"One month have passed.
Sitting on the bench beside the river,alone with his thoughts,he went into her world again. In that world magic was possible. Her hands could do magic as they touched his face and hair,and her words were spells hypnotising him and making everything prettier,better and important.

So he started to care for sweets she was making for him,and animlas she loves;for hats and earings,and books he didn't know about before;for islands and seas she wants to visit, and her fears. He started remembering every little thing about her and time they spent together. And those were hours of feeling happy and sad at the same time.

Their relationship was like a river. He was water, cold at first but so easy to get used to and she was flow. He will become warm and pleasant when you get to know him and she was that wild wave of freshness. Together they followed unknow path into the sea of something. Happiness he hoped. He prayed that her beautiful soul could make his life into happy one..."

He stopped as his hand was aching and took deep breath of the pleasant smell lingering in air. River's sound was so calming and the water looked so clear.
He wrote so many pages about them.

"'Why not try something new?',she said simply immersed into playing with his hair.
'What? All I know is to write poems. But people doesn't seem to like poems nowadays'
'Then write a story.'
Her simple answer made him think about that for the first time. But is he able to do that?
'About what?'
'About us,of course.'"

Still remembering her giggles and inspiration she gives him every day,he came to river side this morning. She was right. Maybe he should try something different. He read so many books and stories and wrote thousands of poems. Maybe he is a decent writer after all and is able to write the story. The story about them. It shouldn't be hard.

"I'll just pour my feelings onto paper in the most beautiful way possible." He told to the river,flowing calmly but looking so powerful with all that water tamed by nothing and everything.

Wind was bringing smell of the fish from the opposite side and freshness of water and beautiful April's morning. Sun was shyly looking at the Seoul through fluffy,white clouds and showering everything with warmth. His heart was beating fast again as he rememabered random moments spent with her. His breathing stayed calm and deep, so well controled by medicine he took before leaving the house. She made him take them reagularly when she found out he has astma. He smiled remembering worried look in her eyes.

Like the wind was taking hid hands and pushing him,he stood up and removed dirt from his pants. He packed his pen and notebook into his bag,took his jacket and started walking towards his aprtment.

On his way through not so busy part of the city, where old ladies were grumpier then anywhere and possibility to 'accidentaly' lose something worthy was big,his phone vibrated. Chanyeol was calling him this early in the morning and of course it made him worried even before he picked up.

"Good morning.." his voice sounding like a song with so much playfulness and happiness in it as he tried to stay positive.

"Can you come to my place? I need to talk..." his friends voice was hoarse and at the adge of breaking. It sounds like he didn't sleep at all or like he cried. But Chanyeol almost never cries..

Without any more words needed he finished the conversation with simple 'sure' and turned left towards the street Chan lives in. He didn't know why he had such a bad feeling and why he almost ran to his house. His mind knew the reason of Chanyeol's broken voice and bad mood in the past days. He knew his friend. He was sad and concerned but was okay. He will be. Baekhyun will take care of that. He knew all that yet he still ran and barely breathed as he came to his friend's opened window,wordlessly entering. As he saw him sitting on his bed with  head in his hands he sighed. Bad feeling disappeared and he sit beside him.

"I haven't slept for two days."  Chanyeol stated and looked him with red eyes.

"Why are you doing this to  yourself?"

"You, out of all people, should know how pride can be very bad habit. "

Baekhyun chuckled and placed his hand on Chanyeol's shoulder.

"I know,but I am trying to change that. You should try too. She is your only sister."

"That's the main reason. She knew I have only her and I love her so much yet she didn't believe me. She..."  he sighed deeply and caught his head between his hands again.

Strong feeling of guilt pressed against Baekhyun's heart. Deep down in that heart he knew that the feeling never actually left but he just found way to ignore it. Now it was wild again,burning under his skin and in his eyes in urge to hug his friend. To hug him and cry. To cry out all his guilt and pain,all apologizes that died at the tip of his tongue. But this is not about him. It's about Chanyeol and his pain.

