Clan: The Change by Planitalia.

Sup Planitalia! :) Finally got around to your review. Let's start with Chapter One!

Grammar/Syntax/Punctuation: 3/5

This is an excerpt from your first paragraph.

It was the middle of the night, about 10:37, when my life was about to change, forever. My name is Jason, I am 14, in high school and live on the island of Marian, it's more like a distant planet than an island, while it's part of America, it's very far away.

All of the places I've underlined and bolded are potential areas for a full stop or don't need a comma any at all. You're joining two sentences that can stand on their own. If they were apart, it would read a little better. I.e:

It was the middle of the night, about 10:37, when my life was about to change forever. My name is Jason. I am 14, in high school and I live on the island of Maria. It's more like a distant planet than an island, and while it's part of America, it's very far away.

I've underlined the parts I changed. At "and" I joined those two complete sentences with "and" a conjunction. This is just an example, but you could also use other FANBOYS like for, nor, but, or, yet and so. 

Your dialogue tags are also incorrect. 

"Are you alright Jason?" My [1]Mom said as she came out of my brothers' room, catching [2] my breath [4] I said, 

"Yeah, I thought I saw something, but I'm fine. Really, I am." She [3] went to the window.

[1] My shouldn't be capitalised. Since the whole clause "my mom said as she . . ." is still a part of the initial sentence, it should be in common letters. The same applies for [3]. 

[2] After "room" there should be a full stop, and at [4] there should be a comma.

Enough nitpicking. I'll just summarise the rest! But, before that...

". . . and no, under any circumstances, at all, let a girl, with brown hair and blue eyes see you."

I like this bit, but it would read better if you said ". . . and don't under any circumstances . . ."

This bit is also a little confusing: And then I heard the sound of Heaven to some, the roaring of Hell, to me. 

You could rephrase it like: Then I heard a sound – to some, it was the sound of the Heavens. But for me? It meant Hell. 

Eh, it's still a little awkward, but I hope this can help you improve it. If anyone reading has a better suggestion, please leave it!

In summary: Besides punctuation, you have no real flaws in your grammar, so I didn't mark too hard. All your spelling is correct, and you use words like you know what you're doing. Save for a few awkward phrasings, you definitely know how to write, and ever since you mentioned Magnus Chase I couldn't help but compare your writing to Rick Riordan's. In a good way. My writing for goofy actions scenes is also influenced by him, especially in my latest chapter of Harvest Season. It's a refreshing and light-hearted style, and I could see a smattering of it sprinkled in the way you wrote. A teeny bit! 

Just work on the way you phrase your sentences, and expressing yourself more coherently, and I think there should be no major flaws in your writing. Also be a little more patient with your story, as I will talk about under "Pacing/Organisation."

Story Concept: 3.5/5

I like the concept so far, albeit a little rushed. The Clan names seem a bit unique, so I won't try to recite them off the top of my head. But, the only reason I took off marks (.5) was because the trope of a high school kid being discovered as the chosen one or introduced to an entirely new society with magic and fighting or being the heir/child to a King or leader or God/Goddess and they were unaware of it has been seen many times. It's all blurred lines here. I didn't take off too many marks, because I use a few cliches too, and if used rightly I don't think they're bad. 

I took off another mark because I thought you could have gone into a bit more world building or explanations (subtly, of course). Chris is introduced very suddenly, and without asking enough questions Jace just goes along with it. He did try to react logically, but it fell short.

Cover: 2/5 

I think your cover needs more relevance. An image of wheat (i think) is not what you think of when you hear Clan: The Change. I know this was made with the Wattpad Covers App, something I used once and didn't use again. I really recommend Canva, it's free and easy to use and it's web-based. You're not downloading anything onto your computer. I am not an endorser for canva, I just think its very useful. All the covers on my profile right now were made with Canva.

Make the text bigger, easier to see and read (clearly distinguishable from the background image) and find a more relevant image. Pinterest is a good place to start.

Character Originality: 2.5/5

I really think you could have pushed your characters more. Chris seems the most interesting so far. You haven't added any unique features to Jace (yeah, I'll call him that now). Something different. You could start as simple as "likes" and "dislikes" and find funny or weird things about them. Then incorporate those quirks into their personality. 

Writing Style: 4/5

I really don't have any problems with your writing, except for changing the awkward phrasings and getting a little more comfortable with your style. It's not extremely distinct yet, but it's pleasant, and I think it should attract the right audience if you add some more subtle comedy.

Pacing/Organisation: 3/5

As I mentioned earlier, I wish the build-up to introduce Chris and him walking into Jace's bedroom out of the blue could have been a little slower. That and all the other scenes where there wasn't any dialogue to fill the gaps. 

Was it enjoyable? 3/5

I didn't have any problems, and I think it was a pleasant read so far. Just find something to spice it up, and separate it from anything else written similar to yours. 

Total score: 21/35
Overall rating: 6.0

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A Vampire's Story by Lady__Luck.