RAELYNN'S POV

Living in a lycan pack you are faced with death often enough for it not to affect you the way it normally does other people. Regular humans cry at the funerals they go to because it was someone they knew or loved and they're so sad for their loss. But in this pack lycans died in such brutal ways that crying seemed pointless. Instead you acknowledged their death for something that was mighty. You looked at their life for something that was short. You understood that this was how life was and you moved on. That's how I viewed it anyways.

But learning that my father and my baby sister were dead didn't make me want to cry. It made me want to die. I wanted to tear out my heart and let myself bleed out so I could join them in heaven because that's where they are. Without the shadow of a doubt they're in heaven with Jesus and I am stuck here with pain and sorrow and never ending darkness.

Maybe because I'd cried so hard and so long that one morning after Naal and I first connected, maybe that was the reason that I had no tears. Even as the human police questioned me time and time again. Even as Luka pleaded with me to talk to him, to forgive... hell to even say something. Even when Naal pulled me into his arms and sobbed into my hair. Even when my mom collapsed to the floor in Abrielle's room.

There were no tears.

And there still aren't.

I feel pain. I feel numb. I feel alive. I feel dead.

That's the only way to explain this.

"Rae... I know you may not be in the right mind right now but we need to plan a funeral." Luka says taking my hand in his. I can't feel the touch I can merely see the action. It brings me no comfort. Nothing does.

"Father wants to be buried in the woods where he found Gannon when they were children. It's where his life began and where he always wanted his life to end. Abrielle can be buried with him. She was always a daddy's girl. It would make them both happy." I say with a hollow and monotone voice. I can't even recognise myself in that voice. It sounds so dead... but then again maybe it does sound like me.

"Okay that's fine we can do that..." He ends his sentence with a pause as if expecting me to say something or do something more. As if there's anything else. He sighs when he sees I'm finished talking and he leaves my room.

I've heard about people who completely change their rooms when they're faced with a traumatic experience. Sometimes it's better to view that room in a different light because things are different now but I hadn't touched a thing. Everything was in its exact spot as it was three weeks ago when I learned the news.

Sitting here alone leaves me to my thoughts.

If you killed yourself you'd go to hell not heaven...

But if you were killed you could be with your family.

What's the point of living if you can't feel anything anymore?

I should give myself pain... just to feel something...

If I can suffer some pain then maybe it won't hurt so much to think of them.

Why didn't you tell them to stay?

If you told dad the truth about Naal then he would have stayed to scold you...

But then again...

You'd be dead too if you went with them...

Maybe that would be better...

The thoughts swirl around my head like a bee to its flower. Buzzing around and around with no end. And they never get better... they just get worse. They become darker and more morbid. They rejoice at the thought of dying. They want me dead.

"Raelynn?" Someone is outside my door. I'd get up to open it but I don't. What's the point? They're going to walk in anyways.

As I suspected the door opens and my mom walks in. She looks terrible. Just like me. Her eyes are tired with red veins highlighting them and the blue seems to be paler than before. She has dark heavy bags under her eyes and her skin seems sunken in and grayish. She's lost a lot of weight and sleep over the weeks and so have I. We're a pair aren't we?

"Yes mother?" Again that unrecognizable voice... yet so familiar.

She leaves the door open and a few more people trickle in; Willow and Tobias, Gannon and Kiera, Naal and Luka and the rest of Luka's friends. They all look solemn how nice of them.

"Today... Today is your birthday honey." My eyes glance at the digital clock by my bedside and sure enough today is January second... wait yesterday was New Year's day?

"So it is." I look around at everyone staring at me and blink. What else would they like me to say?

"We got you a cake honey." Tyffany says placing said cake on my desk. I don't even look at it. I don't care.

"And we got you a few gifts." Naal adds and everyone places them beside my cake. Again not a glance from me.

"Is there anything you wanted today?" Mom asks reaching to touch my hand. I can't feel it but I'm sure it's a nice gesture. I can understand why my mom is making an effort today. She may have lost her husband and her youngest daughter but she still has one more child. Me.

