"There is nothing unusual about this house," I repeated.

"Why would you even say that?"

.

She shook her head.

"Oh, I don't know. Other than the fact that a crow just flew into the kitchen and landed on that bird perch next to you."

.

I sipped my beer, trying to ignore Russell, who had just flown in.

"What crow?"

.

Russell walked to the edge of the perch and crowed as loudly as he could, right next to my ear.

.

"That crow," Betty pointed out, as i tried to stop the ringing in my ear.

.

I nodded.

"That's not really a crow," I grimaced, as I turned to Russell.

"That is dinner."

.

Russell crowed and crapped on the floor.

.

I looked at the shit on the floor and back to Russell.

He was smiling.

"Yep."

I turned to Betty again.

"Would you like to stay for dinner. I make a mean crow stew."

.

Betty looked shocked.

.

Russell laughed.

"You can hardly toast bread."

.

I glared at Russell.

Betty let out a little shriek.

.

"Oops," Russel said, quickly.

"I mean, caw."

.

Betty pointed at Russell.

"He talks?"

.

I shook my head.

"No, well sometimes he does vocalize a little."

.

Russell nodded.

"Yes. Some ... times ... i ... speaka ... da ... English."

.

I turned.

"Really. A Spanish accent."

.

"Well what did you expect? I didn't know we had company."

He crapped on the floor.

"Shit."

He flew to the counter and pulled off a piece of paper towel with his beak and then attempted to clean up the crap on the floor.

"Yuk," he squawked, spitting out the paper towel.

"Smells like shit."

.

I cleaned up the rest, as Russell jumped back up on the perch.

.

"He does talk," Betty said, amazed.

.

Russell whispered to me as I sat down.

"A real intellectual giant you have there, Krall."

.

Betty threw an empty beer can at Russell.

"I heard that."

.

I like this woman.

.

"Did you see that?" Russell barked.

"She tried to kill me."

He stuck his tongue out at Betty.

"And you throw like a girl."

.

"If I wanted to kill you," Betty said, calmly.

"I would have used this."

She reached into her bag and pulled out the largest pistol I have ever seen.

.

I put up my hands.

Russell put up his wings.

.

Betty laughed.

"Put your hands down," she laughed, waving the gun around.

.

Russell and I ducked.

.

"I have money," I spit out.

.

Betty put the gun on the table.

"Calm down, Krall. I haven't shot anyone in a long time."

.

"Surprising," Russell snipped, sarcastically.

.

She picked up the gun again and pointed it at Russell.

"But I can always start again."

.

Russell crapped.

.

"Oops," Betty said.

"Sorry."

.

I did not hear her, since there was something moving in her oversized body bag.

I pointed to the bag.

.

"Shit," she whispered.

"I forgot about him."

.

"Him?"

.

She opened the bag and out walked the rat I had seen earlier.

Yes, it walked out.

.

Then the shit hit the fan.

.

"RAT," Russell yelled.

.

"CROW," the rat yelled.

.

"SHIT," Betty yelled.

"DON'T SAY THAT," I yelled.

.

Too late, Russell did.

Shit, I mean.

.

Russell jumped off the perch, onto the table and started for the rat.

The rat pulled a tiny little gun from a tiny little holster on his tiny little waist.

.

"Back off crow, or you're going down."

.

Russell laughed.

"With that little thing."

.

The rat shot at Russell.

He was knocked back off the table, onto the floor.

.

"You killed my crow," I snapped at the rat.

.

The rat put the gun back in it's holster.

"He is only stunned."

.

There was the loudest crow I had ever heard and Russell appeared again. In a second, he had the rat pinned, beak aimed.

"Now you die, you filthy, disease infested, sewer dwelling, foul smelling, bad breathed rodent."

.

Betty grabbed Russell and pulled him off.

"Leave the General alone."

.

Russell picked her in the head.

Betty screamed.

Russell started back for the perch.

The rat drew his gun again and fired.

I put out my hand to protect Russell.

.

Bad plan.

"That STINGS," I yelled.

I went to grab the rat, but Betty grabbed him first.

.

"CALM DOWN. EVERYONE," she yelled.

.

At that moment, Calvin walked into the kitchen, carrying the iPad.

"Krall? I can't seem to get off this site. It keeps ...."

He saw Betty.

"Oops."

He saw the rat.

"RAT."

The iPad went flying into the air and down into the sink ...

filled with water.

.

Calvin jumped up on the counter, stomping his feet and screaming, "RAT, RAT, RAT."

.

Betty screamed.

"GHOST."

She jumped up on the chair, stomping her feet and screaming, "GHOST, GHOST, GHOST."

.

The rat pulled that stupid gun again and fired at Calvin.

It went straight through him and smashed my kitchen window out.

.

"SON-OF-A-BITCH," I yelled, reaching for the rat.

.

Russell was quicker.

He flew across and grabbed the rat.

He headed for the window.

.

"DROP THAT RAT," Betty yelled.

.

Russell laughed.

"Okay."

He dropped the rat ... in the sink.

.

"HE CAN'T SWIM," Betty screamed, jumping off the chair.

.

Calvin saw the splashing rat and he screamed.

Betty got to close to Calvin and she screamed.

I saw the iPad sink, in the water and I screamed.

Russell crapped.

I screamed.

.

Harold walked in the kitchen.

"What's with all the screaming?"

.

He saw Betty.

"CUTE GIRL," he screamed as he ran into the wall.

.

Betty looked at me.

I shrugged.

She screamed, after seeing another ghost.

.

The rat was sinking below the water.

.

"Shit," i said, as I stood up, realizing I had to save a rat.

.

Russell did.

Shit ... well you knew that.

.

Betty and I both screamed at Russell.

.

I grabbed the rat.

.

"DO MOUTH TO MOUTH," Betty screamed.

.

I held the rat upside down by its tail.

"I don't think so," I said calmly.

.

Betty screamed, grabbing the rat and quickly administering mouth to mouth.

"Call 911."

.

I looked at Russell.

We both laughed.

.

Betty screamed.

"I'm losing him."

.

At that moment, the Baron decided to join us.

"Hummingbird."

.

Betty saw the Baron.

.

The Baron saw Betty.

"Hummingbird?"

.

Another scream.

She pushed on the rat's belly.

Water spurted into the air.

.

"Cool," Russell remarked.

"Do it again."

.

Betty and I both yelled, "RUSSELL."

.

The rat gasped.

Betty gasped.

Calvin screamed, "It's alive."

Harold screamed from in the walls.

Russell flew at the rat.

The rat shot at Russell.

Betty grabbed the rat.

I grabbed Russell.

.

"Hummingbird."

.

There was screaming and swearing and screaming and ....

finally ....

.

"SHUTTTTTTTTTT UPPPPPPPPPPP."