" It's been seven days. Seven beautiful days. She came. Now everything is different. But different in a better way. Chanyeol and I are talking again. The spring has finally came in its biggest glow. And something strange happened to me.
Like I'm different too. Fixed. Complete. But still guilty. I am hidding again. Hidding behind my smiles that are genuine. Behind my words that are flowing beautifuly and endlessly whenever she is near. It's because that makes her smile. Or even laugh. My stupid words,lame jokes,serious statements about literature and shy comlimets directed to her. And I keep talking because her smile is like a drug. From the first time she smiled to me in that cafe,seven days ago, I became hopeless.
This is so wrong. So painful. How am I supoused to let go now? How am I supoused not to break her heart? My heart?
Chan keeps telling me that I should tell her as soon as possible.
"You're stepping on your heart by lying her. If she goes your heart will break into million pieces.", he says and he is right.
And it is all because of him. I hope he dies in that small prison cell because he deserves it. If I am in any way like him I would like to die too. If my eyes resemble his or I smile the same way I won't smile ever again. I hate him. He crushes my whole life with his existence and error. I wanna get away from this agony.
It feels like everything is better since I met her. Like she is the only one little sparkle shining in my life and making me a different person. If I lose her too..."

The pen fell from his trembling hand and rolled into darkness of his apartment that again feels lonely and suffocating.
What is he talking about? He knows her for a month, maybe less. They started talking only seven days ago and he feels butterflies dancing in his stomach and his hands shaking even by talking about her. And he talks a lot. To his best friend of course. Chanyeol's smile never leaves as he listens to his friend so passionately talking about a girl. A beautiful girl. Cute girl. Smart girl. Funny girl. Sad girl. About a girl Baekhyun regrets meeting and talking to. Reasons falling sadly from his mouth making his friend tap his shoulder,hug him and pity him somehow. Baekhyun felt all that. All those sad feeling lingering about Chanyeol's smile whenever he sees him and talks to him. That guilt in his sincere words because he doesn't know how to lie. All support he is giving him although he knows his friend is marching right into disaster and heartbreak.

But did he know that Baekhyun could not stand that. One more heartbreak and he feels like he would die. One more guilt and he will disappear in the complete darkness of despair and selfhate from where he won't be able to get out. Because he is so tired. Two years of loneliness and fighting against those dark feeling made him barely able to stand on his feet as his heart is crumbling and his breath stops whenever he remembers how happy he used to be. How his mother smiled. How his father hated alcohol. How all that disappeared.
Maybe his best friend knew. Maybe he just couldn't admit it to himself. No matter how strong Chanyeol was and how much he inspired Baekhyun to be strong too despite everything, Baek knew him better than anyone. He feels everything and is sensitive. It is strange how Baek always,even when they fought and didn't talk,knew that Chanyeol is his true friend. And his friend is now telling him to tell the truth before it is too late. Before he loses something so pure as those beautiful feelings awakening in him and the smile of the girl because of whom he is waking up smiling every morning.

Maybe tomorrow he will wake up smiling too. But now his lips are twiching and trembling as his eyes fill with tears threthening to fall every moment. Jamsines in the corner,he bought the other day, still smell so heavenly and don't let him forget about Sora. Beautiful white flowers he takes care of just because he doesn't feel lonely when her scent is lingering in the air. Then he is able to write. And to breathe properly. And not to drink so frequently.

His senses sometimes are longing for that so pleasant feeling of numbness and laziness when he is not so aware of everything and is able to smile genuinely without regret or guilt. Only then he forgets what his father had done and how it afects him. He forgets that he is blaming himslef more than his father. He gets used to that emptiness that sometimes is there for days and makes him slow and careless, wulnerable and at the edge of crying. Even in this moment his fingers were itching to hold the glass,to feel the heaviness of the liquid in it. His eyes slowly following the light emited by the lamp find the bottle in the corner wich he hid from himslef. But he remains imobille.
What will bring him drinking now? Not consolation or numbness. But dreams. Silly dreams,filled with beauty and happiness. Dreams in which he is freely talking to her and she is smiling. In those dreams maybe he would be able to touch her. Because he is wanting to feel the skin of her cheek under his fingers so badly. To outline her beautiful features,to stop at her lips and then disappear in madness of love he keeps for so long and is been searching for someone to give to. He wants to love so badly. To smile and walk under the moonlight,go on romantic dates and write poems to her. He wants someone who will make his life and house less lonely. He wants to settle down and feel loved. Is it so hard. Doen't he deserve that?

With those thoughts tears were already rolling down his cheeks and sobs were suffocated under his deep breaths. Shaky air leaving his mouth,sounds not wanting to leave his being because it is night and someone might hear. Night's silence is deep and everyone are afraid of it. Because it brings loneliness and sorrow even if you aren't as broken as he is. So the tears kept flowing for a ling time lifting the heavy feelings from his poor geart leaving him lying lifelessly and jalf awake on his bed watching the awakening day.
Another slepless night. Another morning with swollen eyes and abad hair. Another morning when he is not hungry. But he is not sad. Nor afraid. He is just nervous.

