Chapter's song: Sam Smith - Too Good At Goodbyes

I stared at my barely touched pasta. Forcing myself to eat, I twirled the pasta around my fork and popped a mouthful into my mouth. It was good. I should know, because I made it.

Two days had passed since I talked to Amanda. Dad had kept his distance; me too. Apparently, there was much to think about, much to digest in a way. We were both working things out in our own different manners. One thing was true, we needed to talk.

I had lost Mom. I didn't want to lose Dad, too.

After I got home from school, I searched through the cabinets and found some pasta and tomato purée. Mom loved to cook and there had been a time that I had paid close attention to her doing. So, in order to make some sort of peace offering, I decided to make dinner. Onion was chopped and tears were shed. Although I couldn't tell if they were just because I was sad or for the onion. It was a plain old tomato sauce but it tasted homey, therefore it was good enough. But I still wasn't hungry and my clothes were still loose.

"Have you made new friends at school?" Dad asked cautiously as he served some salad on his plate.

Letting my fork on the edge of the plate, I swallowed the last bite and drank some water. After cleaning myself with a napkin, I looked at him for the first time since we started dinner. "How long have you been dating her?" my voice was barely a whisper and I swallowed hard because I sort of dreaded the answer. The question had been on my mind ever since he told me so.

Dad's blue eyes looked at me calmly. He'd been expecting this. Of course he had. We had been avoiding ourselves but the big white elephant on the room was too large and too heavy now. He took a sip of his water before answering me. "We have only been together for a few weeks. But I want you to know that this is no ordinary relationship. We are together because we don't want to be alone." I stayed quiet as he sighed and pushed his plate away. "I never disrespected your mother, Cassandra. I was with her until her last breath." A pang of guilt played in my chest. "And not once did I think of another woman but her." He closed his eyes and when he opened them, they were teared up. "I miss her so much; but I know that she needed to go, she was hurting too much." He ran a palm across his face completely distraught, "God, she'd been in so much pain for the last three years."

My eyes were brimming with tears as I recalled her cold body lying peacefully on her bed and her pale face. She had been in pain. I didn't know what was worse: cancer or chemotherapies. The treatment was too harsh. Especially since they found the disease when it was already advanced.

I remembered talking to her about it a few months back. She told me she wanted to live but her body wasn't responding to the treatment. I remembered how her voice broke and tears rolled down her cheeks as she finished speaking. I couldn't utter a word because I just didn't know what to say. My heart was in my chest as I embraced her. Because I didn't know how to make it better. It was frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time.

My stomach clenched as I rubbed my bumpy scar on my right hand. I looked to the side as my tears started to roll down my cheeks. Dad's chair creaked as he got up. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. He held me tight as I cried on his shoulder. My arms encased him.

I still didn't know what to say to make things better. And I missed her.

I felt awful for everything that had happened. For everything I had or hadn't done. However, there was one lesson I had learned: speak your mind. Voice your feelings. That was what I regretted the most with Mom. There were too many unspoken words that were caught down my throat. I just couldn't let it happen again.

If anything, I needed to start to open up to the people I loved.

So, for the first time in a long time, I clasped Dad's arms tighter and spoke the words that were etched in my heart, "I love you, Dad." My voice was hoarse from crying as I added, "I'm really sorry for everything." His back was shaking and his breathing was elaborated as he cried too. And knowing that he was crying was heartbreaking.

We hugged each other for a moment as we both let out so many emotions. "I just don't want to lose you," I stared at those sad eyes of his. "I can't lose another parent."

Dad's blue eyes were brimming with tears and I could see the despair and sadness in them. "You won't lose me. I'll always be around nagging you to no end."

A shaky snort left my lips as I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. "Promise?"

He nodded. He stared at me for a moment before adding, "I just don't want to be alone. In a few months you will be gone and Marie, she is a good woman and she misses your mom. Just like me." He took a seat as I bit my lip, listening intently to his words. "We talk about her. A lot. And she doesn't feel bad for me because she's hurting too She understands me." I knew about that. That was the same way I felt with Nathan. His eyes were serious as he looked at me. "As I told you, this is different. I don't have a crush on her. I want her company."

