" i hope i stay close "

*

⚠️ [ WARNING! ] ⚠️
- voyeurism
- (implied??) smut/rape

***

This time, I'm lying on a musty couch.

My eyes shudder open when the sound of a chuckle meets my ears. It's Brian.

It's been a week since the first time. My entire body aches, and even just the thought of moving leaves me wishing to die. My lower body feels as if it's been done in by a hammer, my mouth feels as if it's been stretched so much that it's ripped, my gut still hurts from the force of Jae's metal-capped knee driving into it despite all the time that's passed. My head has been raised onto the armrest of the couch so that I am positioned to look at the bed standing a few meters away. Jae and Brian are rolling around in the sheets in long sleeves and underwear, pressing kisses to one another's skin teasingly whilst giggling, as if they're lovers in middle grade. My heart softens at the sight.

It seems like a game of foosball by this point, all that's going on. One moment, it's all sharp, jagged edges and pain, the next, it's soft and bubbly and foamy like the feeling of getting a satisfying goal against Dowoon. I'm conflicted, I feel deranged... But at least my mind can be at ease for just this moment. I'd better make use of this serenity while it lasts.

Jae and Brian quit their twisting and turning when Jae locks Brian down onto the bed with his long arms. His brief-clad legs settle around Brian's boxer-covered thighs, and he leans down to give the younger man an eskimo kiss. "Do you love me?"

My breath hitches, and my gut wrenches behind my rumbling stomach, but I keep quiet in hopes that they do not notice that I am awake. The question must have caught them both off guard, as they luckily pay me no mind.

"I do," Brian answers finally, and my heart shudders with a slight pain. They never tell me these kinds of things anymore... "And you, me?"

"No doubt, baby," Jae murmurs. His face nears Brian's, and his lips plant a soft smooch onto Brian's mouth.

They continue to converse a bit in between kisses, in English this time, and I zone out into a memory.

*
Dowoon had always been popular with the female population.

When we were in our first year of upper school, the girls would chase him around every day, craving his attention without much success. He was too shy to allow them to approach him. And he... he leaned in the other direction. The direction I leaned in, too.

Dowoon would subconsciously train his eyes to the front of the classroom from his seat in the back, his eyes on a specific class president who would often come into our classroom between classes to talk to his juniors from the football team. Junhyeok of Class 2B, a year above us. Class president of the classroom next to Sungjin's (Sungjin was class president of 2A).

I was closer to Junhyeok than Dowoon was, so my friend would often ask me to hand off little notes to him. Of course, I would never say whom the notes were from. Junhyeok's eyes would spark with a certain longing, and he would often murmur out, "I wonder if she's in your class," "I wonder if she's small," "I wonder if she's cute or hot," and this would ignite my chest into a scorching mess of pity every time.
*

Brian leans his head up to capture Jae's bottom lip between his teeth. Jae's tongue laps at Brian's upper lip. I watch on, unable to look away. Brian pulls back on Jae's lip. Jae moans into the contact and moves forward to better connect their mouths. My eyes grow heavy with want.

I see Jae's hand reach beneath Brian's shirt to trace over his stomach. I crave to spread my fingers over Brian's tense skin like I used to back when we were a couple. I crave to latch onto Jae's back and scream his name as he passes his hips over mine. I crave them both, individually, together.

*
I sympathized with Dowoon.

Though I didn't have a romantic attraction to anybody back then, I understood just how much it would hurt Dowoonie if he knew what exactly Junhyeok was actually thinking about when he saw the letters.
*

Jae's hand reaches lower to press over Brian's boxers. Their tongues tangle, mouths slick with saliva. Oh, how I miss the times when I would be the one receiving the attention...

*
It was at the end of our second year of upper school that Dowoon finally took a chance. The third years would be leaving that year to go off to university — Junhyeok was a third year. So Dowoon confessed to him on the football field when everyone had left but the captain of the team.

Dowoon came crying to me, that night. My parents and sisters were away. "He's— He's leaving," he had sobbed into my shoulder. "He's moving to another city for university, and I won't ever see him again!!"

I held him close, patted his back soothingly, and stroked his hair. "Dowoonie, did he give you an answer, then?"

Dowoon pulled back and his blotchy eyes sought out mine. "He... Junhyeok-hyung told me it would be too difficult to begin a relationship over a distance like that. He told me... he told me it would be even more difficult for him... since he likes girls..."

