Painting in Braille by converse103654.

I've got my dry cereal and a glass of water, and I'm ready to get cracking. 

As usual, let's begin with your blurb. 

STRUCTURE:

""My life has changed and I am changing with it." Sophie Kinsella.

Kinsley finally thought she was on the right track. She had gotten into the art school of her dreams, *she can afford her own apartment for her and her sister. 

One day she wakes up to total darkness, she lose hope of living her dreams, and becoming a successful adult.

Will someone help her stand back on her own two feet, or is she beyond the point of anyone's help?"

There are already a few grammatical errors in this blurb, but it is very well-written. It sort of reads awkwardly by the third sentence. Here's a re-written one with correct grammar and some notes underlined and bolded:

"My life has changed and I am changing with it."
—Sophie Kinsella 

(I'm going to assume this is a quote and ^ she's the one who said it. If so, indicate with a dash.)

Kinsley finally thought she was on the right track (putting finally after "she was" could also read better). She'd gotten into the art school of her dreams and she could finally afford her own apartment for her and her sister. At last, she could stand on her own two feet AND/OR, Everything was fine. (Re-iterating that all is well has a better effect when it turns sour in the next paragraph ;)

But one day, Kinsley (when starting a new paragraph you should identify the subject by her name here—not 'she') wakes up to total darkness. She loses (Kinsley is a singular subject = singular verb) all hope (adding 'all' is more dramatic ;p)of living her dreams and becoming a successful adult.

Will someone help her stand back on her own two feet, or is her misfortune as helpless as it seems?

Bleh. Slightly better. Ending with a question is always great.

A blurb is always a working progress, and if you're like me, no matter how many revisions it never seems to have nailed it. This is something you'll have to constantly revisit. Hopefully, the above has saved you a few trips though ;p

CONTENT:

That's your blurb's structure, but as it relates to content, here are my thoughts:

It's short and sweet, which is always good. A bit stiff and dry, but it does incite some curiosity. An artist whose gone blind. That's an interesting premise. Yet, why is that a sentence saying anything similar to this is never mentioned? Not once. Since the whole idea of an artist going blind is the central theme, you need to reiterate that at least once. The premise is sort of banking on the irony of it, and while there's a hint from the title and you've subtly hinted to it in the blurb too, I think you should also outright bring attention to it. This is the pitch of your story, so don't leave that part up for grabs.

"How will Kinsley be able to paint now? What about her dreams of becoming a new Picasso?" Ask questions that force your reader to notice "oh wait, it's definitely going to be difficult to paint if you can't see". 

Kind of exaggerated, but I think you should have one sentence outright presenting the crisis at hand, and not "she lose hope of living her dreams, and becoming a successful adult." What constitutes as a 'successful adult' in Kinsley's book? What definition of that have you given? What aspiration of hers has she now lost that forces us to sympathise with her?

My point is that your blurb is a little, not-concrete, if that makes sense. 

Giving a short sentence like, "Kinsley has known the feel of a paintbrush since she could walk," which connects us to a more infantile memory, will definitely tug at the heart more when you drop the blind bomb on us. Or anything like, "All Kinsley can do is paint," or "Kinsley's entire life revolves around her canvas and a splash of watercolour". Anything that makes her talent jeopardised even more unfortunate. More stakes, more contrast and more reasons to sympathise are what this current short and sweet blurb lacks. With more of those, your story will be an even more emotionally fulfilling read. Erm. Should. This is said in the hope that she'll still be able to pursue her dreams in the end.

Hope this helped.

Now to your chapters. I review as I read, but if any opinions changed after completing, I'll denote them for sure.

Grammar/Syntax/Punctuation: 2.5/5

The first thing I've noticed immediately from your first few sentences is a. you're a young writer (or a little inexperienced) and b. you've formatted the story incorrectly. Or as correct as a story on wattpad can even be formatted >;(—but this isn't my rant book. 

If you look closely, you've started a new paragraph for nearly every sentence you've written. This isn't usually how one goes about starting new paragraphs. (NOTE: in your sixth paragraph you've started a sentence with 'but'. I do this all the time as well, but to make it less vulnerable just add an em dash in front of it (— alt 0151 on num pad) so it's still a part of the same sentence).

