Days turned into weeks, months, memories and smiles.

Sometimes he would completely forget about his past and how dark it is. In beautiful mist of happiness she was able to create so easily and effortlessly he would forget to breathe sometimes. But ghosts from the past never leave completely and he was so aware of that lately.

May,his month,smells like roses and his birthday cake. It's painted into lively colours of her dresses and navy blue of polo shirts,Chanyeol was into lately. It seems like his life has some traces of harmony finally. But why is he so dead inside then?

Like a desert,just his cactus' still inhabiting it,his mind and soul started drifting into darkness of depression again. Under that permanent stigma of death he couldn't not become tainted by its dirt and heavy feelings it carries. So he felt he is sinking deeper then ever into something he can't name.

Warmth. Sun and her face almost covered by her hat. He is smiling again. That is how another month was going to its end as Baekhyun was becoming more and more silent and sick.
His guilt and sympathy were eating him inside,pain was carving smiles onto his face and,lately,his fingers were always blue from ink. He was writing restlessly. The book became his obsession. Their story became his shield,his smile,his mask and shelter.
He felt it won't last for much longer.

He knew.

So he was trying to write down every beautiful moment and memory they made. And those were countless because Sora was like a magic that happens only once in life. He isn't lucky in this life.

Some people just don't know how to make magic last longer because they think the don't deserve it.

She came into his life to play with his heart and leave,leaving him broken. That is what destiny has planned for him. He knew that the moment he saw her. Long hair and big,dreamy eyes-so different from girls he likes yet he fell in love so quickly. And started loving even quicker.

But with love came pain. Noone knew that he is suffering and dying inside because he was happier than ever. Smile was always decorating his face,he laughed and joked. He and Chan started hanging out at Sundays again,with beer and Chayeol's talks about Emily,who is about to be his girlfriend soon it seems. Baekhyun was there to listen and be happy because of his friend's excitement.
He was there for Sora who decided to start going to university again and become teacher one day. He was there for them.
He was there for Chanyeol's mother to help her with their beautiful garden when Chanyeol was too busy. He was there to play with children in the park,with cats of his house owner. He went to market to buy roses for his mother.

He was there for everyone,to help and cheer,except for himself.

When he was on his own he wrote. He ran into their past so the present won't hurt him.

May was passing with beautiful sunsets above Soul,peaceful mornings by Han river and with smell of summer that was coming slowly in every breath of hot and dry air.

"First days of May came in a rush of weather becoming unbearably hot and dry,and roses in all gardens blooming.
Baekhyun was usually writing by the river early in the mornings then he'd go to meet few magazine editors almost every day to give in his work. He was writing for more magazines now and about various topics which was interesting and also more profitable.
Sora was always around his apartment like it's her own already. She would always find excuses. She watered plants,cooked,studied and did all the little things she could without irritating him,just to be close to him as much as she could. He could feel that she is scared. She is terrified of him drifting away. And he knew that but still he just let himself go into darkness every once in a while,moving away from her,hurting them both.

But there were days when he'd completely forget about all his worries and ghosts from the past. On those days he was content and her face was glowing.
It's strange how much pain he causes her yet she is always there,never letting go,not even for a moment.

"I love you" he would think few times,every day. And he would fall endlessly deep into something he was afraid to name,because it was painful and strangely calming at the same time.

One day before his birthday he could feel her tension and excitement.
Chanyeol was giving him hints that she's preparing something and Baekhyun became impatient. Slight trembling wouldn't leave his stomach tonight. Her fingers in his hair,his head on her lap and smell of her hair dancing around them on warm,night breeze.

'This is how home feels like.' he thought as her fingers were going through his hair gently, making him feel like he's in heaven. She was humming quietly,looking somewhere above city lights in faraway sight and he was following every little gesture. So elegant and simple,her lips were moving just so slightly showing her cute teeth. Her cheeks,like two rosy mountains hid her eyes and he could feel how smooth the surface of her skin is hugged by pale moonlight.

Inhaling deeply slight smell of jasmine dancing on the wind same as her dark hair,mixed with smell of trash and wet ground that was permanent in her street,he almost fell asleep in this dream like state.

"Tomorrow is your birthday." she stated a bit worried.

"Yeah. Chanyeol has a big mouth."

She chucked and looked at his face with adoration in her eyes.

