〖 chapter fifteen ⋆ dirty little
secret 〗

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         He called Peter again. It was one day before the deadline for early action for Columbia was due and he was freaking out. It was before school and he knew his dad was downstairs. They still weren't talking but perhaps his dad would break the silence to ask and he couldn't take it. He just wanted to calm down and there was no way to do that without Peter's calm voice telling him it was okay.

         But Peter wouldn't pick up. He hadn't been picking up for days now and he didn't know why, causing him to panic more. His heart was beating and he was ready for the stares of disappointment that would reach his gaze, or maybe the continuous silent treatment that's beginning to damage him.

         Before, he didn't care. Finally he didn't have to pretend as much, finally he was free from that criticism, but now it was becoming deadly and he hated it but he would not be the first to break it. That would be weak and he could not be weak; Lockwood men were not weak.

         And Peter declined the call. Peter saw that he was calling and deliberately declined – he was deliberately not speaking to him and he wanted to cry. Everything was falling apart, wasn't it? It was time to say goodbye because there was no other way. Peter had realized that he wasn't enough, Peter had realized that he could do so much better and he was leaving him behind.

         He would be dust. Peter was moving on, he was going to find someone better. He was moving forward and he couldn't hold the boy behind. He deserved more than someone who was scared of their own dad, of their own future, of themselves. He deserved so much better and should stop settling for him.

         This was for the best. It was okay. He was okay. He was always okay.

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         It was at lunch that he sat with Clayton, Tatiana, and Flash. Chuck was sick (thankfully) and Flash still hadn't gotten back with Maddie. He didn't worry though, they would be back by the end of the month because they always were.

         But Flash didn't look like himself, and everyone at the table was noticing it. Clayton looked at his friend carefully before looking over at Tatiana and him. Then, the Lawson girl stood up. "You know what? I'm gonna get something out of the vending machine. Come with me, Clayton?"

         The West boy nodded and stood up and Tatiana bent down to whisper in the Lockwood's ear, "Get him to talk. He looks miserable." And then the two were gone, leaving him with Flash.

         He picked at his food for a moment before trying to make conversation. "So," he started, drawing out the word, "How you doing?"

         "I'm fine," Flash grunted out.

         Frowning, he tried again, "Anything happen with Maddie? Or your family? Is it Physics again?"

         "I said that I'm fine, Lockwood," Flash bit out and he leaned back a bit.

         "Sure...but you can talk to me if you want, I won't tell anyone else," he offered, going back to silence after that. He sipped at his drink and ate his food and there was an unbearable silence between them.

         But he said nothing, because Flash didn't want to talk and he wasn't about to force the boy. He knew what it was like, keeping it all inside so he couldn't preach to the boy about how bad it was and how talking helped oh so much – he knew nothing of that. Bottlings things up was his specialty.

         His eyes fluttered over to where Peter sat with his friends. Michelle was engrossed in a book but sometimes looked up to offer something to what Ned was spewing all about. He was probably talking about something nerdy – maybe class or dungeons and dragons, those were nerdy – because his eyes were lighting up and he was talking way too quickly. But Peter...he looked sad. He looked so lost in his thoughts and he was sure that it was about him.

         Him. Garrett Lockwood; the Golden Boy who was so bad, who didn't deserve him and he was realizing that. He was sure of it. Peter was so much better and he should have someone who could do everything Peter wanted without hesitation; without pulling back and never moving forward.

         He deserved someone that wasn't the Golden Boy.

         "It's just," Flash spoke, snapping his head back to the boy and away from the table with his boyfriend, "I don't know."

         Flash sighed and he frowned, "It doesn't have to make sense. Half the things I feel don't."

         He tried to make it a joke but it was true; that was reality. He didn't understand things that he felt, only that they were complicated and he hated them because they ruined everything. He always ruined things and he was ruining Peter right now because – technically – they were still together. No, it would all be over soon. Peter would be free from his clutches and he wouldn't be ruined; he would be completely fine so it was okay.

         He would be okay with it.

         "I don't like Maddie," Flash confessed, shocking him, "I mean, I did. Kinda, I guess. She was the only one really willing to date me. Everyone else thought I was too hot-headed or whatever, but she was willing to date me."

         He nodded and the boy continued, "But then we kept dating and it just wasn't right. I didn't want it, I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, so I broke up with her. But then I felt lonely so I got back with her. And it's been happening like that for a while and I just – I snapped a while back. I couldn't keep doing this, it wasn't good."

         "It wasn't healthy," he guessed. He knew something about that, he knew it because that was how he felt about himself. It was him and Peter, but that would be over soon. Peter would break his heart and there would be no getting back together, but that was okay. He would be okay when the time came.

         "Yeah," Flash agreed, nodding his head, "And Maddie said that I wasn't making any sense when I tried explaining it all to her. Said that she could wait until I came back, but I don't wanna go back. And yesterday she came over to my house and was trying to get me and...and my dad saw. It's just – a lot's happened and I think I have to get back with her."

         He frowned, "But why?"