An uneasy feeling washed through me. "Dad, is that good enough reason to be with her?" Is that enough to offer her? Wanting to be with someone because you don't want to be alone doesn't seem like a valid reason to me.

"She's tired of being alone, Cass." His eyes turned towards the kitchen, Mom's favorite room. "We both want the same thing. We have been friends for a long time and I know she's a good woman."

I swallowed hard. "I know she's a good woman, Dad. I'm not sure if this is fair for her."

"She's a grown woman. She knows what she's getting into." Doubt crossed my mind but he seemed determined. Plus, I knew this wasn't my choice to make. I only had to respect his decision. Even if I was still trying to understand him.

"I need to move on." The crease on his brows deepened. "Your mom seems to be everywhere." He shook his head. "It's great to talk to someone without feeling judged or pitied."

I knew the feeling. I nodded at him as my eyes brimmed with tears once again. "How serious are you?"

A strained smile played on his face. "Pretty serious. You know me. If we are going to start something, we might as well do it right."

Oh God. Is he going to marry her?

My stomach churned uneasily. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my palm, "Gosh, you just told me that you are kind of dating and now you are telling me that you are getting married?"

He chuckled as he leaned on his chair, "well, you are seeing an expensive therapist. I might as well take full advantage of that," he trailed somewhat amused at his own private joke.

I scoffed as I crossed my arms. I looked around. The kitchen was definitely not spotless as it had been for the last few months. There were dirty pots on the sink and a couple of used glasses over the counter. I did kind of expect to have Mom barge in through the door and demand to have her kitchen clean after dinner. I smiled a teary smile at that and swallowed hard.

Gazing at Dad, I fidgeted with the hem of my sweatshirt. "I can't believe that Mom is gone half of the time. I hate to cry and I seem to be doing that all the time." I grimaced, "so what I'm trying to say is that you will have to give me time to accept all of this. I'm still struggling with Mom's death and I'm not ready to see you dating." I raised my palm to stop him. He was about to retort. "But I know that you are doing what you feel is right. Just give me time to get used to the idea." He mulled my words over before nodding in silence. "So, please don't kiss or hug or whatever. I'm not ready for that. Not yet."

Dad smiled. "Of course."

"And you know, don't marry until I'm gone?"

He chuckled. "Just promise me something." I looked at him expectantly for a moment. "Don't ever, ever, do anything to harm yourself." I bit my lip at his words and I shook my head because I couldn't say anything else without bursting into tears once again. "No matter how hard life gets, there's always a lesson in every moment of your life, and your life is too precious to give up."

I swallowed hard. In a raspy voice I mumbled softly, "I promise."

His eyes were deep as he added, "I can't lose you, Cassie."

My stomach plummeted to the ground. I had caused so much pain for him. "I'm sorry," I whispered softly as my eyes casted down.

"I know you are sweetie. I know you are." He patted me on the shoulder before kissing me on the forehead. "Now, let's clean this mess up, okay?" Dad seemed lighter. Sort of relieved. As if someone had just lifted a weight off his shoulders.

We cleaned up the kitchen. He complained endlessly about the amount of dishes I had used but I knew he was teasing me. And it felt nice to be bickering about trivial things. Especially since we such a deep heart-to-heart talk.

Later, as I laid in bed, I stared at my ceiling for a while thinking about everything that had happened today. My father was getting married. To my mother's best friend.

Even though I heard his reasons, I couldn't help to feel shocked about it all. It would take some time to get used to the idea. However, Dad was right. He couldn't let despair drown him. And if anyone in this world deserved to be happy, it was him.

He had dedicated his life to us.

When Mom got sick he moved heaven and earth to find a treatment for her. He helped her more than anyone else. If there was anything like heaven, I was sure she was there and she was waiting for him. He had earned it.

At some point, I must have fallen asleep. I dreamt about stew and spaghetti sauce and in between it all I could see Mom smiling at me.

