Kabanata 29

I couldn't breath— was that possible? For you to lose your reason for breathing even if you were alive?

Bobo. Tanga. Mayabang.

The hurtful words were just words on the surface but they were like knifes plunging into my skin— it was marking my every being.

My eyes welled up with tears as I try to keep swimming in the vast space of loneliness — but I was already drowning. It was already too hard for me to keep up.

I was so lost.

This wasn't the Zafirah I know. Where did she go? I was so strong before...

What happened?

Why did it hurt so much to be alive?

Kung hindi ako matalino, wala akong kwenta. This was the greatest thing about me — without it, who am I?

I sat down in one of the benches of Bonanza Area. Mahangin. Mahamog. Wala na ang araw.

No one would know if I was gone tomorrow.

"Zafirah,"

I look up to the person who called the name that was so unfamiliar to me. I was Zafirah, the future topnocher in the CPA board exams — but right now I was just the broken Zafirah, the nothing Zafirah and the useless Zafirah.

"Kamusta?"

My tears immediately flown down from my face. I broke down and cried until I couldn't even see anymore. My vision was so blurry and I was holding tightly on my own skirt.

"Nak, usap tayo? Gusto mo?" lumapit si Ms. Cynthia saakin. Hinagod niya ako sa likod.

Umiling ako. She has her own problems. I don't want to burden her.

"Sige lang, nak. Kung hindi ka pa handang mag-kwento, nandito lang ako. Sasamahan lang kita." Ms. Cynthia didn't leave my side.

Iyak lang ako nang iyak.

"Zafirah, noong unang kita ko sa'yo— alam ko na magiging successful ka pagdating ng panahon. You were strong— so strong that some of your classmates even hesitated to talk to you," mahinahon niyang pagkukwento.

"But Zafirah, just because you're strong it doesn't mean you can't be weak. Just because you keep raising your head doesn't mean you can't cry. Tao lang tayo, Zafirah. Napapagod, natatakot, nasasaktan, nalulungkot pero kinabukasan ay babangon."

Tumingin ako sa kanya. I wiped my own tears using my hands.

"Naniniwala ka po bang makakabangon ako?"

Ngumiti siya sa akin. "Alam mo ba bakit kahit deadline na, tumatanggap pa rin ako ng mga pinapapasa ko sa inyo kinabukasan?"

Umiling ako. Akala ko ay dahil ito sa mabait lang talaga siyang Professor.

"Kasi naniniwala akong hindi natatapos ang buhay mo sa isang araw. May bukas pa. May susunod pa sa bukas. Nakakalungkot Zafirah kung ang buhay mo ay hindi mo na bubuksan sa panibagong bukas."

"Ms. Cynthia, bakit ang hirap naman nito? Bakit ganito 'yung grade 12? Parang lahat ng achievements ko noon...Mga papel at mga biniling medalya lang pala sa bangketa."

"That's not true, your achievements are the fruit of your hardwork."

Lumamlam ang kanyang mga mata at nagpakawala siya ng isang malalim na hininga.

"Pagdating mo sa college, you'll have to strived harder. Hindi lahat ng bumabagsak, hindi na nakakabangon. I believe in you, Zafirah." Ms. Cynthia was looking at me.

I tried to smile again.

"Sana pala, Ma'am. Lahat ng iniyak ko sa'yo noong grade 11, inipon ko na lang para sa grade 12."

"Baliw," she flicked a finger in my forehead.

We were both there. She was just listening to my muffled cries. I was just trying so hard to forget everything.

Kinabukasan, I was summoned by our Professor.

My heart was racing, alam ko naman ang rason bakit ako pinatawag. I know it is because of how my grades were failing. Hindi ito grades ng isang honor student. It's even below average. Nahihiya akong pumunta sa faculty ng mga ABM teachers.

"Sorry, Sir." I muttered upon reaching Sir Castro's desk.

Bumuntong hininga siya. "I know your score for the previous exam is not good, Ms. Sanchez."

"S-sorry po talaga, sir..." I was ashamed of how I performed during the exams.

Nagtuturo naman siya nang maayos. I just couldn't focus on his subject even if I wanted to. Sobrang hirap ako magkaroon ng focus dahil marami akong iniisip sa iba pang subject. It is not his fault but everything falls upon me. Ako naman talaga ang may kasalanan bakit ako bumabagsak.

"This is the main reason why we detached ourselves from grade 12 students. Unlike grade 11, we are here to bid your goodbyes." Tumingin saakin si Professor Castro, our adviser and FABM Prof.

Nagulat ako nang abutan niya ako ng isang papel. It was a paper with his name on it. Luma na ang papel at mukhang matagal na ito dahil sa tinta ng ballpen.

