Kabanata 22

July pa lang pero 'yung pagod ko pang-March na.

The academic workload was just too heavy. Ito na siguro 'yung part na pang-college sa senior highschool. Palagi na akong walking zombie sa hallway dahil sa dami ng iniisip. I had to review everyday, para makahabol ako sa klase.

"Kagrupo kita sa PracRe 2 'di ba?" I asked Ade who was seating on one of the desks.

Nakahalukipkip lang siya habang nakatingala sa'kin. He slowly nodded his head at me.

"Yeah."

In a small voice, I ask him.

"Pwede bang ikaw na lang leader?"

Wala talaga akong panahon maging leader ngayon. I was already stressed because my grades were declining from my expectations.

At saka, nawawalan na talaga ako ng gana sa pag-aaral. It doesn't feel the same anymore. It is more like a responsibility that I don't want to do anymore. Pakiramdam ko ay ayoko na lang bigyan ito ng kahalagahan.

He gawked at me before slowly nodding his head. Mukhang hindi siya makapaniwala.

"Sige lang. I already created a GC and added our members by the way." He said, in a laidback tone.

I wanna be as chill as Ade. Hindi ko siya nakikitang nagr-review sa school pero kahit papaano naman ay matataas ang scores na nakukuha niya. I know because I'm the one who records our scores before giving the summarized version to our Prof.

Imagine knowing all of the scores of your classmate. It just makes you feel like crap, lalo na kapag nakikita kong mas mataas pa saakin si Ria.

Bumuntonghininga ako.

It's not like my practical research groupmates are bad. Ayoko lang talaga maging leader sa ngayon.

All of our groupmates in PracRe 2 are responsible. Although, I don't really have friends in them unlike last time.

They're really detached compare to my groupmates last year. Alam ko naman kung bakit. Sometimes forming friendships in practical research is bothersome.

PracRe 2 is more stressful than PracRe 1 because our topics are limited to our strand. It also deals with statistics. Kaya kung akala mo goodbye stats ka na, you got it all wrong.

Hindi ko rin maiwasan ang tingnan ang bawat progreso ng ibang grupo at i-kumpara ito sa progreso namin.

Gio's group had the best topic proposal. Saamin ay ilang beses pa kaming ni-reject dahil marami kaming kaparehas na topic. Our topic should be aligned for our strand this time, dapat may connection 'yung research na gagawin namin para sa strand namin.

I didn't want to compare myself to Gio. Pero pakiramdam ko ay unti-unti na akong napagiiwanan.

I was walking down the hallway of the main library, bagsak ang mga balikat nang makatanggap ako ng text.

Sath:
Did you skip lunch?

Nagulat ako nang may nag-text saakin. I was in the middle of browsing some RRLs for our PracRe, nasa study hall ako ng library ngayon.

Zafirah:

Hindi. Why?

Sath:

Didn't see you :( also been asking your friends if you're okay. You look gloomy daw.

Zafirah:

LOL I'm fine. Pagod lang.

Sath:

Don't forget to rest, please. I love you 3000.

Zafirah:

Love you 3k

Bumalik na ako sa ginagawa ko. I didn't know why but I saw tears falling down from my face to my phone. Hindi ko namalayan na galing pala ito saakin.

Agad ko itong pinahid. Nakakahiya. Bakit mo ito iniiyakan. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Sa mga gawain na ito. Sa lahat, sa totoo lang.

I did skip lunch. I also didn't have enough sleep because I needed to review for the five quizzes I had today. My head was already spinning but I still had to do my part for PracRe.

I slammed my pen down. Hinilot ko ang sentido ko sa sobrang inis dahil sa mga iniisip ko.

Bakit ba kasi kailangan pang gawin ko ang mga ito?! This is too frustrating!

Kinusot-kusot ko ang mga mata ko, the side of my eyes were already swollen and red. Para akong sinapak. My low whimpers were heard by students.

"Ate, okay lang 'yan..."

"Umiiyak siya..."

