Black Petals by bitterwishes.

Let's skip your blurb because its well-written enough and I wanted to jump right into your story. I was pretty impressed with your cover, so it made me a bit more eager to start.

Grammar/Syntax/Punctuation: 2.5/5

At the beginning of chapter 2, there's a brief flashback written in the present tense. You write your novel in the present tense—simple present if my grammar skills serve. As such, your flashback should be written in simple past, since it speaks to something that has happened along a separate timeline that has already passed. Similarly, for the intermittent flashbacks you had scattered throughout chapter one, they should also be written in simple past. 

One of the drawbacks of writing in present tense for certain writers is the inflexibility that comes with it. While present tense gives a sense of immediacy, it also lacks flexibility when it comes to switching between tenses and events along separate timelines, especially when it gets a little more technical. 

While not jarring, you sometimes dropped random character's names and one aspect of world-building without giving any context or cluing your reader in on who or what they may be. You suddenly mention Eunoia without having any prior reference to her. Laurel also pops in, and pops back out just as quickly as she came. Then Gallian. Who is Gallian? You haven't really grounded these characters, and while I'm sure you may intend to introduce them and flesh them out later, it may confuse your readers suddenly introducing new information, and then not expounding further and leaving it floating around.

The phrase "when I impacted the officer" is awkward. The way you write is very conversational. It uses a tone and words that anyone reading will understand, and while "impacted" isn't a word only those with a PhD will know the meaning of, it really doesn't fit as well here in the same way "slammed" or "crashed" would. "Impacted" sounds kind of detached, sort of technical and less immediate. 

"I had dropped the bottle from my hands when I slammed into the officer."

The word "slam" itself has quite a punch in the way "impact" doesn't. Just the sound alone speaks more in volume. 

SLAM! 

Impact! 

Slam takes the cake. 

Shorter vers often hold more punch. CUT! vs. LACERATE! CUT ftw. An even better way to increase the immediacy of this sentence is to place the effect of that slamming (dropping the bottle) after the action. Placing it before delays it. Adding some onomatopoeia for effect would be the icing on the cake.

This way, it appeals to both visual and auditory senses. 

Disregard the entire clause you wrote after "the officer". Put it in a separate sentence. Adding more information to an action wears down the immediacy it's supposed to have. Immediate and sudden actions require shorter sentence length to make them more "in the now". Adding more information after draws it out, and by the end of the sentence, the action would have lost its punch.

In between 'injuries' and 'no one', there should be an em or en dash, and I'm sure you know that too. It's happened to me before where I put em dashes but the published chapter shows them as a hyphen. 

If you're on a PC, you can get em dashes (—) by holding down 'ALT' and typing '0151' on your num pad. That's the alt code. If not, a simple (--) will do, or (---) if you want a longer length. 

If you're on a Mac, then its 'SHIFT + OPTION + -' to get (—) an em dash.

The only difference between en and em dashes are their length. En dashes span the width of the letter 'n' and the same thing for em dashes—width of the letter 'm'. 

Story Concept: 2.5/5

Just two chapters in plus the prologue, I can't really get a feel for the story concept, but I can get a feel of the premise. Blaze is a slave who is different. She's not like the rest. Blaze so far sounds ruthless, she's strong and a leader and has some sort of darkness dwelling within her. She may also have a penchant for fire, hence the name. But more on that later.

The idea of these slaves who live in misery is a promising start—it presents a bad condition,  and with it is there the prospect of some sort of action forceful or not, to seek better conditions. Smashing. 

However, 2 chapters in you've still yet to describe the slave village. In chapter 1 there was no action and it was purley dedicated to describing the harrowing flashbacks Blaze has of her father and mother. Mainly her father. Yes—factoring some daddy issues is always a good trope to lean on, especially to make a character ruthless or generally angry at the world. But, all the while the reader has yet to establish some distinct and clear setting, a setting when they can smell fumes and coal and general discontent. A setting where they can feel damp, cloying moisture in the air, or dry, cold night breeze. A setting where they can see tall, dark steel frames and thatched huts. A setting where they can hear gale whooshing, or steel beams clattering, or officer's boots crunching as they patrol.

You only place bare skeletons, but never really flesh them out. There's a distinct difference between making a cardboard stickman, and moulding one out of clay. 

Your blurb presents a clear conflict, which is always nice, but by the end of it, we still don't exactly have an idea of what Blaze intends to do. Does she do anything? 

With Blaze's best friend and his family, they can only hope to survive another year as slaves.