Baek never knew how it feels having sister or any sibling beside parents. He can't understand his friend's struggles. But is that love really so much different from love for a friend? He didn't knew but he knew that Chanyeol is the closest to brother, he never had. So the urge to help him was so strong but the guilt was magnified too.

He just followed his friend's sighs and actions so his wet palms were now pressed on his cheeks.

Suddenly he is so aware of the time and space. His wrist watch stoped at six o'clock this morning and Chanyeol's was beside his feet showing eight.  The floor is a bit dirty,carpet is navy blue and the whole room smels like Chanyeol's parfume and dry roses on the shelf. He is,again,nervously playing with his lips in atempt to figure out what to say and not get into a fight.

"Look I know you wanna go. You should. That is the only right thing to do."

"And you always do and know what is right thing to do."
Sarcasam in his voice hurt Baekhyun more than any of them expected. Already at the edge of his pilled up pain from past actions and guilt scratching his nerves,Baekhyun jumped from the bed and stood in front of Chanyeol.

"I don't. Okay? That's why I'm telling you this. Because I know how much it hurts. I fucked up every possible thing in my life, that's right. Do you wana be like me? You're a better man Cahnyeol."
Baekhyun's breaths became deep and painful as his heart was beating fast. His eyes were burning and hands trembling  as he poured into words what he was feeling like for a long time. Truth hurts double when it's said out loud.

He wanted to leave but couldn't. His legs can't carry his head that weights tons and his ribcage that is so heavy under the pressure of lack of air. He waited. He can't leave without hearing what Chanyeol has to say.
Clock on the wall made irritating sound,wind moved curtains and he took three deep breaths before his friend spoke.

"You say that all the time,but yet you alwats talk about yourself. You are selfish Baekhyun. Because of your selfisness my head hurts three years."

Baekhyun saw those words coming but his heart felt like breaking. Even though he expected the pain he couldn't predict how much it will actually hurt. And it hurts so much.
Chanyeol is right and has all rights to blame him for everything but Baekhyun was blaming himself enough to feel like dying sometimes. Again he is alone. His only friend hates him in this moment and that is enough to make him want to run away. To who? To Sora? But he is hurting her everyday, lying to her. He can't seek happiness from her even though she gives it whole heartedly. He wnated to smile on that thought but his lips couldn't move.

Chanyeol was massaging his temples and looking at the floor. He is sorry for his words and Baek knows that. He could never hurt him like that. Truth shouldn't hurt him. Then why he is in so much pain right now?

It seems that all his truths hurt him and everylne he cares about.

"You're right. It is all my fault. I...I'm sorry.." with those words and one small tear leaving his eye he left throught the window. He knew he must leave. Need for air was his excuse but he was not able to breath properly when he came out. Mrs. Park was in the garden,colecting roses when he passed by her in a hurry.

He ran again. But this time not because of the fear, nor because of happiness but to let out all bad feelings in shallow breathing and sweat. Although his lungs were on fire and his troath ached with all those sobs and words pilled there he continued running. He entered his apartment leaving the door open and took the bottle like his life depends on it. For one second he thought about not taking a sip but in another the strong-tasted liquid was washing away all sobs and words from his throath. His legs gave in under the exhaustion and he was sitting on the floor beside sofa, with his face in his hands and despair in his life again.

Soon every cell of his body became numb and his feelings became less painful. Pleasurable presence of hotness spreading through his body and peace caused by alcohol drifted him into land of daydreaming. He could see himself smiling and Sora was by his side. She 's wearing that silly hat of hers and the most beautiful smile. He doen't feel guilty. He doen't feel like a dirty liar and bastard. He fees just love.
Those thought drew smile on his face and he tangled his fingers into his hair,damp with sweat. Soon those fingers were pulling soft strands harshly,causing pain, making him want to scream. He can't lie to himself.He is a liar. He is a bastard. Guilt is his other name.

It seemed like hours were passing so quickly. Noise coming from outside was stronger and more irritating as his head ached badly. He thought about drinking more,about emptying the bottle but he didn't. Those few sips made him feel torn apart between wish to go and fix everything and sudden urge to just sit there for the rest of the day.

