Baekhyun always had this opinion that when you're sad and broken,or you're waiting, time passes slowly,almost stands still just to torture you. But last few days passed by him like he was running through them. As if he wasn't just lying in his bed,doing nothing,feeling nothing. As if sun wasn't rising and setting,and rain drops weren't tapping on his window time to time,he was unaware of time that passed. His phone rang for a while but it stopped time ago- the battery must be dead.
It's strange Chanyeol didn't barge in at this point,considering how easily he gets worried. Or Sora...
He laughed at this thought. She won't barge in his room anymore,shouting and scolding him for not answering her calls. He is so aware of that but it seems his mind would rather forget about that sometimes. And it felt nice to forget.
It felt far from nice but at least it didn't hurt like hell. It hurt like when you prickle on a thorn or accidentally cut on paper. It stings constantly but at least he can live with it.
He could live with thought that he should suffer and die from guilt eating him alive. He lived with it before he met her. It was all so well until he met her- the love.
He laughed again and already thought how he must be going crazy,laughing all the time when every part of his body and soul hurts like it's being cut into pieces.

'I should drink something.' ran through his mind. He remembered how powerful alcohol is,how good he felt when he was drunk,how light his heart felt. But still...
His thought changed to:'I'm thirsty. I hope there's some cold water in fridge.'

Things started changing fourth day after she left. He decided to shower and shave, he opened windows in the living room and let wild,cold rain water couple of his plants,unintentionally. The rest of the plants he watered himself,trying to sing something still blindly believing plants enjoy when you sing to them. Truth to be told he just wanted to distract his mind from Sora and their separation that still was pressing against his lungs and heart,leaving him breathless and tired. So he got easily tired of singing and doing things he enjoyed before and his mind would stubbornly just repeat the moments of his mistakes and pain. As if he wasn't so tired of it already. All those months of pure happiness destroyed by his quilt and heavy smiles.

Soon sleeping in the living room was less painful so he closed the door of his bedroom. Sleeping on the floor or small sofa hurt his body but his heart felt lighter. He didn't bother to charge his phone or eat,he drank water and showered a lot. Sometimes he'd just let the water flow out of all faucets he had because the sound of it,mixed with sound of pouring rain,was somehow calming. Like someone else is crying instead of him. His eyes were dry,his fingers felt like they're broken because holding things was hard without shaking hands or sound of breaking.
He'd smile when thunderstorm would roar wildly,breaking trees and pots,crashing everything outside as he was just siting by his window,completely numb. It seemed like even the sky couldn't stop crying. Then he remembered how pathetic that sounds.

Heavy,rainy days, so uncharacteristic for the end of August,continued and he felt like there's no end to the strong feeling of anxiety curling inside his stomach,turning his fingers into wooden sticks,making him feel so weak. 

Autumn came earlier then expected, and now it seems like it'll never end.

Space?

Time?

He had it so much that it felt suffocating. Like he's falling into deep hole,again,but this time it was different. It was more painful and darker, cold and silent.

He wanted Chanyeol to appear on his doorstep one day and tell him something comforting. He wanted anyone to come and say anything to him,because in that deadly silence,in which only the sound of rain could be heard,his thoughts were screaming and yelling at him.

And one day, at the begining of September,he heard knocking sound on his front door. Although he was feeling dead for so long his heart sped up in anticipation and fear,as just one though run through his mind. Beautiful thought that made warmth run through his cold body and made his legs move fast towards the knocking sound.

Maybe it's Sora.

And even though it sounded too crazy and too early there was little hope in his heart and a smile on his face, he wasn't even aware of.

But on his doorway was Chanyeol with unreadable expression,in his usual black coat. Smile slipped off Baek's face even though he didn't want to seem disappointed or sad.

" Oh my God you look terrible. I just came from States to you two being like this."  his voice was rather concerned than angry even though he tossed his bag angrily while saying that.

"What do you mean? You talked to her?"

Baekhyun felt relief and anger in the same moment as his fingers,suddenly so alive,were fidgeting with the hem of his shirt,not looking at his best friend.

"Yes."

He remained silent. Not angry or disappointed, just silent. Being sadly peaceful his heart didn't hurt so much, like when you can't move broken arm due to pain. It's like he wasn't breathing or thinking, his heart wasn't beating.

" Because she called me and you,my friend turned off your phone. Last time I came too early,not giving you space to cool down,we ended up arguing. "

"Baek..."

He lifted his head and looked at his best friend now sitting beside him with worried eyes, at the edge of tears.

