it all out."

A shaky breath left my lips. "It's not that I don't like her. Marie is okay, I guess. I just don't like how my dad is cutting flowers, Mom's flowers, for her." My voice was soft as I glanced at Amanda for a moment. "Or her food. I don't like it. It's different." 

Even though the words were coming out of my mouth, I couldn't but notice how selfish and childish I sounded. Setting my lips in a straight line, I clenched my hands in tight fists. Stop being so selfish, I admonished myself. 

"I know I'm being selfish," my brows were furrowed as I gazed at the window once again. "But it's just that Mom isn't here." My voice cracked as the last words left my mouth. I breathed out and wiped the tears away. "It's like we're replacing her. And I don't want to replace her." I closed my eyes for a moment. "Not now nor ever. I can't let her go. I want to hug her and I want to kiss her cheek and I want to hear her laugh. Even her absolutely horrid sneeze." I snorted at that as a tear rolled down my cheek. "I want her back." 

My chest tightened as all the pain and sorrow from the night she passed away crashed on me once again. "I can't replace her. I need her. I need her back," I chocked on a sob as I finished talking. "I miss her," I whispered as the tears rolled down. "I miss her so fucking much."

Amanda stood up and walked to me, a tissue box in her hands. She passed me one. Her eyes were sad and somewhat understanding. "I know it hurts, Cassie. But this," she rubbed the back of her palm on my right cheek, "this is what you need to do. You need to say it all and you need to cry and mourn. Don't keep it to yourself."

"I hate crying," I said between tears.

"Me too. But it's part of who I am and I have to accept it" she said. 

This sucks. This seriously sucks.

"Shouldn't I feel better by now? Why do I cry so much? It's been a while and I cry all the freaking time."

Amanda grabbed my hand and looked straight at me. "You miss your mom, Cass. That's a huge deal. You're going to cry the rest of your life for her; there will be times where you'll remember her and smile at the happy memories but there are going to be times that you're going to miss her so much that you're going to find yourself crying over her. Even years after. Something can trigger her memory just because." She passed me the tea. 

Complying, I took a small sip as she sat next to me. "The thing is that the more you love someone, the more you hurt when they are gone. And that's great. That means that you loved her, that you still do. That even though she's not physically with you, she was so important that her loss is causing chaos inside of you. That she left with a piece of you and you feel empty because of that. And all that is because you love her. A love so real, so raw, so true." Her hazel eyes looked sad as she added, "that's the way people should love all the time. With all their heart."

Sniffing, I averted my teary eyes, "it hurts so bad."

"So it should be." She patted my leg in empathy. "The deeper the scar, the greatest the love." I knew very well that she was talking about a scar within my soul, because that's exactly what I felt was missing, a part of my soul. However, I couldn't help but look at both my wrists for a moment; towards the darker, fleshy slashes on both of them. 

"Wear those scars proudly." Amanda added as she glanced at them too. "Because they mean that you're fighting, that you're not giving up and even though you may feel distraught most of the time, you're making an effort. You're here, talking to me, reaching out." Her eyes were sincere as she gazed at me, "you're a fighter." I bit my lip as she added, "and you're right, Cass, nobody will ever replace her." Despair swept through me as I swallowed the lump down my throat. 

Softly, she asked "Have you talked to your father about how you feel?"

I shook my head. "We don't talk about Mom. Ever." I really hadn't noticed that. We talked about the everyday and such but Mom just wasn't mentioned. Because it was too hard or too sad, I didn't know which.

Disappointment flashed through her face. "You have to." She shook her head, "you both have so much pain and you're both trying to work things out by yourselves but you have to team up, work together." Her eyes gazed at me concerned.

"I'm so mad at him and that makes me feel so guilty at the same time," I trailed obviously peeved while shaking my head.

Amanda smiled at me. "Why do you think he's dating Marie?"

Just hearing those words made my stomach clench uneasily. "Mom talked to us about it. She said she didn't want him to end up alone, that he had to move on and such." 

Bullshit, if you ask me.

"You still disapprove, right?"

My head was hanging low as I nodded. "I shouldn't have a say in it, though."

She took a deep breath. "Think about it, Cassie. Why is your father doing this? Just because your Mom told him to? Or could there be another reason for him?"

I let her words sink for a moment.

My stomach sank as I remembered him crying when he told me that Mom had passed away. I remembered him grabbing her cold hand and kissing her on the forehead as she was lying on her bed minutes later after. My eyes teared up as I remembered his sad glazed eyes when we returned from Mom's funeral. The despair and the pain that was set on them as we walked inside the house knowing that she wasn't there anymore.

I hadn't seen him cry since then. But I hadn't been there, either. Marie probably had.

She was a good person. She just wasn't Mom.

"I'm trying to understand him. I'm just being selfish, I know."

Amanda squeezed my hand. "Everyone is selfish. It's in the human nature. Don't feel bad about it. You're hurting because you're still processing your Mom's death. On the other hand, you feel like your Dad is just replacing her." Her eyes were soft and understanding as she added, "but he isn't." My heart clenched at her words. "No one will replace her, Cassie. No one."

Frowning, I whispered, "so, why is he doing this?"

She took her hand away and stepped to her own couch. "What if he feels so sad that he might need someone to help him go on? Someone close to your Mom? Someone that is hurting as much as him?"

My right hand traced the scar on my other wrist as I thought about it. Marie had always been Mom's best friend. They were as close as sisters. They had grown up together and they had gone through different situations in life. Marie was hurting from Mom's death as much as Dad. 

They had her in common.