His phone was vibrating again with his girlfriend's name displayed  on the screen bit he didn't pick up. Even though he was tipsy and almost drunk he was embarrassed. He just snorted at the irritating sound and drifted into his messy thinking again. More time was passing and air became warm and dry,sun was dacing around freely and noises were becoming distant in his sleepiness.

He couldn't remember how many times his phone rang before she came in ,trough opened door,like a rush of freshness and anger.

"Why the hell you're not...? Oh God,Baekhyun what's wrong?"
Her voice turned from angry to concerned one as soon as she saw him sitting motionlessly on the floor with eyes half closed. His head was hurting so much that her words sounded like the most annoying shouts so he coverrd his ears.

"Don't shout..."

"You were drinking again." She sighed and   took the bottle away from his hands  and right into the trash can in the kitchen. When she came back he was at the edge of crying. He just needed a hug and episode of crying and screaming to feel okay again. But she seemed too angry for that.

"Chanyeol is angry....it's all my fault..." his face disappeared in his hands again. Soon her warm hands were caressing his hair and taking his hands away from his face.

"What happened baby?" Her voice was like a wisper but still so beautiful and sharp,with so much love in it that he felt like he could tell her everything. But he couldn't form sentences without wanting to cry.

"His sister is getting married. He doesn't want to go because of the stupid fight and it happened because of me...I tried to convince him but I got angry and we fought and I left."

"I will talk to him." He is always amazed how sure she is in her simple decisions that proved to be so helpful.

Smile was dancing around her lips as always and he started calming down, falling into state of peacefulness and half-sleep.
Before he could wake up completelly he said her his friend's adress,she kissed his cheek and disappeared.

Hours have passed already and she didn't come back.

Alcohol stoped affecting him so he was quite nervously walking through his living room. Unconsciously palying with his lips he walked to window and back to armchair every few minutes.

She surely convinced Chan because her words are always so calming and magical in its simple beauty.

He wondered why she didn't come back till now. Maybe something bad happened. But he tried to stop thinking about that. So he went to bathroom and brushed his teeth for the fourth time trying to get rid of awful smell of alcohol. In desperate atempt to calm down his burning worries and the same bad feeling from this morning he showered with almost cold water. It really helped him to comletely clear his mind.
He exited bathroom wearing only pants with a towel around his neck colecting drop falling from his damp hair. He will pun on his shirt he must have forgotten in the living room and continue waiting calmly thinking how she must've went home to get something or went to work right away. But place she works at doesn't work at Sundays. Before that thought could get him concerned a gasp left his mouth when he saw her sitting in living room with his shirt in her hands. A gasp left her mouth too and her cheeks became red but she didn't look away. Sudden rush of embarrassment shoke him because he has never been proud of his body that he consider too gentle looking and small for a man. But he didn't show his insecurity because he is a grow up man and she is his girlfriend. 

She slowly approached him and put the tee shirt over his head,removing the towel. His body cooperated on his own and soon her hands were sliding down his back pulling the clothing piece too slowly. Her warm fingers sent shocks of electricity through his cold,sensitive skin and for a moment many thought crossed his mind but were silenced by the voice saying: "You're a liar. You can't do that anymore. You're guilty. This is a sin."  Her hand finally left his skin and he felt relieved. 

"Where have you been until now? I got worried."

"Did you?"  her voice was seductive and low and her lips soon were on his in a slow kiss. But soon the kiss was over and they both knew they should not continue.

He was towel drying his  hair when she started talking because she knew he desperately wants to know what happened.

"I convinced him. Pretty easily I must admit."

"How?"

"Well I told him how my brother died and how I would gave everything I have to just hug him one more time, and he is so stupid to play those childlish games with heart of his sister. That convinced him right away." Although she smiled all the time he could see a glipse of sadness in her eyes that appears whenever she talks about her dead brother. For a moment he got afraid that Chanyeol maybe said something to her but brushed off that thought easily knowing his friend very well. Chanyeol knows what he can say and what not.