I seriously hope she doesn't become the mother that showers me with gifts and all that crap. Going back to the question at hand I think to myself. Is there anything I want?

No.

But what about pain?

... pain would be good.

What can cause lots of pain without them suspecting anything?

"I want a tattoo." I tell her seriously.

Yes... that will do.

Everyone looks at me cautiously but no one says a word. They can't deny me even if they wanted to.

"I will take you." Luka offers sitting on my other side. He takes my hand and I flex it to see if maybe then I can feel something... but no luck.

"Thank you." I say standing up. I walk to my closet and throw a sweater on top my long sleeve shirt and tights. It's going to be cold outside... good. I pull my hair up into a messy bun and turn back to the on-looking group.

"Thank you everyone for the gifts and cake. Though I did not remember today was my birthday I appreciate the gesture." My voice is cold and formal as I speak to them.

They all say you're welcome in their own way before leaving the room. Mom stays on my bed with Luka watching me closely. I think it's killing him that I'm not caring anymore. He wants to help me so badly and maybe before all of this I would have jumped into his arms at the show of affection but now...

"Do you know what you want?" Luka asks quietly. I shrug.

Anything that will cause pain is good for me.

He stands up from the bed and takes my hand in his already leading us from the room. I don't say goodbye to my mom... she's going into depression anyways. She probably wouldn't hear me. Luka grabs my jacket from a hall closet and puts it on me. I would have protested that I am deathly depressed not handicapped but no words left my lips.

"I know a safe parlour a little ways from the town. It should take us an hour to get there." He says opening the door outside. The frigid breeze hits my face and legs and I relish in the biting sensation. I nod my consent and he grabs some keys and leads me outside.

I used to love winter when I was younger because winter meant my birthday was coming but now, even on my birthday winter just reminds me of death.

I have such a sick mind.

Luka opens the car door for me and straps me in before closing said door and walking over to the driver's side. I don't remember when he and Naal got their licenses but I know they have them. Gannon had said it was very important that they learn to drive in case they ever visited other packs or countries and they're needed to travel.

He starts the car in silence and begins his drive to this mysterious parlour. I know for a fact that there's a tattoo shop in the town near us that is very friendly and very safe. Frankie took me with her to get a tattoo of a saying her grandpa used to tell her before he passed away. She made me ditch school to go with her because she was feeling lonely and unpredictable. I remember them serving coffee and tea at the shop along with mini sandwiches and cakes. You'd never guess they were a tattoo shop if it weren't for the ink covered workers.

So obviously Luka is taking me to a different one because he wants more time with me. I'd appreciate the effort if I'd bother to care.

"Do you have any idea of what you want?" Luka asks turning the radio on a low volume. I don't know what's playing so I can't judge his taste in music. Too bad.

"I want a magnifying glass, a camera and binoculars." I say plainly. I doubt he'd understand why; since my father was the human informant it made the most sense to get a tattoo that represented him as he was, a–

"Private investigator symbols. I understand. I remember talking to Abrielle once about what she wanted to do when she grew up. She was only eight at the time but she was adamant on being a P.I. just like her father. She told me she was going to go to school for it and everything but she wanted me to keep it a secret so she could surprise everyone. She had such ambition..." Luka stops talking and for the first time ever I feel the tears begin to build up.

"No one knew..." I say quietly. Luka turns to look at me and takes my hand. I still can't feel it but it's nice.

"She was a private kid. Kind of the opposite of you in some ways and yet you two were so alike. You had your father's love for sports and games and she had your father's love for work." His thumb rubs against my skin and I wish I could feel it.

"No one knew... not even my mom. She just told me the day she died... I'd suspected that was what she wanted to do since she was so snoopy..." There's an idea for another tattoo. "But I was never sure."

