Love is a funny thing.

Barely noticeable, yet one of the most powerful forces in the world. A force that exceeds the terrors of war, greed and violence.

People always say that if there is one thing worth fighting for, it is love. It knows no bounds; not from race, gender, nationality, language or faith.

It comes in so many forms. Eros, the sexual and passionate love. Philia, also known as friendship or bearing goodwill to another. Storge, the familial love that is supposed to connect a child and their family. Agape, the universal love that connects you to the rest of your world, to nature and even to strangers you've never met. Ludus, the playful and uncommitted love. Pragma, the kind of practical love founded on reason or duty and one's long-term interests. Lastly there's Philautia, which is self-love; a blessing and a curse.

Love is such a funny thing if you think about it.

It makes your heart flutter around certain people and the world seems just a little brighter whenever they're around. You care for them, you care about their life, their interests, their hardships; if you could, you'd probably sacrifice your own happiness to guarantee theirs. Sometimes, you wonder what it'd be like to spend the rest of your life with them, seeing their smile every day.

Because every time they smile, your life seems worth living. Every time they laugh, you're grateful to be alive, thankful to be a part of their time on this earth. You hold them in their time of need and in the best case, they do the same for you. They care about your hardships. They care about you and stick by your side through it all.

Because that is what love does to a person.

So why did Legoshi leave?

Standing there, completely alone in the darkness of the night, beneath the stone arches you once admired so much for their beauty and now hate for what they remind you of, your heart shatters inside your chest.

You didn't feel this type of pain when you died, nor when you realized that you wouldn't be able to go back. Every single panic attack that plagued you afterwards didn't come close to this. When the Shishigumi captured you and almost ended your life once again, the pain you felt back then is nothing compared to the one that consumes your entire body at this very moment.

Legoshi gave you hope.

Hope that no matter what happened to you, someone would be in your corner and help you through it. Hope that you weren't destined to live the rest of this damned existence utterly alone. He gave you hope that no matter what, things would be okay.

That you would be okay.

But he left. Like everyone else, he left you without even giving you an explanation. Just like Louis, he didn't seem to think that you're worth an explanation.

You hate this; every single drop of blood inside of you is boiling to a point where breathing is too much to bear. You want to claw at your scalp, your skin; you want to destroy yourself to a point where you are no longer recognizable. The anger that burns within your chest, the disappointment and frustration, none of it is directed at Legoshi.

No, instead, your own mind turns on you. Somehow, you're the one to blame for all of this.

So many people have left you in the past. Aisha and the rest of your roommates, Louis and now Legoshi. Surely, there's something wrong with you.

At this point, you don't have the strength to remain standing. The harsh floor scrapes against the skin on your knees but you don't give a single flying fuck about that anymore. So you tear down your walls, the barriers that kept all this damage hidden inside of you, and you wail.

Like a banshee, you wail and scream; so long until your voice is hoarse and silent. You cry until there are no more tears left to shed and the skin on your cheeks burns from the salty liquid.

You let it all out until there is nothing left inside of you. Until you're numb; unable to feel a single thing. And maybe, it's better this way.

Time passes way too fast and far too slow at the same time; you're sure you've lost your connection to reality at this point. There's no recollection in your head of how you ended up back at your dorm. The door opens with a high-pitched squeak, causing all of the cheerful conversation in the room to cease. No one speaks as you remove your shoes, going through your routine like a living corpse, unbuttoning your uniform on your way to your bunk bed. Without bothering to fix your tear-stained face, you put on your pyjamas and turn your back to your roommates.

The chatter, now nothing more than a whisper, returns soon after as you curl into the fetal position. Their voices fall on deaf ears; in a way, you merely exist with no understanding for the world around you. Sleep doesn't come to you for a long time; when it does, you're awoken more than once during the night by a multitude of nightmares that you cannot remember.

Naturally, you feel like absolute shit the next day. Ignoring the massive headache plaguing you, as well as the slight chest pains in your upper torso, you go through your classes like you'd do on any other day. Not that you actually understand what the teacher is saying. You take notes but ultimately, the world around you seems like a blur.

