〖 chapter six ⋆ say goodbye 〗

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

He had to talk to Peter, tell him that the kiss was so wrong and that they couldn't do it again. He couldn't keep living this life of sin, carrying this weight around that anchored him down and left him feeling just so terrible. He had to let go and be who he was supposed to be, that person didn't include Peter or any of what he felt for the boy.

And his feelings? Oh, those were terribly wrong. He knew that, he knew too well that his feelings were Peter were wrong because they were directed to another boy and not a girl. He should be thinking of Maddie like that or some other girl but not Peter. But how could he not? When Peter shyly smiled up at him, sheepish, mumbling over his words are they ran together as he rambled on and on about conspiracy theories.

There was so much more. Peter, during school, when he would always mumble the answers to questions under his breathe because even though he knew it he didn't want to announce it for all the class to hear, showing off just how smart he was. Peter who played with the friendship bracelet that Michelle made him although she didn't call it that. Peter who stared so innocently back up at him with those doe brown eyes.

It was awful, completely awful that he was falling way too fast for those eyes, but he couldn't help it. It was Peter and he was just so easy to fall for even if it was wrong. Even if that wasn't who he was, he wasn't a sinner – he didn't sin like that.

So it had to end. He had to put down his foot and break all ties with the boy because he was too tempting and staying close would only damage him in the future. He had a plan, his whole life set out, and Peter was not a part of that. He was going to become a lawyer like his father, just as it was planned for it. Easy. Simple. He didn't have to ponder like others what they truly wanted because his was already set in stone, he didn't need to think about that.

But he was getting off track. He was involving himself with someone who would only bring bad things into his life and he couldn't have that. He couldn't have Peter; he had to say goodbye.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Garrett preferred showers over bathes. Most people did, bathes made people uncomfortable with the knowledge that they sat in their own filth for long periods of time in lukewarm water that progressively got colder as time went on. Those who did prefer bathes would argue that the filth they had been soaking in dripped away when the stood up and dried off but Garrett still didn't fully believe them.

But he was someone who never liked bathes – even those on a Friday night with music playing and candles with bubbles covering the water that was usually depicted in films. Even those seemed treacherous. But under the scolding water of a shower, he closed his eyes and let himself fade away, trying to relax his muscles.

Peter was set to come over. It troubled him greatly even though it shouldn't. Peter Parker who his perfectly tussled hair that he had always had at night, a contrast to the neatly combed style he adorned at school. Garrett preferred the messy style more, it suited him and made him look a lot hotter. But Peter was a problem in his life, he was.

He was a problem because he made Garrett feel ways that were predetermined as wrong yet he couldn't stop himself from feeling the way he did. He still liked Peter, still loved the way he looked and how patient he was. But patient was a loose term, because while Peter wanted him to accept himself before going public with their relationship, fine for now with keeping it a secret, he wouldn't always be that way and Garrett knew it.

Peter wanted public affection, he wanted pet names and kisses to the cheek. He wanted dates where they would kiss over the tables and so many more cheesy things and Garrett wasn't giving him that. It was only a matter of time before Peter wouldn't be able to stick around and wait because there would be no progress made and he would still be hiding. College, he thought, he could wait until college to be free.

But Peter was fine for now, he was staying for now, and Garrett would hold on for as long as he could to this wonderful light in his life. Even if it tormented him on the inside, ripping him apart internally as he waged a war between the Golden Boy and Icarus. He would do it all for Peter, he would.

The water continued to clash down onto his back and he spit out some of it. He wouldn't stay in there forever no matter how tempting it was.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Peter agreed to meet him that night outside of the ice cream parlor. He had a speech prepared, telling Peter that it was over and best for them to part ways. That he couldn't do it, he couldn't keep kissing Peter and live with himself. He had to end things before they started, he couldn't let himself go on.

There was a cigarette between his lips and he looked out to the streets, nerves overtaking him. It would all be okay. Maybe he would smile less for a while, this joy from his life gone, but it would be okay in the long run. It would be for the best. He didn't need Peter in his life, it was better for him to let the boy go and get back on track. He had a future awaiting him, a future without Peter.

