|The heart that loved deeper finds me and makes me cry...|

Taeyeon-Time Lapse

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He found himself standing in front of girl's doors too early that Saturday's morning. Paper bag in his hand,nervously clutched and strange smell of spring's awakening and cheap cleanser lingering around his figure wrapped in cozy coat.

He rang the doorbell once. No answer. Twice- but still nothing. He decided to leave after another try. He already felt very uncomfortable because this sudden visit,but his mind was saying him that this is the perfect occasion to apologize for his inappropriate behavior. He thought a lot about that girl, unwillingly. She seemed very sensitive and kinda sad so he felt a bit guilty for hurting her pride. He knew how painful that is.

The wave of realif hitting him when he saw her sleepy face in front of him,her hair messily falling everywhere on her pink pajama. He let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. The nervousness and exitement from the moment ago disappeared and he tried to smile apologeticaly at shocked girl.
Her eyes, in colour of late autumn, doublesized at sight of his face now with glasses on his nose.

He raised his hand with a bag in it.

"I brought the clothes you borrowed me." His voice sounded gentlier and manlier than the first time. It had a glimpse of guilt in it and his eyes were nervously moving behind round glassed showing his exitement.
Her hand flew to her messy hair in atempt to fix it and straighten her clothes with emabarrassment painting her cheeks in pink.

"Come in." her rough morning voice was low yet full of demanding feeling in it, making her seem somehow angry. He thought how she has right to be mad at him, while entering her apartment and leaving the bag on the table.

The living room looked too decent,at the edge of poverty with  worn out rugs and old furniture. He felt like he is here for the first time,but the pleasant smell of home reminded him of his hangover headache and her delicious food.

Her hand gave him permission to sit and wait for her to change because he obviously woke her up.

His body was filled with strange tangles of guilt and shivers of embarrassment so unknown to him. So he couldn't sit comfortably in, not so comfortable, armchair and started walking in small room searching for some traces of her personality. He wanted to know everybody. That feature he prescribed to his writer's personality that was unbearably curious and sympathetic.

This girl looked like any other ordinary girl that passed through his life. Her small figure was stiff in front of him like many other's who were intimidated by his attitude. Her big eyes in warm colour were so sad and that affected him more than he wanted or expected. That feature of her face stayed in his mind although he wanted to forget everythig about that embarrassing night with her. Still her pleading and sorrowful look woke up his senses this morning again. This time he felt intimidated by sorrow in her eyes that seemed bigger than his.

His eyes,shining behind his glasses,were exploring beige walls of simple room and photos on them. All photos ware capturing the same person that somehow looked familiar to him. But he could swear that he hasn't seen that boy. Still his heart fastened a bit and his breath became shallow as he looked at smiling face at one of the photos.

The sound of her slippers made him turn around and meet her eyes again. Like he was caught in crime his hands flew to his lips to play with them because no words could leave them.

"Thank you for bringing it back. Those clothes mean a lot to me. They belong to my brother."

"Is this him?"

"Yes."

"I wondered a lot who they belong to because I thought that you live alone."

"I do." he felt the change in her voice and the atmosphere between them suddenly became very tensed and uncomfortable.

Her body fell into one chair around the small round table making him wonder is she really so tired how she looks. Her beautiful face was painted with sadness and worry not letting the nervousness to cover it so it finds way out through her trembling voice.

He sat too. Long sigh escaped his perfectly shaped lips,breaking the silence between them into milion pieces and soon his glasses were lying on the wooden surface of the table.

"We started this in a wrong way. I shoud intorduce myself first.I am Byun Baekhyun. Sorry for my previous behaviour."

Slight smile decorated her face letting his breathing stabilize because he was so sorry and nervous at the same time. This small smile lifted the stone from his heart and made him realize that she is not mad at all.

"Nice to meet you. Kim Sora."

The heavy silence pressed against their eardrums again and breathing sounded too loud to him so he was holding his breath again. Strong scent of jasmine coming from her body and smell of coffee was calming him and sending into land of daydreaming because silence lasted for too long. He didn't know what to say but he didn't feel like leaving either. Uncomfortable chair seemed more comfortable now when he knew who is sitting across him.

Her name was ordinary same as her apartment and voice. Her hair was way too long and dark and her body too small and fragile looking. Just her eyes were standing out not because they were beautiful but because of deep sorrow in  them that painted them  in darker shade of brown smudged uder unshed tears.

She had that piercing gaze that harms sympathetic souls and breaks hearts of people who know what pain feels like. Maybe that's why he could see through her eyes so easily.

"Why haven't you said me your name back then?"

"I am not the best person you could know. And I had a terrible headache. Sorry." 

"I should be the one deciding are you good or bad person."

"I think that we won't see again." faint laugh echoed in room full of memories and warmth,as he thought.

"Thank you again for bringing those."

"They really mean you a lot. Or you have sensitive brother who doesn't like the idea of his sister giving his things to a complete stranger who, by the way slept in her apartment."

