In The End: by OmegaMegaLow

Remember that these are just my opinions, and feel free to argue with or agree with me on any points I make.

Alright, just being honest here, but I've never read Harry Potter or it's fanfiction a day in my life. I've watched the movies, but I know basically nothing of HP. So, uh, take this review however you will.

Since there is only one chapter, which means not that much to go off of, it does start off pretty strong. Most of the grammar and spacing is good. But you did mix up past and present tense in some spots. For instance, 'A red haired, green eyed beauty walked............says' and that says should be said. If this is all happening from third person, that usually is past tense.

If you are going to do dialogue in the middle of a paragraph, make sure to add a comma or period right after the last word before the start of said dialogue. For example, 'in the hall while yelling, "Whatever he said right here."

I don't think you also have to describe hair that much. Again, not in the HP fandom, but I'm guessing most of the fans know how these characters look. That can probably be toned down.

Other than that, I got nothing. It's a pretty interesting way to tell a story, from the eyes of the dead. Since I've never read HP fanfic, I'm unsure as to whether this is a new way to tell the story or not, but since it's new to me, I like it.

Summary

Pros:

Good grammar and spacing

Strong introduction

Different perspective of story telling

Cons:

The past tense, present tense mix up

The dialogue thing in the middle of the paragraphs

The whole hair descriptions

So, uh, yeah. Good start to your story. I can't really say that much more, because I'm not a HP fan. Again, take this review how you will.