This wasn't going as planned. Why was it that, whenever everyone got together, it couldn't just be a nice gathering among friends? Something always went wrong, and usually it began with teasing that escalated into a fight. The occupants varied each time, as did the level of injury obtained by one or both parties, but Dave was really hoping that this time would be different. He already had a headache blossoming, and the bickering between Vriska, Terezi, and his boyfriend made the whole ordeal even more unbearable today. 
Speaking of which, his loudmouthed matesprit was right on cue to shake Dave from his wallowing. He watched helplessly as said matesprit, one Karkat Vantas, slammed his small fists on their table outside the small café they'd all agreed to meet at for coffee. He was spitting out insults faster than his brain could process. What were they even yelling about again? Karkat's height? His foul language? Dave couldn't remember. He tried to pay attention to what his boyfriend was cursing about this time.
He caught Karkat mid-rant. His hands were flailing wildly as the Scourage Sisters cackled so hard tears poured from their eyes. "--and I don't know what the fresh fuck you could be laughing at! Do you honestly think your stupid jokes are that funny?!"
Though he had no idea what the joke had been, Dave decided to intervene. "Yo, relax, babe. People are staring. Besides, they're doing it to get a rise out of you. You keep reacting, so they keep pressing. Or maybe they're doing it because they think you're hot shit. Can't contain those raging lady boners forever. Can't say I blame them. But what do I know?" He mused, allowing a smirk to grace his lips as his boyfriend's face flared an even darker shade of red than before.
Casting Dave a vicious glare, which was a usual between them when he said something stupid, Karkat hissed between gritted teeth, "Apparently nothing. Haven't you been paying attention? Aren't you furious?! They're making fun of something that's not fucking funny in the slightest!"
Dave offered a shrug and a half smile. "Guilty as charged. Enlighten me."
For the first time since the fight broke out, Karkat lowered his voice just slightly. "They said I was a screamer and that I couldn't top you because of 'complications'."
"Oh." He couldn't help but snort and quirk an eyebrow at the fiery troll. "What do you mean 'complications'?"
Karkat opened his mouth to bark out a retort, but Vriska beat him to the punch. "By complications, we mean that he's too small. You wouldn't feel a thing."
"Or that he can't get it up. But I bet you don't have a problem with either of those things, do you, Dave?" Terezi purred with a flirty wink.
"I don't know about all tha-- Oh my god, Karkat. No. Dude, what are you--" Dave gripped Karkat, who was knocking  over chairs left and right as he wildly swiped his claws at the girls, by the collar of his sweater and yanked him off the table, which he was attempting to climb over to get to them. He had to wrap his arms securely around his mate's abdomen, successfully pinning his arms down to his sides as Karkat struggled to free himself, snarling profanities all the while. The girls were back to their wicked laughter at the display.
Tears pricked the small trolls eyes as he thrashed around. "Let me go! This is humiliating! Why the hell aren't you doing anything?!"
Sighing softly, Dave tightened his grip further. "Relax, Karkat. This isn't fight club. Relax and I'll let you go." It took a minute, but Karkat finally ceased his wriggling in favor of pouting with scarlet cheeks, his face buried in Dave's arm. The human turned the poor troll around to face him and tilted his chin up, pecking his lips gently. "Relax. I'll handle things here. Grab your stuff and wait for me around the other side of the building. Okay?" The smaller of the two said not a word, meekly nodding in response. He gathered his things and silently rounded the side of the building.
Dave watched him the whole way, only turning to face the girls once he was out of sight. Was he pissed? Definitely. Sure, Karkat managed to pick a lot of fights. That was one thing, and he could normally handle his own in situations like that. It was another thing, however, for him to lose control like that, especially in a public place.
It was obvious that the girls knew they crossed the line. They glanced between one another uneasily as Dave stared them down coldly from behind his shades. He then picked up Karkat's drink, an iced caramel coffee, and his own drink, a mocha frappe, and popped off the lids. "You know, normally I don't get involved in trivial bullshit like this. Today is an exception. Today will be the only exception. So, just to make sure we understand each other, I'm going to teach you two a lesson." He took the drinks and promptly dumped them over the girls' heads. They screeched as the icy beverages were poured over them, both glaring at Dave just as coldly. He smiled as he set the empty cups down on the table. "I think we're all on the same page now, right, ladies?"
"Yeah. Crystal clear," Vriska snarked through chattering teeth.
"Good," Dave deadpanned, tossing some napkins at them and collecting his phone and wallet. "Then clean yourselves up." Ignoring the gawking eyes of the people around them and his bewildered friends, he made his way to the corner of the building where his disobedient boyfriend was waiting. Dave took Karkat's hand and led him down the sidewalk on the path that would lead the duo home. "I wouldn't worry about another mishap. I think they know better than to mess with you now."
Though it was obvious Karkat wanted to argue and defend himself, he decided to let this one go. He instead nuzzled his face into Dave's arm and grumbled, "You're kind of stupidly hot when you're angry like that."
"Yeah?" The human mused, his tone much more playful than before. "You could always repay me when we get home." He then leant down to Karkat's pointed ear and whispered in a low drawl, "You could even prove them wrong if you really wanted to." Dave watched his lover's eyes light up as their pace quickened, Karkat practically pulling him along.

He could get used to playing the defensive boyfriend.

~ ~ ~

This is as good as it'll get probably. Also: Everything is about sex except when it's sex. <== From a book I read about reading literature. Keep that in mind.

~L3X1B1RD~