chapter twenty-five

"THAT WAS SOME SHOW back there," Amora spoke casually to break the ice.

She emerged from the tree line after her talk with Yoda to find Luke up near the ship. He was probably trying to see how much fixing it actually needed, because there was no way it was ready to fly after being completely emerged in water.

Her comment didn't seem to go over well as Luke sighed bitterly while removing some of the water weeds from the ship's wing. He wasn't bothered by Amora, just bothered by the reminder that he messed up.

She joined him on the opposite end of the ship, keeping a natural distance while still remaining close. Yet even with a moderate gap between them, Luke could sense that something was off about her. Something about her emotions were wavering and upset. But he didn't say anything, hoping that she'd bring it up herself.

"Y'know, I'm still impressed," she glanced over at him out of the corner of her eye while opening up a compartment to drain some water.

He hadn't stopped moving, but his actions slowed down considerably while he listened to her speak. Amora could've sworn she saw a hint of a blush creep up on his cheeks, but she was used to it by now and pretended like she didn't notice, for his sake.

"I know it's not easy to use the Force," she went on, attempting to sound indifferent. "I saw the way you lifted that rock earlier. I don't think you give yourself enough credit."

"Yeah, all that before I fell," he replied with disappointment laced in his voice.

Amora's face went blank with disbelief. Was he serious? Acting like lifting objects with your mind was an everyday occurrence? Tatooine wasn't that progressive.

"Gimme a break," she rolled her eyes sarcastically, letting her arms fall to her sides as she fully faced him.

Is this what it was like for other people dealing with her?

"You probably did that flawlessly a thousand times before," she assured him the best she could without any real insight on if he actually could. But she truly believed it. "I'm sure Artoo can vouch."

Right on cue, the droid let out a pattern of confirming beeps from by the shore. Amora pulled on a smug smile and raised her eyebrow while motioning to Artoo.

"See?"

Luke was too generally cheerful of a person to skillfully hide his small smile. Amora and Artoo were a handful when they were together and had developed the habit of teaming up against him.

But the smile didn't last too long. It was hard not to when Amora's was fake and forced. Her heart just seemed to be elsewhere, her thoughts distracted and diverged. Woe came out in unmistakeable waves that Luke couldn't ignore.

She turned away and watched the water swirling soundlessly above whatever swam below. "All you need is a little more time."

He wished he could focus on her encouragement, he really did, but her emotions were much too distracting. And she clearly wasn't going to bring it up on her own.

"Amora, what is it?"

Amora couldn't stop herself from freezing. That was the fateful question she always dodged with stealth and certainty. The one that was much more enjoyable to run from or lie than actually stay and answer. Not that it came up in conversation often. But the rare times it did, she was ready to change the topic. Except, Luke knew when she was lying, the Force or not.

Of course he knew something was wrong.

As easy as it would've been, she didn't play dumb. It would only be delaying the inevitable.

"I fixed my ship," she eased into her worries, still keeping her eyes forward. "And it turns out there's spare canisters of fuel in the supply compartments, for emergencies." She could feel him watching her intently, although she couldn't sense his expression. "That means I'll be leaving, probably tomorrow."

This wasn't exactly the ideal way she'd imagined telling him, but it'd have to do. She only hoped it went over well.

"Leaving?"

That's not what he was expecting. He could feel her conflict, her distress, that wasn't there before she left the clearing. She didn't arrive with such strong feelings already built up. It had only made sense that her sudden conversation with Yoda was the cause.

Although he was right, he didn't know that, and was thrown for a loop by her bluntness.

"Mhm," she nodded with pursed lips.

But he didn't respond to her confirmation. His silence was the loudest thing in the still clearing. It unsettled her. Not even realizing she was holding her breath, Amora finally looked up, although she instantly regretted doing so.

His wounded look spoke immense volumes. The hurt glint in his eyes shone brightly with bits of confusion, only showcasing the lack of any typical joy. Like she just told him she was going on a suicide mission tomorrow. To be fair, she might as well be. It made her feel guilty.

"Please don't look at me like that," she voiced stiffly and abashed.

"I'm sorry," Luke bowed his head immediately in discomfiture. "I just... didn't know that was still the plan. I thought things changed."

They both knew what he meant by "things changed." Everyone knew Amora was fixing her ship with the sole purpose of leaving, but it was also assumed that she was in it for the long haul. That they crashed here together, so they'd leave together. It was the unspoken hope that their bond was too tightly woven for her to just leave him behind and everything their attachment stood for.

It was just hard to not take it personal. She wasn't just leaving the planet, she was leaving him. And, yeah, she had never expressed out loud that she would stay, but it just felt right.

Luke felt stupid for even assuming she'd want to stay.

"It's been weeks already," she tried to explain without sounding hurtful. "I mean, the rebellion probably thinks we're dead! Leia's probably worried sick! Han too, if he's still with them," she took in a deep breath and composed herself the best she could. "I know you have to stay here, but I can't. I need to find them and help rebuild. It's my job. It's bad enough that I've been gone this long."