As that thought popped into my head, I couldn't but think about Nathan too. How I felt drawn to him because he seemed to understand me. He didn't judge me; he didn't pity me. He kind of let me be. And he was there for me.

Stuttering, I looked up at my therapist, "what if he is just trying to survive?" Amanda smiled reassuringly while I stood up and slowly started to pace the room as I added, "they have Mom in common. And probably me, too. She found me the night that I," I cringed while raising my wrist for a second before putting it down, "and she probably helped Dad while I was away."

"I think so to. He's with someone who understands his pain and is in pain herself."

A shaky breath left my lips as I stared at my shoes. "She's still not my Mom."

"No. She isn't." Amanda took her mug I her hands once again, "but she can be your friend, if you let her."

What if I don't? What if I feel like this is still too soon? What if I'm just a selfish bitch who doesn't care about anyone but herself?

As if she was sensing my thoughts, her lips set in a straight line. "You are still processing your Mother's death, Cassie. Give it time." Silence reigned over me. "You are being too harsh on yourself."

I didn't know if I was being harsh or not. I just knew that it hurt. So fucking much.

My heart was heavy as I fidgeted with my fingers. "You know? The last time I talked to Mom I was getting ready to go to a party. I remember her sitting on my bed as I tried to choose whatever I was going to wear and she was there, asking me how I was feeling, what was new in my life and I," I swallowed hard, "I blew her off because it was getting late and Tom was picking me up. I remember telling her that it was getting late and that I would talk to her tomorrow." Tears pooled in my eyes once again, "She smiled and simply told me that she loved me." My voice broke at the end. I gazed outside as I sat defeated on the sofa. "What if she knew she wasn't going to make it through another day? And I just blew her off?" 

I never got to talk to her. Ever.

"She knows that you love her."

Does she?

The only comfort I had was of her in my dreams. The warm feeling, she gave off and the way she looked younger and happier. I explained it to Amanda. "But at the end, it's not real. It's just a dream."

"Grab on to that, Cassie. She loves you, no matter what, she always will and I am pretty sure she knew you loved her in your own way."

Mulling her words over, I glimpsed at the small digital clock on her desk. Our session had lasted more than two hours. Apologetically, I glanced at her. "I'm sorry. I'm taking your whole afternoon."

Amanda smiled softly. "No worries. I had no other appointments scheduled or I would have told you so." She stood up and started to gather the cookie plate and napkins off the table. I helped her out by taking the empty mugs to the desk next to the elephant statue. "But Cassie," her eyes were stern as she finished putting away the cookies, "you need to think about everything that you just told me. I know it was hard and I am grateful that you are trusting in me. Be aware of how brave you are being right now. Be as brave with your father. He loves you and he needs to hear what you think."

I would have never thought of myself as brave. In fact, I would say that trying to end my life was the weakest decision I could have ever made. I wanted to stop feeling. I didn't want to cry or be sad or feel empty. However, I had been given a second chance and I was trying to take advantage of it.

I also had to thank Marie for that, too.

As I was placing my jacket over my shoulders, Amanda grinned at me. "Unofficially, I want to thank you because since I saw you talking to Nathan, he has started to show up to my appointments." I blinked at her confused. "So, thank you."

I stammered, "uh, you're welcome." I guess.

A part of me wanted to ask her more about Nathan. Even though I knew she wouldn't say anything else. Nonetheless, as every day passed, I would find Nathan Rivers even more intriguing than the day before. Especially since we seemed to have so much in common and he was completely different than what I thought him to be.

"Oh, forget about it, I probably shouldn't have said anything," she commented nonchalantly but there was a mischievous glint in her eyes that said otherwise. "I'll see you next week, ok?"

Nodding, I waved feebly before she rolled her eyes and stomped forward before placing her arms around my shoulders. "You are so brave, Cassie. You are. Even if you don't see it right now." Tears pooled in my eyes as she pulled apart. "Take care, ok?"

Swallowing hard, I bit my lip. "You can tell Dad one thing; I will never try to hurt myself." Mom wouldn't want that. And I knew I had hurt my father when I did. The guilt was still etched in me every moment of every day. I knew I hadn't made things easier for him. Maybe I had even pushed him to be with Marie. As it was, I would never know.

I knew one thing, though. I loved my father and even if I couldn't understand him right away, I would have to respect his decision.

"I will," Amanda bobbed her head.

The walk back home was soothing in a way. The cool air nipped my cheeks as my feet moved in a synchronized pace. My mind was swirling with different thoughts as I processed everything.

There were so many regrets regarding to Mom. I felt guilty for the way I acted on the last day I saw her. For pretending to be someone that I wasn't. For not being there for her. For all the harsh things I had said over the last few years. For being so selfish. Most of all, because she was there and I couldn't appreciate that.

She was gone and I missed her like crazy. In a way, Amanda was right, Mom had left with a piece of me, leaving me this awful, heavy scar to carry on with every passing the day. However, in the midst of it all, I could see one boy comforting me by just being close to me. Not caring about what I had done or where I had been.

A soft smile played on my lips as I reached home. All thanks to that grey-eyed boy.

I have a confession to make. Every time I read this chapter, I cry. It's very raw, and it's very close to me. And even though it's been five years since my mom passed away... I still miss her. But then I remember that it's okay to be sad (even if I hate crying, like Cassie - and yet, I cry A LOT) and that I'm sad because I love her... and that wherever she is, she knows. 

I don't know if you have lost someone, but while I can't say that it will stop to hurt, I can say that you'll learn to live with your grief, and that this thing that hurts, it's like a tribute to that person that left. It means that you care. 

And whatever I do in my life, my aim is to have people that care about me, just as I care about a lot of people too. 

Love you all :)