"And the I helped him choose tie and make his hair. Your friend is very handsome."

He could not notice playfulness in her voice and his heart sank at those words. He knows that already and jealousy overhelmed him for the first time. Recently he had that strange,awful feeling that he might lose everyone he loves because of what he is. Now his girlfriend finds his best friend attractive and they had a long talk in his room,with him dressing for the wedding. His face started burning as the sudden anger took over him.

"He is,right? You like him?"

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you just stayed with him." his words were bitter and full of poison caused by his anger. But she just smiled. She finds this amusing.

"Because you are my  boyfried and I like you more." she kissed him quickly and giggled. " And you're so cute when you're jelous. He is your best friend for god sake." 

"I am not jealous." he stated although it was obvious lie. Her laugh echoed in the room like the most beautiful melody for his ears. His body relaxed and unknown tension was gone as soon as he heard her laughing and felt her hands on his cheeks.

"You're such a child sometimes."

"Did Chanyeol said anything about me?" he tried to change the topic and stop slight blush spreading over his cheeks. Her hands left his cheeks and rested on her lap as smile on her face became smaller and vague.

"He said that he is not mad at you and he's not blaming you. What does that mean?"

His heart felt lighter and released from the great burden of guilt that was still lingering somewhere in the air and around his lips that formed a weak smile.  He contemplated should he tell her or not. She will surely think that he is selfish and bastard but he can't hide everything from her.

"Well...It is my fault that heand his sister weren't talking for three years." he could see anticipation in her now so wide eyes that resmbled one's of a curious child. " About four years ago I broke up with my girlfriend. That was my first serious relationship and I was broken. I thought that I loved her beyond words and I was so angry and hurt at that time. Around that time Chan's sister started hanging up with us more frequently and we became very close although I always saw her as a younger sister.  Chanyeol started acting weird and I became concerned. One day Yoora,his sister,confessed to me. I was shocked. But then I thought how relationship with her could help me get over my ex girlfriend and start anew." he paused for a bit expecting something because he noticed that her facial expression changed.

"That was selfish." she said simply without anger in her voice surprising him. Because he expected her to scold him or look mad at least. 

"I know. So I started relationship with her. Chanyeol was awkward with that for some time but eventually everything started looking great. I really forgot about my ex but I never developed strong feelings for Yoora. I didn't know what to do. We were dating for a year almost and I cowardly was running away from confession all the time because I didn't want to hurt her. I even talked to Chanyeol once but he said me that I actually have feeling for her but I am not aware of them. That came out as truth but just recently.  One day she wanted something more and I just couldn't use her like that. I just couldn't because I felt I don't love her that much and it'd be wrong. So I said her that I don't love her and I that want to break up." he covered his face in embarrassment as he remembered how hurt and broken she looked. He never forgave himslef all her tears and what came later.  Sora was so immmersed in the story that she satyed in the same position with eyes wide open waiting for the continuation.

"She got so mad at me and her brother. She thougth he knew everything and didn't tell her because he was on my side. They argued as I know, because he doen't like to talk about that. After that she took all her things and left for the US without telling anyone where she's going. Chanyeol was so mad and hurt that he swore that he'll never talk to her again. She started contacting them later but he never talked to her.That's the story."

He finished with a sigh of relief. He never thought telling her all of that would help him feel better but it did. He felt less of a liar and coward after that.Hesistantly looking at her he didn't dare to smile or say anything else waiting for her to say something.

"You all acted impulsively and that's why all of that happened. I won't take sides. I must admit that it felt weird listening about your past relationships."awkward laugh was all she put at the end of sentence and stood up.

"You should not feel guilty and burdened anymore. Chanyeol forgave you and his sister will eventually. I should cook something, I'm starving." even though she didn't seem budged or disapointed he was a bit worried because of her so casual behaviour. Something was happening in her head and he was afraid of that. They are dating for just a month so he is not used on this akward situations when they're both not telling something altough they should. Strange feeling from earlier came back to his stomach and he didn't feel hungry at all.