You sit outside on a lone bench during your lunch period, not particularly hungry. The shame and anger devour you alive from the inside out, the desire to feel something other than those fucked up emotions growing with every passing minute.

So much so that you only react with a slight gasp of surprise when a heavy load of freezing cold, most likely dirty water is dumped over your head.

Wiping the water from your face, you turn around only to see a small group of animals run away, laughing at your expense.

Probably some more Goons from Juno's little fan-club...

Surprisingly, the water doesn't bother you. Neither does the freezing cold that engulfs you when the wind picks up, leaving you utterly exposed. Still, it's the first time you feel something other than self-hatred in hours.

You're furious. Furious at the world and those idiots that decided to throw a bucket of water on you. And it's a gigantic difference whether you despise yourself or the world.

Hating the world is a whole lot easier to bear.

Maybe that's what leads you to your next decision, may it be stupid and unreasonable. Nonetheless, it's a lot easier to dial that horrible number than it is to burden Haru, your only anchor left, with your problems.

"This is Doctor Masago. How may I help you?" A cold voice sounds from the other end of your phone, uncomfortable shivers running down your spine once you hear it.

"Hello Doctor, this is Y/n. The human under your care." You explain yourself, though you're sure the maned wolf is already aware of who you are. "I was wondering if we could possibly re-schedule my next check-up to tomorrow."

She hesitates for a moment, though you know that she's not going to decline any chance to experiment on you like a lab rat. "Of course we can. May I ask what the sudden change in demeanour is about? You didn't seem particularly fond of our work the last few times you've been here."

"I just figured out that the more information you uncover about my species, the easier it is for me to live an ordinary life in this society." You respond, knowing full well how fool-proof your lie is. "Shall I come by tomorrow around the same time as usual?"

"Yes, we will inform the headmaster of your school of the changes. Thank you for cooperating with us, Y/n. I will see you tomorrow."

"See you, Doc." You reply leisurely, ending the call in an instant.

Well, guess I really just did that...at least it'll give me something to focus on. And less possibilities to see Legoshi.

Am I being dramatic about this? I'm not sure anymore...

Your head aches as you lift your gaze to the sky, observing the many dark clouds flying past.

"Seems like it's going to rain later..." You mumble, closing your eyes for a few seconds to ease the pain. "I don't think I'll go to drama club today. It's not like they're going to miss me anyway."

And soon enough, the first drop of rain landed on your delicate skin. You had sent the President a text, letting him know that you wouldn't be joining them today with the excuse that you're 'not feeling well'. It wasn't a complete lie; you still feel like you got hit by a train.

You focused on your studies to the best of your abilities for the rest of the day after your classes ended, sometimes watching the rain wreaking havoc outside your window for longer than intended. In a way, you truly do feel like you're overreacting here; it was a simple break-up, a mistake on your part.

But you couldn't help the way you feel. Though looking back at everything that you've been through, it was only a matter of time until your demons caught up with you. Now, you couldn't run anymore.

And honestly, you're tired of running. So fucking tired.

You're just numb to everything. Despising yourself seems normal at this stage, wondering what the fuck is wrong with you. And to think that just yesterday, you had been so goddamn happy.

Bizarre how fast the wind can change its course.

The next day, you leave the grounds of Cherryton High at the break of dawn, dressed in casual clothes and an umbrella at your side. It's still raining, the dark sky up above had yet to vanish. Walking through the city, an oddity among the beasts around you, you finally find your way to the familiar building you'd spend the next few hours in. The tall skyscraper towers above you menacingly and a small part of you wondered whether or not it was wise to come here. But it's too late to go back now.

After informing the secretary about your arrival you are escorted to your usual changing room by Robun and Kazuo, two German Sheppard guards that you've become familiar with over the many times you've been here. The white material of your medical clothing irritates your skin the same way it always did, made up of a tank top and  thin sweatpants. You're not allowed to wear shoes in the laboratory, the doctors want to observe every possible detail about your anatomy.

