My path to find what I wanted

I remember the first time I got dumped. It was in 9th grade by someone I really thought I liked and I thought he really like me but turns out, I was wrong about him. He dumped me with with a stupid reason that he didn't want to be told off by his parents for having a girlfriend in high school. A month after he broke my heart, he was with another girl that happened to be a friend of mine and he ended up hurting her too even though his parents were ok with her. This was when my demons started to gain strength. The next 3 and 1/2 years, it would grow into something that I wouldn't see until it made itself known one day. This is when I realized that they were there. The demons that made me think bad about myself. They were there and I hadn't seen them for 4 and a half years. This past year is when they were the worst. They really pulled out all the stops and attacked my mind with every negative thought and thing they could make me think about myself. There were 3 of them. The Demon of doubt, The demon of Fear or cowardice, and the Demon of Self-loathing. These Three were like Generals in a demonic army set to take over my mind with their negativity. I fought them for so long. Even when I didn't know they were there, I was still fighting them. I even fought them when in relationship. But they had closed of my heart and made it hard for me to love. But then again, I didn't know anything about the guy. He asked me out the day he met me. So I never had a chance to love him. So I had to let him go. So my heart stayed locked up.

In the past two years, the demons gainned an advantage. I was at a very low point in my life. I had joined a bunch of websites meant for dating and such but it wasn't really turning up anything. I talked to so many people but most turned out to want something I didn't want to give. Recently this year, my demons really took over. I was really feeling down and everyone happy in relationships around me made me feel like I was last pick and being left out. When my best friend and her boyfriend were over at my house smiling and cuddling on my floor, I felt alone and jealous. I wanted a love like that, but my stupid demons made me doubt that I would ever find it. They made me believe something I shouldn't. They made me fear the Idea of actually being in love if I ever found it.

There were two days, one in the month of June, and on the 19th of July were my demons were too powerful for me to fight. They had gained a strength that I could never hope to beat. I lost my battle those days to say the very least. The day in July was the day I finally told my mother what I thought of myself and how I had doubted myself for 4 and a 1/2 years. My best friend knew as well. She was there, trying to comfort me. On the 19th of July, they got me again with more of their black magic. I drew a picture of myself crying but smiling on my 3DS and posted to Facebook and DeviantART with this as the description. 

"I am 19 years old. I have a full life a head of me and I have amazing friends and family that are there for me....and I love them so much.

But I can't pretend to be happy when I am not. Sure I am happy most of the time but only when I am distracted with things that make me happy.

I wear a mask that no one close to me sees. It hides things that I don't show. It keeps the demons I have locked away until I am alone and have to face them.

My mind...is so mean to me. From about the time I had my first boyfriend after he dumped me, my mind started to create something with in it that I didn't know about till now.

A creature I never thought I would have to deal with. It created something mean to toy with me.

By the time I left high school, The creature it created had been slowly growing in strength and power. And furthering its conquest in my mind. It was slowly taking me over and I never even noticed....

That is until my first negative and harsh thought about myself came to me. "I'm ugly." My mind thought. "I hate my face cause it looks so manly and round." My mind made me believe this to be true.

The creature it created was a demon. The demon of Self loathing and Doubt. I have been doubting myself for about 4 an a half years....And I hate it so much.

I am 19....and yet I can't bring myself to believe that someone can love me. I know...this is a silly thing to say. But the demon my mind created had made me believe that I am never going to find anyone to love me (romantically).

The other day, I learned that a close friend of mine was in a relationship. I am happy for her...but at the same time, I makes me resent her and my other friends that are happy in relationships. My best friend has been with her boyfriend since Middle school. That is 7 years.....I have a friend from my child hood that is getting married in November of this year......

The demon that has claimed owner ship of my mind had made me feel left out and alone. Even when I am around the people I love like my family and best friend/ Sister, I still feel alone.

I know. You're going to say, "You'll find someone eventually." or "You're young, and someone will find you eventually."

I have heard it before from others. And even still....I can't bring myself to believe their words.

I have a fear of dying alone...with no children that are going to have grandchildren...and no loving husband...

And that fear haunts me. The demon in my head feeds off that fear everyday.

I feel so broken sometimes. I just feel like giving up on romance and finding love completely.

I know you are going to say, "Don't do that. You have a full life to live. Someone will find you when you least expect it."

But again...I can't bring myself to believe that.

So I keep wearing my invisible mask....to hide my true pain from the people I love....

Something is wrong with my mind. I feel left out and forgotten somehow.

I can't even bring myself to believe it when someone tells me I am Pretty or beautiful. I don't know why. I just don't know.

I just feel...so broken...and I can't pretend anymore."
And this was the picture

So many people came to my aid to try to help. My friends and family were there to give their advice. Even one of my managers at work tried to help because I had told her that I didn't believe someone could love me. I had always thought I would be alone. I had a fear that has been with me since I was in 6th grade. My fear was that I will die alone with no one to remember me. No family, no children, no grand children...no one. That fear is still very real for me. But it is not as big as it used to me. 

Because just when I was about to give up and live a life of sadness and solitude...someone found me. He reached out his hand to me and accepted me with open arms with all my faults. He choose to love the weird person that I am. For once, someone came into my life and made me forget about the demons in my mind. It was like suddenly there was a knight out of no where that came in, clad in white armor that shinned super bright that cleared out the darkness that was trying to take over my mind. He picked me first out of so many. I have never been more happy. He has made me laugh and smile and forget that the demons even exist. And for once in my life, the cage on my guarded heart is broken. The lock has been smashed and the gates opened again. I have never felt like this for anyone in my life and it is so new to me and I don't want it to end. I want to hold on to this new feeling. He lets me be myself and I have never loved anyone as much as I do him. Never have I thought saying the words, "I love you." to some one I actually love would be so nice. It was like he reached out his hand after I said, "I give up! I will never be happy or in love!" to which he responded with, "Hey....don't give up just yet...let me try to make you smile..." and he did. He told me after reading what I had posted on DA about my inner demons that he had felt like that too. 

Never would I have imagined after 4 and 1/2 years of doubting myself and fearing love and hating how I look that I would end up forgetting I thought that in the first place. And I don't ever want to remember that I did. 

I have never been this happy in my life. 

Thank you, my love for accepting me as I am and loving the weirdo that is me. I know we have only been together for about a week but I have never felt this way about anyone....and I love you for loving accepting me. 

Thank you from pulling from the dark place I was in. 

Thank you for fighting the demons that plagued me everyday.

Thank you for showing me that I am stronger than I thought I was. 

Thank you for being there when I was about to give up...

Thank you. 

~Holly

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