Colin

I couldn't have gotten out of there any faster. As the elevator doors closed behind me, I hoped my shame would be hidden as well. Instead, I found myself reflected in the mirrors. My image seeming to go on forever. Taking my fist, I punched at the face staring back at me. Other than bruised knuckles, the reflection didn't change.

I left the building and stood awkwardly trying to decide what to do. I was too worked up to go back to the office. The last thing I wanted was my co-workers gawking at me as I stormed in. But what else was there? I had been cooped up in my apartment enough and would only depress me more.

I began to walk with no destination in mind, the sun beating down on me. In my long sleeves and vest, the sweat began to build up under my arms but I didn't care. I put my glasses in my vest pocket when drips of perspiration started to bead on the lenses.

How could I have been so stupid? What outcome was I expecting running off to Alicia? I had hurt her in the worst possible way. And all to save my company. Well I had my company, but no Alicia.

Spotting a park, I made my way towards it, the heat becoming unbearable. The shade of the trees beckoned to me. What I would give for a bottle of water right now.

The coolness of the park alleviated some of my discomfort but not the turmoil in my head. Of course Alicia wouldn't want a relationship with me. I wasn't a Christian for one. The word made me snort out loud in derision. How anyone could subject themselves to a god that only cared about bringing himself glory was beyond me. I tried and look where it got me.

My phone began to ring in my pocket and I scowled at the sound. The last thing I needed was work bothering me. Taking it out, I go to silence it when I see that it's my mom and not work. Why is it that when I try to get farther away from God, He seems to keep getting thrown back in my face?

I wanted to hang up, Mom would only agree with Alicia and spout some Bible nonsense. Yet, the thought of being able to talk to someone made me pause. My sphere of friends was pathetically nonexistent. The price of starting a company from the ground up. I hit answer before I could change my mind.

"Hi Mom."

"Colin," she said, almost in a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry for bothering you at work, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Are you okay?"

Was I okay? Not really but I didn't want to explain the whole situation right now. But there was something I wanted to know. "Mom, when Dad left, why did you still believe in God?" The call went so quiet I had to check that we were still connected.

"Colin honey, I had waited a long time for you to ask me that."

"Really?" I would have thought Mom wanted to avoid the topic of dad. Too painful.

"Yes. I was afraid if I brought it up, it would only push you farther away. I knew I had to wait till you were ready."

Deep down I knew she was right. I avoided the topic of Dad like a plague. What kind of man abandoned his wife and only son? It was a question I wanted answered but also afraid to hear the answer. What if the reason he left was because of me? That I wasn't a good enough son? I didn't think I could've handled that.

"Go on," I said.

"I was deeply hurt when your dad left Colin. I wasn't as calm as I am now about it now. In fact, I was very angry."

It was hard to imagine my mom angry. She always appeared so sweet and gentle. "What did you do?"

She laughed. "I rallied at God for a bit. Wondered why it happened to me when I was a good 'Christian'. Going to church every Sunday and all that."

"I don't remember you angry at all during that time," I admitted. "Just sad."

"I tried to hide as much as I could for your sake. You had been through enough."

"But didn't you blame God for it?" Mom was a devoted follower, always had been. I however, had never made the commitment, and I was still angry at this "loving" God.

"I may have," Mom admitted. "But I learned something Colin. Although this terrible thing had happened, God was still there for me. He still loved me. I saw His provision for you and I. Looking back, I don't know how I would have gotten through it if I didn't have my faith."

I trudged through the path, my feet stomping a little too harshly. The answer always sounded the same. God loves us, He is still good. But how can that be when there is so much evil and hurt in this world? I wasn't buying it.

"I don't know Mom. It all sounds like a crutch to me."

"Colin," my mom went serious. "If you had broken both your legs, wouldn't you be thankful for even one crutch?"

The question took me off guard."Uh, I guess?"

"We are broken Colin. Our world is broken. So if God is offering a crutch, then take it. We need all the help we can get."

I couldn't help but smile at her analogy. "I'm not sure I'm convinced, but thank you all the same."

