The Snow Queen by KTheDreamer88

Before I proceed to the review, Housekeeping Matters:

I've made adjustments to the criteria for the review, or rather, the reviewing system. 

Seeing as these reviews are pulled from the first three chapters, as that's as much as I can manage, I've changed Characters/Character Development to Character Originality.

This is a much more sensible edit! However, the ratings from previous reviews won't change, because even then I was only scoring based on character originality. 

If I ever make adjustments to the reviewing system again, you'll be the first to know!

Thank you for reading.

-Echo.

OVERVIEW

TO THE POINT: Pleasant read, very promising writing style, some areas for improvement, GREAT potential. 

MORE DETAILED:

The Snow Queen starts off with the main character, Wynter, on the first day of December in a town square celebrating a winter with no snow. 

While I did get feelings of an upcoming Salem Witch Trials or a Joan of Arc burning at the stake scene, I did like that from the beginning it was explained why the village doesn't want snow. 

In this department, I wasn't disappointed. There was no fire or funeral pyre, but there was a public viewing and a somewhat persecution?

As for the novel's blurb, I don't think it did the work's writing any justice. While a tad bit in need of improvement, the writing style in this novel is well developed, and already has some of the expressions and phrases you'd see in popularly published works.

Meaning, that a good reader makes a good writer, though not always XD.

Writing takes practice and reading—but it takes imagination too. And while it's not a talent, some have more of it than others. The concept for this novel so far is one that I've seen before, but I get to that in the respective category. 

The blurb is as follows:

Wynter White and Miri Frost.

A duo so powerful that only fate can bring together.

And that's it. 

While a short and sweet blurb may do it for some novels, a blurb is supposed to tell you what the story is about so it can hook the reader in. Questions are to be raised to push them to open the book. Doing an analysis, I'm going to put as many questions this blurb raises as I can identify.

1. Who is Wynter White?

2. Who is Miri Frost?

3. Why are they so powerful?

4. Why can only fate bring them together (partially answered)

5. Why does Fate want to/have to bring them together?

Thos are all the questions I could think of. But the blurb needs more substance. A blurb should be a minimum of three paragraphs. For good measure, your blurb should be between 100 and 200 words, 100 and 180 if you're going by Scarlett Rugers. 

A book blurb between 100 and 180 words fits neatly on the back of your paperback novel if you plan for it to be published.

❝Ideally, your blurb should be of about 100-180 words. This is a good word count to aim for as it will fit the back cover neatly in a good size font. You don't want to give too much away, it's important to not think of it in the same way you would a synopsis. It is the second base on the way for a customer to purchase your book and your main aim is to intrigue and entice them.❞

On my profile, TTC has a looooooong blurb, but do what I say and not as I do XD. If you're looking for some proper examples, scroll around Wattpad—or better yet, Kindle and Amazon—for some great blurb examples. 

But if I were to ignorantly add some tweaks to this blurb only using what I know from the first 3 chapters—well, let's see how it turns out.

Wynter White lives her life in a shadow, hiding from guards and townspeople who despise her for her mother's nature. After being orphaned by the very people celebrating a winter without snow—without her mother—years later she's still a bitter girl seeking retribution yet. 

But a crumpled note she found in a cottage taken right out a story book changes her fate for better and for worse. When Miri Frost collapsed in front Wynter while she was on the run from her village, that's when Wynter discovered it—she's not the only one. 

Wynter White and Miri Frost, a duo so powerful only fate can bring together, are here to bring back the snow. 

And this time, it's here to stay.

[Word count: 122]

How's that? It could be improved, but it should be a good enough guide. Really, all your previous blurb lacked was context and an ensuing danger, outlining what's a steak, and my blurb couldn't highlight that because I haven't read far enough ( ;￢_￢)

I could give a sort of nice wrap-up, however, of the fact that snow is gone and they're there to bring it back, which I can only hope is a part of the plot of the story. 

Anyway, never mind my erring thoughts please see the rest of your review IN FULL!

FULL REVIEW

I review with the following criteria:

COVER:

STORY CONCEPT:

GRAMMAR:

CHARACTER ORIGINALITY:

WRITING STYLE:

PACING/ORGANISATION:

IF IT WAS ENJOYABLE!

for a final score out of 35.

Afterwards, I multiply it by a 100 and give it an overall rating.

COVER: 3/5

The cover receives a 3/5. The image in the background is very fitting, and the illustration is very appropriate for the story theme, yet it almost looks like the cover for a children's book. If it is intended then this shouldn't be a problem. If not, maybe consider changing the image?

To add more, the image could be in HD instead—480-720p at best.See this chart for a mini reference!

The text could also be larger and brighter, but becuase the cover theme is very fitting, I gave credit where due!

STORY CONCEPT: 3/5

The story concept from what I've read isn't wholeheartedly original. I've seen the idea of Snow Queen before in Narnia, and in The Huntsmen, and of course, from the original fairytale The Snow Queen. Of course in Narnia, it was the White Witch but I think I'm allowed to make the jump. 