Why would she want to survive another year as a slave? Doesn't she despise being a slave? You don't mention any affirmative action that Blaze takes, no epic swing in the mood of the blurb. You don't end with a question that will force a prospective reader to open your book or foreshadow some sort of uprising or revolt or what Blaze herself thinks of the recent developments or where she stands. If her whole childhood is a lie, and you started out with that, end it with something along similar lines to make it close tightly. 

Cover: 4/5

The cover is good, no being pedantic here. 

I only think that (1), the background shouldn't be so dark or (2) you should make the red text glow or stand out more (esp. in the lower left). It would be nice if the cover had a more distinct image of a petal but I've only read up to chapter two, and the clock in the background may have some underlying meaning that I'd only get further in. Or its just there because it can be.

Character Originality: 2/5

You often point out how different Blaze is from the rest, and how strong she is and how much she's gone through. She's withstood an abusive father, check. She's also been whipped and had an unfortunate encounter with an officer. Learnt from that mistake the hard way. Check. She also doesn't care for her appearance. Check. 

All of these are distinctly Blaze, and all of these you've been sure to point out. It's just the lack of subtlety that's a qualm for me. 

You going to the oains of describing her attire, and going to the pains of pointing out that she doesn't care what she wears is kind of redundant. You going to the pains of describing the attire she couldn't care less about somewhat defeats the purpose. Adversely, it would have a whole lot more nuance if the whole time, very little was mentioned of her attire. Even better, if you point out how little she cares for her attire througgh the eyes of someone else:

She assessed my grey rags and unkempt hair. My baggy shorts and muck-filled shoes. Her scowl was distasteful and disapproving, and when she spoke, I was even more confused. 

'What are you wearing? Even slaves have proper clothes you know, but you're making a show of it.'

I frowned and titled my head. 'I don't have any time to dress properly. What sense does it make if it gets dirty mining coal anyway?'

Chloe tsked and shook her head. As she did her brown locks swished. 'Forget it. What's the sense in fixing something if it's not broken?'

Here, through simple dialogue, you've shown us that Blaze doesn't really care for how she looks. It was a lot better than the flat out and a contradictory method you used above.

 Another example is this:

While the flashback itself is dry, so too is the officer. You've given him no personality. You've completely stripped him of any semlance of character by giving him no dialogue, and describing him purely as a person who serves the purpose of whipping Blaze and teaching her a lesson. This is pointing to two-dimensional versus three-dimensional characters. 

You may think that because he's an officer, there's no real need to go out of your way and descrie him out of the context of Blaze's suffering, but I'm a firm believer that the characters make a story, and that every character should have a story, especially a catalyst like this officer. It would be nice to see a repeat of him, having been the first guard to have treated Blaze in this way, and to leave such an impression on her. Don't make him a nameless face with no past and no future. A character made purely for the purpose of ensuring your MC learns a lesson. 

Make him evil and cold, or make him nervous and just as afraid as she was. Humanise him, that way not only will he come to life, but your entire story. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Your writing style is definitely one acquired from practice, and this doesn't sound like a first time work. However, it lacks any distinguishing tone to it that sets it apart from any other teen fiction or YA I may have read. You don't particularly alternate between sentence structure and length, and the writing isn't very dynamic. Sometimes its stilted and sometimes it's too long. 

I think you're at the stage in writing, where its time to do more reading and writing. Outsource and look at what other authors, completely outside your regular circle of authors or your typical genre, are doing. How they write, what devices they use. They can be on Wattpad, but I'd recommend published authors outside of Wattpad too. 

Measure yourself up to their writing, note your similarities and differences, and find a tone that you yourself would like to write in that's new, unique and completely yours.

Pacing/Organisation: 3/5

As it relates to pacing, your first chapter was very fluctuating. Your prologue was quite short and didn't really serve any purpose. If you intended to foreshadow Blaze's underlying nature, do so through actions and a narrative, not descriptions and vague exposition. Write something that leads somewhere, with dialogue and a story. 

I saw the comment someone else made on the prologue, and I agree wholeheartedly. It's definitely not concrete enough to deserve its own chapter, much less the introduction to any new reader.

Was it enjoyable? 3/5

I didn't hate Black Petals, but I didn't love it either. 

I'm leaning .5 above the regular neutral score because I can appreciate the world-building and the presentation you've done so far. While the cover and maps did exude professionalism, however, work on the actual content of your novel too, so all are up to par. 

Thank you for sharing your work with me. Don't forget to leave feedback and your thoughts and general satisfaction with this review.

Total score: 19.5/35

Overall rating: 5.8

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