It was Mr. Castro's test paper. May nakalagay itong score na 5 out of 60.

Napaawang ang bibig ko at tumingala ako sa kanya.

Mr. Castro was the best teacher for FABM and also a CPA topnocher. Pero nagkaroon siya ng ganitong klaseng score noon?

He gently tapped me on my shoulder. A smile was plastered on his face as he showed me his old test paper.

"Don't get discourage, kid. Your scores don't determine your worth as a person. Sa tingin mo ba hindi bumagsak 'yung mga pumasa sa CPA board exams sa ibang exams nila? Of course not, because failure is part of success."

Nagbabadya na namang tumulo ang mga luha ko. Tumawa si Mr. Castro at ngumiti sa akin.

"Balang araw, tatawanan mo na lang na umiyak ka sa mga ganitong klaseng bagay. Sa kolehiyo, tres lang sapat na. Kaya huwag mo masyadong dibdibin ang mga nakukuha mong scores ngayon."

"Salamat po talaga, Sir..." I was so grateful.

Words are so powerful, it can either destroy you or make you. That's why you should carefully know whose words should you listen to.

"Your mental health is also important, Zafirah. Take care of it."

Mental health.

I forgot about that — rather I took it for granted. Nakalimutan ko itong pahalagahan dahil hindi naman ito madalas pagusapan. I focused more on what others might think about me and forgot about how I think of myself.

Tumango-tango ako.

"Here," may inabot siya sa akin. Tiningnan ko naman ito. It was a piece of paper with a contact number on it.

"Call your parents," he softly said. "Tell them how you really feel. It's not too late to open up."

I decided to do it. My fingers were shaking as I press each number written on the paper. Iniisip ko palang ang dismayado nilang mga tono ay sumasakit na ang dibdib ko.

"Hello? Anak?" sumalubong ang boses ni Papa.

I...cried.

Puno ng pait ang bawat hagulgol na lumabas sa aking boses. Lahat ng kinimkim ko ay bumuhos na parang bagyo. I could feel him panicking on the other line.

"Zafirah? Anong nangyari? Anak?"

"Pa, I failed..." namamaos kong sabi. There was silence on their line. Pumikit ako nang mariin.

I know others might think failing is just part of education but for someone who always excels in their academics, this was a huge thing for me. It meant everything for me.

"Okay lang 'yon, anak." he assured me. "Kain tayo sa labas sa sabado. May gagawin ka ba?"

"P-po? Pero b-bumagsak po ako..."

"Edi para sa unang bagsak ng anak ko!" humalakhak siya sa kabilang linya. Nangingilid ang mga luha sa aking mata.

"Anak, huwag mong iisipin na hindi namin gusto na matataas ang grado mo ah. Pinagmamalaki ka nga namin e. Pero hindi rin naman ibig sabihin na ganyan ang mga scores mo sa school ay 'yan lamang ang mahal namin sa'yo..."

The heartstrings of my heart were tugged. Unti-unting napawi ang bawat kirot na nararamdaman ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Narinig ko ang buntong hininga sa kabilang linya ni Papa.

"Zafirah, sobrang proud ako sa'yo. Walang mababang grado ang makakapagpabago no'n. Anak kita e, at syempre bilang ama mo dapat alam ko na ginagawa mo naman ang lahat. Huwag mo kaming masyado alahanin..."

"Sorry, Pa..." I lamented.

"Okay lang 'yon. Mahal ka namin. Huwag mo na masyado isipin 'yon. Kain na lang tayo sa labas, luluwas kami sa sabado para sa'yo."

I broke down. Nanghihina akong napaupo habang umiiyak at nakikinig lang sa kabilang linya si Papa. All this time I feel like I was disappointing them but all they ever thought was me spending more time with them. Akala ko noon kapag nakapagtapos ako ng may karangalan ay ibig sabihin no'n isa na akong huwarang anak para sa kanila. In the end, all I had to do was be a daughter to them. Spend more time with them.

"S-sige, Pa..." I wiped the tears away and decided to genuinely smile as I rest my head on the wall. "Kakain tayo sa sabado."

That day, I started to be more calm and collected when it comes to receiving my scores. Kapag mataas, edi thank you. Kapag hindi, edi next time babawi.

It wasn't easy, it didn't happen in a snap of a finger. It was step by step, little by little but I'm moving forward.

My friends also helped me in recovering myself. I surrounded myself with positive energy. Natuto na lang din ako ng art of dedmatology. Wala naman akong mapapala sa kanila.

I also had my own way of coping with my own thoughts.

Ilang araw ang lumipas matapos ang mga pangyayari na 'yon. I don't see Sarathiel anymore in our campus. It was funny how we would always see each other when we were still together, ngayon naman ay parang pinapamukha na magka-iba talaga kami ng strand dahil hindi man lang kami nagkakasalubong.