"Can I ask what brought this on all of a sudden?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if you already had an idea, with that crazy mother's intuition."

"What you call intuition, I call the Holy Spirit. And it's saying Alicia."

"I told her I wanted to be with her. And she turned me down. She said because I didn't share her faith."

"Now this all makes sense."

I barked out a dark laugh. "I feel like she has been leading me on this whole time, and when I finally confess my feelings for her, she turns me down flat." It felt good to say it out loud to someone, to vent my frustrations.

"Sounds to me like she's conflicted. That she returns your feelings but can't act on them."

I scoffed. "You almost took the words right out of her mouth."

Mom chuckled. "I appreciate her wisdom. God is working Colin, you just can't see it right now. Not until you've surrendered and forgiven for all the hurt that's been done to you."

"Why should I be the one to forgive?" I shouted, causing people who were walking by to turn their heads, but I no longer cared. "I was the one who was hurt Mom."

She sighed, like I was the one being unreasonable. "You can't control the people who hurt you. But you have the power to get rid of the hurt. All you have to do is let go."

Mom made it sound so simple. Too simple. Just let it go and pretend it never happened.

"The freedom I felt when I forgave your father Colin was indescribable. You can have that as well."

I wasn't so sure. Though it seemed like I was getting the same lecture twice. Didn't Alicia basically say the same thing? "I don't know Mom," I said, scuffing my shoe in the dirt. "It all sounds wishy-washy to me. How can someone just let something like that go? Maybe you can with Dad, but I don't think I could."

"You can't do it on your honey. And that's the wonderful thing, you don't have to. With God's all things are possible."

A part of me wanted to believe it. I really small part. "I'll think about it Mom."

"That's all I ask honey. Oh, and when you see Alicia again, tell her I said hello."

+++

Alicia

After Colin had gone, my mind was left reeling. I still couldn't get over the fact that he had known all along that I was innocent. I sat back at my desk, my legs no longer able to hold me. The envelope Colin left laid on the desk, glaring at me.

I wanted badly to just tear it up. It seemed tainted to me. On the other hand, it was money I had earned and worked hard for. Picking it up, I opened up to reveal a check with the CyberSecure logo in bold black letters. The amount looked to be just right for one month's work. I gave Colin credit, he knew me well. If he had paid for three months I would have thrown it back in his face.

My lips curled up, playing the words of Colin declaring his feelings. That must have been hard, for Colin to put himself out there, risking his heart that might get hurt again. At least he had made some progress but he still had a ways to go.

Dropping the check, I massaged my temples. The gumption I had for my work was gone. And I was supposed to go to the church for a worship night that evening. I still hadn't run into Liam since that awful night at the pizza place. I was preparing myself to apologize but I didn't think my heart could handle two emotional encounters.

Resigned, I turned off my computer and packed up for the day. It was obvious I wasn't going to get anything more done. With my contract still secured with Gadget Guys, that would greatly boost my revenue for this quarter. Before I left, I couldn't help but text Dad the good news.

The apartment was blissfully empty. I was still on the fence about the worship night. I wasn't feeling up for putting on a face like everything was hunky dory. When it most certainly was not. I changed out of my work clothes and into my coveted pink sweats and baggy sweatshirt. It didn't matter if it was thirty degrees or more outside, I needed my comfy mode.

Stealing some of Cameron's beloved Ben and Jerry's ice cream, I settled on the couch with my Bible. I turned to Psalms because what better book then to read about David's lamenting at the trouble that surrounded him. Granted, his troubles were slightly more intense then mine, but the premise was the same.

My Bible fell open to Psalm 40 and I began to read. It was like the words were speaking directly to me.

He put a new song in my mouth,

A hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and they will trust in the Lord.

How I longed for that to be Colin. Cameron too. For them to put their trust in the Lord. I knew then that I needed to go and worship. Staying home and sulking at the injustices of the world would only prove to them that God was not real and not working in my life. Well I would show them that was not the case. And I would start with a hymn of praise to my God.