I pulled my broken friend back in, then. Allowed him to sob into me, to break down, to grip onto me. He had always been a sensitive boy, and I felt a great need to care for him.

Dowoon's crying died down eventually. He gently pushed away from me, and he looked at me expectantly. I hummed in question. "Wonpirrie-hyung..." He pressed his lips forward to carefully meet mine. I made no response. "Would you please give me tonight?"

My lips pricked in remorse. How could I ever deny my precious Dowoonie anything, even if I knew his true intentions, who he really wanted tonight?.. I nodded. "But... But only tonight, Woonie."
*

Jae whispers something in English over the shell of Brian's ear, and Brian raises his arms above his head. Jae lifts his shirt and removes it, then does the same to himself. They continue to kiss. I blankly watch from my place on the couch.

*
Dowoon's mouth met mine once more, this time a bit more roughly, and I couldn't help thinking about my first kiss with Sungjinnie. The childish innocence was gone this time, replaced with a longing tongue and desperate teeth. I squeezed my eyes shut to block out the conflicting voices arguing in my brain.

Dowoon pulled away, huffing for breath. My eyes slowly drew open. His hands were reaching for my jacket.

"It's cold in here," I told him quietly.

"Oh," he murmured in response. He slipped one side off my shoulder and pressed a kiss to my skin. "I heard that kisses are warmer than jackets, though."

I let him take off my jacket and pepper my skin with bitter kisses.
*

Brian groans, and his hands slide down to rest on the elastic of Jae's briefs. Jae's hands pull back to encompass Brian's, and their fingers tangle together for a second, squeeze gently. Then Jae puts his hands on Brian's boxers and begins to remove them. His mouth steadily stamps perfect sets of teeth into the flesh of Brian's heaving chest. My heart tumbles in my own chest, as if Jae's teeth are engraving themselves into my skin.

*
Dowoon removed my shirt, next. My arms rose unsteadily towards the ceiling as he revealed my stomach to my bedroom wall, and I sifted a nervous sigh from between my clamped lips. He softly kissed my mouth and whispered a small "If it's too cold, tell me, hyung..." I sifted out another sigh. He brought his fingers to my hips with a crescent-shaped trace and kissed my stomach. "Hyung..."

"Dowoonie, I don't know if—"

"Hyuuuuung..." his low voice groaned over the skin dipping into my belly button, and I shuddered. My fingers passed through his hair. He licked at the skin of my middle and kissed it with an open mouth, over and over.

My shoulders grew cold until they stung.
*

Jae brings his mouth back up so that he's kissing Brian's lips once more. They're both panting, and the sweat droplets covering their bodies seem to glimmer under the faint light washing over them from the bedside lamp. My skin tingles from the memory of being kissed like that by each of them back when we were together for real. Brian's boxers lay discarded at his feet, and Jae's briefs are sliding down with Brian's lowering hands.

*
Dowoon's lips moved lower and lower, lapping at my skin, until he reached the button of my jeans. "Dowoonie, I think that's en—"

"Hyung, I..."

He looked up at me. His eyes were glimmering with tears, and his mouth was trembling as if he was biting down on an earthquake.

"Dowoonie—"

"I need this... I need you!"

My lips sealed into a thick line when his pleading eyes filled with more tears. His hands pitifully clutched at mine. "Just... Just tonight..." slipped through my lips before I could get ahold of myself.

Dowoon unclamped the button of my jeans, continuously dropping tears onto my legs.
*

A tear drops onto my chest. It's followed by a horde of others.

Jae's body is as bare as Brian's, now.

I watch and watch, my cheeks thick with tears. My eyes feel irritated from the contact lenses and from the constant abuse I go through, and the tears aren't helping.

Still, I can see Brian kissing Jae and sucking on the corner of his mouth.

I find the strength to raise my leaden arm. My hand passes through my hair, calmingly, so calmingly like when Sungjin does it for me when I'm nervous. Did it for me...

*
Dowoon sat on the bed and pulled me onto his lap. All I had on were my briefs. My legs were covered with goosebumps from the chilly air and my hair was rising. Dowoon traced up and down my thighs with his thick palms. "Hyung..." he passed quietly over the long of my neck, then attached his lips to it. "Hyung... hyung," he whispered as he left marks.

A tear fell down my cheek. My arms hung limply at my sides. "Dowoonie, please..."