She couldn't smile like he did. Her face became even sadder when they were standing in front of the wall covered with photos. Beautiful face was smiling from every of them making him feel strange pain in his stomach and bitter taste in his mouth. Strong guilt was griping his lungs making him almost choke but his breath remained calm to the girl, standing too close to him that he could almost feel hee trembling and sighing.

"They mean  a lot."

"He seems like a very good kid. Where is he?" the fear in his voice was good covered, but the strange hunch was suffocating him. Some flashbacks started flying before his eyes and he wanted the memories to stop coming back. His legs became weak suddenly and all he wanted was to leave that place without hearing or saying anything. Because now he could clearly see the letters from newspaper and voices of people but he couldn't connect all those stuffs with her. Those memories used to come back to him whenever they want but now he was feeling worse than ever. Despite the storm inside his mind and soul his face was calm and just one little muscle on his left cheek was flitching showing his inner battle.

"He is dead." her voice cracked and eyes glistered with tears, but they didn't fall. She strightened her back and started walking towards the door letting him know that she wants to be alone.

He understood. He felt the pain. He felt the tears in the back of his eyes too. Not because he pitied the girl. Not because her story was sad and she was suffocated with loss and sorrow. But because of the strange feeling in his stomach making hism sick with guilt and tears. Making him want that he didn't come at all because his old feeling were againg casualy walking through his heart full of scars making him feel enormous pain. So strong that he started thinking about crazy things.

Before he started walking towards the exit his eyes caught a piece of newspaper at one shelf on the wall. There was wristwatch and some small figures like toys,helplessly lying, covered with dust but he couldn't see clearly what the mass of colours represented because his sight became blur. Blur with pain and faint tears as he saw so well know text from newspaper that started: "Eighteen years old boy,Kim Jongin, died..."

Books flying through air heated with his anger and painful panting. His cactuses and plants were shatered and dead at floor now covered with wet ground and papers. The sound of glass breaking and chairs falling could be heard as his tears were watering already dead plants on the floor.

His shoes dirty with ground were stepping onto shatedred glass and pens lying around.

His arms didn't have enough strenght to hit the chairs and pillows,to break the table or pull the strings with photos from the wall. Whole, his body was aching and collapsing under strong pressure of despair and pain. Tears couldn't ease the pain or bring more air into his tightened chest.

Helplessly, his body,broken, fell onto floor. Back of his hands were collecting his tears as loud sniffs and sobs were breaking the silence .

He wanted to scream but he couldn't.

He wanted to die but he wasn't brave enough for that.

He just wanted everything to stop but it didn't.

So he was just weakly lying on floor curled into his emtyness and hatred again.

The anger again burned under his skin and he was ashamed again.

Then his eyes caught the bottle filled with brownish liquid that seemed like his salvation. This won't be his first time drowning all his worries in alcohol. But he hoped that it will be the  last. He crawled to bottle that, somehow, remained unharmed in all this mess.

Bitter taste of strong liquid calmed him instantly and his hands weren't shaking anymore. The guilt in his heart calmed with every new sip and his mind found it's way to half sleep in wich everything seemed less bad.

The old,precious clock was showing late afternoon hours when his eyes were blinded by shiny heels and he woke up under the strong parfume.

"Oh my god,Baekhyun what happened?" familiar voice sounded worried. With hooded eyes he looked her straight into eyes and laughed. Alcohol just started affecting him. But she has seen him in worse state before.

"Are you okay?"

"No. I never was."

"Come on, stand up."

"Is your brother here too?"

"No. He is still mad at me."

They left his ruimed apartment and he led her to the bar without noticing. Just when they reached the place and ordered  coffee for him and water for her, he realized that he is going to end up hurt again.

Same atmosphere of cheap jazz bar full of smoke and alcohol smell was before his eyes. But that picture was now decorated with a beautiful face of a girl sitting across him with her hair styled and lips pouting. She was same yet so differet from how he remembered.

He was a mess with unshaved face and eyes swollen from crying. People will think that he is sick.

"So it's true that girls are prettier after the break up."

"I see that you still have the same sense of humor."

"Why did you come back? And why did you come to find me?"

Her face suddenly became serious and her eyes shone with dufferent light of fear and cheerfulness. Her hand tuged her hair behind her ear and she straightened her back.

"I am getting married."

Happiness in her voice broke his heart. He thought that he didn't love her at all but it seems that he did. Because the fact that she belongs to someone else punched him in the face. Memories of the moments and smiles,warm words and understanding creeped into his mind and made a whole colage of pictures that he thought he forgot. He thought that he is not able to love because he couldn't love her how she deserved. But he forgot that he loved her after all. In some way,strange,like everything about him.

His words stopped in his dry throath and her eyes were big in anticipation of his upcoming words.

His expression soon was covered with a smile and words of congratiolations flew into thick air.

"I want to invite you to my wedding. You didn't care anyway, and I forgot everything so we should stay friends. I hope you could love me that way at least."

"Of course. Of course that I love you. We grew up together. I am regreting my past actions. I broke your heart."

"I am now thankful for that. You changed my life."

"I am glad to hear that."

