"My mother is still alive," i said, half happily and half pissed off.

"Where is she? Who is she? Why doesn't she let me know? Who were the people who raised me?"

.

Russel staggered to his feet.

"How do ... they ... git da ... carm-a-milk in da ... carm-a- milk bars?"

He started to laugh, but then fell on his back, again. In a second he was snoring.

.

Crows snore?

.

"I often ... wondered ... 'bout dat ... meself."

General Bob staggered toward Russel and collapsed across his belly.

Russell put his wing over the rat.

.

"Isn't that cute?" Betty remarked.

.

I shook my head.

"Baron. How do you know my mother is still alive?"

.

He stared at me for what seemed an eternity.

"Because ..."

.

I sat forward.

.

"Because ..."

.

Betty sat forward.

.

"Because ..."

.

Calvin cleaned his glasses.

.

"Because ..."

.

"BARON !!!"

.

"I am your father, Krall."

.

I swore I could hear startling music in the background.

'How could he be my father?'

"How can you be my father?"

.

"I met your mother at the local Co-op, many years ago. We both reached for the same cantaloup at the same time.

It was the only one left. It was a little bruised and soft, but I guess we both had a craving for cantaloup.

I prefer it to watermelon or carrots."

.

I had no idea what the hell carrots had to do with anything.

"Baron, please."

.

"Anyway, we started talking and both realized that we like the same kind of music and T.V. shows and women's magazines. And we both liked knitting and crocheting and shooting gophers."

.

"But weren't you married at the time?" Betty asked.

.

The Baron nodded.

"I was, but my wife was a bit of a whore. She slept with pretty much everyone from the mail carrier to the homeless guy who lived in a cardboard box behind the funeral home."

.

'TMI,' I thought.

.

"TMI, Baron," Betty chirped.

.

"I fell in love with your mother, Krall. She was the light of my life. My little Hummingbird."

I stared at Betty.

Betty stared at Calvin.

Calvin cleaned his glasses.

Harold was trying to push Betty off him.

Russell farted.

.

Can crows fart?

.

"But I thought your wife's name was Hummingbird?" I inquired.

.

The Baron nodded.

"It was, but I never called her that. I had a different nickname for her."

.

I knew I shouldn't ask.

.

"What was that?" Betty asked, instead.

"Two bit tramp, whore slut."

.

I was getting a headache. Why was everything in this house so damn difficult?

.

I looked at the drunk rat and crow sleeping together and the three ghosts in my common room.

And why was I calling it a common room?

Suddenly my confusion was becoming clear.

"But I was under the understanding that you died many years ago."

.

The Baron shook his head.

"No. I died in 1987."

.

"I was born in 1986."

.

"You're 30?"

.

I looked at Betty.

"Yea, why?"

.

She shrugged.

"I thought you were like 40 or something."

.

"Do I look that old?"

.

"Well a little. Might be the beard and such."

.

"It does make you look older, Krall," Calvin added, nodding.

.

Betty nodded too.

.

"Well I guess the beard goes then."

.

"I like worms," Russell slurred, still asleep.

.

"Krall?"

.

I looked at the Baron.

"Oh sorry. Carry on."

.

"Like I was saying. I died in 1987."

.

"But I thought they stopped burying people in the cemetery in the 50s?"

.

The Baron nodded.

"They did."

.

"Then how are you here?"

.

"I am buried in the basement of the house."

.

"WHAT?" I yelled.

.

"WHAT?" Betty snapped.

.

"WHAT?" Calvin screamed.

"There is a body in the basement."

He ran into the walls again.

.

Harold let out a long sigh.

"He really is a disgrace to ghosts."

.

I really was getting a headache.

And I was getting no closer to understanding what was going on.

"Look can we all just focus here for a few minutes."

I turned my attention back to the Baron.

"Please. Please. For the love of all that is kind and good in the world, make me understand all of this."

.

"It is pretty simple, Krall.

Your mother and I were in love. My wife ran off with her dental hygienist."

.

"She had a male hygienist?" Betty inquired.

.

The Baron shook his head.

.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh," Betty sighed.

"You were one of those men."

.

"Those men?"

.

"The ones that turn women gay."

.

The Baron ignored her, like he should.

"As I was saying. Two bit tramp, whore slut, ran off with tooth girl. Your mother and I became very close and intimate.

One day she told me she was pregnant.

I can't even tell you how happy I was. I asked her to marry me, but she said she couldn't, not as long as I was still married to the two bit tramp whore slut, who ran off with the tooth fairy."

.

"Well it is against the law," Betty added.

"Unless you live in Utah or Los Angeles."

.

I took Betty's hand.

"Sweetie, please."

.

'Shit did I say that out loud.'

.

"What did you say?" Betty gasped, smiling.

.

"Tweetie. I said Tweetie. It's the new pet name I have for you.

The 's' is silent."

I knew I was turning fifty shades of red and my palms were sweating.

I wondered if Betty noticed.

.

"Honey Puffin, your hands are sweating."

.

She did notice.

'Did she just call me Honey Puffin?'

.

The Baron continued.

"I tried to find the tramp whore slut, but she was no where to be found. I wanted to look after your mother, but she said she could not live with me, as long as I was still married."

The Baron wiped his eyes.

.

Can ghosts cry?

.

"Then she left. I went to see her one day and she was gone. Her landlady said she had packed up and left. She didn't know where she went.

I was heartbroken. I looked for her for almost two years. I could not find her.

Finally I came back here. I lid down on my bed one night, cried myself to sleep and never woke up.

I left instructions for Nick to bury me in the basement in the cold room."

.

"Nick?"

.

"My butler. He would look after the house while I was gone."

.

"What happened to Nick?"

.

The Baron shook his head.

"I have no idea."

.

"He drank himself to death," Harold added, casually.

"They did bury him in the old cemetery. Me and Nick chat sometimes."

.

There was still one more question I needed to ask.

One more detail that would put everything in perspective,

that would bring the final light to this whole scenario,

to tie it all neatly together,

to giftware it beautifully,

to ...

.

"So who is Krall's mother?" Betty asked.

.

I stared at her.

"I was going to ask that."

.

"You looked like you were falling asleep. And the suspense was killing me, Honey Puffin."

She giggled.

She had a cute giggle.

And how did pony tails appear in her hair?

.

I turned my attention back to the Baron.

"So. Who is my mother."

.

"Your mother is ..."

.

I sat forward.

.

"Your mother is ..."

.

Betty sat forward.

.

"Your mother is ..."

.

Russell burped.

.

Can crows burp?

.

"WHO IS HIS/MY MOTHER?" Betty and I yelled in unison.

.

"Your mother is Ethel Sueann Parsons."