"I'd kill you both if he didn't tell me."

"It's a day like any other. Hundreds of people were born on that day same as I. I don't like celebrating it."

For a moment his mind drifted into time when his mother would bake a cake for him,when his father wasn't alcoholic,when he enjoyed celebrating his birthday.

"I want to celebrate it. In my eyes you are the only one,so that day is special."she smiled again placing her gaze at something far away,her face showered in moonlight and peace.

"My mother used to say that,with the exact same words."

"What happened to her?"she asked very carefully seeing the pained expression on his face.

"Are you ready for a sad story?"

"I know only for sad stories."

He was silent for a moment,taking time to comprehend her words.

"Well we can say that she was the most important person in my life for my whole life. Almost everything I learned I learned from her. She used to smile almost always,even when it was hard to keep even calm face. So strong she led me through my childhood and youth prompting me to smile at my problems. To smile at girls and elders. To be polite and gentle. To like celebrating my birthday. " his voice died in his throat for a moment and burning feeling of tears welling up overwhelmed him. Her hand caressed his cheek softly,giving him time.

"Then one day.." his voice trembled but he didn't let tears to flow,not now. "One day I found her and my father crying in the living room,not even trying to hide tears in front of me. I was just finished university and thinking about taking the job of a teacher they had offered me.
It turned out that she had a cancer for a while and wasn't telling us. I was devastated.
It's been three years since she died."

He finished quickly not wanting to start crying in this beautiful moment of vulnerability. Her eyes were glistering with tears and her beautiful lost it's previous glow.

"Seems that she was an amazing person and wonderful mother. Thank you for telling me this."

Everything he is hiding from her came to his mind and it felt like someone is gripping onto his insides leaving him breathless and sick. His eyes were burning and strong wave of fear washed over him in a moment making him almost jump and wrap his arms around her strongly.

"Thank you for being there to listen." he said with calm voice full of gratitude burying his face more into her hair,tears burning in his eyes.
'You deserve to know so much more.Everything.' he thought. 'You deserve to be loved madly,without limits. Without these stupid limits I made. Without this guilt. And I don't deserve you.'

"I will always be here. I love you." he could imagine her smiling with sparkles in her eyes.
And he felt his world stopping for a moment. Instead of disappearing his anxiety just got worse and air left his lungs. Poor excitement he should feel got suffocated but enormous fear and pain. It's like he felt pain in advance because he knew that this relationship will break at some point and that made him anxious. His hands were already shaking but he tried to cover that by tangling them into her hair and kissing her with all the passion and affection she deserves. With all love he feels but is unable to put into words. But it seems that he failed because she pulled away quickly leaving him inhaling deeply and for a moment losing ability to think and feel,completely paralyzing as he realized he should say what he feels. Explaining his mind right now would mean destroying every beautiful moment she created,every fragile of this house of cards he's protecting with his tears and pain.

"I..."

"Shh..." she placed her finger on his lips.
"I know...Happy birthday Baekhyun."

Again he was left speechless. Again he thought just how much he is lucky to have her.
And again he found himself running away from her kiss,out of her embrace before he could do something he wants so much. He ran away out of that dream before guilt could grip his heart that was already at the edge of breaking into million pieces.

Before sun rays could,sound of his phone ringing woke him up that beautiful morning of the day he was born, 29 years ago. Barely opening his eyes he just took his phone from the floor and somehow managed to answer it.

"Good morning!" she sang from the other side pure happiness transmitting onto him too.
Blinding light was dancing on walls and floor, coming into his eyes and warming his bare arms.

"Mhmm. Morning..." his voice sounded terrible.

"Get ready i am taking you on a date."

"You are taking me out? okay...Where?"

"You'll see."

"Hmm...So mysterious. Where are you now?"

"In front of your door."

"What? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you come in?"

Her melodious laugh echoed from the phone,then in the hall coming closer and closer. And before he could hang up she was standing in front of him hugged by long white dress. her face framed into bunch of brown curls,shining pure gold of morning's sunrays coming through opened window. Never,not even in dreams,she was so beautiful.

"Come on. Wake up already. We must hurry ."

"I am trying.." words simply disappeared from his lips,his mind lost in half dream he was still in. Everything was so blur and scattered all over the place-dust dancing on morning's light,papers on his desk and her hair on his neck as her arms welcomed him into new day.