         "Just...she saw things and she said she'd tell everyone if I didn't get with her," Flash avoided the question a bit. He didn't want to say so he didn't push it.

         "Do you think people would believe her if she said anything?" he asked instead.

         "I don't know," Flash sighed, "But I don't wanna take a chance. I just – I don't want to be with her but I don't want her to tell everyone."

         "It'll be okay. If she really liked you, she wouldn't tell anyone," he tried, "And she'd be okay if you broke up with her. She'd let you go."

         "But she isn't."

         "I know, but she should. I don't know, tell her that she made it all up or something. Tell her that her eyes were deceiving her," he tried again and Flash nodded.

         He was about to open his mouth again when Tatiana and Clayton returned. "We got chips if you guys want any," she said cheerfully, unaware of the conversation that was happening before they came back.

         Flash closed his mouth and became silent again. Tatiana looked at him but he didn't say anything, it wasn't his place. He looked over at Peter's table again, saw his boyfriend getting up and leaving the cafeteria without taking his food up. He knew what that meant and he knew what he had to do.

         He had to end things. He had to make Peter end things instead of drawing it out. If they were going to break up, he wanted it to be quick, not silent treatment for weeks before a small text would be sent saying that it was all over. It had to end then. It had to end right now; he couldn't wait any longer.

         He didn't want to hurt anymore. It would be better when it was all over, when he didn't have to keep thinking about how he was destroying the poor boy who deserved the world. It was too much; it needed to end. He needed to break things off and let Peter find someone better because he liked Peter. He really liked Peter and he wanted Peter to be happy; even if it wasn't with him. Because it wasn't with him.

         "Be right back," he told his table, standing up himself and leaving the cafeteria. He turned a couple corners and went into the bathroom.

         Peter was washing his hands but he didn't even look at him yet, making sure that it was empty before turning to the boy.

         "You've been ignoring my calls," he stated, something which both of them knew.

         "I haven't wanted to talk," Peter answered, "I've just – I've been thinking a lot about everything lately and I needed time."

         He knew what that meant and he knew that Peter didn't have the guts to really say it, so he did. "You're thinking of breaking up with me, aren't you?"

         The Parker boy was silent for a moment and he knew that he was right. The end was near. The end to good times and bad ones, end to their relationship. It was for the best. "Yeah," Peter admitted to him, "I just – I can't keep hiding."

         "I know," he told his boyfriend. Or, ex-boyfriend now.

         "I don't wanna break up with you, Gar, I wanna stay with you but I can't keep doing this. I don't wanna be your dirty little secret that you keep locked in your room. I can't keep lying to everyone constantly. I can't keep being Boyfriend Peter at your house but then School Peter everywhere else. I can't keep pretending that we don't know each other and that we haven't kissed or that I'm not your boyfriend. I just can't."

         But he already knew that. He knew this was coming and he knew that it was happening now, he had decided this, but it still hurt. It hurt to hear his own words against him – Boyfriend and School Peter, Icarus and the Golden Boy – and know that it had hurt Peter more than he had known before.

         And he felt so guilty for it.

         "I want to be with you. I want to be out and public but you aren't ready so I'm gonna push you, but I can't stay," Peter told him, looking into his eyes with a deep regret. Of course Peter felt guilty for doing something that would benefit himself but hurt him. Of course. That was so like him and that was exactly why he fell for the boy.

         "I'm sorry."

         Peter sighed, "I know you are, and I am too. But I just – I need for it all to stop. Maybe one day we can try it all again when you're ready to be out."

         And then it happened; Peter was walking away. Peter was walking out the bathroom door and out of his life. He wouldn't have to lie about being single anymore, but he would always feel the loneliness and guilt of knowing that it was all his fault that this had ended.

         That Peter was walking out of the door because he was too scared to say anything, to do anything. He was too scared to be out and open because he didn't want to disappoint anyone. Disappoint his father who called Peter's sexuality – and his own, without the man knowing – an illness and though that Peter would infect him with it. No, he didn't care. He was already disappointing him and he didn't care. He didn't care. He didn't care.

         That man could burn in hell with all his wishes. Peter meant something to him, Peter made him happy and he didn't care if he was ill. He didn't care if he was throwing everything away. The bell rang and lunch was over but he didn't care. He didn't care, he didn't care, he didn't care.

         Because Peter was important. Clayton knowing was important; the play was important. Being free was important. Fuck all those hopes of college and being himself there. That was always a lie and he didn't want to lie anymore. Fuck the Golden Boy – fuck Icarus. He wanted to be Garrett Lockwood – just Garrett Lockwood. And he didn't care who he disappointed.

         He didn't care, he didn't care, he didn't care.

         Without realizing it, he was moving out of the bathroom. People were in the hallway and he could still see Peter. He was walking away from everything but he didn't want that. He wanted to stay with Peter and he wanted to be free. He didn't care anymore; he wasn't scared.

         "I'M GAY!" he exclaimed and everything stopped.

         He didn't care, though. He didn't care, he didn't care, he didn't care.

two chapters and an epilogue left!