〖 chapter sixteen ⋆ the shameless nod 〗

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         "I'M GAY."

         He looked in the mirror. It was just himself. No, not himself. He was never just himself. Like Nora Helmer, the mask was always present on his face; he was a doll for his family to manipulate, his father to mold into whoever he wanted. The perfect child; straight, Columbia bound, lawyer bond, wife bound, child bound...perfect.

         But he looked in the mirror and he saw a fraction of himself. Peter had taken him out, they had a wonderful time together. They looked at the stars, Peter pointed out the constellations that he knew and could see through the foggy sky of New York. They held hands and Peter kissed his cheek.

         He blinked.

         He smiled so much, he was so happy. The mask disappeared, but another took its place and he knew that. He molded himself for Peter to try and be who the boy wanted, he was trying so hard. Icarus took the place of the Golden Boy, but now the first was back. He was seeing himself in the mirror and guilt was overtaking his features, because it was so wrong.

         He ran his fingers over his lips.

         Everything was wrong. Peter kissing him was wrong, him kissing back was wrong. Him liking it was wrong, initiating it was wrong. Holding his hand was wrong. Him wanting to do it again and have that night never end was wrong. He wanted more, more, more – and that was wrong.

         He gripped the sink.

         Even though it felt so right. Letting go, placing on another mask, forgetting about his father and school and how he only had one more year of high school left. All he had to do was get through one more year at home and then he would be gone. Peter's callused fingers holding his own and his laugh that gave life to him. It didn't feel wrong in the moment, it felt righter than anything he had ever done in his life.

         He opened his mouth.

         It could never be right. He thought of his dad, how they used to sit by each other when his family went to church. He thought of the snarl his dad gave whenever the phrase LGBT came up in the news. He thought about his childhood friend who he was always pushed into liking – you have a crush on her, don't ya, buddy? He thought about his friends, thought about Clayton talking about how he could always get him a girl if he wanted.

         He tried to speak.

         And his mind spiraled. He thought about touching a girl, caressing her features as his hands raked her body. He thought about kissing a girl, marrying a girl, having a child – that didn't feel right either. It made him feel so disgusted even thinking about it, but it didn't feel wrong either. It felt like what needed to happen; what was right in the eyes of everyone else. It was what they wanted.

         Nothing came out of his mouth.

         He stared at himself in the mirror and he tried to speak, to utter the words that wanted to escape; a truth. Maybe, a truth. One that could never set him free because he would never admit it to anyone. He tried again, opening his mouth and trying to use his voice only to find nothing.

         Then, he gave a different approach. "I'm straight." And his voice worked.

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         "I'M GAY!"

         The world stopped moving after his yelled it for everyone in the hallway to hear. Even Peter stopped moving and Garrett could see his back and how he tensed before relaxing, taking in what he had admitted for everyone to hear.

         Everyone looked at him as if waiting for the laughter, waiting for when he said "just kidding!" because it was Garrett Lockwood and he had to be straight, right? He wore a Leatherman jacket, he was on the soccer team, he could get any girl he wanted; how could he be gay? But there was no laughter, no "gotcha!", it wasn't a joke.

         And Garrett looked around. He didn't care anymore, he was free. He was speaking his truth because he was gay, he liked boys and he really liked Peter Parker. He wasn't straight, he wasn't some perfect Golden Boy. He wasn't wrong or a sinner, this wasn't an illness. He was gay and he was Garrett Lockwood and he wasn't going to be anyone else. The mask be damned – everyone being disappointed be damned.

         He didn't care anymore. None of it mattered because they didn't matter; but Peter did. Peter mattered so much to him and he wouldn't let the boy leave because he was afraid, because he was scared. That wasn't right. Peter mattered more than his dad's expectations ever could; more than the future ever could.

         Fuck Columbia. Fuck getting married to some girl he could never even love and having children he didn't want with her. Fuck the failing of the marriage because of course it could never work, fuck the divorce that would come, fuck the strained relationship he'd have with his kids because he never wanted them with their mother because he's gay. Fuck the disappointed look on his parents' faces when everything falls down because the marriage failed.

         Fuck it all.

         He was free; he was truly free. He didn't care anymore. He could take the silent treatment from his dad, he could take losing some friends because of his sexuality if it meant that Peter came back. Because Peter mattered more than they ever could.

         And then there was the laugh. Not from Garrett, no, but from some other jock that stood out in the hallway and looked at him. "You're joking, right? I mean, you're not actually a faggot, are you?" he was grinning, he was proud of himself. He was proud to be such a horrible human being.

         Peter turned around, he was looking at Garrett, waiting for his reaction just like everyone. Garrett took a step forward to the jock, looking at him and not backing down. "I'm gay – not a faggot. And I'm not joking. If you have a problem, tell it to my fist," he threatened.

         His heart was pounding in his chest and he never felt more alive. Here he was, free. He wasn't hiding anymore, he was out and he wanted to be. He didn't wait for college; he seized the moment and he was proud of himself, he liked this.

         The guy looked at him for a moment and down to Garrett's hand which was already balling into a fist before taking a step back. He relaxed his stance then, seeing that Peter was still staring at him. That was when he felt the clasp on his back and a cheer. Laughter, but good natured laughter that made him at home.