Doctor Masago, a tall female Maned wolf and the head of this operation regarding your case, lifts her gaze from her clipboard once you enter the lab, the guards right behind you. "Y/n, how are you? I assume your studies are going well?"

"I'm doing alright, Doctor. And yes, my studies are doing fine." You respond, shaking her hand with a fake smile. Not that hers is real either; it didn't take long for you to figure out how little these people actually cared about your well-being. "I assume we're getting started right away?"

"We are indeed." She smiles, the dangerous glint in her ebony eyes causing a shiver to run down your spine. You've got a long day ahead of you.

***

Ten hours later, you could barely stand. Your limbs were constantly shaking, your skin having lost its colour due to the massive amounts of blood they took from you. Various band aids covered your arms, small bruises forming around the areas where they rammed the needles into your skin without any compassion or sympathy for you. Despite struggling to change into your ordinary clothes again, you accepted Doctor Masago's offer of scheduling another appointment three days from now.

You should've said no. Any sane person would've. So why didn't you?

It's simple, really.

The pain you feel now, the overwhelming anger and hatred for these doctors and that horrible laboratory, it all is far better to deal with than feeling absolutely nothing.

It's easier to hate the world than it is to hate yourself.

You leave the building, only to notice that the rain hadn't faded in the slightest. With a sigh, you take out your umbrella before embarking on your journey back to the train station.

Rain pours down from the heavens, hitting the concrete with almost deafening splashes. It irritated you to no end, reminding you of the feeling you get when somebody scratches their nails on the blackboard.

Avoiding bumping into people to the best of your abilities, you keep your head low. The water on the street splashes against your shoes as your body moves on auto-pilot. Your mind on the other hand, thinks of something you hadn't thought of for quite some time.

Your family. Your old world. Your old life.

How are they?

Are they still mourning or were they never sad about your death to begin with?

Does anyone even miss you?

Truly, you wonder how things are back in your old world. A curiosity that would never be satisfied because you're stuck here.

I wonder...what's my murderer doing at this very moment?

Suddenly, a hand lands on your shoulder.

Caught off guard, you turn your body and curl your fist, swinging your arm full force at the stranger. However, they merely catch your fist with their hand, digging their claws into your skin as they stare down at you with familiar golden eyes.

"Damn, what's got you so on edge, sugar?"

"Va-...Valentina?" In an instant, you let your arm fall to your side, only now noticing that the raindrops are hitting your skin. Glancing to the side whilst panting heavily as you recover from the shock, you see your umbrella on the ground and you are quick to pick it up. "I-I'm sorry, I was just...you just surprised me."

"I figured that much," The mountain lion mumbles, adjusting the many rings on her fingers while she looks at you with worried eyes, "Say, are you alright, sweetie?"

"Yeah, I'm doing fine," Clearing your throat, you cross your arms in the hope that it'll hide your constant trembling, "I'm doing better than ever."

"Aha, so what are you doing in the black market?"

Black market?!

"W-What?" With wide eyes, you let your gaze sway over your surroundings, only to realize that she's right. You're in one of the back alleys of the black market without a single clue on how you ended up here. "But I...how? I was just on my way to the station and...and..."

The mountain lion's worry visibly increases and she gently touches your shoulder, a motherly smile on her face. "Have you eaten yet, sugar?"

You shake your head and Valentina motions for you to follow her, which you do without hesitation. She was quite literally the only one you trusted at this point. Sure, you trust Haru, too, but not to the point where you could tell her all about what's been going on with you. Besides Legoshi, Valentina is the only one that's aware of where you came from.

"What's with all that medical stench on you?" That question catches you off-guard, though the mountain lion simply grins at your reaction. "Don't try to lie to me, kid. A feline's nose may not be as exceptional as that of a canine but I doubt even an herbivore would miss that obvious stench of disinfectant and other hospital shit on you."