Needless to say, I woke up feeing somewhat reassured. Like I always did when I saw her in any of my dreams. Grabbing sporty clothes, I changed and started to jog in time to see the sunrise over the river. I loved the different colors and the warm feeling the sun gave off as it came out. As the first rays of sunlight appeared on the sky, I thought about Dad again.

He needed to move on.

Could marrying someone else could be the best way to do it? I didn't know. I just knew that he was trying to keep on living. Trying to have a life without Mom. The selfish part of me hated it all. Maybe I was being too harsh on him. Just like I was being hard on me.

Nevertheless, I needed to respect his choices even if I didn't agree with them.

I knew that I could live without my mother. I just didn't want to.

That was the hard part.

I missed her like crazy and in some part moving on seemed thoughtless and selfish. How could I forget about her? How could I stop aching for her?

It didn't seem right.

Just as it didn't seem right to do something that I could enjoy. It felt as if I was forgetting about her. Like drawing. I just couldn't.

Was I wrong? Probably.

Would Mom want that for me?

No. Never.

She would want me to be happy in my own way.

My chest tightened as I leaned on the metal rail with a fresh set of tears in my eyes.

I don't want to lose you, Mom.

But I couldn't keep like this. Life like this sucked. Big time.

I was tired of crying and feeling guilty and shameful. If anything, I was alive. And life was meant to be lived. I just didn't know how...

My eyes absorbed every color the sky was painting out to me. I wanted to draw it. And I could; I watched mesmerized as the colors mingled on their reflection at the river and I marveled at the way nature worked. The birds were chirping as the air danced with the leaves on the trees.

The feeling of a new day.

A new day with endless possibilities. A new day alive.

Life is made of moments. It was up to me to make the most of those moments. I owed it to Mom.

And for the first time in my life I needed to do whatever felt right to me.

My feet started to move on their own accord. I passed trees and crossed streets as I repeated in my head: do whatever feels right for you.

Doing the right thing meant that I needed to apologize and eventually I needed to forget myself. I wasn't ready to do that yet but I could start by apologizing and trying to keep on. One day at a time.

In a way, I felt a ray of hope; and I knew that Mom would be proud of me if I tried to be a better person.

With that in mind, as soon as I got home I grabbed a pair of washed jeans and a blue tank. I took a quick shower and combed my hair to let it air dry on my way to school. Since I was already late for school, I grabbed a granola bar before kissing Dad on the cheek and saying goodbye.

Flushed from trotting to school, I found myself at the parking lot observing my classmates and kids from other years mingle and laugh. I took a deep breath. I wanted that. I wanted to laugh and talk mindlessly at other people. It had been too long since I did that. Too long wearing that stupid fake smile on my face.

Slowly, I made my way to the main entrance. Farah was stepping out of her family's car, a white minivan, when she spotted me and waved. I smiled back and was about to walk to her when I saw Anne walking through the parking lot alone.

With a heavy heart, I followed her with my eyes as she disappeared inside the school. Sighing and smiling apologetically at Farah I moved my lips, "See you later?"

"Sure," she grabbed the strap of her green backpack and walked behind me smiling. Probably to Chris. I turned back and sure thing, he was there beaming back at her. Rolling my eyes, I shook my head with a small smile on my face before jogging towards the school's front doors where I had just seen Anne walk through. I reached her as she was opening her locker. Swallowing hard, I murmured shyly, "hi."

She ignored me as she continued to pull a book from her school bag. I gnawed on my lip. "Look, I just need a minute. That's all. And I promise that I won't bother you again." She stopped mid-air. "Just one minute." Clearly peeved, she looked at me raising an eyebrow. "I'm sorry," I burst out awkwardly. "I'm sorry I ditched you." I took a deep breath as I averted my eyes. "I'm not proud of it. I've regretted it for a long time. It was stupid and immature and you didn't deserve it." My eyes were teary as I looked up. "I needed you. I was too stubborn to know it at the time." My chest was tight as I whispered again, "I'm really sorry."

Anne's green eyes were sad and hurt at the same time. Her lips were clasped tightly and I could see how hard she was holding her chemistry book. I looked at her for a moment before blinking the tears away and nodding at her. I swallowed the lump down my throat as I walked through the hallway.