Paragraphs are used to separate clusters of thoughts and ideas that are related to each other. I could say they're usually 8 sentences long but that's just being lazy—paragraphs can and should vary in length once you know how to use them properly. 

The only time to make a new paragraph (with a few caveats) is when you're writing dialogue. For each new speaker, you start a new paragraph, or you go to a new line by pressing the enter key twice. 

Like

so. 

Not
so. 

That's the most basic rule until you're actually going into prose and style and all those doohickeys.

The third thing; c. you've started with an alarm clock blaring. I won't deduct any points though since you didn't go into her having waffles and eggs for breakfast. 

The fourth, d. by the seventh paragraph presumably, Kinsely's started crying?

My advice for here will have to be saved for the Story Concept section, but briefly, don't have a character doing too many emotionally heavy stuff so early in a story (like crying, mourning, dying, erm, being broken up with, losing a relative...losing an eye) because the reader hasn't yet even built a connection to be able to sympathise with them. 

In fact, it'll be like you're a ghost and you've just walked into a room, and there's someone crying on a bed. You'll be like "Erm" and just stand there awkwardly because you're not sure why this stranger decided to burst into tears in the bedroom you were planning to haunt. Like an awkward bystander is the analogy I'm trying to make, but I have a super roundabout way of saying stuff. Lol.

Eh, more on that later.

To legit grammar:

Four things.
1. Since this wasn't actually spoken, the sentence shouldn't be enclosed by double quotations, but just put in italics, or 'single quotes'.
2. 'Her' is a pronoun, so it should be in common letters: What is happening to me? ʼher mind screamed.
3. She's asking a question, so it should be a question mark. (?)
4. BUT, you said 'her mind screamed' so if she's screaming it should be an exclamation mark (!). Change the dialogue tag (her mind screamed) or the punctuation. Both cannot be there.

Here, is what I call Writing Actions in/with Continuous Tense, which to me, is a sign of weak writing. Actions that happen NOW! need to be immediate. When you add that pesky 'ing', you're making it longer, prolonged and it loses its punch. 

The air conditioning unit kicked on, and Kinsley jumped, is much more immediate than, The air conditioning unit kicked on, causing Kinsley to jump. Nope. Burn that 'causing'. It also makes it look like the MC is also a pushover because the AC is the only thing that caused her to jump. Objects shouldn't be causing your MC's actions, she should be doing actions of her own volition. The environment shouldn't be forcing her to move, she should be forcing it to move, if that makes sense.

Go see my review on 'Abbbernathy and The Cat Kingdom' by Octavia Locke where I first addressed writing actions with continuous tense. maybe I should make that chapter in my snip snip writing tips. maybe.

I like the reiteration you've made here, repeating it is a sign of panic. This connects syntax to meaning, which I love seeing. 

However:

The repetition of 'knees' here could have been avoided. It's an unspoken rule to try not to repeat the same word too close in proximity to each other, they bring attention to the other word, and it reads kinda awkwardly. 

The first part of chapter 1 ended here, and it ended anticlimactically. What? That's all we get? She wakes up blind and just goes back to sleep crying?  I mean, like, big mood, but still, she needs to call for someone or reach for a phone or do anything to get to the nearest hospital and find out if its permanent! [EDIT:] nice, a stranger came into her house and took her to get help. the way you wrote it made me less harsh about it, but still, I'll get to that in story concept too.

Lastly in syntax, is Specifics. You use specifics often, like 'seven o clock am' instead of 'seven in the morning' or even more vague: 'a little after dawn', and 'the air conditioning unit' instead of 'AC'.  Specifics is another sign of weak writing, kinda, and I've seen it around wattpad often too. 

The good thing is, that with your writing and your story, while it got a lower score here in syntax, I've actually had a lot of fun making the corrections. I not only get to brush up on my English grammar (English is a demon) but, I get to point out errors in hopes that you improve. For some reason i think your story is very sweet, idk this is like 13 paragraphs in, sue me, and this should help it flourish.

And trust me, someone who has been corrected 7, 8, 9 times, is likely to have learnt a lot more and do better, than someone who's never been corrected their entire life ;p. 

oops, i lied. last lastly in syntax is your excessive use of commas. You use commas in a lot of places where they're not needed. I've left comments on a few such instances.

whoops, okay, last last nitpick, exactly what POV is PiB written in? It became unclear to me in Chapter Two when Mason and Kinsley were both sharing their own internalisations. Is it omniscience? 