His birthday.

The day his mother smiled the most. His father would drink just to celebrate. Just for that one,simple reason. And all of that is gone now.

But this what he's feeling now,being in her arms is something he is ready to embrace for the rest of his life. And although he feels like he is losing himself and everything is falling apart day by day,this feeling of being in right place calms him. And he is peaceful for a moment. Drowning in smell of her hair.

"Can I not wake up yet?"

"Less talking,more walking. Bathroom,dressing and then we go."

"You're so mean." his pout and baby talk didn't help. Her face stayed playfully stern but she started out laughing when his body directed towards bathroom,almost painfully slowly. And even though like someone was making him to wake up an jump into clothes she picked up he was ready in ten minutes.

If someone has told him that she will take him to the most beautiful place on Earth for his birthday he wouldn't believe that place like that exist in Seoul. But she managed to find little meadow just outside the city with beautiful,high grass and bees flying around. May in its full glory was dancing above this place in colours of wild flowers and smell of morning's dew still here and there shining on sun. He inhaled deeply to remember the smell of her present.

And as she was setting up the blanket and all the food she brought he was just wandering around the field like a lost child,his mind completely empty. His fingers brushing against grass that reached almost his waist,his feet stepping slowly onto small world under his shoes and with his eyes closed he almost fell asleep again. But pair of arms hugging him from the back and small face pressed against him made him stop. It made everything stop. But them small,devilish fingers started traveling up end down his stomach and his sides tickling him till he couldn't laugh anymore. Their bodies hit the ground and tangled into wild flowers,she never stopping her actions that made him beg already as tears started flowing from his eyes.

"Please stop...I can't laugh anymore,my stomach hurts."

"But you are so cute."

"You are torturing me woman."

"Okay,okay. Let's eat man."

As the were eating slowly sun was reaching its peak at the sky warming everything to the point of boiling. His hair started sticking to his forehead as he felt his face getting tanned already.

Her nose and cheeks were red from heat and her curls were messily tied into a bun long time ago. Seeing her like that made him smile. Not because she is pretty but because she is so precious in every state. Even when she's not caring about her action or deliberately fooling around he would smile. Even when she was intentionally seducing him with little gestures and touches he would smile internally even though it made him burn with desire and pain.

He is always smiling around her. It became his habit.

"Why are you smiling so much? Am I funny?" her eyes trying to stay on his but soon she averted her gaze to sky and burning sun.

"Not at all. You're adorable."

"Am I really?"

"Always." he quickly pecked her lips that tasted like sweet lemon. She just shyly giggled and adjusted straps of her dress.

"Pass me those peaches please."

Soon he regretted his actions because there was something so sensual about her eating sweet fruit, slowly biting as yellowish juice was sliding down her chin and hands. He felt hypnotized like a frog by a snake,seduced by her delicate moves,her closed eyes and heavy heated air surrounding them. And before warmth running through his body could grow he too started eating trying not to look at her.

"Did I say something wrong? You look all serious now..."

"No,not at all. I was just thinking how fortunate I am."

"You?" she smiled "I am the lucky one. Never in my life I had someone so gentle and honest by my side."

Her words hurt.

His heart started beating faster and it was hard to control his breathing.

He prayed for her not to notice the change in his behavior so he smiled and kissed her again. It seems like she didn't noticed as she tangled her finger into his hair and kissed back like there is no tomorrow.

He felt relief washing over him and his breathing calming just a bit as her lips traveled around his face kissing his cheeks and eyes.

He wanted to cry. To scream. Hiding truth from her became unbearable. It's suffocating and painful. But he stayed silent,because fear of losing her now was stronger than anything.

"And now is time for your present."

"Present? I thought all of this was my present."

"Silly. No. I prepared so much more. First these materialistic things. Here." she handed him blue box with beautiful bow on top of it.

Inside he found some books from his favorite authors which he wasn't able to find anywhere and his heart jumped from joy,smile covered his face and he did small gesture with his hands that resembled very excited child.

At the bottom of the box he found bracelet made of leather braids with silver plate with jasmine flower engraved on it. Warmth embraced his heart as he looked at unique gift that resembled her in so many ways.

"Do you like it? I know it's not much but.. Is the bracelet to stupid? I tried to make it as beautiful as I could but..."