"Baka nag-break sila ng jowa niya."

The more that my ears heard their murmurs, lalo lamang nagbabaga ang inis ko sa sarili ko. Bakit ka na naman umiiyak, Zafirah?! Ang babaw ng luha mo!

Umalis muna ako para umiyak sa isang sulok. Nakakahiya kasi kapag sa study hall ako umiyak. I just wanted to release some stress.

I was leaning towards the wall. Sobrang pagod na ako pero anong gagawin ko? I have to do this because if I won't — my grades will fail. I can't even breath properly. Paulit-ulit na lamang ang scenario na ito. I always have to think about it again and again. My grades are important to me. Pakiramdam ko ito lang ang tanging napapansin saakin. It was the only remarkable thing about me. Hindi ako magaling sa sports. I'm not really an artist whose creativity is overflowing. I don't even know if I have a hobby aside from studying.

I leaned towards the wall and slightly slammed my head a few times just to get rid of the thoughts. I just want to make myself feel good again. Pero paano kung araw-araw pinapamukha sa akin na bobo naman pala ako?

Nagiisang anak ako at alam ko ang hirap ng mga magulang ko para lang makapag-aral ako. This was the least that I could do to lift the burden...

Paano na lang ako haharap kina Mama? Maybe she'll even think that having a boyfriend is bad for me. Baka sobrang disappointed na sila sa akin...

I was sobbing so hard and it startled me when someone appeared on my side.

"Fuck, akala ko minumulto na ako."

Nagulat ako kay Ade na nakahawak sa dibdib niya na para bang gulat na gulat siya.

"Ade..." my voice was croaked.

His eyes softened. Lumapit siya sa akin at sinilip ang mukha ko. He reached on his pocket and gave a handkerchief but I declined.

"Bakit ka umiiyak? May umaway sa'yo? Resbak kailangan mo?" tanong niya.

I didn't answer. I knew the truth. Wala akong kaaway kundi ang sarili ko. The one that makes me feel shit is also myself. How do you even fight someone that is inside your head?

Kinuha niya ang phone niya at nagsimulang magtipa.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling Sarathiel. Sobrang magagalit 'yon kapag nalaman niyang umiiyak ka -"

I snatched his phone away.

He can't.

Sarathiel has nothing to do with this.

"Don't," pinunasan ko ang mga bakas ng luha sa mukha ko.

He gritted his teeth, he was looking at me sternly. Lumambot ang mga tuhod ko habang halos nagmamakaawa ang boses.

"Please don't," tumingin ako kay Ade nang seryoso.

"He must know. Boyfriend mo 'yon-"

I cut him off.

"I know! I also know he's busy and probably tired too so I don't want to burden him." My voice was shaking.

Natigalgal si Ade. Silence filled in the room because of my sudden outburst. Lumalandas na naman ang mga luha galing sa aking mga mata.

I can't see Sath like this.

Not when I'm a wreck and I couldn't even think properly.

"I don't think Sarathiel will have no time for you if he knows you're crying like this." His voice softens.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Nanghihina na talaga ako. I don't know if it because of the lack of sleep, the loss of appetite or just simply the lack of motivation to do things but everything is just making me listless.

"That guy would leave everything behind for you." Ade said with utmost sincerity.

"I know..."

Nahihiya ako kay Sarathiel. He was known for his good grades. Paano naman ako? I was struggling now and this was even align for my future course. I feel so small compare to him right now.

"I'll listen..." Ade offered a smile. "What makes you feel like that?"

I nibbled on my lower lip. Unti-unting nagiging manhid ang mga binti dahil sa pagtayo. I decided to just sit down on the unoccupied monoblock chair. Ginamit ang mga kamay panakip sa lahat ng nakikita ko. In the darkness, I feel so alone yet I don't have to think about it anymore.

Narinig ko ang mga hakbang ni Ade palapit sa akin. He decided to pat me on the head slowly, offering comfort in each pat he gives me.

"Breath, Zaf." Ade said. "Just breath for a while."

