" there was a time before you,
and there will be a time after you "

*

⚠️ [ WARNING! ] ⚠️
- graphic scenes with grotesque imagery
- gore
- smut

Note:
I'm sorry this is extremely late, I've been losing motivation for a LONG while for everything... I apologize if this leaves you wanting more closure 🙏😔

***

It's been a few days since Jaebeom's intestines were strewn around the room by Jae and Brian.

The trails of my co-worker's lost life and mutilated body litter the floor, slide down the walls -- my nose has grown so used to the stench that I can't smell anything else anymore. My brain itself feels moist, as if one stray knock of a hand against the back of my head will push all of the mushy parts out through the cracks in my scalp, and I'm so so woozy, so much that every small thing is disorienting.

I don't think Jae and Brian love me, anymore...

They were in front of me only minutes ago, whispering lovely words laced in a language foreign to me between themselves whilst gently, gently, as if their skin (to one another) felt as delicate as glass, tracing one another's arms and chests with curious fingers. They'd kissed, too — that probably hurts the most, seeing them kiss each other so openly in front of me while they abandon me after drowning my already-unsettled mind in the murder of my friend. I can no longer tell what I want, what with the emerging knowledge that the pain and the suffering I'm going through don't prevent that of others. Especially those who care about me and those about whom I care.

Jae and Brian are slowly becoming way more than my nightmares and my realities mixed together — instead of the usual bearable torture-love combination, they've been ignoring me for days, a torture technique which I can never get used to because of the feverish loneliness, the growling hunger, and the crippling crumbling of my heart into itself because of the extensive time I'm forced to stay wrapped up in my thoughts and a body trembling from human desires. When they aren't ignoring me, Jae and Brian take advantage of my body. I'm starting to think they only keep me around because of their hesitance to compromise on how to pleasure one another, and this thought leads me to envision what would be going on if I was still beside Dowoon and Sungjin. Dowoon would have tucked me into bed and kissed my forehead instead of throwing me onto the couch and pulling my head back by my hair. He would have held me close and whispered calming children's stories into my ears rather than forcing me to listen to his sweet whispers directed toward others from a distance. Sungjin would have made me tea and sang me poetry. Sent me furtive glances with his sultry, large eyes. All I get here is malnourishment, abuse, trauma...  I've been abandoned, a doll reserved for bloody needles and stomping heels. As Jae and Brian's love for each other blossoms, a beating flower bud spreading beneath a bleeding corpse, my love for them withers like the torn bouquet hanging out from the corpse's gutted-out midsection. Soon enough, the corpse watering the pair with its blood will rot away and the love will be kindled by sweet, cleansing rain. The day Jae and Brian learn to rely on one another fully will be the day I'm discarded for good — and, by the looks of it, this day is creeping up on all three of us faster than originally intended.

My surroundings fizz into focus as my eyes open and adjust to the strange lighting for possibly the millionth time. Jae and Brian are out of the room (as they always are in recent days), and I'm fighting against my hollow stomach. My ribs rattle as I force a breath.

I'm falling.

How easy would it be to simply cave into myself, right now, to halt my breath for just a few minutes enough for it to never come back, for Jae and Brian and me and every other miserable human to be satisfied... Yet the thought itself wracks turbulent shivers throughout my entire body. I'm not strong enough to think about leaving — especially not through such means. I may feel useless, but soon enough, I'll have a purpose again; perhaps this time I will be freed of Jae and Brian's faltering affections... and they will be emancipated from mine.

The sound of the door creaking open, darkness. A bead of sweat icily makes its way down my temple. I hold back a whimper and wish that my hands weren't bound in chains so I could raise them to my ears to shut out the stifling noise. The pungent odor of iron lingers. I once more wish for a release, and my eyes run aimless around the pitch-black space suffocating me.

Then it all fades. I'm alone, the door's closed, the iron is stale (having been around for days)... it's all in my head. I'm in my head, Jae and Brian are torturously in my head — my brain's convulsing with an irregular rhythm drawing itself jaggedly up towards my scalp from my straining heart (my chest's grown way too small for its frantic beating in a last cry for oxygen, for sustenance of my fading life) — so I desperately scream out, screech with a longing fervor I never knew could rip itself out of my frail body. The scream's what's keeping me from surrendering myself as a corpse, it seems, yet my thoughts are driving me to the brink of insanity, they're too fast, too faST, ToO fA sTno Sto. PSt OP—

Suddenly, there's a strange stillness. Much like a wave tugging away at a massacred bird on a seashore, a screen of serenity passes over me.

