Dan Howell

"I have never experienced this before!" I yell, my hands pushing harshly against his naked chest and he furrows his eyebrows at me, his lips parted. He just stares at me in confusion, and I can feel the temperature rise in the room as my breathing gets heavy.

"What?" His voice is soft, as he looks at me expectantly. Fuck. No, no I can't do this. I can't possibly like him right? After a few days of spending time, it is not possible for me to like him, right? Right.

"Nothing," I dismiss him, turning away and picking my shirt off the floor, sliding it back on. I can't let him do this to me. I need to stay away from Phil Lester, I can't let him get under my skin more than he already has.

"Dan just talk to me okay?" His hand grips my shoulder and I let out a deep breath turning to face him. His eyes are bright and cheeks are flushed and my stomach is churning just from looking at his face.

"There is nothing to talk about Phil," I reason, shaking his grip off me and watch as his features harden once again.

"Why? I need answers Dan! Why do you keep doing this then?" This time he is the one to push me back, his hands hitting my chest with a force that causes me to stumble backwards.

"Doing what?"

"This!" He waves his hands between us. "What is this?" He demands an answer, and for the second time I have nothing to say.

"I-I don't know," I stutter, looking away from his vibrant gaze and running a hand through my hair.

"You never know do you?" His voice is annoyed and angry and his breathing is heavy. When I look at him, his eyes are glossy and lips are in a tight line and if he starts crying again I have no idea what I would do.

"I," I don't have an answer and Phil just stares at me blankly.

"Why do you keep doing this? If you don't want anything to do with me, just stay away," Phil states calmly, and it annoys me. He is blaming it all on me, like it's all my fault but he doesn't realise that he plays a role in this as well.

"Why do you always blame it on me?" I yell at him and he looks at me with his eyebrows drawn together.

"Blame it on you? It is your fault Dan! Why can't you just let me be? It is only so many times we can have this conversation right? Just tell me what the hell do you want?" His voice is raising along with the tension in the room and the air is thick as I struggle to speak.

"I want you, dammit!" Silence follows my words and Phil just stands there, lips parted once again, but no words coming out.

"What?" He chokes out.

"You just don't get it do you? I can't bend down on one knee for you, and I can't tell you that I love you but there is one thing I can tell you and that is that I want you. More than I have wanted anyone in my life,"

"I can't just fall in love with you and we can't create a fairytale alright? We're eighteen for fuck's sake! What do you expect me to do? Lean down on one knee and propose to you?" My tone is mocking, and I know the only way to dismiss this conversation is to make Phil realise that I am a complete ass and if he is thinking about having any sort of future with me, that's not possible. I don't even believe in relationships, so Phil Lester is not an exception.

"You know what? You're right," Phil laughs and it's not out of humour, rubbing his eyes and running his hand through his messy hair.

"What?"

"You're right, I'll stay away from you," Fuck. I can feel my heart literally contract in my chest and my stomach twisting into a knot. Do I really want him to stay away from me? Probably not. But do I want to be the part of the drama that follows along with spending time with him? Probably not.

When I don't say anything, he just puts his shirt back on, fixing his hair and looking at me one last time before making his way to the door.

"Phil wait!" I call after him and he just looks at me, raising his eyebrows slightly.

"How are you getting home?" I scratch the back of my neck and he just shrugs, eyes wandering everywhere in the room but me.

"I don't know I'll manage," He states simply and begins walking out again, but that is not good enough of an answer.

"Do you want me to take you home?" I interrupt his actions again and he sighs, shaking his head.

"No,"

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okay so i will update this but the updates might be slow?? juSt bare with mE