"I've got this thing with a group of doctors and scientists not too far from here. They're the reason I'm even allowed to have some kind of normal life." You answer, your eyes focused on the ground below you and your reflection in the puddles of muddy water. "They support me financially in exchange for getting to run some tests on me every now and then."

"Oh? Makes sense, I guess." Stuffing her hands into the pockets of her expensive-looking trench-coat, she arches an eyebrow at you as her tone turns from curious to suspicious. "When's your next appointment then?"

For a moment, you hesitate. "...In three days."

"What the-? What kind of dickhead came up with that idea?!" She growls as she approaches a rather ordinary looking apartment complex. It's not as tall as those that reside on the main streets, though you're guessing that is because you're still on black market territory. In comparison to most other buildings in this area though, this one seems almost high-class. "Does Legoshi know about this?"

"No." She's taken aback by your sharp response, though you pretend to not notice as you follow her into the building. Once the two of you are in the elevator, she gives you a calculating side-glance. "Is everything alright with between you and that pup? I assume he asked you out after rescuing you from the Shishigumi."

"We broke up."

"Are you kidding me?" The feline groans, her ear flicking to the side in annoyance. "Why?"

"Guess I'm just not what he wanted." Following after her once the elevator arrives on the seventh floor, she stops at a fancy-looking door at the end of the hallway. "Well, he's an idiot for it."

With confusing enthusiasm, she swings the door open."Home sweet home. Come on in, sugar!"

Carefully, you step into the apartment, setting your umbrella down in the designated stand right next to the door and stepping out of your shoes. The first thing that greets you is the living room and the open kitchen to your left. The interior design is mostly held in black, white and burgundy, with accents of gold. The entire wall of the living room is made up of huge windows, giving you the ability to see far into the dark alleys and the black market. Two large burgundy couches sit facing each other in front of the window, a small coffee table in between them. The kitchen is separated from the living area by a black bar, filled with various bottles of alcohol. A black dinner table with four seats stands a few feet in front of it.

There's another closed door to your left as you stand in front of the large line of windows and a staircase to your right that leads to the upstairs area. Though that's not what catches your attention. No, something entirely unexpected demands that from you.

As you turn your body to the left, you come face to face with an entire wall displaying about a dozen of different weapons. From regular guns to shotguns, rifles, machine guns, assault rifles, pistols and katanas; all of them are a menacing onyx colour.

"Gorgeous, aren't they?" Valentina whispers in your ear when she suddenly appears behind you. Though surprisingly, you're not overrun by panic. You do not fear for your life, nor is your brain screaming at you to run to safety.

Instead, everything is silent within you. Once again, you feel nothing.

"Now," Peaking over your shoulder, you watch as the mountain lion takes off her trench-coat and sits down on one of the two sofas, crossing her legs whilst she leans back against the soft burgundy material, "Why don't you have a seat, Sugar?" 

****

HEYHO HOMIES! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

We've got some more PTSD, yay! This is probably the right time to say that, if the MC ever comes to life, I will be murdered. I won't even be mad about it though, look at what I'm putting the poor girl through.

For those that are confused, emotional numbing is another symptom of PTSD. I did some more research and am planning to incorporate it into this story, seeing as simple panic attacks get boring after a while and our MC has some added trauma to the cake.

Once again, I am quite excited to work with the MC at this low point and writing mental illness in general. I don't know if I mentioned it before but whilst Legoshi goes on his own adventure to become the greatest supposed-meat-eater-non-meat-eater there ever was, Y/n's character also goes through shit from here on out.

Also, Val is back! WOOHOO! I GOT MY GAL BACK!

Small teaser for you, there's going to be some juicy stuff happening in the next chapter with her.
You know, I created Val on a whim during the Black market chapter. I just thought 'Hey, a mountain lion would be nice to see' and boom, there she is. She was supposed to only appear for a paragraph or so but nope, sis decided to become a major character with a backstory that goes deeper than this book.

These characters, I swear...

Anyways, I hope y'all are safe and sound and healthy in this fucked up Corona-world! Stay safe, guys, gals and nonbinary pals!

See you in Chapter 52!