         Clayton was holding his shoulder and forcing him out of the hallway and past Peter. "I think, as a celebration to your coming out, that we skip the rest of the day and go to Patty's. How does that sound?" he asked.

         "I think it's a great idea," Tatiana pipped in, "And then we can get Garrett some Superman ice cream because that's the most rainbow looking one we have."

         Garrett rolled his eyes, "Look, I'm not gonna start rolling up in nail polish or rainbow shirts now. I'm just, I don't know, gonna start being myself."

         "Which is such a great idea. Really, you do you, Gar. Now all we have to do is find you a man," Tatiana grinned, "My co-worker, Liam, is pretty hot."

         "Garrett here already has the boyfriend thing covered, Tati, don't worry," Clayton told her, arm still slung around Garrett.

         "Shut up. I don't even know if that's still a thing right now," Garrett took Clayton's arm off his shoulders. "We, uh, kinda broke up before I came out and everything."

         "And such a legendary way to do it, too. I guarantee none of those suckers are ever gonna forget Garrett Lockwood screaming out his sexuality in the middle of the fucking hallway after lunch. To put it simply, it's iconic," Clayton assured him just as they got out of the school.

         Garrett laughed, "At least I'll always be remembered, even if it's just for my coming out and nothing else."

         "Oh, please, I'm sure that you'll also be remembered somewhere down the line for something amazing you're gonna do that'll change the world," Tatiana rolled her eyes.       

         For a second, Garrett was brought back to one of his dates with Peter. No, he wasn't going to change the world, but Peter was. It was a great pleasure knowing that boy, meeting someone everyone would know later. He hoped that Peter never forgot him, at the very last.

          "Nah," he shook his head, "I'm not gifted enough to change the world, but I know someone that will. That's enough for me."

         "Way to be optimistic," Clayton snorted.

         "Just being honest," Garrett shrugged. He then placed both his arms around his friends' shoulders, "Now come on. I am craving some Superman ice cream."

         The laughter coming from Tatiana and Clayton was something he'd never forget. They were so carefree and he was enjoying it, he wasn't faking it. He was happy, he was really truly happy; Garrett Lockwood – not the Golden Boy or Icarus – was happy. He was himself, he was just Garrett and nothing else, and that was something to celebrate.

         He wasn't going to hide anymore, he wasn't going to create intricate masks to hide under. No, he was done hiding. He was done trying to be perfect for everyone else will ruining himself, that wasn't right. That wasn't good. He was done living his life to be the perfect trophy, he was more than that. He was Garrett Lockwood and he was going to start being that. No more pretending.

         And just as they were about to turn the corner outside of school, a voice stopped them. "Garrett?" it was Peter. His ex, the boy who mattered. "Can I, uh – can I talk to you really quick?"

         They all turned around. Tatiana looked confused for the most part until Clayton pushed Garrett forward and told him, "Don't keep lover boy waiting, yeah?"

         Garrett glared back at his friend before going to Peter. "Hey," he said to his fresh ex.

         "Hey," Peter repeated, "I, uh, I wanted to congratulate you on coming out. I know that was hard for you, and that you didn't want to. I just, I wanted to let you know that you didn't have to do that. I never – I never wanted to make it seem like you had to do that."

         Garrett shook his head, "I know you didn't. And I didn't do it for you. Look, Pete, I understand why you broke up with me. You were tired of waiting and I was really scared, yeah, but I just – I don't know, something snapped today. I just didn't care anymore because you're more important that homophobes or being scared. So I just – I came out."

         Peter nodded, accepting that and looking at Garrett. "I'm proud of you."

         "Thanks," Garrett chuckled, looking at his shoes, flustered by the boy.

         "No, I really am. I didn't want to keep being in the shadows, and-and it wasn't fair to you either. You were lying all the time and I just, I kept thinking about that night I saw you mid-breakdown. I couldn't help but think I was apart of that, that our relationship was apart of that and maybe it was just better if we weren't together," Peter explained.

         "You didn't. I mean, not you. You – You mean so much to me and it really meant a lot that you stayed there with me for hours just holding me. You've always been nothing but good to me. And I knew that you were gonna leave, but I just – I don't know, I didn't want to really move on after that and keep lying," Garrett said.

         Peter hummed. Pausing before looking at Garrett and playing with his sleeves, "I, uh, I understand if you don't wanna get back together after everything I told you earlier and if you don't ever wanna talk to me. That's – that's fine if you don't, but I'm – I'm willing to try again if you are."

         Garrett smiled at him. He was just so happy. He was free. And it really mattered. It mattered because now he didn't care. He didn't give a verbal answer, just cupping Peter's face and leaning in. He didn't waste time by keeping a little distance between them, he didn't waste time thinking about how he was kissing him in public where anyone could see, he just kissed the boy. And it was right. There was no regret, no lingering feeling that it was wrong, because it wasn't.

         Nothing was wrong with this. Nothing could ever be wrong with kissing Peter Parker. Nothing was wrong with being gay. Nothing was wrong with being himself. He was learning that now and he knew that he could never never go back, but he didn't want to. He didn't care about going back, he didn't care what happened next because right now, he was kissing Peter Parker and nothing else mattered.