So I did. Humingit ako ng hininga bago ito pinakawalan. Isang beses, dalawa, tatlo, apat hanggang lima...

The atmosphere becomes lighter. It didn't change the whole situation but at least now I'm sure I'm still capable of breathing.

Lumingon ako kay Ade na kanina pa nakatingin sa akin.

I tried giving a smile. Hindi man tuluyan nawala ang pangamba sa aking puso, it did lighten things a bit.

"I just feel stress about school." I said, opening what I really feel.

"Nakakastress naman talaga ang school. That's normal..."

"It's not..."

I wasn't this stress when I was on my junior highschool before. It was an easy path for me. Lahat ng mga kaklase ko ngayon ay kahit papaano ay nakukuha ang lessons namin. Bakit hindi ko magawa?

Ade exasperatedly sighed before puting one of his hand on his nape.

"Learn to take a rest. Aanuhin mo ang diploma kung patay ka na?"

"Loko loko!" Hinampas ko siya dahil sa biro niya. Pinatay ba naman ako?!

He laughed.

"Totoo naman!"

Magsasalita pa dapat ako kaso kumalam ang tiyan ko at hindi nito natago ang gutom na nararamdaman ko. Nahihiya akong tumingin kay Ade. He was already holding back his laughter.

"Do you wanna eat first before going back?"

『••✎••』

I burped infront of Ade which caused him to laugh without hesitations.

"Excuse me," nahihiya kong sabi.

"Bakit mo ginugutom sarili mo?" Kumunot ang noo ni Ade. He was only drinking a smoothie while watching me eat like a viking.

Pakialam ko kung sabihin nila na parang di ako babae kumain? Who the hell cares if I could swallow as much as I can in a short period of time? I didn't know that there's a gender standard when it comes to things - and honestly it sucks because it limits a person's capabilities.

I decided to answer Ade.

"Mas madaling makatapos ng gawain kapag inuuna mo 'to."

I tend to give more time when it comes to projects, reviewing or anything related to school. Magagawa ko pa naman ang kumain, matulog o kung ano pa man dahil wala itong mga deadline - unlike most of the things that we do in school.

Ade shrugged as he sipped on his smoothie.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you'll forget about your basic needs. Naligo ka na ba? Baka mamaya di ka rin naligo ah."

Umirap ako sa kanya. "Alam ko na bakit kayo mag-kaibigan ni Sath. Pareho kayong mga manglalait! FYI, naligo ako 'no."

He chortled and gave a small smile.

"Well, the boys are actually friends since junior high. Pero si Sarathiel kahit kaibigan namin siya, may sarili talaga siyang mundo. Isipin mo may GC kami pero di siya kasama?"

Tumango naman ako. I knew Sarathiel wasn't talkative but not to that extend.

"Ba't di niyo sinali?" I sipped from my iced tea.

"Palagi namin siyang ina-add tapos magl-leave siya. Nalaman lang namin na 'yung messenger niya puro GC lang pala ng pang-school. He didn't like GCs for friends, relatives, and such."

I don't know why I'm learning this because of Ade. Hindi ko man lang pala natatanong 'to kay Sath. I was always talking about academics with him. Hindi ko man lang natanong kung anong favorite color niya kahit kailan.

"Tapos ka na?" Ade asked, upon noticing the empty plates infront of me.

I nodded.

"Yup, babalik na ako sa study hall."

Tumayo na kami ni Ade at nagligpit ng pinagkainan. Alam kong hindi naman namin 'to trabaho pero kami rin naman kumain kaya kami na rin siguro dapat magligpit.

"You remind me of someone," Ade said out of the sudden. Nagtaas ako ng kilay.

"Sino?"

Pero hindi niya ako sinagot at ngumisi lang siya. Afterwards, he decided to tag along as I go back to the study hall.

"Zafirah," someone called me.

Napalingon naman ako. It was Sath with Czanne. Czanne looked shocked when she saw us but she conceals it with her smile.

