chapter twenty-four

       THE X-WING INCIDENT HAD set Amora's plans back just a little bit. She wanted to tell them as a group, but now figured it would be best to wait until they weren't all together and tensions were less high.

       She promptly turned on her heel to make her way back to Artoo to give them a second by themselves. There were probably things they had to talk about without her lingering presence. Dropping the bomb about her leaving could wait for a few more minutes.

       "Artoo?" she asked for his attention once she arrived by his side, crouching down to his height. His head rotated in acknowledgment with a beep of questioning.

       "You'll be the first to know, so don't tell anyone yet," she started with a brief glance at the two conversing not far from her. "But I'm gonna be leaving tomorrow. Y'know, get back with the fleet."

       His head nearly spun all the way around, and Amora imagined his eyes would be bulging if he had any. He let out a flurry of beep and whistles in surprise.

       "Shhh!" Amora shushed him for the second time today, waving her hands around frantically with wide eyes. "I thought you were good at keeping secrets!"

       Artoo stared at her, unamused, and nearly began listing the variety of Amora's secrets from over the years that he'd done a very good job of keeping, but she quickly sensed where he was going.

       "Okay, okay, I walked right into that, you don't have to remind me," she interrupted fast, not wanting to be reminded of any embarrassing secrets of hers that she vented out to him privately. "Just add this one onto the list for now."

       Artoo seemed to ignore her words as he nudged his leg behind her at Luke and Yoda. She whirled around just in time to see the Jedi master turn away, almost sadly, with his head to the ground, hoisting up his cane to begin walking in the direction of the house.

       Amora bit her lip momentarily as she glanced between the two. This presented her with the quick choice of chasing after Yoda, who knew how to maturely set aside emotions when necessary, or Luke, who probably needed some time to digest the frustrating failure and Yoda's lectures.

       She figured it would be best to give Luke some time to clear his mind before she just blurted out her plans.

       Amora sprung up from her crouched position and walked out to the middle of the clearing. Luke, previously lost in thought over Yoda's lesson, now looked at her patiently from her sudden movement.

       "Hey," she spoke as gently as her voice would allow. His eyes were confused and muddled, not positive or inspired. She almost felt bad for leaving him so soon, but she knew he would prefer to try to figure things out on his own for a little bit. "I'll be right back."

       He nodded, although he looked even more confused. Not offended or hurt, just confused. "Alright."

       Amora shot him an apologetic look before dashing off through the trees to catch up to Yoda. It's not like he made it very far, but he was difficult to locate on a planet where he just blended in. It worked well for survival, but not when a tired girl was running through the jungle like an idiot to find someone who should only be ten steps in front of her.

       "Leaving so soon, hm?"

       She whipped her head down to see Yoda perched steadily on a root, almost like he was waiting for her. No doubt that he was, to be honest. She was just glad she didn't pull the blaster out of her holster in defense of his unexpected jump-scare.

       Amora stuck her hands in her pockets and shrugged nonchalantly. "He probably wants some time to himself."

       But he giggled with his high-pitched voice and shook his head in a way that confused her.

       "Not Skywalker. You," he bluntly stated "Leaving Dagobah, hm?"

       Did Artoo somehow snitch already?

       She shifted onto one foot to appear as relaxed as possible. "Oh, uh, yeah, that too."

       She didn't bother asking how he already knew. For all she was aware, he probably had superhuman hearing. She paled slightly at the thought of him hearing every conversation she's had on the planet. He could probably read her mind right now! Did that mean Luke could read her mind, too?

       If that were the case, he would've made a move by now.

       She shook those narcissistic thoughts out of her brain before answering Yoda's question. "I have to, you know that."

       He hardly seemed bothered by the news as he shuffled over to a nearby rock. "Yes, yes, destined for greater things than cooking, you are."

       "Figured," she commented, not caring if she sounded vain. She also walked over to the rock that Yoda situated himself onto, kneeling down to take a seat as well. "It's just that I've never been away from the rebellion for such a long time. And whenever I was, it was for a secret mission or something. It's been long enough, and now that I have the chance to get back, I think I should."