A faint trail of rooibos smooths over my nostrils and brings with its appeasing odor a seascape of memories poured over in sunshine-shaded honey.

*
"Hey, birthday boy."

I turned to catch the crinkled gaze of the phrase's owner, sunlight rendering my eyes into a squint. Sungjin — all dark, billowing hair and large nose, gorgeous eyes, unrealistically long lashes. He was twenty-one, then. I had just turned twenty.

"Hey," I sifted out into the vastness of the windy sky surrounding us on the hill we were stood on. We were the only ones left here from our group of celebrating peers — everyone else had gone down to the sea, having wanted to witness for themselves the fantastic feat Dowoon had recently learned: the catching of a horseshoe crab with his bare hands (so that he could send it off to a cleaner section of the shallows) — so, though Sungjin's voice came in a hush, the wind carried it far enough to wrap the soothing satoori-seasoned speech around me over and over again. I had always liked his singing, but his talking marveled me no less.

"Why ya all alone up here? Aincha gonna go down to get some attention like ya always like ta do?"

My eyes caressed the ground, then, a shameful red overtaking my cheeks. "No... I don't feel like it, today."

The shore-grasses faintly crunched beneath Sungjin's flip-flop clad feet, and soon his fingers met my hair. He slid a stray lock behind my ear, smiled gently when my eyes rose to meet his once more, a late-blooming flower unfurling at the end of April. "I have my truck with me. Go for a ride with me?"

Oh, how could I ever resist such a tempting offer? I'd always adored road trips, particularly those I shared with Sungjin — plus, this time, the atmosphere seemed slightly different, slightly less plain, less detached than usual. "Please... Let's."

His fingers smoothed through my hair a last time, and then my fingers were bashfully rising to slip between Sungjin's, all until our palms were flesh against each other. Sungjin looked away with a crappily-hidden grin. My heart was strangely calm, my scattered thoughts turned to serene tufts of dreamy cloud — the comfort I had been seeking was mine, now, and it was all thanks to my best friend. I treasured him very, very much. Oh, so much...

I absolutely adored him.

The truck gleamed beneath the sun, starkly clean much like Sungjin himself was. "You wanna change before we go?" Sungjin asked as we neared the red vehicle. I was wearing my lemon-tinted knee-length trunks (though I had always been tentative to showcase my bare shins) and a loose-fitting t-shirt colored a faded rose with a white scripted "baby boy" (or so Sungjin had told me it said — he'd always been better at comprehending English than I was) sewn onto the center in small lettering. I shook my head no. "Ai't then."

He opened the door for me. Held his arm out so our hands could stay clasped while I tripped up into the passenger seat. When I was settled in properly (or at least properly enough), our fingers hesitated in one another's holds, neither of us wanting to let go yet. I was the one to break the contact in the end, reaching for the seatbelt.

We were both seated soon enough, and the engine revved along at its consistent rhythm as Sungjin pulled out of the seaside parking lot. I leaned forward to pick out a cd from inside the glove box. My gaze rested on a cd case colored light yellow, white, brown, hovered over the sleek surface — four smiling faces gazed back at me fondly. This one.

"Oh," Sungjin voiced softly, having caught sight of the CD in my grasp. "2am's 'One Spring Day' album, huh?"

I nodded. "As my last wish for spring to never end." A bitter smile settled on my lips, a feeble attempt at a small self-reassurance that my chaotic thoughts, scattered uncomfortably by the coming of my new age, would soon be righted by the trip, by the music, the wind passing in through the window... Sungjin. At the time, I was highly troubled, as I had finally stepped into the world of true adulthood (having turned twenty and all), but — though I physically felt no different than I had the day before — I was hesitant to face the responsibilities which would soon come my way. Sungjin must have understood exactly how I felt, judging by my memories of his selfless actions that day.