"Just stop rambling! It's so beautiful. Wait! You made this?"

"Yeah. I mean silver plate is from the shop but i braided it and everything.."

"How amazing you are. Help me put it on. Ah I like it so much."

"Chanyeol told me you love symbolic and sentimental things so I somehow came up with this." she blushed slightly as her small fingers were fighting with string of her own creation.

"He has his fingers in everything and I don't know anything about that. That brat."

"He helped me with my other present too."she laughed.

"There's more? My poor heart."

"Yes. This could be a bit shocking,prepare yourself."

"You're taking me to Bahamas?"he smiled with false anticipation.

"No. It's more about...you may not be happy about it at all." at this point he was already giving he r serious questioning looks,his heart dying in excitement.

"We're becoming neighbors."

His jaw dropped to the floor as he tried to comprehend her words and clear his own feeling as he didn't know was he happy about that or not."

On his way back home with morning still awakening in wet grass and flowers in gardens he brought back the memories about process of her moving into apartment literally across the street from his. He smiled. There was a lot happening in that small,warm apartment even before it could be called home. He was there every day helping her. Sometimes they would just dance on dusty floor and eat chocolate all day. They kissed everywhere,he carried her around as she tried to tickle him. Those were some of the most beautiful days of their relationship.

Sometimes he would get so lost in the moment that it seemed like they were building their little house,piece by piece.

But when he was back to his lonely room every night,with glass of alcohol he'd realize that house he was dreaming was built of cards of delusion. And he would drink to forget but memories would become even more vivid.

With those beautiful moments on his mind tainted by bits of sadness he reached their street sooner than he expected.

Her silhouette dressed in black dress was walking slowly down the street with head on her chest and sorrowful surrounding her even from far away. He had to run to reach her.

"Miss where are you going this early in the morning?" he tried to call her but his playful voice died in his throat as soon as her eyes met his.

She was beyond sad and broken inside. After all he realized in that moment that some wounds never heal completely.

By just looking at her he didn't have to ask where she is headed to,anymore. Because her eyes were telling him everything. She had that look only when she was talking about one person.

About person that brought him this burning pain that won't pass,even though he didn't know him.

"Can I go with you?"

She just nodded and took his arm for support.

They reached cemetery soon,in silence and with tears in their eyes.

That was the same place where his mother was buried and it brought him sadness every time.

"My mom is here too."

"Really? We should pay her a visit too."

"Yeah,but first.."

"Today is his birthday." she smiled with sob tearing her throat apart but she didn't let tears flow.

"You know he was really angry that he was born in the middle of the Summer. Once it was so hot that his friends couldn't come to his party. Poor mom...He didn't talk to her for two days. He was a silly kid."

Tears were now streaming down his cheeks too as he felt guilt grip his heart to the point of physical pain.

"But he..he loved me more than anyone you know." she knealed down by her brother's grave and put the flowers under the plate on which was written: 'Kim Jongin,beloved son and brother,tragically died on 24th of August 2014.' His heart almost stopped when he saw his birth date- '1st of June 1996.'

"I was his best friend even when he was teenager. Noone could replace his noona." he hugged her shaking body as they both were crying.

"And he was my best friend. Although he was my half-brother and younger than me I talked with him about everything. He was a good person. Why this had to happen to him?"

He was at loos of words. He wanted to run away,to scream and cry until he dies in his misery. He wanted to tell her everything in this sacred place,but something was stopping him.

She needs him now more than ever.

He can't break her heart now. It is already broken.

"He danced...ballet...he was great...we dreamed about him becoming famous. I still remember the steps he taught me. I am terrible dancer but i danced with him. Our parents were so proud of him. He was normal kid,obedient and cheerful. His smile..." she choked for a moment. His heart was running away from him,from so much of pain."His smile was contagious...he was young...my strength..."

"I want to die on this day every year without him. Without them..."

His hear sank when her last words came to his mind.

"Them?" he had to ask. His mind was fogged by everything. She didn't like to talk about her brother or her family at all and he didn't ask. His selfish reasons and fears didn't let him form those questions.

"My..my mother."she was a bit calmer now. Maybe she prepared to tell him everything finally or she was just too tired of crying.

"What happened to her? Is she..?"

"She killed herself."her voice was cold like she is mad but in her eyes he could depth of pain she is going through.