"Well now you can get this tattoo in honour of her and your father... he was excellent at his job... like he was born to do it. I..." He sighs out and I take my hand from his. I know what's coming next. "Rae I'm so sorr–"

"You know what I've learned?" I ask interrupting his impending apology speech. He stops talking and nods for me to continue. "I've learned that apologies do nothing. Saying 'I'm Sorry' does nothing. There's no point to any of it. What should be said is nothing because that is all I feel. It's better to say nothing knowing that it truly connects with me than apologizing over and over. None of those frivolous words are going to bring back my father and Elle so there's no use in saying them." When I stop talking I realize that's the most I've said since their deaths.

"Okay. I understand... but maybe... even though to you those words mean nothing... to me, at least, they mean everything. Those words show my failure. They show my idiocy. They show my eternal mistake. I know you don't like hearing them but I need to say them to at least atone for what I've done wrong." Luka's voice is soft and trembles as he speaks.

"Truce." I tell him still keeping my hand away from his. The corner of his lip curls up and he nods.

"Truce."

The rest of the trip is spent in silence but for once it isn't an awkward silence... it's comfortable.

When we arrive at the parlour I'm in and out of sleep but Luka shakes me awake lightly and whispers a gentle "We're here."

I'm greeted to the sight of a corner store tattoo parlour with dark tinted windows and a large wolf painted on the front of it.

How inconspicuous.

"Are you ready?" Luka asks turning off the car. I get out of the car, by myself, and approach the door of the shop. I'd look behind me to tell him that I'm ready but I can already hear him coming out of the car to join me.

In the shop I'm surprised that it doesn't look as menacing as I thought it would. Sure it's nothing in comparison to the shop in our town but it's not filled with bikers and hoodlums either. A young girl who couldn't be older than twenty-two is at a reception desk surfing the web. Her hair is pitch black, blending in with the walls behind her, and half of her head is shaved showing a spider web tattoo on her scalp. There are tattoos on her arms, chest and I'm sure the rest of her body leaving her face and neck untouched. Whether she's done that because she wants to conserve her soft beauty I don't know.

"Hi excuse me my... um..." Luka pauses what he's about to say and I raise an eyebrow at his blushing cheeks. What's up with him?

"I'm here to get a tattoo." I say stepping forward. The girl stops gaping at Luka and finally notices I'm here with a quick up and down swing of her head.

"How old are you?" She asks cautiously as if they actually care here.

"Eighteen... today." I say crossing my arms. I show her my I.D. and she nods.

"Oh happy birthday." She comments smiling. I don't smile back and she takes the hint. "There's a book right over there. You can go through what you want and I will be with you–"

"I want a magnifying glass, a camera and binoculars." I tell her smoothly.

She looks surprised that I actually know what I want... I just don't know where. Walking a little closer to her I lean in to ask her a serious question.

"Where on the body does it hurt the most?" I ask her trying to keep my voice as low as possible.

"Inside that same book there will be more information on where to get a tattoo and how to maintain it. But if you ask me, the ribs hurt like a bitch." She says winking. I fake a smile for her.

"Ribs it is." She nods and types something into her computer.

"Alright then how big did you want the tattoos? Where on your ribs did you want them placed? And did you want any colour?" Her voice has become more professional which makes me respect her more. I think about her questions and pause. How big did I want this to be?

The bigger it is the more painful it will be.

"The magnifying glass should be the size of my hand and at the top of my ribs just under my breast and the camera and binoculars should be half that size on either side of the first. And no colour." I tell her measuring it out in my head.

"Great. That will work just fine. There are different variations of each item you said in the book. Pick which one and then follow me into the back. I'm going to be your artist today. Name's Dalia." She puts her hand out to shake and I do so.

"Raelynn." Dalia smiles in response and I go to this book she keeps talking about. There's more than one and they're all filled with so much information. Using the table of contents I find the three tattoos I want and the styles I prefer them and show it to her.

"Cool that's simple. Should come up to around $1300 total. Is that doable?" She asks already putting her hair up. I open my mouth to say no when Luka speaks up again.

