" don't take my pride and joy "

*

⚠️ [ WARNING! ] ⚠️
- hinted smut/rape

***

My head spins dangerously as I come to.

I wake up in a bathtub. The gag is gone from my mouth, but I still have trouble breathing; it's as if my jugular is refusing to rise and fall unlike my contrastingly heaving chest. Flakes of rust fall around my naked frame as I attempt to rise from the tub, my hands shakily gripping onto the grimy porcelain edge.

A curse falls between my bated breaths when my arms give out. I crash painfully back into the bottom of the tub, and the bruises littered along my spine scorch as if cigars are being pressed into my skin. I cry out in pain, and my eyes respond with seemingly never-ending tears.

Where is Jae?

Where is Brian?

Where are they?..

I lie there for god knows how long, contemplating my condition. On one hand, this pain is nearly unbearable. On the other, it's only bearable because of two men whom I can't seem to let go of despite the pain they bring me. It's all a bit too much to handle, but it's just enough for me to maintain at least a sliver of sanity. I heave in another painful breath and sink further into the tub to ease the crick in my neck.

My brain's attempts at logically figuring out what to do next are broken by the sound of the door creaking open. I hear heavy steps falling on the damaged tile — the clinking of metal-lined soles screaming BRIAN — followed by another gait — this one so obviously JAE with its converse-soles — and my chest fills with a flustering flutter just as the room fills with the flutters of countless eyelashes on cheeks.

"How you doin', bebe?" Brian asks, crouching in front of the tub so that we are face to face. My breathing continues to falter, but I give out a broken hum to signal that I am still alive. He nods in satisfaction before turning to Jae. "Did you bring the body wash, babe?"

I gulp back a choke. Jae's silky chuckle meets my ears, and I shudder at its soft texture. "Yeah." Jae kneels down beside Brian, and a meaningful look passes between them, as if they know something that isn't even in my vocabulary. They probably do.

They do, for sure.

Jae finally makes eye contact with me. His lips form into a lazy grin which leaves me craving them, their taste on my mouth, their texture beneath my tongue. Jae shakes me out of my thoughts with a single statement. "Pil-ah— Bathtime."

A memory strides into my brain.

*
Sungjinnie was at my house, singing to me. I was six — he was eight. It was February — no, March. It would have been too warm outside to have been February, way too warm... My eomma was out, my appa was out, my noona was out — I was alone. I never liked being alone. So, of course, Sungjinnie came over when I called him on the cord phone my family owned at the time. He said he hated coming over, but he came anyway.

I really liked Sungjinnie's singing.

He suddenly stopped singing. It was as if somebody had stomped their foot over a record player in the midst of a mellow, crackly waltz. I looked over at him with wide eyes. He stared back at me with even wider eyes. His mouth was set in a straight line. Mine was wobbly, my lip trembling from the loss of soothing sounds. "Bathtime," Sungjinnie finally breathed out. It was evening. The corners of his mouth twitched up into a comforting grin.
*

I shake my head in an effort to rid of the leaden feeling weighing it onto my shoulders. Jae's hands near my torso while Brian's reach for the water spout positioned above my head. Cold water enters my nose, presses down my head, and I yelp, but then Jae is positioning me so I am diagonal, sitting up in the tub with my head stationed beside the running faucet. The water soon turns warm.

I sigh out in satisfaction when the water sloshes soothingly up to my hips. Brian turns off the tap. Jae uses the water at the bottom of the tub to rub body wash into my skin with his smooth palms. His calloused fingers rough around my nipple, circling, and my eyes scrunch shut. I feel Brian's hands join in, pinching at my sides and stroking my stomach. My entire body feels like it's lathered in slime. The intoxicating scent of coriander just barely masks the aggravating stench of blood and entrails which lingers on my skin.

*
Sungjinnie drew a bubble bath. I sat on the lid if the toilet which was stationed beside the tub, knees drawn up to my chin, watching him make sure the water was warm, the bubbles were satisfactory. He turned to me. Told me it was time to undress.

We were kids, then. Small, slim bodies which could fit by the millions in my home's tub. The clothing dropped from me in layers, as if a flower was solemnly losing its petals. Sungjinnie's clothing strew off him like a waterfall cascading into a pool of eternal life. I pretended I hadn't seen. His back was to me, which made it that much simpler. I drew my eyes to the floor when a light splash emitted from the water where his foot had sunk into it. Moments later, he told me I could get in. My cheeks grew pink from the realization that I had chanced a peek without his permission.

I followed after him, settling into the bubbles and warm water. He was stationed at one end of the tub, I — at the opposite. Our knees were drawn up to our chests. "Look, now," I whispered out to him. His eyes rose from out of the bubbles, long lashes extending towards me. We sat and we looked. We looked and looked and said nothing, because all we needed at the time was each other's presence.
*

Jae leans over the tub, nipping at the sensitive skin of my chest. I hiss in dual pain and relief.