       He placed his cane next to him and faced her with a faint, mysterious smirk. "Is that the only reason, hm?"

       Amora was taken aback by the question. The only reason? Was there some other reason that she didn't know about herself? Or maybe she already knew the reason, yet felt safer not saying it.

       "Of course," she replied instantly with a mix of a scoff and a laugh. Although as doubts flooded her mind about the accuracy of that statement, she rushed to change the subject. "And why wouldn't it be? I mean, I gotta admit, this place is growing on me. I might just have to stay."

       "You are ambitious," he stated sternly, ignoring her attempts to sway the conversation. "You feel the need to fix what cannot be fixed. To help what cannot be helped. To take control of that which is not yours to take."

       Amora pursed her lips and dropped her gaze to the floor, feeling her stomach churn in discomfort. Yoda wasn't one to beat around the bush, but the intense, straightforward way that he accused her of wanting to leave was troubling. Even more troubling that he was right.

       "With all due respect, I don't think so," she replied with an uncomfortable laugh. She would do anything just to avoid the conversation he was easing into. "I do what's best for the rebellion's success. And if there's a problem that can't be solved, I'm not gonna waste my time."

       "That is what you believe?" he questioned in an almost taunting tone. "Louder than words, actions are. And feelings even more so."

       Amora shook her head stubbornly, refusing to acknowledge that he may be right. Yet even so, her words came out awkward and unsure. "I live for myself. It's the only thing that's kept me alive this long."

       "Perhaps you once did," he agreed, kindly giving her the benefit of the doubt. "But for yourself, no longer. For every soul who's been hurt like you, you live. You wish to cease other's pain. Take on other's responsibilities." He paused for a moment to shift on the rock to face away from Amora. "Here, you feel powerless."

       Powerless.

       That was exactly how she felt. Like there was real change happening somewhere in the galaxy that she had no part of. She had no contact with anyone to know what was going on. The Empire could have destroyed the remaining rebellion and she wouldn't know. She was absolutely helpless.

       "I just don't like not being in control," she stated simply. And it wasn't a lie. She liked having influence over outcomes, even if they weren't her own, the rebellion's especially. It just wasn't the complete truth as to why she liked being in control.

       Yoda silently analyzed her expression with a neutral look. It was obvious that she was lying to protect her own truths, but the question was why. He examined all of her emotions that poured out freely, only not in the form of words.

       "Fear," he decided, eyes peering into her own with an ardent curiosity. "Why should you fear to admit that you care?"

       Amora knew the answer. She's known that answer for a while now. The problem was, she had never been caught in a situation where she actually needed to talk to someone about it. But Yoda wasn't "someone." He was here to help her. That's all he cared about. He had the knowledge and experience to help with no strings attached. So if there was someone she felt comfortable asking for help from, it was Yoda.

       "If I admit to caring, then I admit to all the pain I've tried not to feel," she began slowly with a lack of emotional twinge. She hoped that pretending to be casual would relieve some of her inevitable nerves. "I thought that ignoring it would make me feel better, like it would make me feel stronger than I actually was. And I think I just carried that mentality without even questioning it." Her neutral tone was difficult to carry, but she swallowed thickly and carried on without a stumble. "I'm a general. People are counting on me to be strong. I can't afford to let people know when I'm worried or sad. If that means acting like I don't care about things I really should care about, then so be it, I guess."

       It was different to hear her feelings being spoken aloud rather than rattling in her head constantly. Somehow, it was more freeing than she expected, even if it was only the tip of the iceberg.

       "Pain, everyone experiences," he spoke kindly in great contrast to the way he was known to scold Luke. "Fear of pain should not stop love for others. Make you human, pain and love do. Embrace them. Do not run from them."

       Yoda had lived long enough to know what he was talking about. His advice was raw and true, with only good intentions. It would benefit her to take it, as much as she struggled to do so.

