"What about Ethel Sueann?" Betty inquired.

"Sorry," I said, shaking my head.

"Just thinking out loud."

"How do you know my aunt?"

'Ethel Sueann is your aunt?'

"Ethel Sueann is your aunt?"

Betty nodded.

"Yes, by marriage. She married my Dad's brother."

I was intrigued.

"I am intrigued," I said aloud, as I began to sit down in the chair next to me.

"NO," Betty yelled.

No, what?

No, I am not intrigued?

No, Ethel Sueann is not her aunt?

No, I cannot sit down?

No, she doesn't know how they got the caramilk in the Cadbury Caramilk bar?

She reached behind me and picked up something from the chair.

"You almost sat on Rupert Robert."

The rat.

She held it up, just inches from my face.

"Say hello to Rupert Robert."

"Its a rat," I said nonchalantly.

She covered his ears.

"Shhhhh. Do you want to hurt his feelings?"

"Ahhhhhh. No?"

"Rupert Robert is very sensitive about his nationality."

Okay, it is official.

Betty Boopkininsky, should be Betty Bonkers.

She looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and flipped me the finger again as she pushed her glasses back.

"I know you probably think I am a little crazy."

I shook my head.

'A little? No.'

"Not at all."

She turned away and put Rupert Robert on the desk.

"It gets very lonely here. This is all I have in my life. A woman my age doesn't have much to look forward to."

I knew I shouldn't ask, but ...

What the hell.

"How old are you?"

She started blushing.

"I just turned 30 a few weeks ago."

I stared blankly.

"I know," she sighed.

"I am an old maid."

"Thirty is not old," I assured her.

"I am the same age."

"Yes, but men don't mature until they are like 50. For a woman like me, well, the pickings get mighty slim, at this advanced age.

A handsome man like you, could have his pick of any woman."

Now it was my turn to blush.

"Believe me. Not the case."

I didn't like the way the conversation was going.

"So tell me about your aunt Ethel."

I went to sit back down again, checking the chair before I did.

"Not much to tell. She married Uncle Ernie, late in life. They had no kids and Uncle Ernie disappeared in the Pristine Lake forest."

If I expected more, i wasn't getting it.

Reader's Digest version, I guess.

"Anything else?"

She shook her head.

"We are not a very close family. Most of my family ignore me, because of my age. It is embarrassing to have an old maid in the family.

But, i am okay with that. I have my library and Rupert Robert and Netflix."

And I thought I was withdrawn.

Which of course I was.

"Why do you want to know about Aunt Ethel Sueann and Harold and Calvin?"

"Just curious. I bought the old Curtainbach estate."

Her eyes opened wide.

"Really?

They say it is haunted.

Have you seen any ghosts?

Are there spirits wandering the halls, crying out in eternal agony, looking for a way out of their earthly existence and an everlasting home in heaven?

Are there any talking crows?"

"What? Why would you ask that?"

"Ask what?" she wondered.

"The ghosts, the spirits? Actually they are pretty much the same thing. I read once ..."

I stopped her.

"No. Why would you ask about talking crows?"

She shrugged.

"Just seemed like a logical thing to ask. Haunted house. Talking crows. Demon dogs. Vampires. Aliens."

"What?"

I was puzzled beyond my wildest dreams.

"Where did that come from?"

"Just rumours," she quipped.

"People talk."

I looked around the empty library.

"What people?"

"People on the internet."

"But you said you have no computer."

Betty laughed.

"Of course I have a computer, silly. The library doesn't have one. They can't afford it. They actually can't even afford to pay me."

"You work for free?"

She laughed and slapped my shoulder.

"No silly. They let me live here for free. I have a room in the back and I have a part time job as a cashier at the Co-op so I can buy food and tampons."

This was strange, even for me.

"I have to go."

"Do you want to see my room?"

"Ah," I hesitated for like 2 seconds.

"I can't right now. I have to get back and wash my tub."

"Oh," she said excitedly.

"Thanks for reminding me. It is Rupert Robert's bath night."

I swear I heard the rat scream, as it scurried off the desk and into the darkness of the rear of the library.

"Yea, well, you have a nice day."

I started for the door.

"Well you can come back anytime."

"I don't know. I am kinda allergic to books."

She was following me.

"Really? Well maybe we can go for a coffee."

I shook my head.

"Allergic to coffee too."

"Well we could go to Paulie's Pub for a drink."

My hand was on the door know.

"I'm allergic to Paulie's."

I opened the door and ran to the van, afraid to look back, in case she was following.

I jumped in the van, locked the doors and started off.

As I looked in the rearview mirror, I saw her standing at the door to the library, waving at me.

I felt bad for running off on her, but her crazy was even crazier than my crazy.

Besides, I had to get back to the house. No telling what trouble Calvin was causing.

As I turned off the main road onto the dirt road that led to my house, a crow hit my windshield.

I slammed on the brakes and it disappeared off the hood.

I parked the van and jumped out.

"Russell?"

The crow was lying silent on the road.

I knelt on the ground next to it and put my ear near its mouth.

Mistake #1.

"Asshole."

The crow pecked me in the ear.

More accurately, Russell pecked me.

I jumped to my feet.

"That fucking hurts."

Russell flew up to the hood.

"It was supposed to. I have been chasing you around all day. Didn't you hear me calling you?"

"When?"

"I was flying over the van when you were on your way to Leduc."

I rolled my eyes.

"And just how was I supposed to hear you over the sound of the van and the radio station?"

He nodded.

"Good point."

He flew through the open window of the van, on the passenger's seat.

AND SHIT.

"Why did you do that?" I barked, as I sat in the driver's seat.

"You deserved it."

He pointed up the road, with his wing.

"Home, Krall."