With exitement running under his skin and through his veins he walked trough park trying to calm his brething. Running his fingers through his hair,fixing it his hands started shaking lightly as he startef playing with his lips. What will he say?

Silence in the park made him sleepy and so immersed in his daydreaming that he didn't notice she arrived. She had a box with cupcakes in her hands and a silly hat on her head that hid half of her smiling face. Her small steps were silent and slow not wanting him to notice her. He didn't know is her heart pounding same as his whenever they meet. Her eyes were sparkling,yes. But was it because of the same reason? Those thoughts made him so insecure and even more nervous. He never felt like this before and it seems so funny considering his age. He smiled lightly at this thought and her smile followed from under the hat.
He tried to deffine all his feelings that started making him restless and sleepless. Why he was like that? He knows her just for a short time.

"You are in love pabo." Chanyeol's words from the other day came to his mind. Is it possible that he is finally in love and that it is so complicated and difficult? He sighed deeply suddenly saddening at the thought how every happines is so out of reach for him.
Unexpetedly small hand covered his eyes and strand of hair caressed his neck and cheek sending shivers down his spine and making him jump lightly from the bench. Strong smell of flowers and vanilla almost paralising him as he got aware that she is touching him and that it felt so beautiful and warm. Soft giggling behind him brought him back to reality and made smile form on his lips.

"Why so worried? Look what I brought to you."  She sat beside him,so close that he could almost feel heat of her body. Cute,pink cupcake was already in her hand,smile never leaving her face.
He is still wondering what happened to her. She became so cheerful and happy suddenly. Even cheeky sometimes. She cut her hair a bit shorter and he likes it so much.
He likes everything about her although she seems so ordinary at the first sight. But she became so special.

"It's nothing. Thank you." His voice seemed kind shaky and low to him but she just nodded her head and awerted her gaze to the sky.

"Ah,it's such a beautuful day. What is wrong with you?"

"Um nothing."

"You're lying." she gave him suspicious look and after that she started smiling again. Her finger pointing at his face and his lips that were between his fingers again. The cupcake was left half eaten because his stomach felt weird.

"You do that whenever you are nervous."

"You really notice everything."

"Well it is hard not to notice that habit when I'm looking at your face all the time. " she said those words so easily and inocently not knowing how he wil feel. His feelings not showing on the surface but inside he was trembling and smiling like a fool.

"Well maybe I am a bit nervous."

"Why?"

Her simple question made him sink into deep silence that informed her that he is not feeling okay at the moment. And, like she knows him for a long time,she let it slip. He was so grateful for that but he knew he can't be silent for hours.
Silence of the place,with just a few birds singing,made the atmosphere even more uncomfortable.
Although they are practicaly starngers who know almost nothing about each other they could talk for hours. He could make her smile so easily although she was so sad and depressed earlier. And she let him talk and take away all her sadness with his voice she finds so pleasant,calm and beautifil. They fit perfectly like  two pieces of a broken puzzle. And they both felt it.
She lefy him stay silent for a while and just inspected his side profile. He felt her gaze on his skin and was afraid it will disappear if he moves.

"Ask her out. Go on a date and tell her everything. You can't just sit in a park every day like two weirdos. Go somewhere fun. She will understand and forgive you if she cares."

Chanyeol's words again made jim fully aware of his situation. And so afraid. "If she cares"... and what if she is not interested in him in that way? She asked him to be her friend. What if she doesn't forgive him and he loses her too? How much would he need to heal? To put stiches on that wound will be very hard because his heart is already falling apart under so many hurtful feelings. He feels that this could help him overcome everything or put him into deeper  darknes from which he won't be able to see sparkles he sees right now.

Worse from every feeling of guilt and saddness is the one of not knowing what will happen and what is happening right now in her head. He must know. So he can sleep again.

"I was wondering if you would like to go somewhere else tomorrow."
His voice was insecure again but it captured all her attention and it seemed like her eyes were looking right through his soul.

"Sure. Where?"

"You will see."

"How am I supoused to wait till tomorrow?" her cute,childlish expression made him smile widely and forget his worries for a moment.
He just kept smiling and laughing as she kept asking him and finally gave up after few attmepts.

"You're mean. What should I wear? You can at least tell me that."

"Whatever you want. You'll look good in anything." Words esceped his mouth carlessly without much thinking painting her cheeks in slight pink shade. But he barely noticed that as the sunrays of setting Sun were showering everything with red light. So her hair was shining in strange colour and her eyes seemed kinda sleepy. She must be tired. So he decided to leave.