"Hi Ade," Czanne greeted Ade and he just nodded at her.

"Sath." I tried to smile but it didn't reach my eyes.

Unti-unting gumapang ang kaba sa puso ko. This is not cheating but I feel bad that he caught me with someone else during the break. Hindi naman seloso si Sath pero pakiramdam ko talaga ay may mali.

Will Sath get jealous because I was with Ade? The worst part was I lied about not eating yet.

Agad na lumapit saamin si Sath. He looked at Ade with a perturbed expression on his face.

"Kumain na siya, Ade?"

"Yup, gutom nga." Tumawa si Ade.

Sath sighed as his eyes flew back towards me. Kita ko kung paano ito puno ng disappointment.

Disappointment...

Ngayon pa lang ay dismayado na siya sa akin...

Paano pa kaya kapag nalaman niya ang grades ko. I can't help but feel bitter about it.

"Thanks for checking her up for me." Sath to Ade. Ade saluted at him, like a soldier to his commander.

Lumingon saakin si Sath, he pinched my nose.

I don't know why my heart skipped a beat. He smiled at me softly before putting a strand of my hair on the back of my ear.

"Don't skip meals."

Hinawi ko ang kamay niya. "I know! I'm sorry, okay?"

I feel irritated all of the sudden.

"Can we talk?" Sath asked while staring at me. "Just us two, if it's okay? Tulungan na lang kita sa ginagawa mo kapag masyadong humaba 'yung usapan."

I felt guilty so I nodded.

"Sarathiel, may gagawin pa tayo sa Practical Research." Sumingit si Czanne.

"Hindi halata sa mukha ko pero magaling naman ako kahit papaano sa research, ako na lang muna gagawa ng kay Sarathiel." Ade volunteered. Czanne only smiled at him.

"I think it's better if it's my groupmate who will do his part." Czanne disagreed.

"Yeah, I think you should help in your PracRe first." Tama naman si Czanne. Ayokong maging pabuhat si Sath.

Umiling siya. "I can do that later. Let's talk first."

"Know your priority," bulong ko kay Sath. Baka magalit si Czanne, ang hirap pa naman kapag may kaaway ka sa Research.

"You are the priority, Zafirah. I know my priorities well." He said and reached for my hand.

Umalis kami sa Main Caf at pumunta sa evergreen garden. Tahimik kaming umupo sa isang bench.

"You're not jealous of Ade?" I didn't know where I got the courage to ask him.

"The only thing that I'm jealous of is the fact that you can vent out to Ade but not to me."

Tumahimik ako. Pero hindi ko alam bakit bigla akong nairita. Bigla kong gustong magwala. I wanted to vent out more. I wanted to just tell everything.

"Zafi..."

"What?"

His fingers went to my cheeks as his thumb remove the falling tears from my face.

"I'm just stressed about school. That's it, ang babaw 'di ba?" naiiyak na naman ako.

It has been days but my scores still bothers me. Ang babaw naman talaga e. Grades lang naman ito pero bakit ko iniiyakan?! There are other people who have bigger problems than this - pero ang sakit e. Ang sakit-sakit na ang baba na ng tingin ko sa sarili ko.

"That's not shallow. No one has the right to invalidate anyone's feelings. If that's how you feel, don't let others think you can't feel that way. They're not in your situation, so who are they to say how you should feel?"

He gently squeezed my hands.

"I don't wanna burden you with my thoughts." My eyes were filled with tears.

It was the truth. I can't even handle them myself, paano pa kaya ang iba? Surely, they won't understand. They can't understand....

Sath rested his forehead into mine.

"You'll never burden me. You were never a burden. Please learn to open up to me because I have always been open to you." He gently cupped my face.

"I would have kissed you right now," he said as he was wiping the traces of tears from my face.

"Pero ayokong ma-POD." He chuckles.

I laughed too.

"Same."

I wished I could go back to how peaceful our days were. I thought everything will be fine as long as I have Sath.

It was all just my thoughts clouding the reality.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪✎❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