Sungjin's chuckle brought me out of my thoughts, then, just like I'd wanted. "Ya know, growing up isn't so bad a thing. Sure, it may be lonely at times, but you'll learn to balance everything out, eventually. That's really what being an adult is all about — learning to seek a middle ground between every one of your activities and actions and making sure that you don't forget what's important to you, what sustains you. Trust me in this."

"I see..." He drove on, and I settled the CD into the player. The load button glowed a calming emerald. "I'll trust you, then, hyung." As the first song began to crackle thorough the crappy yet nostalgia-inducing speakers, I turned to look at Sungjin, my eyes tracing over the strong features of his side profile which were softened at the edges by the sun's comforting glow. He was so ethereal, I couldn't believe somebody like me could ever sit beside someone of his caliber... "But it's still so difficult to not think about it objectively, how easy it can be to make a misstep and mess up for good..."

"Well, I'll always be there to help you up and to clean it all up for you, yeah?"

Sungjin's faint smile burned through my heart for the duration of the car ride, which was distractingly (in a good, good way) filled with casual chatter between us in hushed tones and the backdrop of music I chose for us to listen to.

We finally arrived where Sungjin had wanted to take me in the early evening.

Sungjin got out of the truck and walked around to my side to open the door for me and help me down. I thanked him quietly. "No need." He walked to the back seats and dug around for something.

We were parked beside a roadside running isolated along a meadow. Flowers streaked the entirety of the fields surrounding us, purples, reds, fragrant yellows... And more, more, more!! I breathed in the scent of the summer-tainted sunlight, the rustling foliage, and the organic earth — my senses tingled pleasantly, so I turned to Sungjin with another thank you.

"What for?" he laughed out, and then he was helping me up into the back of the truck, following after carrying a series of bags he had pulled out from the seat while I made myself comfortable on the wind-chilled pillows and blankets in the open space at the back.

We ate the food Sungjin had packed into the bags and talked some more, shared a few laughs, a few jokes, a few words of advice. When we were done, the bags were neatly discarded at our feet where we lay next to each other, ogling over the nearing sunset. The view was breathtaking. As crimsons melded with violets and peaches, I felt a gaze pressing gently onto me. I turned sideways to face Sungjin and found that he, as I had supposed, was already looking my way.

"W—what is it?.."

"You've grown up so well..." Sungjin traced my cheek with his thumb, smoothing over the skin, and over, and over...

"So have you," I replied in a hush.

"But you... You grew up so, so well..." His thumb gently traced up to the corner of my eye and wiped the tear which was welling up there without my noticing. "Remember my promise?"

"Eh? Which one?.." I leaned into the touch. His fingers caressed my cheek and brushed against the shell of my ear comfortably. "You've made so many, I can't tell which one it is you're talking about."

Sungjin snorted, then, and the sound warmed my insides as if he was planting the sun inside my heart. "Tha only one I haven' kept til now."

I still couldn't quite catch on to what he was saying. Shook my head to signal my confusion.

He sighed. "When we were kids. Yer parents were away, remember? And I sang to ya... and then we drew a bath..."

We'd taken many baths, together, when we were kids, when my parents were away, after he sang to me... I still had no clue. "I— we took many baths together..."

"Wonpil-ah..." Sungjin leaned forward a slight, his eyes deep and pleading and wide as lanterns beside the dimming sunlight. "What's it like to get kissed?"

That's all it took for me to recall. My eyes whipped closed and I blindly surged forward to meet his "Mmph"ing lips with my own. My memory snapped into place, like it had when I first took a turn for the worst with Dowoon that time he was rejected. Sungjin's lips moved against mine carefully, as if I was a porcelain dish he was terribly unwilling to see shatter beneath him. He and I were all grown up, now — both of us were adults, finally, finally — and Sungjinnie hadn't forgotten the only promise to me he never kept.

He was giving me the kiss he'd told me to save for later.