"Yes that will be fine. Thank you." He reaches into his wallet and takes out a black credit card. Who knew he had money like that? Dalia's eyes sparkle when she sees the card and she waves him over to the desk where she inputs the amount and he charges it. He doesn't even flinch when the payment goes through he just asks for a receipt.

"Alright Raelynn let's get to work. There's going to be blood will you be sick?" I shake my head no and she nods. "Good. Are you afraid of needles?" Again I shake my head and she nods. "Good. You've got virgin skin, which is my favourite by the way, so this will take a while. It's going to be pretty painful too but I can play music or a movie or something to help distract you." She offers as we start to head into the back.

"I'll be fine." I say my voice becoming hollow once more.

Finally the pain will begin.

Anything to feel again.

I didn't think Luka would join us but he did and made himself comfortable right beside me. Dalia turned on some music anyways probably to keep herself entertained and I was surprised to hear classical music blaring loud. The surprise didn't show on my face but I did feel the emotion... a little. Looking closer now I can see she has the hands of a pianist. Maybe that's why she hasn't inked her face or neck or even her hands. Maybe she still performs.

"Do you want to take off your bra?" She asks gently. Her eyes cast over to Luka but I know he's only watching me.

"No I'll take my shirt off." I say already lifting it from my head. I'm wearing a simple black bra that pushes up my breast slightly. It was a gift from Elle as she said it would "make the boys holla for my goodies". She was only nine when she spent her own money to buy it for me but it was funny and so sweet... it really was. Luka's eyes look hungry from the sight alone of my open breasts but I don't bother to tease him. I don't care if he's finally come to terms with what he feels... it's too late.

Dalia seats me on a dentist looking chair and I take a deep breath preparing myself for the pain. But nothing happens yet.

"Hey don't mean to pry or anything but that's a wicked scar on your back. How'd you get it?"

"I was attacked by a bitch in heat." I say back to her.

She bursts out laughing thinking it's a joke. She shakes her head as she applies rubbing alcohol to my ribs. The cool liquid alerts me to what's about to happen and the dark thoughts rejoice at the upcoming pain. But again nothing yet. Instead she puts some shaving cream on and shaves the minuscule hairs on my skin before cleaning it with alcohol again.

"Alright so what I'm going to do is insert the tats into this machine over here and it's going to give me a stencil of what I will do. I've already sketched out what you said so I know how to arrange it. Just give me a few minutes. Also if your tat looks wicked can I take a picture for my portfolio?" I nod my head yes and Dalia smiles.

She heads over to the machine that kind of looks like a fax machine and taps her fingers on it as if she's playing along to the music and she actually is. Note for note her fingers are hitting the fax machine as if it were her piano.

Soon she comes back with a replica of what I want for my tattoo and I fake another smile. She places it on my ribs and applies stick deodorant onto it holding it still for a few seconds before peeling it back. There's dark blue tracing of my tattoo and already I like it.

Luka watches from beside me at everything that happens no doubt making sure everything is safe and sanitary. I zone off as Dalia prepares her needles and tattoo machine thing. All I can think about is the pain.

It's really going to hurt.

Good. You must feel pain to share pain.

This is the only way to connect with them.

Don't be a wimp... this is nothing in comparison to what they've gone through.

That last thought is what wipes away any fear I may have had. It's true getting a tattoo will never be anything close to what happened to them so it's the least I can do.

Dalia places some brown ointment on the tracing and the needle begins to buzz. She looks at me with big brown eyes and smiles widely.

"Don't hold your breath or it will hurt more. Just breathe deep and relax. The first few minutes always suck the most." Her eyes cast down to my ribs and she begins to work.

She was right about breathing because it hurt like hell but not as bad as I thought it would. But as she continued to work on the magnifying glass the real pain came. It was like she was trying to cut deep into my skin and then push even deeper. It was excruciating and she was only tracing the lines.