He looked up at me once more, his eyes slightly swollen from the tears. His cheeks were damp, and my fingers rose to wipe at them. "Hyung... I... Please..."

He released a choked sob, and I hurriedly pressed a calming kiss to his lips. "I— Woonie, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry—" He cried and cried, and I was left with no choice. "It's just... It's my first."
*

Jae pulls away from Brian, and their eyes open. Brian's head turns away from Jae and he faces the couch. His gaze sharply seeks out mine. My teeth clasp over my lip to hold back the gasp of fear itching to rip from my throat.

He's caught me.

*
Dowoon locked onto my lips with a fervor, kissing passionately, strongly, widely. I barely kept up. This was not what I wanted, but I also didn't want Dowoonie to suffer alone.

His hand stole down to press at my briefs, and his mouth stifled my surprised groan. My hands clasped onto his jacket and gripped onto it with a steely hold.

How could I possibly prevent this? There was nowhere left to go but where Dowoon thought he needed to. I felt his tongue lick up mine and choked back a sob. My mind continuously repeated 'Dowoonie needs this, Dowoonie needs this, Dowoonie needs this' in a desperate spiral. My head spun in denial.
*

Brian pulls Jae towards him and whispers something to him in English. Jae turns to look at me as well. He haltingly stands up, a menacing scowl on his face, and Brian settles up onto his elbows. Jae nears me on light feet, and I gulp back a scream of terror. My heart screams at me to beg with him for a bit of rest, for a simple kiss goodnight. The rational part of me knows that nothing will work now.

They're going to take advantage of me, again. 

*
Dowoon hips pushed upwards to meet mine. My breath hitched in my throat. "Mmn," he moaned into my mouth, and I felt my heart drop.

This was not what I wanted.

Dowoon reached one of his hands into his pants to knead himself. His mouth played with mine more sloppily as his hand movements grew more frantic, and the way his knuckles grazed against my stomach with every motion made my skin burn uncomfortably. I itched to pull his arm away, to push his mouth away... but I loved him as a brother, and I wanted to prove my loyalty as his supportive hyung. So there I was, kissing him, ruffling his collar, crying onto his arm as it rose and fell.
*

I land on the bed roughly, my body splaying out beside Brian's. Brian chuckles onto my skin and presses a thick smooch to my ear. I shiver beneath the contact, my teeth clanging together awkwardly. "Don't be scared, bebe," Brian growls at me. He traces my naked chest comfortingly with his inhumanly-warm fingertips while Jae rifles in the bedside drawer. I ease into the contact with a sigh. Might as well enjoy it while everything is calm... though I remain alert overall.

Jae plops beside me on the bed, his hair fluffily landing atop his forehead. I itch to play with the soft strands, to pull my fingers through them like I used to, but then Jae pushes his palm painfully into the bruised skin of my abdomen and places the side of a knife to my thigh. "Like 'er, baby? She's a new one." The knife glints up at me, razor sharp unlike Jae's voice. But she does draw me in, my attention trained on her. I nod to signal my approval in Jae's choice, to appease him somehow. He hums, seemingly satisfied. "Her name's Haru — day. She likes to play before the sun goes down." I gulp back a yelp when Brian unexpectedly traces my bicep with his tongue. "There's a minute left until the sunset ends. How about you entertain her, baby?"

I stifle a sob and nod.

*
Dowoon's throat buzzed with a low groan, and he pulled away from me with a heaving chest. His bated breath hit me in huge rivulets of sticking warmth. "Hyung... Lemme get yours, too..."

He reached into my briefs and brought me closer. Our two tips connected, and he grasped both in his hand. They rubbed together as he brought his wrist into action.

It felt disgustingly good.

I bit onto my own lip and sniffled with a final wish for it all to end, but it only continued. Dowoon kept speeding up and it seemed neverending, the torture of having to pretend that I wanted it.

He sped up to an almost unworldly pace, and I felt as if I was burning, as if everything but me was covered in ice. My legs began to shake violently, and I released a cry as my head fell heavily onto his shoulder. "J—Junhyeok-hyung!!" I heard, and then a sticky substance spread over my bare thighs and brief-clad hips.

Dowoon's breath was bated. He continued to strongly flick his wrist a few times more until I finally released with a sob, and then his hand fell to his side, dejected.