Sungjin's lips tasted of seaweed soup, breath clouded over with a refreshing twinge of aloe mixed with pink lemonade. My tongue curled obligingly into his mouth, a cat rolling herself up into the crease of a plushy couch, and I hummed in appreciation when I felt Sungjin's fingers tremble over to my jawline. His touch traced pentagons into my skin, soothed my nerves; he was so gentle with me, gentle gentle — I wasn't used to the overflowing affection. It had always been about what the other person wanted — a bitemark splayed out on my neck, a blowjob, a casual affair — but now, for the first time, somebody was properly taking care of me. The deafening flutter of beetles' wings cascading through my heart and echoing up to my ears urged me on, quickened my pace, nipped my teeth over Sungjin's cushioned lips.

Suddenly, there came that feeling — the one I got those days despite myself, despite my desperate attempts to hold it down with all my might.

I felt so... empty. As if the kiss wasn't enough, the tongue swirling my mouth from the inside was filled with a different taste than what my body desired -- required, even.

I needed something more, something exclusively centered in sexuality and in the pleasure of a lustful body.

I needed Sungjin inside me.

My body turned on its own; it brought me around like a wind visor swishing the still air atop a lonesome house, and suddenly Sungjin was beneath me, his fingers were gripping my sides in shock, his mouth was exhaling a surprised, indecipherable murmur onto my lips. Our lips disconnected. My fingers frantically made for Sungjin's pale jean-shorts button. "I need you--"

He stopped me halfway with shaking hands. "No, no you don't. Thas not whatcha want, Pi--"

"But it is!!" My voice wrenched itself from my throat in a whine-weathered whimper; why was he making this harder for me?! I already was having enough trouble holding back, and it was as if Sungjin was here to ruin me even more. "And it's what I nee--"

I looked down properly, then, and my words caught dreadfully in my throat. Sungjin's lantern eyes were gleaming with tears. His quivering mouth went for another quiet protest, a hiccuped-out sob. "Oh my sweet, sweet baby boy... I know that's not true..." There was between us a stabilized, constant grip of our hands. But my brain had been wired differently from this, had been built on pleasuring the nether regions of others for at least a year already, not on hearing softened whispers pass over the shell of my ear and being held as if I was the most precious treasure in the world.

I managed to find my voice once more."No, but I do want this, though: want you!!" My hands made to escape the comfort of Sungjin's padded palms, but he held tight with another soft sob. I gritted my teeth, then, rocked my hips forward against his assertively (a gasp passed brokenly out of his throat), though escape from his hold was impossible -- there was no way for me to reach down except with my hips. "Look, we don't even need lube, my spit should be enough..."

"No; today's all about you, sunshine," he passed between his lips with tears sliding down his cheeks, and his fingers gripped my hands oh so gently, and he leaned up and brought me into another round of warm, warm kisses, no tongue, no teeth, only Sungjin and me pressing together carefully. Sungjin's hands subtly untucked from mine to slide up my bare sides beneath my shirt, and we hugged and kissed in the back of Sungjin's truck into the depths of night, my urges forgotten over the course of time.

I woke to the sunrise. The orange rays of the sun crawled quietly from behind the living fields and curled out from between the blades of grass and curves of flower stems. I lay for a few moments, my head resting atop Sungjin's rising and falling chest. My shirt had risen up in the back where my best friend had reached beneath it to trace my back earlier, and the refreshing breeze replacing his fingers' warmth wracked my body into a slight shiver. Sungjin woke with a start, his heavy sleeping breaths making way for a steady string of purs. My cheek tingled where his warm chest vibrated against it. His eyes fluttered open, long lashes curving outwards satisfyingly and the corners of his mouth curling prettily into a smile. He was looking down at me, and the fondness in his gaze wrenched my heart. The orange glow of his features in the light of the sunrise brought me such a strong feeling of ease that I felt as if I was suffocating pleasurably in his eternal kindness towards me; I wasn't used to it, I wasn't used to it all... "Slap me," I ordered him, my eyes glinting up at him pleadingly. "Do it now."

Sungjin's features passed over with a tint of dark navy, as if an immense cloud had passed over the sun just as it made to claw itself out from beneath the horizon line. "No." His words were stiff, commanding. "Nobody should do that to you.

A tear rolled into the folds of his shirt. "I deserve it."

"The one who deserves it is the one who taught you that you're not worthy of your own happiness." Sungjin's eyes glistened in a reflection of the once-more climbing sun. "Baby boys like you deserve to be cared for, not damaged."