Chanyeol grabbed his shoulders and shaked him, looking madly worried as Baekhyun wasn't moving and looked like lifeless body, pale shadow of his friend.

"Baek don't be like that. You lost so much weight...you look sick... you look like..."

"I am dead?" he smiled sadly. Still those words stayed just in his mind because his mouth were too dry to say anything. He just looked at his friend, with wide eyes, empty eyes, eyes so full of sorrow and regret like someone just died before them.

"How is she?"

"Pretty much same as you. Broken and angry. Yet she didn't stop talking about you,asking me about you."

Should he feel happy or sad because of that information?

"And what did you tell her?"

"What can I tell her? That I knew all the time but I couldn't say because I had no right to. That I tried to convince you to tell her,then to stay silent. She's mad at me too,but I am not the one who broke her heart."

The words were hard slap to his heart. Or remains of it.

They were silent for a while after his friends words, heavy words that still floated somewhere above their heads, darkening this already grey day.

"What do you think?" speaking after such a long pause and heavy words seemed somehow strange. Like talking wasn't part of his life earlier. Like every word weighted a ton. A world.
And it was just a simple question. A stupid question.

His friend could always pull that amazing characteristic of his- thinking clear in situations like this. And what Baekhyun needed the most in this moment wasn't reassurance or hope, but the harsh truth.
Solid and rough stone of truth to lay on the, already big, pile on his heart. He needs words to cut him deep, under his skin to his bones and make him feel the pain so hard it kills all the remaining hope. To destroy his feels. Crash his eyes into endless rivers of tears and make him lifeless body, incapable of feeling anything.

"Nothing's lost yet."

Chanyeol words weren't unexpected. They weren't ineffective either. Those were the words he feared the most.

Words of hope.

Fear paralyzed him. His bones froze and his eyes were burning without reason. Sensation too overewhelming to comprehend made him crying mess in few seconds.

Chanyeol wasn't unprepared so he just hugged him tightly, letting him cry out his hope or sorrow or whatever he felt at the very moment.

"Are you sure? I have always trusted your opinion but please...I couldn't take this pain twice." he was still sobbing and hiccuping, shedding more tears but a bit calmer, voice stable.

"Baekhyun...trust me just this one more time...she loves you, maybe even more than you love her."

Even though he couldn't see possibility of truth behind those words, because this feeling in his heart and the way all his body react at the mere look of hers, couldn't be stronger or greater, but it felt so nice to hear Chanyeol's words, so strong in his belief, his eyes fixated on his without wavering nor a glimpse of uncertainty.

"I...I don't know what to do, what to say. I am sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry for not listening to you, for dragging you into this. I am so aware of weight on your shoulders. You..."

"Hey idiot. Stop it. Don't make me cry too. I am your friend and I want to help. And I'll tell you this just once: talk to her. She is waiting."

Of all terrifying things he's told him today this was the most paralyzing one.

"I cant."

"Don't be stupid. I know its hard but try. Baek, try before its too late."

"For what?Is there anything more to lose?"

"For you fool. If you go on like this she may go on but in different direction. What if she decides that she's tired of waiting? You're the one to blame here. Sorry friend but it's the truth. What if she finds someone new. Someone different. Not better, but different."

Chanyeol saw it coming, but still was surprised when his best friend, grown up man, threw himself at him crying like a child. Again. To say that he's never seen him like this would be a lie, but it was when his mother died, when that boy died, when his father died in his heart. No one died this time. Baekhyun's and hers love was more alive than ever, burning and struggling, like an animal in a too small cage. That cage were those stupid pride things he never understood. Maybe because he's never been truly in love.

But little did he know that Baek died a little every for a few past months, keeping it all to himself. Little did he know that he was now holding peaces that noone than their owner could collect and place into a beautiful mind again. He was so oblivious about that crucial part of Baek's eyes, now red and blurred, that held nothing but the emptiness.

Maybe just in that very moment when his friend cried and cried endlessly, testing his patience already, he realized what he has to do. But it was so crazy even to think about it.
Mentioning his father to his friend it that moment would be like lighting a millions of fireworks in a small room. It'd be too much to handle. For him. For Baekhyun. For remains of his old lively friend who, he believes, still lives somewhere behind all of this. Stuck in the past.

"Hey buddy I didn't mean it like that. Stop crying please." Chanyeol was desperate at this point. Baek looked so sick and pale, and weak that probably a bit stronger wind could knock him to the ground. And all of this crying and distress seemed to strong for him to take.
Like  on an order, his friend wipped away his tears, sniffed for the last few times and calmed himself down quickly, now looking distantly through the window. Outside the rainstorm was roaring again, taking big raindrops to his window glass.