I didn't know if she would ever forgive me. But at least I had to apologize. It was the right thing to do and I should have done it a long time ago.

As I walked to my first class, I felt a light bump on my arm. And I just knew who it was without looking to the side. And just like that, a warm feeling washed over me.

"Taylor," He said in that distinctive dark tone of his.

"Rivers," My lips twitched and I could swear that I could hear that lopsided smile of his.

"What's up?" I shrugged in response as I turned to him.

My lips parted as I stared at those mesmerizing grey eyes that gazed at me somewhat amused. He was smiling crookedly. "Are you going to Farah's?"

Confused at his question, my brows furrowed. "I have no idea what you're talking about," I trailed trying to remember if Farah had said something yesterday.

Nathan's smile widened. "Probably because she's too busy swallowing my friend's face" he nodded to the side where Farah and Chris were, in fact, practically swallowing each other.

"Ewe," I turned away clearly disgusted.

Nathan chuckled. "I know, right? And you were not walking next to them when they started it."

"Are you sure they're inviting us? Maybe they just want to be alone or something."

Entertained, he added, "She actually invited Jay and you, out of all people, knows how persistent she is. Jay was trapped and couldn't say no. So, we are going" he finished in a satisfied tone.

"Have fun!" I shrugged and started to walk away when he grabbed my arm. Tingles played where our skin touched and my heart started to race as his eyes bored on mine.

"You're coming too, Taylor. I just wanted to let you know so you can switch your loony meeting for another day."

I blinked at him. He was wearing a dark grey Daft Punk t-shirt. And the color did bring out his eyes. Ugh. "You do realize that by calling me a- "I downed my voice, "loony, you are calling yourself one too."

His smirk widened and he leaned closer to me, "So?" His closeness was pretty unnerving, so I pulled away flushing.

"I don't have to go today," I muttered watching everyone pass us by, a few of our peers watching us curiously. I kind of expected some kind of weird comeback but Nathan was silent next to me. Too silent. I turned to him and he was watching me with an awed expression on his face.

Scrunching my nose, I asked self-consciously, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

He blinked as if he'd been in some sort of trance. "So, what's the deal with the red head?"

Huh? What was that all about?

"I have to get to history" I said dismissively but Nathan grabbed my arm again. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach. And I kind of wanted to punch myself because I could feel my warm cheeks, too.

"Seriously, Cass" his eyes were deep, "are you ok?"

I gazed at him for a moment. Truthfully, I didn't know exactly how I was feeling. Too many things were going on at the same time. Besides, him touching me was not helping my case. At all. "I'm working on it?"

Nathan's lips tugged up on a breathtaking smile and his voice came out a bit husky as he said "good." His hand gently squeezed my arm before letting me go.

"Come on," Farah tugged me towards our classroom, "you can drool over him later." She smiled as I rolled my eyes.

"I wasn't drooling" I deadpanned.

"You keep telling yourself that" my blonde friend smirked at me.

"What's the deal with you inviting everyone at your house today?" I whispered at her as we both took our seats.

"I called you yesterday but your phone sent me to voicemail!" she said defensively.

Mr. Rufus, our history teacher, glared at us. He was really old in that cute grandpa kind of way. I mean, even if he was glaring at us he didn't look menacing. We both smiled at him and he shook his head as he continued talking. I shushed Farah and she shrugged innocently. I did forget about my phone yesterday. To be fair, I rarely paid attention to it because no one called or texted me.

"Sorry" I whispered at her as I started to take notes.

"You're coming, right? My mom is taking my sisters to dancing class so we get the house to ourselves. I was thinking about getting pizza and playing a game or something." I nodded dismissively as I kept scribbling on my notebook. "You're such a nerd, Cass." I ignored her until a pang of guilt played in my stomach. To be honest, she didn't know much about me. I turned to see her and she smiled at me as she tapped her pencil on her paper.

It was probably time to change that.

I'm so proud of Cassie for trying to feel better. It's not easy, but it also sucks to be down all the time. And Nathan... aw. I'm sorry. I fangirl over my own story xD

Thank you for reading!!!!!