My head rose from his chest. I leaned on my arm and looked down at him as he looked up -- his face was smattered with an expression of hope. "What do you mean by that?" I whispered, my eyes fluttering.

He sat up, brought his hands to my hair. His fingers passed between my locks just like I liked. "I'm in love with you, Wonpil, have been for the longest time. I know you don't feel the same, but I just wanted you to know." His lips lilted into a melancholy grin. "I want to care for you so badly... But you're out of my reach. I--" He was crying, again, and I remember that at that moment I felt like puking. Because I so, so badly wanted to love him the same way, but I knew-- I knew, I knew -- oh, god, I knew — he was right. As always, Sungjin knew everything about me before I even brought myself to think about it. "I want the best for you. And what's going on right now... Well, it's so far from the best. You're being used by those you claim your heart belongs to, and I can't stand it."

I hugged him, then, brought his sobbing face into my shoulder and smoothed my fingers through his hair. His arms were looped around me, gripping onto my loose shirt, and I felt as if he was the baby in that moment, not me. "Sungjinnie," I reassured him, "I can take care of myself. Please don't worry too much about me, I'm an adult now, I'll find a way to do things without messing up too much so you don't have to be there for me all the time." I didn't believe that bullshit myself, but I did my best to convince myself that it would all work out somehow, because, GOD, how I knew Sungjin needed my strength at that moment. "I don't want to hurt you; I wouldn't be able to stand that! So please -- if you care for me, let me take care of myself. Alright?"

He pushed me gently away, then, looked in my eyes with his deep pools of brown. His hands rose once more to my hair, and we both stroked each other's heads for a little while--a little while, yes, but a calming while as well. "But..." he finally spoke out. The sun was almost done with its ascent into the sky. "You have to promise me this, okay?" Sungjin pushed my hair away from my forehead so he could leave a trace of his protective lips atop my clammy face. His tears seemed to soak into my skin as he pulled away. "Promise you'll find somebody who's better to you than I am if you can never accept me. Promise... Promise me you'll find someone who'll love you more than I do, who'll take care of you better and who'll keep you safe."

I snuggled into his chest once more and soothed the two of us down so we were lying in the back of the truck like we had been before we woke up. "I... My Sungjinnie, I promise."

Sungjin soon eased back into a light slumber to my quiet singing and palm plaintively patting a slow beat onto his shoulder. His arms were protectively gathering me into his warmth, encompassing me in the safety of him, and the light rumble of Sungjin's breaths drew me into sleep after him not long following the sudden ending of sunrise.
*

And now, I'm back in the room with no escape, the place of my constant nightmares. Still, I can't help thinking of only one thing: the scent of rooibos overlapping warm hands which caress my cheeks and wipe away my tears with gentle thumbs.

What I'm left with physically, on the other hand, is the taste of rusted iron on my lips and the sensation of rope burns on my thighs. The passing of glinting grins stretching over malicious faces, scaling eyes. Roaming hands. Knives. The smell of iron is too sharp, the sounds of dripping liquid far thicker than water drown me. The hostility of Jae and Brian seer my body a burning red alongside thoughts of Sungjin's calming blue. I'm going crazy,I'm going crazyI'm going.absoLUTElyMAD—

I love Sungjin-hyung.

I...

I'm in love with Sungjin.

I've finally accepted him, accepted his feelings for me; there's no longer any need to keep my promise to him and find someone who loves me more than him — whom I love more: it's clear that he's the only one. Jae and Brian have no worth beside him — I no longer crave their affections, as theirs are geared towards one another and mine are geared towards Sungjin. Surely, surely... It can still work out; yeah. Yeah, it'll all be okay. I just— I have to escape.

I must escape.

I want to see him again, hold him again, be held by him again. I need him, I need him!!!