"She did. When she came recently I met with her and she said she forgives me. She said I changed her life and helped her find her true love. She even invited me on the wedding."

"Then why didn't you go to the wedding?" her questions and conclusions sometimes were so blunt and confusing to him.

"I don't know." he lied. With that their conversation moved to other topics making the atmosphere relaxed again and the rest of the day passed quickly in the pleasant smell of his apartment filled with their laughter.

As the day was slowly marching to its end with setting Sun and first spects of night's coldness coming through opened window he started feeling anxious. Feeling of might losing Sora due all his secrets and bad things from past was stronger than ever. He could feel it deep inside his stomach and it was making him sick and pale. His smiles became weak and almost fake as the weight of worry was pressing his heart harder and harder. 

"I'll get going now. It's getting late." her melodic voice rang in the hall as she took her shoes and waited for her boyfriend to kiss him for a goodbye. But he wasn't coming. Concern crept into her heart and worry could be read in her beautiful eyes as  painful silence lasted for too long.

"Baekhyun?" she called but there was no answer.

She found him sitting on the floor of the living room looking like he is on the edge of crying or like he could start running any moment. Anxiety could be read in his eyes clearly and her warm palm rested on his cheek. He closed his eyes and  leaned into her touch like it's the last. Tears were threathening to build up in his eyes and he was afraid she won't be there anymore when he opens them.

"What's wrong? You're acting weird all day. I know all this situation with Chanyeol and his sister affected you but I feel there is something else."

He asked himself how can she be so perfect. Always understanding his feeling although she know him for a short time. At times he though they are like two piesces of the same puzzle lost long ago that now got reunited. Sounds cheesy but he felt like that in moments like this.

He couldn't belive he became so attached to he in a short time. Sometimes he wanted her to be there all the time just to watch her or touch her beautiful skin.

When he opened his eyes she was still there with the most calming look in her eyes that hid worried look she had few moments ago and her beautiful smile dancing around her lips.

"Can you...Can you stay tonight?"

She looked hesistant for a moment but then she nodded.

"Of course. I f you'll feel better."

"I just want to not feel alone and cuddle you and forget about everything." his voice was shaky at the end but he just took deep breath not wanting to break down in front of her. So he supressed all his emotions and kissed her to be sure that she is there and that she s able to make him forget about everything.

He was running not knowing where. He followed the sound of river flowing wildly,dangerously in the darkness. Dim lights showed him the path he was taking towards her. She was in pain.Tears rolling down her cheeks were making his heart break. She screamed: "Help me!" and when he ran towards her there was Yoora too in tears too. She looked in so much pain. Her eyes were pleading him to save her. "You owe me this. You broke my heart. Save me.." 

He felt misserable. There is no doubt he wants to help Sora. Though of not having her around or she being in pain was driving him crazy,but guilt was tearing his heart apart. How can he not help Yoora too? Chanyeol would never forgive him if his sister died on him. He didn't want to decide. He wanted to keep running. To run away from everything. To scream.

And he did.

Her soft and warm hands were gripping his shirt tightly and shaking him. When he opened his eyes he saw her scared face and thought that he is still in that teriffing nightmare. As an impulse his hands started roaming her face and arms making sure that she is true and unharmed. 

"I am here. It was a bad dream." her arms hugged him tightly and his breath became steady again as warmth of her body and soothing circles she was making with her hand on his back touched his senses. She kissed the side of his face,close to his ear making him shiver with excitement. Strong feelings of fear and doubt were still present in his heart that was beating rapidly wanting to leave his ribcage.

Yhought of losing something so precious and beautiful as her presence was making him tremble with fear. He hugged her stronger like she will disappear and shed a few tears. He won't break in front of her but it was kinda inevitable. But her calming voice was magical and soon all bad emotions disappeared leaving pure exitement and happiness in his heart that was still beating crazily against her.