Luke knew that wasn't all there was to the story. Nothing about her afflicted emotions changed as she spoke. There was something there that bothered her.

As for Amora, she didn't know what she wanted from him. A teary-eyed bid farewell? An angry rant? An encouraging send off? Anything but the silence he left them suspended in for an excruciating five seconds.

"Amora, what else is this about?" he asked as gently as possible.

It was no secret that she had a tendency to cower away from most topics about herself. Not the light stuff; she could go on and on about her new favorite hairstyles, her favorite memories with Zolynn, her favorite things about Luke... but that last one was only with Artoo. The point was, she could talk about herself all day, as long as it didn't cross into the cliché tragic backstory territory. That was pushing it.

But she knew what this was about. This was the exact same conversation she had with Yoda minutes ago. But for some reason, this was different. Because it was Luke. Yet she couldn't stop her mouth from moving before her mind could tell it not to.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

The words immediately made Amora cringe, not only disgusted by them, but also with herself. Why was her instinctive response so defensive? Yoda must've been more correct than she initially thought.

Her rude tone wasn't unnoticed by Luke, who, in surprise, attempted to stutter out an apology.

"I didn't-"

"No, don't answer that," she shook her head away, eyes squeezed shut in shame. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

He wasn't offended, just confused with the whole situation. She was so quick to shoot down any form of help. Why did she think she couldn't talk to him?

"I don't think I've ever seen you take a break before," he explained in the softest voice. "Nothing you do is for yourself. Why?"

He was right. Amora constantly lived in the future rather than the present, doing everything in her power to stay in power. She was comfortable in control, but what she really needed to do was let go.

She recalled what Yoda told her. It was okay to care. It was okay to feel concern for others. That didn't make her weak. It was the only way she'd truly be at peace. And Luke would never judge her for it.

Amora clenched her jaw and stared at him straight on, cluelessly hoping that her discomfort wasn't all that obvious (which it most definitely was). "We were beat real bad on Hoth. Not everybody made it out. Just think of how many people could still be alive right now if we were actually prepared."

Luke furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Those losses had nothing to do with Amora. There was no way she could actually hold herself responsible for it.

"You can't blame yourself for that," he shook his head empathetically, approaching her with a tender look. "Nobody knew the Empire was coming,"

She shook her head and grit her teeth, hopelessly trying to blink away the tears that brimmed her eyes. "It's not just that. I don't want that to happen again. It can't. We've already lost so much. And I'm just so tired of losing people." Her voice cracked as a few tears managed to spill out over her cheeks. "I tell myself that that's just a life with the rebellion and I should be used to it, but I'm not."

It was so uncomfortable to cry in front of someone else, even if that someone was Luke. But she refused to wipe away the tears. Being afraid to cry was more of a weakness than letting it all out. It was okay.

"Before I met you, I didn't have much to fight for," she admitted with a sniffle. "I only did it because the Empire deserved to fall. Not because I cared about 'saving the galaxy' or protecting anybody. Just to watch them get what they deserved. And to be honest, it never occurred to me that we could actually succeed. I really thought we'd be killed one way or another." She forced a bitter laugh that mixed with a hiccup. "But it's not like I had much else to live for, anyways."

As depressing as that last confession was, it was completely true. Besides her passion for destruction and end-goal of revenge, there was never anything worth fighting for. Her own life barely made the cut. In a way, she should be thankful for her anger and spite that kept her alive.

The tears were streaming from her eyes endlessly, but she was too deep to quit now.

"All I ever wanted was to get revenge on the Empire. That's it. I wasted so many years just being... angry. Living just to kill." She took a shaky breath, pondering the desolation of her life up until now. "And I need to make up for that now, y'know, live for people other than myself." Her thoughts gushed out like water now, and she was extremely grateful for Luke's great listening skills. "I don't say it, but I do care about the rebellion. And to be honest, I'm really, really scared of what's gonna happen next." Her breathing wasn't nearly as irregular as before and allowed her to pause for another calming breath. "Those are my people that I have to get back to. I need to make sure that they're alright because I don't want a repeat of what happened last time."

By now her crying had stopped, and all that remained were a few faint tear trails streaking her cheeks. She didn't bother rubbing them away, instead pausing for a deep breath and finishing softly. "That's why I need to leave."

Luke didn't answer right away. He wasn't even looking at her. But that's only because he knew it's what she would've wanted. There was no sign of judgement or disgust on his face. No annoyance or frustration with her outburst.

When he did look up at her, the confusion had turned to clarity. Pure compassion for the side of her she hated to show even herself. He was too good for her. She didn't deserve his affection.

"I understand," he nodded with understanding. "But you're allowed to live for yourself." "You deserve it."