There's a loose chain link, I know. The sharp and thin stud of Jaebeom's tongue piercing lays beside me from when Jae slapped him and drew a knife in a deadly slash across his face. Little by little, I whittle at the chains wrapped around my raw wrists, whimpers caught in the back of my throat, and I watch my hands grow further and further apart as the chains begin to separate. A clang quietly echoes around the room a few minutes later, and my hands are no longer bound together. I stifle a cry of relief. Then, with a pained grunt, I reach down and scuttle my fingers along the floor until they come across the slick metal stud on the floor. I settle myself properly into the chair once more, wait a little for the dizziness wrapping over my brain to ease, and get to work undoing the shackles around my wrists and ankles. The shackles clink what seems like a decade later, grit against the bones of my wrists as they painfully descend to the floor between my quivering feet. My teeth quiver over my bloody lip from where I was biting in to stifle the pained noises I knew were threatening to spill from between my lips.

It's time.

Slowly, slowly, I stand, wobble, grab ahold of the chair to steady myself.

Now.

The door's far enough for me to fall as I hobble towards it. The thud resounds around the room, together with my breathy whimper and bated breaths, but I only force myself to slide my body painstakingly closer and closer to my wooden obstruction from freedom — I still can't walk, much less run. I finally press my ear to the door, listen for any traces of footsteps, murmurs, anything which may signal that Jae and Brian have returned. Nothing.

My heart thuds an unsteady rhythm of excitement. Maybe this will actually work— there's still hope... I'm coming to you, Sungjinnie... I'm going to leave this wretched place and I'll find you! My hand reaches upwards, reaching, reaching in tremors for the knob, and the latch clicks out of place when I turn it. The door opens, as if mercy is wafting into the room from the empty keyhole.

I can feel the blood seeping from me as I slide along the floor, yet I hold a steady grip on the walls surrounding me and listen as my heavy, rasped breathing echoes like a cave into me. The shadows seem to be swallowing me in the pure darkness; I scramble into a painful crawl as the panic sets in, foreboding atmosphere licking me into a fit of sweats and gasps.

Suddenly, I thud sideways against the wall. There's a small light coming in from the front. No, nonononONoNONo—

I somehow manage to scramble away from it into an unceremonious sprint in the opposite direction — or, not much of a sprint, so to say, more like the fastest motion of my lower limbs I can manage in my wrecked state — but a few steps in, I crash into what can only be Brian's chest (I would know) and thud backwards onto the floor. My skull suffers some level of damage from the concrete floor, as the deafening craCK resounding in my eardrums tells me, and I know I'm done for. Brian grabs my seering wrist and trains his phone light on me. His expression of rage sneers at me in the sharp exposure. I'm done for... but I still must fight. I must do something, step up for once for what I love.

"Get... GET AWAY!!" My arms creak at me in protest as I attempt to push Brian away, but he only grabs onto my wrists and presses an excruciating pain into my sensitive, fleshy skin. A scream grits out of my throat. It's over, but I keep protesting. "I s-sai-said.... Ge-et awa-ay!!!"

"Not now, baby." Jae approaches from behind, wraps his arm around my neck. "We still have one use for you... Right, BriBri?"

The sound of the nickname so casually rolling off of Jae's tongue doesn't bother me as it would have before my sudden revelation that NO, I don't love Jae and Brian like I used to — instead, it's his words that storm my head and drive my thoughts into a fearful frenzy. Does... Does this mean they're going to dispose of me for good?!

"N-no!! Plea-se... Please!! I beg, I beg Ibeg, STOP IT!! I— I won't tell anyone, I won'tIwon't I promiseI-IpromiSe PleASeplEaSE—"

Brian cuts off my whimpers with his hand over my mouth while Jae's arm tightens around my neck. Tears stream down my eyes. I can barely see anything, I feel as if I'm growing blinder by the second, my checkered sight only wishing to catch hold of Sungjin at least one more time.

"You've been terribly bad, lately," Brian hisses into my ear, and then I'm being dragged by him and Jae to god knows where. God... God, help me, God save me, is all I can think, then Sung-Sungjinnie, please... Please, oh God please, save me—

I'm crashing into the usual couch, now, its coarse material is sticking into my sides and rubbing my wrists even more raw than they have been for a good while. "If you even try to escape," Brian sneers at me from above, "I will find Sungjin... and I'll kill him."