"Baek..."started Chanyeol but he couldn't find the right words, so he remained silent looking through window himself.
"You meant it." said his friend firmly after a moment of silence. His voice sounded strangled by heaviness of his words or just welling up tears ."She does deserve someone better than me. I know it too. But..but I'm too selfish to let it go so easily. She...i don't know how to say it." His friend opened his mouth to say that he understands but was cut off. "Lately, she seemed to be the only good thing that happened in my life. I know it sound stupid, but..."

"I understand." Said Chan quietly.

"I'd like just to know that she's okay. You know it's all my fault. I am the one who hurt her the most. She is innocent in all of this and I...well I don't deserve any better than the state i am in now." Baekhyun finished with a sigh.

Chanyeol was at loss of the words. Still looking at the heavy rain outside, same as his friend, he couldn't not agree with Baek even tho his friend needed some kind of confort now. So he tried so strongly to find proper words to say. In that moment his phone rang. Firstly he planned to ignore it but it continued ringing annoyingly.

"Won't you answer it?"

"Yeah...sorry.." 'for disrupting your silence' he wanted to say but he did not. He looked at screen and was shocked. Sora was calling him. Sudden fear was evident on his face.
Baekhyun was looking at his phone too, sitting so close by him. His eyes were glue to the screen, lighting and going dark in circles with the sound of Chanyeol's favorite song. For the first time that  day he saw a glimpse of hope in his friend's eyes.

"Answer it please. I want to hear her...I won't say a word, I promise."

So he did. Mortified at the thought what could be discovered from this phone call. Something so shocking that it could push Baekhyun form the edge he was standing on. He gulped nervously and picked up the call. He put it on speaker praying in his mind that she doesn't say anything that shouldn't be heard by the man sitting, excitedly, by his side.

"Hello."

"Hey Chanyeol." Her voice came  from the device he was now holding horizontally in his hand in front of him and Baekhyun. He looked at him and could see emotions flooding his eyes as he was starting to breathe quickly.

"How are you Sora? Is everything okay? Do you need something?" He tried to cover the nervousness in his voice but didn't seem to succeed, as his voice came out shaky.

"Yeah, I guess. Have you...umm...have you seen him?"

He looked at Baek who was waving his hand signaling him to lie to her or not  mention anything. His eyes full of emotions swirling around, with tears at the brim of spilling again. He couldn't say no to that desperate look.
"No." He  lied not knowing  what he would say if  he said he saw him.

"I see. And will you go? Please...I...I think you should go. I know you are mad at him for lying to you too about this, but...he is your friend. He considers you for his brother. Please go and see if he's okay. He should at least take his medicines. Remind him when you go, okay?"
He looked at his friend who was now silently chocking on his tears with hand clasped over his mouth. This situation was killing Chanyeol he was becoming more anxious with every second that passed?
"Yeah, I'll tell him. Sora im so sorry that it all went like this. I mean..."

"Don't be. It's not your fault. Just...just help him find the courage to fix it because...I can't seem to. Okay?"

"Yeah..."

"Chanyeol is everything okay? You seem nervous. Answering with just 'yeah'...Actually I called you about our deal. I am ready. Tomorrow maybe we could.."

"We can talk about it later." He quickly rushed to cut her off as Baek was now giving him questioning look.

"Why? You said I can call you whenever I want."
"I am not alone right now." He said and silence was disrupted by Baeks heavy breath that surfaced as he was already in a difficult state earlier. He probably wasn't  taking his meds. Could Sora hear him?

"I see. I'll call you later. "  Her voice came out as a whisper, at the edge of breaking. He assumed that she heard Baekhyun's heavy breathing, which now was so loud that Chanyeol panicked a little. When he pressed red button on his screen, he almost dropped his phone as his friend was now evidently chocking, with shallow breaths escaping his parted mouth, tears going down his pale cheeks.

"Baek? Baek what's wrong? hey! Don't you hear me? where are your pills? you didn't take them, right?"

"I...I did.."  Was all his friend said before he fell down from the sofa they were sitting on, lying on the floor, tightly clutching his shirt in his trembling hands, eyes travelling across the ceiling.