She said what she wanted so the uncomfortable silence became his friend again. The room full of people's voices and instrumental music that floated slowly under the celing looked so disgusting to him. So unsuitable  for her delicate skin and sophisticated clothes.

Now he was so sorry for letting go of her. Maybe he would've  fallen in love eventualy and now she will be marrying him. He smiled at that silly thought.

He wanted to setle down so desperately. His heart longed for smell of home and warmth of someone's hug every morning before he opens his eyes. He wanted new reasons for living and writing,and breating that wouldn't be so hard.

That chance,with a woman sitting with him,sliped from his hands three years ago.

"What happened to you? Why you was like that before,in your apartment?"

"The past is haunting me again. And there is no escape from that maze called my life."

He laughed againg just not to start screaming or crying. Because all shadows from the past were coming back in the worst possible shape and in the worst moments. Everything was falling apart like weak house of cards when someone touches it.

"I heard about your father from my mother. I am sorry."

"Don't mention him. It's all his fault."

"It is not. You are the one that needs to let go and move on." her voice was completely serious now and he thought about her similarity with her brother. They had same calming eyes with glimpse of happiness always shining in them. Her voice wasn't as deep as his but wae equaly comforting and kinda demanding.

"You don't know how it feels. I can't ju...." words got stuck in his throath as the small figure of familiar girl walked on stage and sat in same chair. Her eyes caught his look for a moment then she shifted her attention to his companion then somewhere above their heads.

"Who is she?" Yoora asked as she searced girs face and exposed legs.

"How could I know?"

"Are we here because of her?"

"Are you listening to me? "

"Her appearance caught your attention in a strange way. She is pretty. Do you come here because of her?"

He was already annoyed by her insinuations that almost insulted him. He didn't know why he felt like that but he didn't wanted to see the girl ever again. Actually he knew but remembering the reasons was too painful.

The girl was indeed really pretty and her singing sounded better this time. Again she was singing some sad slow song driffting all people into dreamy atmosphere of concentration and silence.

He didn't answer the last question because everything became still and silent in anticipation. Only Sora's voice flew smoothly, hitting the walls and glasses,his heart and beaking into hidden tears at the end of the acord.

Yoora was silently drinking her water and observing him. His eyes were now fixated on the bunch of males standing in front of the stage. They seemed so disgusting to him.

He took off his glesses and looked at Yoora again with smile that should cover annoyance.

"What were you talking about?"

"I was talking about you. You must get out of that state."

"What state?"

He knew very well what she's refering to. But he couldn't admit it even to himself so he just lied and pretended that he is okay and that everythng is fine. But he forgot that she is Chanyeol's sister with the same ability of reading all his expressions and feelings.

"For example since when you come to places like this?"

"Since I don't have as much money as I had before. And to this bar I came only when I have to deal with you Parks."
This laugh was the first sincere one but still filled with painful memories of his firght with her brother.

"Interesting. I can't believe that two of you are not talking. It's insnane."

"I would rather not talk about that. Maybe you should go home now. Your fiance will ger concerned."

"You can't escape from my words Baekhyun. I am worried about you. You are not okay. I don't know what it is exactly but you must fight it. I don't think it's love problem because you are not someone who gets attached so easily."

"I would be happy if it's love pain."

"You wouldn't, trust me."

They exited the barat eight in the evening letting their senses being huged by fresh air. Although they were ex lovers who haven't seen or heard anything about each other for three years they talked casusaly about many things until they reached his apartment.

"I think that I won't come to the wedding. Sorry."

"But why?"

"You don't want drunk ex boyfriednd to deal with on a special day like that."he snorted and started looking for his keys.

"You should drink a bit less. Take care of yourself. Or find someone who would." With that words and smile around her mouth she walked away leaving him with words at the tip of his tongue and some regret lingering in his heart.

She was right about everything and he hated it.

His eyes were searching for his favorite plant that Chanyeol bought to him but it was ruined,lying on the floor in a mass of leaves,paper and ground. He sighed sadly at the sight before his eyes, comletelly aware that he destroyed everything again.

All his memories and treasures were broken and his own hands were enjoying doing it. He felt so relieved when he heard the sound of glass breaking and paper ripping,his pens hitting the floor disappearing under the armchairs and table.

Now he was aware that no memories can be saved as long as past is gripping your heart tightly and aching at the end of the day.

Again he was crying and tidying up in the midnight. But now he was throwing everything he loved into deep black plastic bag that swallowed everything effortlessly and left him wondering if he should live at all.

He found the photo of his father and ripped into milion pieces thinking that memories will disappear with that too. But they didn't .

Flashbacks of newspaper,people talking,journalists asking and his father with pleading eyes. He hated him so much. He killed all his peace and happiness in one day leaving him with trauma and without right to be proud. He closed all doors for his son beforehand leaving him with nothing but ability to destroy everything he touches.

He was hidding the truth now and he felt like that feeling of guilt will last for  long because there is no escape from destiny and his smiled to him today.

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I'm not happy how it turned out but I have no idea how to change it either....