"I never meant to make it such a mess.

I never meant to go this far."

I block my ears and stay in my curled up state. I hate hearing his stupid excuses, his stupid, stupid, stupid excuses. I felt his hand on my shoulder, but I push him away. "Go away, Gamzee." 

So I just stand here, sorry.

Searching for something to say.

Something to say."

"No, go away!" I shout. "You ruined this, you ruined all of this." "PlEaSe, Y/n, LiStEn To Me." He pleads. His face paint was melting off his face and running down. He looks so miserable. Maybe I can forgive him... "No, no, no, no!" I yell. I feel hot, angry tears pour out of my eyes and I stuff my fingers into my eyes. 

"Words fail, words fail.

There's nothing I can say."

"Y/n, PlEaSe, I lOvE yOu!" He yells desperately, just enough for me to hear through the blockage. "You love me?" I yell back. "You, the person who cheated and ignored and left me, loves me?" Gamzee looked at me heartbroken and I glare at him. "God, can't you see you went wrong?"

"I guess I thought I could be part of this.

I never had this kind of thing before.

I never had that perfect girl,

Who somehow could see the good part of me."

I run my hands through my hair and sit back down. "I love you, no, loved you and you said you loved me back without realizing that you ruined me. My brother's dead, you know, and I thought that you knew what I felt, the pain that was here." I laugh bitterly. "But you definitely didn't show that did you?" Gamzee looked like he got slapped in the face. Good. He wrecked my family and mocked my pain.

"I never had the dad who stuck it out.

No corny jokes or baseball gloves,

No mom who just was there

'Cause mom was all that she had to be."

"I tHoUgHt I cOuLd FiT iN wItH iT aLl." He mumbled. "All of what?" "AlL oF tHiS!" He waved his arms about the room, and I look around. Pictures of us, pictures of my family, pictures of. Pictures of B/n. I wipe away tears. "i WaNtEd ThE pErFeCt LifE yOu HaD." I laugh again. "What perfect life? My brother who suffered from depression who is now dead, parents who loved him only for publicity, and now a lying boyfriend who only cared for himself." "i WaNt YoU!" He yelled.

"I never had the dad who stuck it out

No corny jokes or baseball gloves

No mom who just was there

'Cause mom was all that she had to be."

"i ThOuGhT i CoUlD sOlVe EvErYtHiNg WiTh ThE wEbSiTe AnD mOtHeRfUcKiN eVeRyThInG." I refuse to look at him. He puts his hand on my shoulder and turns me around. I keep my eyes at our shoes. 

"That's not a worthy explanation

I know there is none

Nothing can make sense of all these things 

I've done."

"i KnOw I dId SoMeThInG bAd, So BaD." I look up to his leaking violet eyes. I can't fall for them, he hurt me, he shattered my family. "bUt I cAn MaKe It AlL gO aWaY, iF yOu WaNt." He smiled but it faltered when he saw my ashen face. "I want you to go away." "No, LiStEn To Me!"

"Words fail, words fail

There's nothing I can say

Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted

And sometimes, you see everything you wish you had

And it's right there, right there, right there
In front of you."

I shattered him. He looked so frozen. All he wanted was a legitimate family. He wants me, he wanted to be the person of the story. But he can't. He can't force himself to be the savior, because sometimes you can't, and that's okay. Because of the depression and anxiety that B/n had, he killed himself and I won't ever shame anyone who has done that because they needed to feel that escape. But he took that, he took that and made it even worse for someone that I loved so dearly. How can't I forgive him for that?

"And you want to believe it's true

So you... make it true

And you think maybe everybody wants it

And needs it... a little bit... too."

I know that feeling, the urge to make your own story out of everything, but somethings need to be untouched. Gamzee unknowingly hurt not only me and my family, but himself and  I don't know how anyone can cope with that. How am I to help him for his own crime? "I cAn'T fOrCe YoU tO lOvE mE AnYmOrE. a-AnD i kNoW tHaT i HuRt YoU, oH mY y/N, i HurT yOu So BaD." He rubbed his eyes, exhausted. "i DoN't KnOw HoW i CaN eVeN sOlVe ThIs MeSs."

"This was just a sad invention

It wasn't real, I know

But we were happy

I guess I couldn't let that go

I guess I couldn't give that up

I guess I wanted to believe

'Cause if I just believe

Then I don't have to see what's really there."

"I cOuLdN't FiNd A wAy To EnD iT AlL." I shake my head, but place it on his chest. He hugs me tight and I can feel his tears drip onto my head and I can't hold my tears and everything is just awful. I can't forgive him, but I want to. Oh, I want to so bad.

"No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than

These broken parts

Pretend I'm something other than

This mess that I am

'Cause then I don't have to look at it

And no one gets to look at it

No, no one can really see."

"i Am So BrOkEn AnD i ThOuGhT yOu GuYs CoUlD fIx It AlL." He rocks us both and our sobs echoed in the empty and silent room. I can't do anything but stay with him, stay with this mess who said he loved me and tried to show it, but couldn't.

"'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake

Before I even turn the key

Before I make the mistake

Before I lead with the worst of me

I never let them see the worst of me."

"i DiDn'T wAnT yOu To SeE hOw PaThEtIc I aM." He squeezed me tighter and I bury deeper into his chest. "i HaTe MySeLf AnD eVeRyThInG i'Ve DoNe."

"'Cause what if everyone saw?

What if everyone knew?

Would they like what they saw?

Or would they hate it too?

Will I just keep on running away from what's true?"

"CaN't YoU sEe?" He murmured. "I cAn'T dO aNyThInG bUt LiE. i CaN't Be WhAt YoU nEeD. i NeEd To Be GoNe AnD aWaY fRoM yOu." I nod my head and lift my head form my chest. "Step into the sun." I whisper. A lyric from a song we listened to and loved so dearly. "Step into the sun, and let me have time."

"All I ever do is run
So how do I step in
Step into the sun?
Step into the sun."

He nods and I kiss him sweetly once more. I can taste his tears on his lips; salty and full of regret. He steps away from me and exits the room. All I can do is watch his hand slip over the knob of the door and watch the door close behind him. I fall to the ground and sob, scream almost. Ho will I ever forgive the love of my life who hurt me so badly? 

Why couldn't I have everything good for once? 

Why can't I just have everyone I love? 

Why is life so unfair?

**I have to admit I cried when writing this and I cried while listening to the song. It's a song that definitely hit hard, and the musical overall really struck a chord with me that made me lose sleep and sanity. Hope you enjoyed! Bye.**