His leg started to bounce and he blew out a puff of smoke. There was a couple walking across the street holding hands and smiling at each other. They looked so in love and he felt sick. How could they be so happy together? He would never have that, he would never be able to revel in a moment with his significant other because it was all so wrong. It had to be so wrong.

And that was why he had to end things – that was why he had to say goodbye. It was for the best, even if he wanted to stay Peter wouldn't want him. He was too much trouble, he had too many problems just waiting to pounce on him and Peter didn't deserve that. He was too innocent, too little. He didn't want to place all these troubles on him so it was best to just never let him know in the first place.

It was best to say goodbye and move on. Find a nice girl down the line and start a family, make his father proud. Live the life his father always wanted him to have even if he would always think back to these days and wonder – maybe even regret it. No, he wouldn't regret it because this was for the best. For both of them.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

He dried off quickly and went to change. It didn't take long and soon he was dressed in comfortable clothing waiting for his boyfriend. Boyfriend. What a term. He loved it and hated it, it was probably something he should just hate and he had for a while. He had for a long time. But maybe it was okay, Peter wasn't wrong. Maybe.

Garrett didn't have long to wait before Peter knocked on his window, smiling at him as he rushed to open it and let the boy in. Closing the window again, Garrett turned around to face the boy and kissed him. God, how he missed those lips. It had been too long since they had last gotten time along, too long since he had been able to revel in them.

"Hey there," Peter greeted as they pulled away and he grinned back at the boy.

"Hey," he said back, "Glad you could make it."

"Of course I could. I'll always come when you need me," Peter said seriously and his heart clenched.

Peter was too good for him, that was true. It had always been known to him, how patient the boy could be, how loving. He loved it, but he also hated it. Because he was not like Peter, he didn't go when the boy needed him; he strayed away. He couldn't defend his boyfriend at school at lunch or when Flash decided to get in his face, he stayed back and watched.

And for a time, he didn't even care. Now his heart would clench and he would think of everything he could say but never would. He never would because he was such a coward, lost in the shadows. Wanting to be lost in the shadows. But Peter...he would always come whenever Garrett asked him, he would always be there and be whatever Garrett asked of him even if it damaged him.

It was wonderfully awful, something he wished he could reciprocate. But he couldn't. He wouldn't.

"I know," Garrett whispered, trying to keep the strain out of his voice. He backed out to look down, "And I'm sorry."

Peter frowned, "For what? You haven't done anything wrong."

"But I have – I am. I-I don't do that, Peter, and you know that. I don't do that and you do and you will, I'm sorry," Garrett apologized, wishing he could articulate further but the words leaving him.

"Hey, hey," Peter said softly, closing the gap between them again, "It's okay. I don't expect you too – I haven't asked you too."

He kissed him again and while it was wonderful for a moment, it felt terribly wrong. Peter didn't expect him to defend him, didn't expect anything from him and that made him feel so terrible. Peter, who was willing to wait and keep quiet about their relationship, didn't expect him to do anything that extreme.

God, he was a terrible human being and he most definitely didn't deserve Peter.

"I still feel bad," Garrett mumbled against his lips but Peter shushed him again with another kiss. How intoxicating.

"Don't. I don't want you to feel bad because there's no reason," and even though he said it, Garrett didn't believe him. There was a list of reasons to feel bad, starting with the fact that he knew Peter wanted something more and didn't have it. Because of him.

"There is," Garrett insisted, "I ask so much of you and I-I haven't returned that. You have just so good for me and I'm sorry that you're stuck with me."

Peter frowned, "I'm not stuck with you, Gar, I'm with you because I want to be. Don't think that I'm stuck."

"But you want more. I've seen the way you look at other couples, I've seen the way you look at me at school. It's sad, Peter, and I can't give you any of it," Garrett brought up.

Too much was happening and he knew it was his fault. He was bringing up too many things they had left in the air, to silence, because it was easier. Not addressing the problem meant that it didn't exist, he didn't have to fight with Peter about it. But he couldn't stop himself because he didn't deserve Peter, the boy needed someone better than him.

