2. Breathing Fire by Heatheranno.

OVERVIEW

TO THE POINT: It was well written, some cliches, high portal fantasy, but not my taste.

MORE DETAILED:

Basically Andie and her younger brother Dylan get transported to another very primitive/medieval "dark" world called Roan. As I only read the first 3 chapters to begin this review, let me clear up something.

I will say from now, to clear any possible future misunderstandings, this book is completed and has 24 other chapters to be read. That being said, it's unavoidable that there will be somethings I've missed since its only the first three chapters. 

Blurb: 

Two teens are transported into a primitive world.

Fiercely strong Andie, and her geeky little brother Dylan, are thrust into the world of Roan. 

Their Valekin hosts seem to think they were sent by the Gods in order to bring peace, but the Gods are [n]ot what they seem. Now it will take all of Andie's fighting skills and Dylan's considerable intelligence for them to stay alive long enough to find their way home. 

 For as the Valekins focus on their Graecore enemies; a tyrannical madman secretly plots to raise a massive army of dead soldiers that will annihilate everyone. The only thing he needs to complete the spell is Dylan's blood. While Dylan comes of age through terror and tragedy Andie struggles to protect him and deal with her growing feelings for prince Hagen; feelings that could cost them both their lives.

The story concept is great. It's the typical portal fantasy where the chosen ones (siblings, in this case) get transported to another world and have to battle an evil mastermind in the shadows to protect a subjugated/weak people. 

The story is well-written with vivid descriptions and much maturity to the writing. And I happen to have a great appreciation for mature writing. There are few problems I had reading this novel. The characters are still yet to have their own distinct tone to their dialogue—in addition nothing really stands out or strikes me about wither characters. The closest was Mr Valder. Overall, this was a great read, and it definitely deserves more views. 

The pacing was also off a bit in the beginning, I'll get to that below.

However, I personally prefer more dark fantasy works. This seemed almost like a teen fantasy novel like Eragon with hints of Lord of the Rings. It's true fantasy, with all fantasy races and plot settings in a medieval world. I got some hints of Avatar as well reading this for some strange reason! The work is great though—genuinely—and it deserves more reads than what it has now Heatheranno. 

FULL REVIEW:

I review with the following criteria.

COVER:

STORY CONCEPT:

GRAMMAR:

CHARACTERS AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

WRITING STYLE:

PACING/ORGANISATION:

IF IT WAS ENJOYABLE!

for a final score out of 35.

After I time sit by a 100, and give it a overall rating.

1. COVER: 2.5/5

Honestly speaking if I saw this cover while scrolling through the Fantasy/Adventure section of Wattpad and saw it, I wouldn't click on it. Covers need to draw people in, because while I'd hate to admit it, some people judge a book by its cover. If you hadn't entered your story otherwise I may have never found it—I'm glad I did though. Good covers are about good marketing—you'll never find one of the best selling novels with a blank cover and words in some Alberti typeface.

I found some covers on Wattpad in Adventure and Fantasy that I could use as an example:

The cover could suse more bright and vibrant colours to immediately appeal to any new readers—Because while your story has a lot of reads already, there are some people out there that won't pay attention to a book unless it grabs them in. So, the cover gets a 2.5

There are tons of Wattpadders around that are doing commissions for covers—most of them are amazing. And if you'd like to try your own hand at cover making, I highly reccommend Canva.com, which is great for beginners. Canva has helped me many times with making covers and graphics: like this one:

They're not half bad, and are a step up. Hope this helped with your cover marketing!

2. STORY CONCEPT: 4/5

The story concept is great, but not completely original. Your execution of this overused portal fantasy device, is what is to be rewarded. A solid 4/5 is the score. I didn't give you a 5 because it's a trope I've seen before, and even if there are slight changes or MAJOR changes, its still something that's already out there. And I'm looking for something completely unique and never seen before.

3. GRAMMAR: 5

Grammar was impeccable, no sleeping errors or major mistakes in grammar. GPS is up to par. A full 5!

4. CHARACTERS AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: 3/5

Writing about character development would be premature, so I'm going to leave that and focus solely on the characters themselves. 

Nothing stood out about them if i'm honest. 

Yeah, Andie did well at fighting and showed good survival skills, so what? Personality wise she seemed like a very cautious, skittish person. She wasn't good or bad, just seemed like a typical main character. Nothing struck me about her. Neither did Dylan. He's into gadgets and technology, and seems more daring, I picked that up. But other than that? Just another geeky younger brother. 

Valder stood out most to me in the first 3 chapters, specifically because he walked into the freaking road just so he could get his past student's attention! I wish we could have found out more about him. Maybe we did?! I only read the first 3 chapters, but in my free time I'd love to read more—though its not what I typically read. He was also coming off as easy, laid back and happy go lucky to me, but with enough years of wisdom. Overall, for characters and character development: a 3. 

While Andie does come off as strong and a good fighter, she just doesn't stick with me.

5. WRITING STYLE: 4

WRITING WAS AMAZING. Better than some of the other stories on Wattpad I've read that are in the hot section. You're descriptions of locations, emotions, appearances—were all stunning and required much thought and imagining.

HOWEVER

There were times when you did more telling than showing. 

I wish you'd do the exact opposite. In the very beginning chapter when you were speaking about Andie and her feeling she's no purpose in life, and that it seemed to taunt her, there was WAAAY more that you could do with it that just popped into my head as I read it. 

Original text:

"At nineteen, she was getting frustrated [at] the lack of direction in her life. She had graduated high school the year before and still had no sense of purpose.....This year her birthday felt like a taunt; a reminder that her life was going nowhere."

There was so much you could do here! Expressing that her birthday was taunting her, a clear personification, could give way to even better imagery! Here you did more telling than showing. A way to change it could be:

"Wherever she went she saw it. She heard her birthday ringing in her ears saw it and hanging off the ceiling and the light posts—everywhere she turned. Its feet dangling over the edge with a party hat and derisive eyes. It was jeering at her, sneering each time their eyes met. It's guffaws echoing in the deepest recesses of her mind. And it followed her like a shadow. Reminding her that she'd been the same even after graduating high school. Scorning her because It'd probably be the same for the next year as well. And the year after. And the year after."

Other than that, I had no other problem with your story. Everything else went smoothy. Just go through your chapters and see if there are any places you can do more showing, and if there are any places you could do less. 

6. PACING/ORGANISATION: 3

In the first two chapters it was iffy. It was like a huge BAM WHAM THANK YOU MAM! It escalated quickly. Very quickly. From her driving to following her old sensei into a place. It all seemed surreal? And surreal is not a particularly good sign.There was not enough time to understand and get used to the story environment before they were transported to another environment and you threw another change at the reader. 

I think you introduced the pivotal scene in the story too early. If you had placed another chapter between the first and third, allowing us to adjust to the story better, then dropped the bomb on us, it would give more satisfaction and a steadier build up.

Other than that, everything else was adequate.

FINALLY

7. IF IT WAS ENJOYABLE: 5

HELL YES. It felt like I was reading a professional novel. Thank you for sharing your work with me, and for being willing to accept honest criticism Heatheranno. Not many people are able to accept criticism without getting their hearts shattered or going into ballistic defence mode. 

I applaud you!

TOTAL RATING: 26.5

OVERALL RATING: 7.6

Phew. That was longer than I thought it would be! Okay! 

E N D     O F      R E V I E W

NEXT UP: 

Vigilante and the Prince by KaPowQueen.