He barely slept thinking about today's date. Many pages of his diary were decorated with his messy handwriting and confusing thoughts last night. Some poems were still lying on the floor as he was ironing and folding his clothes, humming some slow song. He was still in his pajamas and his head looked like bird's nest with all his hair going in different directions,trying to reach the sky.

He tried to distract himslef but it was hard. He tidied up the mess,made breakfast,bought the flowers at the market,went to the library, unsuccessfuly tried to read. But his mind was still making plots about evening and every was crazier from the previous one.

It seemed like the clock is broken and that time is not moving as he sat in an armchair fully ready to go out,still fixing his hair here and there. He wanted to look good but not so good that it looks like he put too much efforr in it. So he was ruffling his hair in one moment and fixing it in another. His fingers were nervously pinching his lips and scratching his neck as the feeling od excitement was creeping into his body making him walk across the room restlessly. The time was passing so slowly as he was waiting for the moment that will determine his life, it seemed to him in that moment.

He was already near park and could hear distant sound of children singing some funny song and tapping sound of high heels of women passing by. His phone wibrated and he read a message from Cahnyeol wishing him good luck. He smiled and was kinda less worried at the thought he has such a good person for a friend. He helped him so much. Beeing there to encourage him and give him an advice saved Baekhyun so many times.

Waiting for just a few minutes and she appeared in simple dress and flats,her earings clanking on the wind. His breath got caught in his troath as his eyes captured every single detail on her beatiful face and cute pin in her hair. Like his heart could leave his ribcage and go run a marathon he felt need for so much more air.

"Hi. Am I late."

"You look beautiful."

"Thank you. And will you now say me where we're going?"
Her question made him laugh and reminded him how much he loves beeing around her. Because everything seems so simple and natural.

"To my favorite place."

"The library? Or the bar?"

"No. Am I that boring?" He knew that she will laugh and was waiting for that like for salvation. Beautiful sound filled the silence for a moment and then her eyes were again making his heart jump and his face burn.

"We're going to Green house."

Hours and hous of talking and laughing,his hands itching to touch her but staying close to his body. It still seemed like a sin to touch her,and to think about that. To wish to have her by his side every day. Beeing so selfish for wishing to be happy made his smile fall from his face for a moment. But her amazed face would bring him back to soft atmosphere of just two of them in beautiful jungle in the middle of the town. Freshness and peace the plants emited wrapped them into calm mood of slow conversations and shy but piercing looks.

"Look. Jasmine. It reminds me of you"

"Really?"

"Mhm. You always smell like jasmine."

"Is that good? "  she smiled innocently.

"I love jasmines."

Everything became silent again as she got shy and walked to watch some plants they already saw.
His eyes following every her move admiring how fragile and gentle she looks,how lightly she touches the leaves of plants and smiles unconsciously.
Suddenly he felt so selfish need to not tell her anything and just enjoy her acompany until she finds out someday. He has right to be happy for once in his life.

"Baekhyun? I've beem thinking...Is this a date?"

"Ummm.....do you want it to be?"

"I don't know. You?"

"It's Wednesday."

After that he got busy looking at some big plant with strange shaped leaves. He felt when she came closer,so close he could sense her breath on his neck. Tangles run down his whole body and he thought how her breathing is shallow same as his.

'She'll hate me' he thought as he decided to tell her anyways. She deserves to know. More than anyone she does and he deserves hate. Not her love or those sparkles in her eyes. Not her smiles and cupcakes every afternoon, but bitter words. He deserves broken heart. It is all his fault.

"Are you okay?"

"No. Sora I wanted to tell you something...that's why I ...." words simply couldn't leave his mouth and his gaze became distant as he could feel tears wanting to flow and his body ready to break down together with everything that made him happy.
Her hand was on his forearm sending electricity through his skin making everything even harder.
She was patiently waiting and he could see,with a corner of his eye,that she smiled.

"This is so important and I don't know how..." he got cut off when he felt soft and warm touch on his cheek and her hand on the other side of his neck.

"Is this what you wanted to talk about?" She looked all shy and her face was scarlet but her voice stayed firm with a note of playfulness in it.
His whole body was trebling internaly and the room was sppining around. Hypnotising circle of green and white paralising his mind in one thought: "She just kissed him!"  After few second shock passed leaving him speechless with just one wish that was making every cell of his body tremble from excitement. And before he could remember all the things he wanted to say to her and the guilt from then moment ago he let his lips touch hers and pull him into madness of breathtaking,beautiful touch differrnt from any other. Warmness of her body and beautiful scent of her skin engulfing him.
When the beautiful moment passed and he could feel the ground under his feet again and her hair under his fingers he thought how he is ready to be a coward and liar if this is what he gets in return.
"I guess it is a date afterall."
he could see those beautiful sparkles in her eyes again.

______________________________________

I hope my precious little star will smile.

Thank you for everything

💙🍀🌹