In short, the idea is one I've seen before, so I gave it a 3 for good measure.

GRAMMAR: 2.5/5 

Grammar, for the most part, was correct, but there were a few areas in need of correction. 

1. Tense switching:

"Elfegel laughed evilly, probably enjoying this experience. He hasn't always been like this. He used to be kindhearted and generous. My guess on what had turned him into the wicked man he is now are the riches he seeks, which he never shares with anyone..."

In this paragraph and perhaps others, you're alternating between present and past tense. Do edit the chapter to see if you made any more errors like this! 

2. Redundancy

"I ran after them, my bare feet stinging from the sharp twigs and rocks that jutted out from the forest floor."

Jutted out is redundant.

Jut (v) past tense: jutted

to extend out, over, or beyond the main body or line of something.

synonyms: stick out, project, protrude, bulge out, overhang

To jut (/out/ jutted) is to already stick out, adding out makes it redundant. It's almost like saying protrude out or reverse back or repeat again or reason why.

CHARACTER ORIGINALITY: 2/5

The characters aren't very original either from what I've read. From the chapters, I can already pick out the categories they all fall into.

Wynter is the orphan who hates being weak and wants to find the power to be strong and retaliate! Please clarify if Wynter's an orphan or not, it was hinted at the mother's death, but not very clear!

Eris is the protector/best friend/ sacrifice/ loved one/catalyst

Elfegel is the douchey catalyst ;-; 

These are all the characters that have been introduced so far, which is partly a good thing. Usually, I find myself being overwhelmed with the number of characters being introduced in one chapter all at once in some novels. 

It would help if there was a twist to their characters. There were even some parts that were cliched. Take this little scene right here when Eris was about to be stoned:

""Don't hurt him, kill me instead!" I tried to sound confident and strong, but my words came out in a nervous jumble. Weak."

It's going to sound heartless, but if I were in that situation I would be too scared for my own life to just offer it on a platter. I wouldn't be content with Eris getting killed, but I wouldn't want to die either. But for Wynter to selflessly say those words? I've read them numerous times. 

And though Elfegel reassured her afterwards that she would get her own punishment (cackles evilly at the misfortune). Turn my expectations on their head. It'll make your characters more dimensional. Don't just write a character, write a person.

WRITING STYLE: 4/5

Again, while it could use some sprucing up, the writing style is a step up from some of the other stories I've even read outside of Wattpad! Okay, maybe that's an overstatement, I don't read enough bad books because I don't want to waste money on them, but it is overflowing with potential!

It's on its way to having it's own distinct tone, but until it gets there—use fewer adverbs! And also, show don't tell!

Take this scene for example:

Here you had decent imagery and a great narrative:

"An angry woman's voice from behind me shouted 'burn her', and others began to join in, creating a raucous and cacophonous chorus of chanting. I turned my head to look at them with pleading eyes, but their malevolent expressions showed no mercy. Not even the children's. I glanced at Eris who smiled weakly, a silent goodbye."

But here:

""QUIET!!" Elfegel hollered. The townspeople dropped their voices to quivering whispers. "We will leave her in the woods to die." . . . He snapped his fingers, and I received a powerful blow to the back of my head. My vision blurred and I slipped into an unconscious setting where I finally felt peace."

Still going strong, but you could have told us more about the pain that she felt after she received a blow to her head. I'm not sure what it feels like to get a concussion, but I'm almost sure she'd feel something before everything faded to black. 

Speaking of fading, on a side note a minor pet peeve of mine it ending scenes with the words along the lines of, "slipped out of consciousness" or "faded to dark/black" or "fell unconscious" or anything that implies being concussed and/or dead to the world. 

View the 'note to self' comments I left in Chapter 2 to see more of what I'm talking about!

PACING/ORGANISATION: 3/5

At tiems things felt like they were moving too quickly—especially in that prologue and first chapter. But if you jsut slow down in those areas, and make everyhting mroe gradual [poco-a-poco] I'm sure all those wrinkles will be ironed. 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT: 3/5

It was a pleasant read overall, and with some edits and more original concepts introduced, I'm a 100% sure it'll be a fascinating read. 

Thank you for sharing your work with me, KTheDreamer88!

TOTAL SCORE: 20/35

OVERALL RATING: 5.7

UP NEXT

Her Story by Sebby26.

HOUSEKEEPING MATTERS:

I've made adjustments to the criteria for the review, or rather, the reviewing system.

Seeing as these reviews are pulled from the first three chapters, as that's as much as I can manage, I've changed Characters/Character Development to Character Originality.

This is a much more sensible edit! However, the ratings from previous reviews won't change, because even then I was only scoring based on character originality.

If I ever make adjustments to the reviewing system again, you'll be the first to know!

Thank you for reading.

-Echo.