I don't want to fathom the thought of you and her, after a date, hanging out in your room. The bedroom doors closed, her legs around your waist, your hearts beating at the same pace. Dilated pupils as a sign of attraction and primitive desires, flushed cheeks highlighted under your multicolored wall lights. The way her dark lipstick has smeared across your stubbled chin and her once pristine black ponytail has fallen from grace. Your hands running through her hair over and over grasping for a fulfillment to this hunger you both share. Your round glasses sitting on the nightstand because they're just an inhibiter of kissing her face. Her perfume scent being unconsciously locked away in your memory, and lingering on your shirt.

I bite my tongue at the idea that she is building relationships with your friends where they can develop preferences for their favorite girlfriend you've had. How if she leaves you and you start dating another, they'll never stop reminding you that she doesn't compare. I stop listening to my voice repeating that your mother already knows her name and you've shown your sister countless photos of her face.

I don't want to think about the fingerprints she will leave on your skin that no amount of soap can wash off and how you'll always remember the way she tastes no matter how many times you rinse your mouth with mint. I'm tormented by the idea of her naked body cradled against yours and how that skin she touched will be the one you wear for years to come. I'm crushed by the realization that I may end up touching the traces of her ghost that you are incapable of shedding before the seven year cell replacement time. I can't focus because I am distracted by the possibility of how you could forever remember how she looked between your arms in your bed. How she was the last thing you'd see before you closed your eyes and she returned in your dreams...night after night after night. All makeup free and raw beauty, in her vulnerability, you'd love her infinitely more.

How do I break the infinite loop of forever she has created? She will always be a comparison to the next who takes her place. You will see her in the indention in the occupied space of where her spine once lay. I'm trying not to imagine how attached your dog will be to her.

I'm trying to repress the idea of you falling in love with her and never being able to come back from that.