When she was sure he calmed down she kissed his cheek and made him lie down in hope he will fall asleep again becase he looked so absent and almost half asleep alreadz. When she tried to stand up and leave he took her hand.

"Stay. Please." vulnerability could be read in his eyes.

"But I am just in the other room. I am close."

"Please..."

She sighed and pushed his body a bit signalising him to make place for her what he quickly did. Soon he could feel the touch of her arm that was around his body and her head rested on his chest. Sweet smell of vanilla radiated from her skin made everything spin for a moment and jolts of electrisity run through his body. Her soft hair always smelling like jasmines was brushing against his neck and he tangled his fingers in the silky strands. She took a deep breath enjoying his smell and the way his bed sheets smelled like chocolate and coffee,mixed with some strange aroma that made tingles run down her spine. She tried to burry her face deeper into his chest and get lost in the sound of his heartbeat. 

"What time is it?" he asked breaking the silence filled with  attraction and thick emotions floating around them.

"It's 2AM. You screamed. I was so scared."

"I dreamt of you. It was terrible. I got so scared too."

Silence again pressed against everything in the room and he thought how their hweartbeats almost harmonised. Her breath was hot and he could feel it on his skin through thin material of his shirt. His finger were still playing with her soft hair and he could swear she was smiling contently.

Pale moonlight was coming through opened window and fresh night breeze brought the smell of smoke and wet leaves. Room was dimly lighted by moonlight and light coming through half opened door from hall. Her breathing was so calm and her arm loosened its grip so he thought she is sleeping. He leaned and kissed the crown of her head closing his eyes. In this moment he didn't feel anxious anymore. All bad feelings and worries were forgotten for a moment and fact that he's lying to her got lost in sea of emotions he was drowning right now.

He still couldn't  believe how much he cared for her and how much he was addicted to her presence,her warm touches and lips. He read about this kind of attraction in books. It is magical and instant,pulls you deep into ocean of tension and emotions, desire and lust and is impossible to escape it.  He felt like he wants to kiss her until it hurs but also he wanted to refrain himself from touching her in fear to hurt her in the same moment. Sometimes feelings were driving him crazy and his body didn't know how to act. In this moment he could almost touch all emotions that caught then into trap of proximity and tension. He thought that she was sleeping and that gave him peace.

"Baekhyun?"her voice startled him a bit. It was almost whisper but he heard it clearly in complete silence cut only  by sound of cars passing by on far away road.

"I thought you're sleeping."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"What is happening to us? Do you feel it too?" he laughed a bit because it's like she just read his thoughts. It is almost teriffing:all this conection between them and how she knows what he's feeling in some moments without him saying it,and how her eyes are speaking all the time.

" Magic maybe. I don't know. It's hard to describe it." he felt like  words got stuck in his throath. He could not pour everything he felt. And fact that she's feeling the same just brough more excitement to his poor heart that is not able to calm its pace anymore.

He felt like river was flowing around him. A river with strong wave crushing against him without hueting him. That river was her. All her passion and affection he felt in every word and touch got him drowning in happiness every day. And although he was broken and depressive sometines and anxious lately, her words were calming like cold water and her touches like gentle waves of freshness brushing against his skin. And he knew he will drown in that river but he knew that he will break even more if he runs away.

"You're the writer here. Try to find the words." she looked at him smiling.

"Words are so worthless sometimes. They can be the strongest but also the weakes weapon. I am the writer here and I know.  And all thise feelings are like river. Let's let the flow,we'll see."

"How is everything about you so mysterious and yet I don't feel the need to know some things. I just let it flow like you said."

He wasn't able to form a sentece anymore. Her body so close and her words falling from her lips in such sweet melody,like lullaby, made him calm to the point he felt almost nothing exept contentment. Slowly his eyes closed and with sigh his mind started walking towards land of dreams hoping his next will be a happy one.

 His last thought before faling asleep was about  how powerless words are in some situations.

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5.5K...

The longest chapter till now. I am exhausted. Hope you like it.

I don't quite know what to say here so...

Ly💜

J🍀