The effect of lunch was still washing over him and he still felt so angry at everything – at the guy who hit on his sister, at Chuck, and especially at himself. He was such an asshole who threw everyone under the bus and didn't care about anyone else. Not even his boyfriend. How shitty.

Peter looked downcast and he knew that he brought up a good point. A terrible point and he hated himself but it was too late to take it back. "Just drop it, Garrett, let's not talk about that," Peter muttered and he hated himself even more.

He didn't know who he was, who he was playing. Icarus would never jeopardize time with Peter, it was much too valuable. The Golden Boy ignored Peter and turned him away but this wasn't exactly that. He didn't know who he was playing at the moment he just knew that it needed to stop but he couldn't. He couldn't let go and he wanted to, he wanted to say goodbye but he couldn't. All he knew was that he was a terrible person who deserved to be alone and rot in hell for his sins.

"But we need to," Garrett insisted again.

"I don't want to," Peter snapped, the first time that Garrett had seen him do that, "I just want to enjoy having you."

He hated the implication that he didn't always have Garrett. He hated how it was true. He hated that he made Peter mad and sad. He hated that he was a terrible human being who couldn't help himself, he hated that he couldn't say goodbye. He hated a lot of things about himself.

But he didn't even know who he was as he nodded and kissed Peter again to say sorry.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

Peter arrived and he blew out another ring of smoke. The Parker boy wrinkled up his nose, "You smoke?"

He nodded, not turning his head to look at the boy. Looking would be his downfall, everything would melt away and he would forget about what he had to do. "Yeah, that a problem?" he hoped that it was, maybe then Peter would walk away and he wouldn't have to.

Peter shook his head and shrugged, "Just surprised. Didn't know that star soccer player Garrett Lockwood smoked."

He rolled his eyes at the teasing, still not looking over. There was a nice silence between them as he continued to smoke and Peter watched. He saw the cars pass by and people continue to walk without a care about the two boys by the closed ice cream parlor. He wished it was always like that, he wished that no matter what he did no one would notice. It would so much easier.

"So, uh," Peter started, shuffling around nervously and picking at the friendship bracelet on his wrist, "What did you wanna talk about?"

Smashing the cigarette, he looked over at the Parker boy for the first time for a moment. How pure. How terribly pure and how terrible. Just terrible.

"I shouldn't have kissed you the other night," he stated, going back to look at the people across the street. There was a woman on the phone yelling and holding the hand of her child, presumably. "It was a mistake and I wasn't thinking clearly."

"Oh," Peter breathed out and he could hear the crack in the boy's voice. Guilt began to pool and he was already regretting saying anything but it had to happen, he couldn't let himself pretend. "I just – I thought – well, why did you kiss me?"

"Does it matter?" he snuck a look over at the boy, seeing the broken look on his face full of pain and confusion and he hated himself, "It was a mistake and it didn't mean anything. Sorry for making you think it over did."

"It's okay," Peter responded and fuck, how could he be okay? "I should've known to never get involved with someone like you."

It felt like a kick in the balls when he said that. Someone like you. An asshole, probably, someone who couldn't even be truthful with themselves. He swallowed. "Yeah," he agreed.

"Guess I'm not as smart as everyone says," Peter chuckled to himself and he squeezed his eyes shut.

"You're smart. I just – I can't be anything with you," he said, "It's not right. I can't do it."

"I understand."

His heart hurt.

"Sorry that I kissed you back," Peter continued.

He felt like he was being brutally beaten.

"I never meant for you to feel like it was wrong. I should've known you were going to regret it. Sorry I let you make a mistake," Peter apologized and he wasn't sure if the boy was being spiteful or sincere.

It didn't matter because it made him hurt all the same. "It's not who I am," he responded.

"That's okay. Everyone's different," Peter said, leaning against the building, "I just wish you could be open with who you are. It's a freeing experience."

He scoffed, "I don't believe you."

"That's okay," Peter said back but he didn't like it was. Nothing felt okay, and he thought for a moment that it never would.