I was at the G Hall while watching my blockmates practice a roleplay for our 21st Litt. Umiinom ako sa tumbler ko nang may tumawag ng pansin ko.

"Zafirah," I saw Czanne walking towards me. Her smile didn't changed at all. It was the same sickening fake smile I always wanted to get rid off.

"Yes?" I calmly asked, inaalala na nagbabagong buhay na ako.

"Can we both talk?"

"Sure." I nodded. Umusog ako para makaupo siya sa tabi ko. She sat down beside me.

"You broke up with Sath?"

"Did you just go here to ask that?" lumingon ako sa kanya, salubong ang mga kilay.

"I was making sure it was true," she cleared her throat.

"Oo. We broke up."

Her smile fades as I spoke those words. Nakita ko kung paano unti-unting naging seryoso ang mukha niya.

"Can you take him back?"

What?

Kumunot ang aking noo sa kanyang sinabi. Ilang beses ko itong pinaulit-ulit sa aking isip. She wants us to get back together?

"Aren't you supposed to be happy that we're already broken up?" seryosong tanong ko. She was one of the reasons why we almost had a fight.

I just don't get her.

"I love Sath to know who he really needs. Ang sabi ko sa sarili ko noon, kung may mamahalin man si Sarathiel at hindi ako..." she breaths deeply, mukha siyang nagpipigil ng pag-iyak.

"I...will support him. I'm smart enough to know my worth. I really wanted to like you for him, Zafirah. I tried. I really did." Her eyes were staring at me.

I could feel her hatred for me. Nanunuot ito sa aking balat. It was as if she's really trying to make me feel it. Gano'n na lamang ang kanyang galit sa akin.

"The only reason I did those things behind your backs because I thought you didn't deserve Sarathiel. I saw how you acted when the two of you are facing problems, Zafirah. Tumatakbo ka lang, not minding if Sarathiel will get hurt. You're selfish and immature, that's why I hated you." I saw how she clenched her fists.

I understand her. I hate myself before too. Ilang beses na sarili ko lamang ang inisip ko noon at hindi man lang inisip ang mararamdaman ni Sath. Yet, I'm trying to become a better version of my past self. I don't want to be hated for what I am before because clearly I'm not the same person anymore.

"I really hate you." The Czanne who always looks calm with her smiling facadé is now gone. She was openly stating her hatred for me.

"I want Sarathiel to love someone who would love him equally, Zafirah. Akala ko ay kung ipapakita ko sa kanya na kaya ko siyang mahalin higit sa pinapakita mo...I'll win him over." She smiles, I can taste the bitterness in her tone.

"Pero ikaw e, kahit anong gawin mo ay ikaw talaga 'yung mahal niya..." her eyes blink a few times and she smiled painfully.

"But seeing him lose himself because you gave up on him on his most vulnerable state? May puso ka pa ba?"

I didn't know how to answer. I could just feel how heavy my heart was and how cruel I am for doing that to Sarathiel.

She was right. I was immature and selfish. At some point, I didn't think like an adult when it comes to facing our problems. All I thought about was myself...I didn't want to get hurt — because no one really does like to get hurt.

Sarathiel was willing to risk getting hurt just to be with me. I was only there for him during the days where happiness is abundant.

"Please just take him back. I love him to know that if he has you...he'll p-probably be okay."

"Czanne..." Umiling-iling ako. "I'm sorry. Mahal ko pa rin si Sarathiel pero hindi pa ako handa."

The wounds are still open. The pain is still there. I'm still trying to mend myself.

"I feel bad someone like Sarathiel had to be in love with the likes of you," she said through gritted teeth.

"I love him enough to become desperate like this, what about you? Palagi na lang ba si Sarathiel ang maga-adjust para sa'yo?" She stood up, eyes criticizing me.

"Czanne..." I looked at her with sincerity. "That's why I can't be with him right now because as you said, I'm still immature. I wanna be with him when I'm matured enough to handle a relationship with him."

I was young and this is my first relationship. I wanted to be a better version of myself for Sarathiel. I just wanted to become deserving of his love.

It will take time before things will fall into places. I will use that time to heal and become someone deserving of Sarathiel. Hindi 'yung parang ako lang ang palaging swerte sa kanya.

If Sath and I continue our relationship, masasanay kami sa gantong set up. Masasanay kaming nagtataguan ng problema — until it's too to late to take away the toxic in it.

She heaved a breath. Ramdam ko ang panghihinayang sa kanya.

"Zafirah, you'll realize what you lost when it's too late. "

I only smiled at her."It wouldn't be considered lost if it was mine in the first place."

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