       "I know I care about my friends," she explained assuredly, voice accidentally cracking. "Of course I do. So I don't get why it's so hard to accept that I care about other things." She played with the fabric of her cargo pants to ground herself. "I just don't wanna be weak. But I'm still forcing myself to learn that it's not weak to be emotional, which I know will take some time." She clasped her hands in her lap and looked back at Yoda with fake confidence. "I'm sure I can figure that out after I've regrouped."

       He nodded in satisfaction. All he wanted her to do was learn.

       "As I'm sure you will. Only, sad, I am," he spoke softly as he reached a little hand out to pat her knee. "Sad to see you go."

       Amora nearly started crying right then and there. Someone as intelligent and benign as Yoda enjoyed her presence enough to miss her when she was gone. Her life had an impact on a legend that she would never even dream of meeting.

       "I thought Jedi weren't allowed to be sad," she teased lightly to soften the mood.

       "Allowed to be sad?" Yoda laughed in genuine amusement. "Lack of emotions make a Jedi, no, no, not in the slightest. Jedi should feel for each other, use empathy in their motivation. But not allow it to determine their actions. That is what separates a padawan and Jedi."

       Jedi are emotional, too?

       She could've sworn they were encouraged to shove those feelings down as protection to their culture, but it was possible she was mistaken. Either way, it didn't apply to her.

       "Then it's a good thing I'm neither," she instantly responded. It was meant to be a joke, but it came off more sad and truthful than intended.

       Truly, she was glad she was neither. The responsibility of the Force was too much to handle. Having to resist from the dark side? Amora didn't think she had that kind of control. She was better off without the lightsabers and superpowers. But Yoda was right about the use of empathy to guide your morals, even for non-Jedi. No matter who you were, you had the ability to let love guide you through right and wrong.

       Most of all, she was glad that she had mentors like Yoda and Obi-Wan to guide her through right and wrong. Her connection with Obi-Wan was valuable to the little girl who lost her family, and her connection with Yoda was valuable to the unsure girl who found a new one. No one said she was perfect, but their teachings made her far from a mess.

       "I just wanna say thank you..." Amora changed the subject from her awful attempt at a joke. "You've helped me a lot, but you probably already know that." Her typical confidence wavered as she freely expressed her gratitude. She didn't do it enough for it to feel right. "You've just... been there. And that's more than I can say about some people."

       Not even Amora knew what she meant when she said "some people." Can you really blame people for not being there when you've always shoved them away? It just felt nice to have one more person who, at the very least, tried to reach out to her.

       It appeared as though Yoda went to reply graciously, but Amora hurriedly interrupted.

       "And could you tell Obi-Wan, too?" she rushed out. "That I said thank you? Through the Force, or however you do it. I don't think I ever did."

       A twinge of guilt bloomed in her stomach after turning her thanks to Yoda into a thanks for Obi-Wan. But she hoped he understood that she meant no harm.

       Yoda shook his head wistfully and assured her. "He already knows... he already knows..."

       Amora wondered what he thought of her life up until now. After all, his spirit could watch over her every move without her ever knowing when. Was he proud of her achievements that made her such a well-rounded person? Or was he silently disappointed in the way she selfishly held herself? She assumed she'd never know the real answer. All she could do was try her best to make him proud, but to ultimately make herself proud.

       Amora nodded with a small smile and stood up to walk away, but quickly rotated back around, her smile the most sincere she's ever shown him.

       "I hope I can see you again some day. Just maybe under better circumstances."

~  ☼  ~

author's note -

hi! part two of last chapter! im happy cuz yoda learned from the council's old mistakes and now actually encourages love in a way :') oh and to clarify, when amora says she doesnt care about others, shes not saying she doesnt care about luke, leia, han, etc. obviously she cares about them and knows it plus shes very aware that she likes luke skdjsj. shes referring to her stance with the rebellion like not caring about civilian losses because "thats life," sacrificing some people for the greater good, and just fighting for "the cause" instead of the people the cause is for. thats how she thought before anh and, between anh and esb, she subconsciously began to care, just not saying it irl. even tho she knows its true, she doesnt wanna say it cuz "thats weakness" and "leaders are strong for others" yk. so yeah! thanks for reading!!! :)