"When police called us...we..she had to go to identify the body. She went inside...she didn't let me and my step-father go through that. When she came out her face was like stone. She just nodded her head and went home. We cried and shouted,I screamed so much but the pain would't go away. It was there,becoming stronger with every second I spent realizing that he is dead. That he won't call me,won't smile and pout at me.

You know it's actually my fault."

Although he was numb after her words he gathered enough strength to at least try to console her.

'It's all my fault. You are not fault angel.'

"No,no..don't say that. How could it be your fault..."

"That nigh I sent him to the shop...I was lazy and he wanted to repay me for helping him his homework. 'Noona you're going to be great teacher one day. I love you.' those are the last words he said to me. I sent him to buy me chewing gum,juice and pens. Stupid things. I should have ..."

"Shhh...it's not your fault."

"Next day my mother killed herself. She couldn't take it. She was not strong enough to go through that. After she went into that room she was silent. I...I was so angry and hurt...I didn't know what to feel...all my life was destroyed in one day. I was left with my step-father who left me after the funerals because I look resemble my mother too much.Poor man,he was suffering too. I was left alone."

In that moment,by looking at her teary eyes he realized how it feels to die alive. Because he didn't feel alive after her words. Nothing in him was functioning and he had strength just to hug her tighter than ever,because he felt he will fall apart in that moment on that place he has no right to be.

After going to cemetery she was better again. Few days of silently crying in corner far away from his sight and she was smiling again,because she was used to living with that pain. He couldn't live with pain and guilt anymore.

'Stop drinking. It's even more painful to say her everything now.' Chanyeol said.'It's already August Baek. You're dating for five months now. How will you survive break up? I know you'

But he couldn't walk anymore. It felt like everyone are looking at him,pointing their fingers,trying to stab him with their eyes. So he stopped going out. He stayed in his apartment for days,with bottle,his best friend. Chanyeol could't help and Baekhyun didn't want to bother him anymore.

She was mad and hurt,she kicked him and shouted sometimes because she was furious. She hated him for ruining his own health but that didn't matter.
There were days when she'll just silently sit by him,watching him,gripping his arm tightly like he'll disappear. He couldn't watch her in the eyes in times like that,because her actions were so pure even in her despair. And in her eyes he could see how much she wanted all of this to last. He wanted that too but it seemed like he wasn't able to express it.
She was loud loud lover,but silent fighter. That's why she fought for them wothout much words,especiallt when she realized it's useless.
And he was the opposite. It seemed that
All his love goes unnoticed because of his words.

And he could not say the most inport ant things out loud. His mind ad lips could not form sentences. He wanted her to know how nuch sorry he is for everything,but she didn't. She couldn't even imagine whiy he is so broken.

He wished millions of time just to forget,but he couldn't. Alcohol would justring back ghosts from past and everything was dancing in front of his eyes almost every night.

There were days when he'll smile and she was the happiest person in the world. He saw that by shine in her eyes. Those days were treasure he crushed with every drop he drank.

Even now,he was thinking about how cheerful she was the other day when they painted her apartment,with a bottle by his side,his phone uselessly ringing somewhere. The bottle was almost empty but he wasn't even close to being drunk. Sad smile plastered on his face as he reached to grab his phone but it was too far away. He laughed.' It must be Chanyeol' he thought,totally oblivious for date he had with Sora. But it came to his mind when she appeared on the door angry,with a phone still by her ear.

"Again?! Why Baekhyun? Why?"

"Because..."

"There is not a reason strong enough for you to become alcoholic. Don't do this.."

"I am not alcoholic like my father. I am a coward. Hurt and desperate...and guilty."

She was by his side in a moment as tears started coming down his face. She caressed his cheek,feeling rough surface of his non shewed skin. He looked terrible.

"What are you talking about? You never mention him...did he hurt you...please tell me...trust me please."

"You are going to hate me."

"There's not a reason strong enough to make me hate you." her hands held his face towards her strong eyes full of determination and tenderness.

"You know nothing. I.. I can't take it anymore. You must know."

"What Baekhyun? What happened? You're scaring me...."

"My father...he..he's in prison for...for killing your brother."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not the longest chapter I ever wrote but it was definitely the most difficult one.

It's pretty badly written but still give it some love....