Story Concept: 4/5

Hey, I said stuff about the blurb and yadda yadda, but regardless of your execution, I like the irony and I do think it's promising. I certainly have little nitpicks in this regard, except that its not something I myself have never thought of before. 

However, 2 qualms:

1. I understand your reasoning behind having Mason just barge into her house to help her, and you're obviously aware of the dangers of that and you don't try to romanticise it, but I do wish Kinsley had even spoken to him once before he barged in, so they weren't complete strangers. It still feels unreal how he went in with very little hesitation. At least a knock and "hello?" Hmm, that was strange. should I maybe call the cops? "ARHSHKK!!!!" Oh wow, nope it sounds like someone's dying in there. **Tentatively opens door** "ARHSKK!!!!!" Ok, then he barges in." Is all. 

2. Re: Kinsley crying like 1 minute in. As I said, with only a few sentences into your very first chapter, readers have little room to sympathise with Kinsley. The most they can do is feel sorry for her, or empathise, but to feel some deep-rooted "Aw shooks!" something to contrast her current state of being to would really strike home. 

If you don't want to do that, an alternative that could partially suffice is if you had internalised what Kinsley was thinking in that moment. "Oh no, how am I supposed to paint? Oh god, what do I do now? What should I tell my sister? My career is over. Everything was going so well . . ." 

A short flashback would have been nice, or hey, even a prologue with Kinsley as a kid painting with her dead mother. Not dead then. In the future. 'Painting' could be one of the few things Kinsley's hypothetically dead mother left her, and she cherishes it.' Kinsley not being able to paint, hypothetically, could be like a second death for her hypothetically already-dead mother. Am I making sense? Anyway, back to what I said. For a rushed emotional investment like that, pitting higher stakes could be a shorter way of getting an "Aw shooks!" and not an "oh darn ;(" or "oh, i see."

Cover: 4.8/5

I know. I just never thought it was a complete 4, you know? I don't see a lot of relevance with the bg you've chosen, but i do see how it could possibly tie in a little. The girl is obviously not showing her face, and there's a painting so . . . I also love the font you chose for 'BRAILLE', clever, har har, and the brush font you chose for 'Painting In'. All good applications of font to show meaning, again. Sucker for that. However, I wish I could have seen the author's name better, and that the cover just had some more . . . colour. Besides that this is probably the highest score I've given a cover ever. I know. I'm miss prissy pants.

Character Originality: 3/5

I've just realised this is ettin too long. Let's make the rest concise, because I've been sitting down for almost 3 hours now, rofl. 

The characters are alright. They're just .5 over the exact fence because I think Mason is an ight and kind dude and Kinsley was acting like a logical person. I know, not something extraordinary, but on Wattpad, that's like finding DIAMONDS. 

Writing Style: 2.75/5

Like syntax, here is where you fall short.  Nothing stands out about your writing style, and from a perspective of more organic writing and not the cold hard rules, it needs room to grow to a more natural voice. As it is now, only practice can alleviate the stiffness in some areas, but I firmly believe you have the basic ground rules as it relates to coming up with stories and writing them—just not the grammar, punctuation, syntax, diction, all that academic hibblygibbblies. However, that doesn't mean you should neglect them. Perfecting all of these help to exude professionalism, and give readers an idea that you know what you're doing, and mastery of these and artful story-telling are the ultimate combo. I can't wait for your improvement. 

Pacin/Organisation: 3.5/5

Ok, as it relates to pacing I firmly believe that it was **decent**, except for again, the bit with Kinsley crying 1 minute in. I also think that entire scene could have been longer, and that the scene in the hospital could have been a little longer too, but less reading for me why should I be complaining????!!!!??? Jk. 

Was it enjoyable? 3.5/5

Not quite a 4. I did enjoy this though, sorta, kinda. I didn't hate it, and I'm slightly over the fence. Overall I think PiB has a TON of potential, and I definitely think you should re-write it or hire an editor or something. I think it's the type of romance novel that could do pretty well on Wattpad—if the right people find it. 

Please. 

I'm tired of seeing millionaire ItalRussian mafia badboy sexy alpha werewolf men. My tears are blood at this point. 

Thanks for sharing your work and happy writing :)

Total score: 24.05/35
Overall rating: 6.9 ;) 

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