Once she'd finished with the glass she'd moved down to the camera and started again. I wanted to scream but if I did I would hear Elle's screams so I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come so I kept my eyes shut. I merely endured the pain. It was the least I could do. When she finished all three tracings she switched machines and began shading in the tattoos.

I keep my eyes closed tight and imagine the horrors my family faced. I let the dark thoughts consume me till the pain becomes pleasure and the hurt becomes joy. It's not right for me to do this but it's not right that they had to die either.

Time flies by and yet goes so slowly that I can count the seconds. Minutes turn to hours and still she isn't finished. And through all of that there is only pain. Luka doesn't touch me even when I squeal at times and I prefer it that way. I don't want reassurance, I don't want security. I want to live with this pain so I can live with myself.

Eventually Dalia stops clicking her tongue making an awful sound that I've come to hate and I hear the snap of her phone camera. She must have left the sound on.

"Took me about five hours but this shit looks great. You're lucky I didn't have many clients today. You want to take a picture?" She asks obviously proud of herself.

"No." I say quietly. Opening my eyes I look down to see what she's done and it knocks the wind out of my chest. Within the magnifying glass, camera and binoculars there are two simple letters, C and A.

Christopher and Abrielle.

It's so small but so damn big that I feel myself shaking.

"Why did you do that?" I ask pointing at the letters. She looks down at them with a wicked gleam and gestures to Luka.

"Your boyfriend said you'd like it." He's not my boyfriend but he was right. I loved it.

"Will that be extra?" Luka asks standing up.

"Nah. I kinda get what this tat is about so no charge. Hope your people are in a better place." She says applying some ointment to the tattoos and then wraps it in a bandage and tape. "Alright listen up, do not put anything but soap on this tattoo for twenty-four hours. Once that's up apply some A&D or Tattoo Goo to it two to three times a day and continue to wash it with a mild soap. Don't use a rag or a loofah or any shit like that use your hand. By the five to six day mark you can start using fragrance free and dye free lotions. Do not go swimming and do not take a bath for at least two weeks. And don't worry I have everything I just said in a pamphlet out front." She gets up from her station and winks at me before disappearing.

"Do you like it really? Or did I overstep my boundaries?" Luka asks helping me up.

"I like it." I say to him. He smiles down at me and kisses my forehead.

"Then happy birthday my angel." He holds me close into him and continues to place long slow kisses to my head. Dalia clears her throat after what feels like forever.

"In here you'll find everything you'll need to care for the tattoos. And again no worries it's no charge. I like you Raelynn. You're badass. You didn't cry or scream even when you bled. Gotta give it up to you girl. Virgin skin always hurts especially on the cage." She gives me the bag and a quick hug to the side.

I wanted the pain so I felt the pain in all its glory. Nothing could have made me feel better.

"Thank you for this Dalia." I tell her honestly.

Luka and I make our way out of the parlour and back to his car, jackets on and everything. The sky is dark and the air is crisp just like my mood. We ride in silence like before but I need to get something off my chest.

"The funeral should be soon. Maybe next week. It needs to happen soon." I tell him looking out of the window.

"Anything you want. I'll have Naal call up your family and arrange for the transportation of your grandparents here. Your mother has picked out the c–coffins already and I have men standing by to dig up the grave site. I can personally call the pastor at your church to head the service and we can hold it there before we bury them with us. If you don't want a wake after the funeral I will make sure no one bothers you or your mother. This time is about you not about people buzzing around for food and attention. I'll be sure to get the headstones engraved tomorrow. What did you want them to say?"

I continue to stare out of the window when the phrase comes to me.

"They can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are God's children, since they are children of the resurrection, Luke chapter twenty verse thirty-six. I want that for Elle's stone. Mom can choose for dad's stone." I say feeling the hurt overwhelm me again. It would feel so much better if I could just cry.

"That's beautiful Rae." Luka says holding my hand. I say nothing in response and he respects that.

I still can't feel his touch... but now...

I love the gesture.

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