He still wants me.

Brian presses his thumbs into the bruises and cuts on my wrists, raising my arms above my head. His teeth make contact with my ear, injuring it, then soothing it with a rough lick.

He still needs me.

Jae moves upwards with kisses and bites — Brian trails down. They draw away to kiss one another, level with my neck. I watch their mouths connect with lowered eyelids.

Do they?

*
The water bubbles swayed around my chest when Sungjinnie passed his hand into the tub to stir the water. His gaze held mine as strictly as ever. I blinked, but maintained contact. "Hyungie," I voiced, quietly, quietly. "How does it feel to get kissed?.."

We held eye contact in silence a while longer before he spoke up. "I dunno."

I waited a few moments. I knew hyungie didn't like touching, didn't like aegyo, skinship. But his eyes were wide and expectant, and his lips were glossed over with an urging tongue. I sidled closer to him in the tub. The water moved around me, fluid and soothing. Sungjinnie looked on quietly. I settled on my knees in front of him, my torso obscured by the bubbles. The gentle scent of rooibos flowers wafted up to my nose. My hands met his plushy cheeks. His head leaned up towards mine, and I looked down at him in curiosity.

The bathroom light glimmered in his endless eyes.

His hands drew away from his knees, slowly, slowly. They rose to gently stroke my hair the way he knew I always liked.

Our noses met. He sighed. "Only one."

I nodded, and he carefully caught my lips with his. He pressed his thin mouth forward onto mine, then moved back.

My lips tingled pleasantly. My thumbs stroked his cheeks, pressed dimples into them, pushed his mouth up to copy my growing grin. His eyes stared at me from beneath his messy bangs, unable to hide the wrinkles signaling a small smile.
*

Jae and Brian finally draw away from each other. "Shampoo?" Jae speaks out.

"Here." Brian reaches behind him and returns with a cylindrical bottle. "Close your eyes, bebe," he tells me.

Maybe he does need me...

Jae lathers the shampoo onto his dripping hands, and I close my eyes. Water passes over my head, entering my nose. I bite back a curse. My head spins in pain and discomfort. Jae whispers for Brian to plug my nose for me. Fingers carefully push onto my nostrils to block out the water streaming down my face and through my hair.

Maybe he does want me...

The water hits the tiled floor behind me where the tub's edge ends with audible splashes. Jae's fingers enter my hair and begin to massage my scalp. I hear a grunt, and the fingers slide out from between my locks. "Lemme go on the other side, Pil-ah..." I hear Brian's hum of approval and the sounds of Jae's footsteps echo around the enclosed area of the bathroom. He wipes the floor — I hear the towel swishing against the tile — and settles down behind me. His fingers pass through my hair and once more begin to clean me. The strong scent of basil wraps around my head like a plastic bag cutting off my breath. Brian presses a kiss to my eyelid.

They do.

My nose is plugged once more and water cascades over my head to wash away the residue shampoo. Jae's long fingers pass repeatedly through my hair to help rinse it. My body pulses at the sensation.

Brian hums to signal that I'm clean. "Open your mouth, bebe," he tells me roughly.

I oblige. My eyes remain locked shut. Jae's fingers curl in, push at the back of my tongue. My eyes water at the pain pressing in, and I focus on holding back my urge to gag.

*
Sungjinnie stared at me, a smile now clearly settled on his lips. He shyly shuffled closer, stroked my hair again, gently, gently, and breathed out, "Maybe... just one more..."
*

Jae's fingers leave my mouth, and they are replaced by his tongue. He hungrily laps at my lips, my teeth, my tongue. All I taste is the bitter trace of blood. My eyes open wide in fear.

*
My lips pressed sweetly to Sungjinnie's, eyes closed, holding our mouths together. His lips left a pleasant smudge on mine.
*

Jae pulls away from me with a hiss of "Pleasure me," and his hands move to unclasp his belt. My pupils shake, and my entire body trembles beneath Brian's roaming hands. The rough fingers leave me and then Brian is moving to unlatch the button on his skinny jeans.

I grow stiff in terror.

*
Sungjinnie's eyes fluttered open as he leaned away from me. "One more," I stammered, not wanting the contact to end, but he just gently stroked my hair and shook his head. His cheeks were burning crimson.

"Save it for another time, Pirrie."
*

Jae takes over my mouth, while Brian raises my hips so my legs are splayed over the edge of the tub. I want to yell out in pain, but my mouth is full and my eyes are shaking with streaming tears. My hands weakly raise to clasp at my hair, to find solace in the smooth tracing of my fingers into my scalp, but everything is too much. My aching arms fall back into the tub pitifully.

But I know I love them, I know they love me.

*
"Save it for when we're older..."
*

The memories of Sungjin are violently thrashed away by Jae and Brian's merciless thrusts.