Trials to Tomorrow by Saphire_2712

OVERVIEW

TO THE POINT: Clichéd premise, fair execution, had me wanting more, but still didn't have any WOW factor. 

MORE DETAILED: Trials to Tomorrow is about a girl who gets chosen to participate in something called The Trials. The eligible firstborn 15-year-olds of the world are invited to this mysterious worldwide examination, including the main character Felicia. 

When I was first reading the blurb (which was a great description, mind) I immediately thought—this seems pretty cliched. 

And I was well within reason. 

Be it the Trials or The Games or The Contests or the Death Playouts or the Beta Test or The Tournament, they all remind me of the Hunger Games, or even more, Battle Royale, which it is said the Hunger Games bears a striking similarity to. 

Of course not as gruesome or graphic, at least from the first 3 chapters I've read (I read the prologue too but it was not counted) but with the idea of children being chosen to fight to the death, to participate in a game or some other variation as the constant variable.

However, while I'm still convinced that this hasn't as much originality for the plot premise, what I read upon opening the book was slightly different—if just slightly. I can appreciate and award the author for the execution. I found the novel interesting, if only a bit bland.

Speaking completely frankly, the book is just regular. Ordinary. It's not boring—I can assure you—but it didn't have me at the edge of my seat either. Below is where I elaborate.

FULL REVIEW

I review with the following criteria.

COVER:

STORY CONCEPT:

GRAMMAR:

CHARACTERS AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

WRITING STYLE:

PACING/ORGANISATION:

IF IT WAS ENJOYABLE!

for a final score out of 35.

After I time sit by a 100 and give it an overall rating.

COVER: 3/5 

The cover could use more work. If I saw it while scrolling in the fantasy section, I'd maybe give it a glance before checking others out. If I didn't see any better ones, then I'd open this book. Still, it could use work. Again, I can't stress it enough and I'll repeat it as much as I have to: Canva is a great tool for this. I'm not being paid to promote it or anything—I'm just someone who's as handicapped as making covers as my grandmother, and Canva has helped me to pull off some really nice designs. Some of the covers on my profile were made with Canva.

STORY CONCEPT: 3/5

Again, the story concept is one I've seen before. I haven't much to elaborate on at this point since there's not much you can do about the foundation of your story—you've already chosen it. All I can advise you to do is to make it yours with changed and differences about what you have inside it. Something that I do. When you're mapping your story, and you think of the next course of action or where it'll go, do the complete opposite of it. 

Always think of ways to surprise your readers.

GRAMMAR: 5/5

I didn't find any great grammar violations. No comments here.

CHARACTERS AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: 2.5/5

The main character seems very logical and headstrong so far. I've seen her type before though so nothing about her really blew me away that much. I liked the father, even though he only had one line. Because he said something I didn't expect. I recall making a comment about that on your story too, Saphire_2721.

I liked that you introduced a Death character, I have a special affinity for such characters, but here I want to introduce the concept of pulling your punches. Hold back on the deep, great lines. For example, I would have preferred if I didn't even know the strange man as death. 

I would have found it more interesting if you gave subtle context clues such as he was dressed in all black, with a slim build. When you passed him he smelt like rotting. Or something to hint that he;s death, even in his mannerisms or his eyes (you could say they were inky pools of obsidian, they reflected tormented souls, they looked as if they'd seen all the death of the world) anything really. 

And then later say that he's Death. It would be even better if another character called him Death instead of Death himself.

Just some suggestions. 

And as for the other characters who entered the bus that we were introduced to—they seemed diverse, enough. While reading this and thinking of how I could change it, I recalled that the blurb said it was a worldwide competition, the Trials. 

For starters, who says the bus has to be travelling in the same country anyway?

What about this: As the ride went on, more people boarded the bus. Suddenly Death was speaking a foreign language, it sounded romantic—maybe Italian or French?—and the person he was talking to looked short and European. Then as he took a seat, there was another stop. Again, Death spoke in another language, one I couldn't even decipher or guess at this time. The girl had caramel skin and blonde hair. She even looked at the bus and the lights with fascination, as if she'd never seen them. Her grass skirt wasn't modest, and her white top a bit revealing. As she sat down Death handed her a bag of clothes and murmured some words in her ear. She disappeared behind the seats soon after.

Something like this. Show even more diversity than Caucasian children boarding a bus. Show different races, not only different personalities. If it's fantasy, what's stopping the bus from being able to warp and teleport to different countries?

It's well within the "bounds" of fantasy.

Don't limit your thoughts. Literally, everything and anything is possible. Stop playing by the mortal rules.

Then there's the fact that you didn't really make much sense either. When she was confronted by the drunkard, it didn't add up. While one can argue that because he's a drunkard he just wanted to pick a fight with anyone he saw or do bad things, it still seemed half-assed to me, an explanation like that. If the MC had angered him in some way since he's a ticking time bomb, I would understand. And unless he was provoked by The Trials to go all aggro on her, It doesn't add up why he'd suddenly attack her out of the blue. 

It unsettled me just a little bit. I think you should find a different preliminary exam for her, Saphire_2721.

I won't rate character development as it would be premature. Characters get a 2.5/5.

WRITING STYLE: 3/5

Again, nothing struck me about the writing style. While there is more telling than showing, which you should address, I feel as though there could be more heavy descriptions and exposition. 

So once again, while it wasn't bad, it wasn't very awe-inspiring either.

PACING/ORGANISATION: 4/5

The pacing was fine. At times it felt as if it were going too fast. But it wasn't completely bonkers that it threw the story off. Just a slight tweak could be made—maybe it could be fixed by making chapters longer with fewer breaks in them which you denoted by the ~*~.

IF IT WAS ENJOYABLE: 4/5

I had some amount of fun reading it. While the story was ok, it did have me wondering about the Trials and what would happen next and different ways to spice it up. It was a nice workout, of you will. I do like the concept and am interested to see where it will go. 

I hope you take my advice into account to spice up your novel and story. Thank you for sharing your work with me and accepting my honest criticism.

TOTAL RATING: 24.5

OVERALL RATING: 7.0

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