Amora couldn't bear to make eye contact. One look into his sapphire irises would only make her crumble all over again. She focused on a pebble on the ground. It's size, it's color, it's texture. Anything but him and his loving spirit.

Because if she did, there was no doubt she'd choose to stay.

"Not when so many people are counting on me to live for them," she finally countered quietly. "As much as I want to stay, I can't choose myself right now."

Luke didn't answer. He reached out and grabbed her hands, enfolding them with both of his own as he held it up to chest-level. His thumb rubbed circles in the top of her hand in a recurring pattern that stole some of her strain.

He held her now with the allusions of such warmth, such security, that were always a rarity. It was a basic gesture. Not much meaning behind it. Just the pleasant actions of two friends holding hands to feel connected to each other. But to Amora, it was everything. It made her feel safe.

When she had first found out he was leaving, before she realized she couldn't meet the rebellion at the rendezvous point, Amora had suppressed any heartache she felt. There were things more important than her silly feelings she had refused to admit. She thought a leader wouldn't be swayed by a little heartbreak from a boy that wasn't even hers. But if that's what a leader is supposed to be, then Amora had shed that title long ago.

In that moment, it was too hectic to truly understand that he was leaving. As in, going somewhere she wasn't for a significantly long time. It really didn't feel like it, though, in the chaos. The words went through one ear and out the other, only hearing them for their definitions and not their true meaning.

But now, standing on Dagobah with no hurry to prepare for battle or anger from a previous conversation, Amora felt the sudden urge to stay. To forget that she cared about the rebellion and everyone who was fighting for their lives at this very second. She could stay here with Luke for as long as he needed, reliving fond memories of the past while making new memories for the future. Just them, save for the wise old mentor and snarky sidekick droid, isolated from the political panic across the galaxy. It was all too tempting for a girl who never took a break.

The problem with leaving was, Luke kept her grounded in ways that she struggled to do on her own. The hopelessness that engulfed her senses was whisked away like the wind when she was around him. He managed to show her the stars without even leaving the ground.

If she left, she'd be forced to channel that same optimism on her own. That was a whole lot easier said than done. She knew she had the strength to do it. She had to. But it would make her wildly happy to stay.

Unfortunately, that just wasn't possible. She did care about the rebellion. It would only hurt her more if she stayed. She stared up at him and whispered with the little breath she had left. "I can't just stay here doing nothing when I know I could be doing so much more."

He nodded with a saddened understanding, lifting up their hands to gently press his lips to her knuckles, staying there for a moment longer than he needed to be.

Amora didn't blush or bashfully look away, but she did smile. Just a simple smile. And it was the best feeling in the world, smiling after being sad.

Luke thought it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

"Tomorrow?" he made sure with a bit of positivity in his voice.

Obviously he didn't want her to go, but if she had to, then he'd support her until the very end.

"Tomorrow morning," she confirmed, but a careless smirk passed over her lips as she did. "But I guess I could push it to the afternoon."

They both quietly chuckled. Not because what she said was funny, or because they were in the mood for a good laugh. It was because they simply understood each other. They were living in the complete and utter present, standing in a dearly close position that neither could remember moving to.

Amora was just happy. Odd to say, because she had plans to venture off into the galaxy by herself, only clinging on to hope that the rebellion stayed put. It was a mystery that she was equipped for, just not exactly enthusiastic to endure. But luckily, that was the last thing on her mind. She was just happy because Luke made her happy.

In her radiance, it would be so easy to lean in and close the gap between them completely. Let their lips meet and let their bodies mold as one and-

No.

She couldn't. She most definitely wouldn't. Not right now. She might as well have been drunk on a cantina's cheap alcohol because she wasn't in the right frame of mind to go around kissing Luke like she knew what she was doing. No matter how much she felt the urge to feel his lips on hers and run her hands through his hair with desperate starvation, it just wasn't right.

But she needed to tell him. Any day could be her very last day alive, which wasn't a crazy thought with the rebellion. She couldn't just leave him for who knows how long, her life at risk every day, without telling him.

Maybe she was being selfish. What if he didn't have his own feelings figured out? What if he did, and it turns out he loved Leia? Or what if this all was the last thing on his mind? There were too many possibilities.

But if Amora was being honest, those possibilities were the last thing on her mind. Luke told her that it was okay to choose herself. And since tomorrow could be the last day she sees him ever, it seemed like the appropriate time to choose herself.

~  ☼  ~

author's note -

part three of the last two chapters! still cant believe i thought they would all fit in one smh. i thought i would have it up right after the others but i decided to rewrite some stuff first. anyways artoo listening to their whole conversation like 👁👄👁 so amora is struggling cuz yoda and luke gave her the same but different advice so shes just trying to find the balance between them. yoda said that its okay to care about others but luke said its okay to care about herself. both are obviously true, so shes working to do both equally. and amora rly just be crushing but its ok cuz luke is too and theyre just silently in love but its fine its fine so uh yeah thank you for reading! :)