Jae has Haru in his grasp, he's sliding her beneath my shirt, tapping at my chest. "Yep~ Haru will lick him... right—" he presses in enough to nick the skin stretching over the area right below my heart, and I scream out in pain, because it hurts, fuC— "here." Jae grins down at me and continues to press in just enough to draw blood, though he keeps the knife's edge from truly sliding beneath my skin. "So you'd best stay still, yeah? Otherwise... she'll lick his fragile heart out... right after she carves out yours."

Jae pulls Haru back towards himself with a smirk, sets her on the table with my blood pooling around her silvery form. He's brushing off his hands, now, pulling the chuckling Brian in for a smooth drag of their lips, and then Brian turns to me with an almost indifferent glare. "You're only around right now because Jae-baby here has a thing for exhibitionism. So sit tight, mm?"

I can barely focus on what he's saying and doing, my thoughts are that full of the dreadful things he promised just now... I can't let Sungjin face any more trouble than he may be in right now. If I stay still... I can buy him enough time to save himself, to come up with a good plan to get out of this entire situation I got myself and him into, not to mention Dowoonie... oh GOD, what have I fucking done...

My mind sobs for me — I'd rather be out there looking for Sungjinnie so that I can at least warn him of the danger he's in than watching Jae and Brian put on their show of affections, all for Jae's pleasure — but all I can do is lie there in this excruciating pain I'm in and stare ahead at the couple who are about to get intimate in front of me.

I hate it all.

The way Jae presses his long, slender fingers into Brian's neck, creating divots there as the two of them press their openly smiling lips to one another's before sucking on each other's mouths with breathy moans. The way Brian lies Jae down on the bed and moves his hands to undo the buttons of Jae's shirt and then his own. It's all a raw scar that's being torn back open right before my eyes, and it all hurts so damn much, as if the wound's getting flooded with acid as well. My eyes refuse to close despite my deepest wishes for my eyelids to draw shut, however.

I watch on with slightly bleary vision as Brian stamps his teeth onto Jae's long, wanton neck, listen begrudgingly as Jae releases the most lustful sound I have ever caught press itself out of his body. The groan sends my heart into a deadly plummet as dreadful as a wilted rose. The corpse from before comes to mind once more —my corpse — hanging over Jae and Brian's burning flower of passion, of love; my dreaded body is about to be pushed out of the way by their lust's towering stem which seeks direct sunlight and the sweet taste of rain. I'll turn over, rotted, lifeless, to make way for the flower; I'll drop to the ground, as still as a stick, quiet as a teardrop, so that I can allow for the blossoming love of my two forgotten lovers. And Sungjin... oh, Sungjinnie, the gravecarer, will have to bury what is left of me beneath the soil of his rooibos flower garden. "Bury me with my poetry, Sungjinnie," I beg him in a whisper. The whisper is meant only for his ears, so my lips ring silent despite their pained motion. "Bury me, but don't forget."

Brian's licking over the parts of Jae that he marked, now, tracing his tongue gently over and around the wounds, urged onwards by Jae's sighs of contentment paired with the brunette's fingers tangling into his hair. He's carefully sliding his shirt off as he laps and smooches, and Jae's growing impatient, I can tell from the way hyung's hands are beginning to fidget and grip onto Brian's naked shoulderblades. "Faster," Jae urges. "I want you to see me, everyone to see us..."

Brian seems to hitch his breath, his fingers come alight in a desperate chase after Jae's clothing, and he swiftly, swiftly gets rid of the cloth obstructing him from Jae's slender body. They kiss, they kiss so passionately and in such an unrestrained way, their tongues are quicker than when they kissed me, more rounded and smooth and LONGING than when they used sharp words to threaten me; I guess there's just no way around this: my eyelids won't drop to my cheeks despite the hollow feeling in my chest which is causing me to feel nauseous, as if I'll vomit any second. But with the meager amount of food I've been fed in recent days, I'd probably end up dry heaving, anyway... Maybe then I could just choke and die so that I can get out of this situation-- wait, no, no-- there's still a chance that I will be able to survive this. I must believe, I must persist! Yes!; I will get through this, I'm being tested by God, Jae would always tell me about how things happen for a reason, how they turn out the way they do because that's how it's been all written out for us, and remember how you'd always think of it as God writing out (neatly, neatly, on a piece of pretty, lilac-covered cardstock paper splattered with blood and tears) poetry about every person and thing and situation, Wonpil-ah? You remember that, right? Remember how you cried to Sungjin about that after your work didn't go the way it had to and how he sang you poetry and held you as you bawled your face off? Now don't you even dare forget. Even if Jae and Brian are whispering pretty English into each other's ears, even if they're giggling about something amidst their heated tongue-fest.... you, you still have some probability of escaping this sickening scenario, Wonpil! Even though your legs aren't working and you're shaking so much that you think you might pass out sooner than later, there's still a chance-- keep fighting! For Dowoonie... For Sungjinnie!! Yeah, it's not over yet!