We cried in one another's arms, that night, the air thick with apologies and regret.
*

The side of the knife traces lightly along my thighs, softly, unlike its edge. The trail of goosebumps the action leaves against my skin unbearably pushes my hips upwards. The knife nicks me, its cool edge pressing into my skin. It's enough to draw blood. I hiss in pain. A drop of crimson stains the sheet.

Jae smiles. "Attaboy..." He licks his lips. "You like it?"

I whimper. He chuckles. It's a vicious cycle, the human struggle for power. And I'm letting these two psychopaths whom I can't help but love take it all from me.

"Sun's down," Brian goes, his phone in his hand. Jae's hollowed cheeks near me, and his mouth meets mine, gentle, gentle, like when he was kissing Brian. I whimper again, this time onto his lips, finally at ease.

This is the contact I've been craving.

"Now that Haru's gone to sleep, why don't you entertain us instead, bebe?"

My blood runs cold when I'm pulled into Brian's lap with Jae positioned in front of us.

*

It's all over.

They've had their fun, and I'm sore from the double exposure and tears that burned into my cheeks and the screams that ripped out of my throat minutes ago. The fatigue brings my eyelids into a severe droop as Jae lays beside me, stroking my hair with his long fingers.

Despite what just happened, I feel at ease in this moment.

Jae tells Brian something in English, and my eyes flutter open to look at what may be going on. Brian has his phone in his hand again, and its light bathes his face in blue. Jae's strokes grow longer and slower — my eyelids droop again as a raspy mewl grinds out of my throat.

I love him.

Brian begins to hum, his low voice melting into a smooth melody drawn over with a sheen of a growl.

I love him.

The sound of a ring interrupts my thoughts and quickly raises my eyelids. I stare wide-eyed at Brian's cellphone, which is lit up with an outgoing call. Who is he calling?

It takes two rings for the recipient to pick up the call. "Who is this?" comes a familiar voice, crackly over the receiving end. My breath hitches just as Jae's finger catches a knot in my hair.

It's Dowoon.

"I'm hanging u—"

"We're taking good care of your friend, here," Brian smoothly speaks into the phone, and I feel a lone tear roll down my cheek. Jae's hand continues its stroking.

It's no longer calming; the motion puts me on edge, instead.

"What?!! Won—Wonpil-hyung??! Are you there??!?!! Answer me!! Sungjin-hyung and I have been looking for you for so long; why the fuck is Brian on the receiver??!!?!"

Brian's low chuckle covers the sounds of frantic shuffling on Dowoon's end of the call before another voice, calmer than Dowoon's frantic one, passes through the speaker. "Kang-bra, hello. You said 'we;' who else is there with you? I want to know that Wonpil's in good hands."

Sungjinnie... He only talks in that tone when he's at work..... or when he's especially nervous.............

"I'm here, as well," Jae drawls out, his fingers ruffling the ends of my bangs. "We're taking... very good care of him, don't you worry."

The line is silent for a couple of seconds before Sungjin's silken voice rustles back through. "Ah... Jae-hyung. May I speak to him for a few?"

"Go ahead," Brian chuckles out.

"Thank you." Sungjin sighs, and I practically feel his fatigue spill out of the speaker on Brian's phone. "Wonpil-ah... I miss you. When are you coming home?"

Jae's hand stills.

"Em..." I gulp, my head blank. Jae traces my neck with his fingernail. "I'm actually... abroad... So I'm not sure..."

Sungjin hums. "Have you been drinking a lot? Your voice sounds different."

Brian growls, but makes no move to end the call. I clear my throat and answer Sungjin. "I just... We just had a party. I'm really tired..." My heart is hammering.

"Are you alone?"

"No, I'm here with hyungs..."

"Are they treating you well? Should I send you some money?"

'I deserve it — I can take the pain so nobody else has to go through it, because I love them, I love them—' I itch to tell him. But, instead, "No, no," I frantically speak as Jae's hand grasps my fringe. "I'm happy here. They're taking care of me. I have everything I need."

Sungjin sighs again. "I— I miss you." His voice is broken, laced with longing. My heart cries out to him.

"I... I miss you, too. Hyung... I love you both, remember that. I love you and Dowoonie, okay?.. And don't forget to return my poetry book, yeah?"

"... Yeah. I know you love that thing," Sungjin breathes out. "Let me know if you ever need anything, okay?"

"I— I will. Good night, hyung."

"Good night... I love y—"

"Shit, I can't trace the call, hyung—" interrupts Dowoon's voice, and Brian ends the call with a chuckle.

"Good boy."