Baekhyun  felt like he was going to die. There was no air in his lungs, his brain didn't seem to work as just fog was in front his eyes. Tears were leaving his burning eyes without him realizing, finding their place under his chin, down to his shirt.  Seeing panic in his friend's eyes, he smiled weakly without reason. It was the last thing he should  be doing in a situation like this. His vision already black here and there, his hands shaking, trying to grab onto something he could feel, because Chanyeol now seemed not suitable. There was no feeling in his fingers, he couldn't feel warmth of his friend's hand under his cold one. 

"I'll be fine....air...I need air..."his voice was the voice of a dying person, strangled yet screaming. Smile unintentionally plastered onto his lips, tears were nowhere to be seen now as his eyes seemed unfocused.

'Is this the end?'  he thought as his breathing was so loud he thought neighbors will come to see what's happening. Chanyeol looked paler than him, phone on his ear as he was gripping his hand tightly. Funny how he couldn't feel anything.

His mind empty, everything seemed like long forgotten past, hidden under thick fog swirling in his brain. He had just one thought: 'I am going to die so miserably.' Then everything went black, his eyes closing slowly, his friend's shaking his shoulders, tightly gripping, he knew but couldn't feel the pain. Just a few more  seconds he heard commotion around him, sirens, people, his friend's loud  voice and then everything went into silent darkness.

He woke up to find himself lying in a completely white room, his left arm stinging a bit, cold running through it. His eyes hurt from sudden amount of blinding white light, but it soon was blocked by someone. Face very familiar, with slight smile painted on it, eyes worried, skin pale.

"Hey buddy. How are you feeling?", his best friend asked.

"Tired. Like I ran a marathon. What happened? Where am I?" He asked even though he knew exactly where he is, by the smell of chlorine and an IV connected to his arm, small drops running slowly making chills go through his body.

"Hospital." Chanyeol sighed quietly. He looked very troubled by something, his face pale like he wasn't sleeping for days.

"What happened to me? I don't remember anything. The last thing I remember is that Sora called you and I asked you to answer and then...ugh I can't remember."

"You collapsed. I got so scared. You couldn't breathe, I thought that you have an asthma attack again and I called an ambulance. You looked like...like..."

"I'm dying?" His friend just nodded his head.

"It wasn't asthma. I took my medicines. It happened before too. After...after the accident." Remembering  the pain he went through that time was so hard, but he wanted to reassure his friend that he isn't unaware of what's happening to him. Wanted to brush it off as something not so serious. 

"Really? You never told me about it. I was so scared...I was here all night. Had to beg the doctor. I think I was rather unpolite. I don't regret it tho." Chanyeol tried to laugh but it came out  as a  just very loud sigh. He didn't sleep that was evident by the dark circles around his eyes and his pale face. Suddenly Baekhyun felt strange feeling of warmth run through his chest at the thought of how much his friend cares for him. He felt so grateful and overwhelmed by that feeling.

"Thank you. What did the doctor say?"

"Panic attack, followed by dehydration led to passing out. You slept for the whole night and better part of the day. Nurses are just coming in to change the bottles and check on you. He said it could've  ended  up much more serious if it prolonged like that. Why didn't you eat Baek? I know you're feeling very bad and all that, but you must eat, must drink."

"I know. Sorry for worrying you. Did they say when I can go?" He didn't like hospitals since his mother's illness. All that medication , this awful smell and bottles, all those sick people made him feel even more miserable. 

"I don't know. Doctor said psychiatrist will come later to see you. After that I guess."

"Psychiatrist? Why? I don't want to."

"Baek", he sighed," this can be serious. Even more if it happened before too. You have to talk to someone. It'll be okay trust me. Sometimes you feel best when you share your secrets with a complete stranger. Trust me."

And Chanyeol was right, again. His interview with psychiatrist went well, and he really did feel relieved after that. She was such a nice, middle aged woman, with the warmest smile. Didn't interrupt him, listened carefully and gave him medication, and a few appointments in her private ordination.

Coming back home after two days in the hospital was very hard for him. Everything seemed different even though it was more usual than ever, with his photos on the walls, old clock tickling quietly in the corner, his plants, everything was the same. 

Same apartment. 

Same loneliness. 

Same emptiness. 

It'll never be a home for him, because those walls know too many dark secrets, that clock was broken too many times, moved around and cherished at the same time. Those pictures will go down soon, because they hold to much of love, and at that moment it was so hard to look at them. 

It was so hard to look at happiness that was no longer present.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there it is- lame and short. I haven't written in like ages as you noticed.

this chapter was so hard to write. Such a challenge. It discusses some serious topics. things I know a lot about but can't bring myself to describe properly. 

I just hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I promise next will be better.

Love,

J