Perhaps it's a good thing that my eyes aren't closing, after all -- this way, I'll be able to tell if any opportunities arise for me to escape in a way that won't place my Sungjinnie in immediate danger...

Jae laps at Brian's collar bone. Brian takes to the latch of Jae's belt. Clothing is scrapped, more and more heated kisses are shared, hands tracing bodies sensually, daringly close to the nethers, then Jae hisses something in English with slight hesitation.

C-could it really be...

Brian lets out a mewl of confirmation, sets a gentle kiss on Jae's eyelid. And now his mouth is tracing Jae's body downwards, Jae's hands in those black strands of hair. Brian reaches Jae's navel and stops. Looks up for confirmation. With a nod from Jae, he proceeds to lap at Jae's bottom, to cause Jae's pale-as-marble toes to curl up in sensational bliss. Round and round Brian's tongue swirls, then in, in out in out, and the squelches overpowered by Jae's tremulous moans and Brian's approving hums wrack my body in feverish disgust.

A line from Kim Hyesoon's poetry comes to mind -- "You heard a familiar voice: Let's go, let's go to the unknown place, deepest place, bottom of the bottom" -- and I know now that this situation is nerve-wracking for Jae; he wants me around as an excuse for someone else to suffer along with him during his first time, his first time pleasing Brian in my place. And that's the thing that most makes me sick about all of this: that even the steely Park Jaehyung can be tied up in his own blindfold of fear. The disgust coursing through my system almost brings a laugh to my lips--I manage to hold it back before it swallows my chances of survival. I may be twisted, immoral even, but I can hold myself back a little bit longer. My eyes are still open, at the least. I can take Brian's quivering hands prying loose the cover of a lube bottle, spreading familiar liquid onto his fidgeting fingers while Jae nervously tugs at those strands of black hair decorating the very back of Brian's neck. I can watch Jae's eyelids lower when he hisses out in pain, when Brian presses a knuckle inside, a full digit, draws back. I can listen to Jae's labored breathing and whimpers and to Brian's quiet reassurances and pitying smooches to Jae's inner thighs. Brian's moving slowly, leaving enough time for Jae to choose to either back out or learn to adjust -- I'd honestly be jealous if not for the dizzying nausea overtaking my mind and the hunger and pain eating away at my insides. Jae has other things to worry about on the topic of "insides" as he's giving Brian the ok to squeeze in another finger. I blink fuzzily. My eyes open to reveal Jae gasping as Brian shimmies in a third finger. The redness of the lines adorning Brian's back spreads over to me; I feel a sticky, thick fluid coarse out of my nose.

I don't think I can stay conscious much longer.

My eyes begin to droop. Again, Brian's whispering in English, passing lips over Jae's wistfully, covering Jae's stretched out neck in saliva as the brunette gasps and writhes beneath him. Brian's all the way in, now, he's pushing Jae all the way open, mouth and all. Jae's palms are spread feverishly over Brian's moistened back and Brian's shoulderblades suffer more and more damage by the second. "Oh—OH—" And Jae's plummeting, and I can't look anymore, because Brian's moving faster and faster with every grunt, speeding up as if he's the motor in his car which always took a little while to start back up after our lengthy kisses. My eyes swivel to the door, dizzy, I gulp back a nauseous yelp, I curl my toes at the less than satisfactory sounds of Jae's lewd screams and Brian's stark grunts and growls and his raspy whispers of reassurance. Then, my breath hitches for another reason.

There, at the door... My eyes begin to droop as I breath out a last, "You're here~..."

There comes a hollow sound of two shots barely half a second apart, and then the world fades from me dreadfully.