TW : mention of death, of bullying, dysphoria, grief.

It’s been a week.

A week since he almost disappeared.

A week since Ben did.

It’s been only a week, and Peter can already tell it’s been the worst one of his life. Now, he knew it would be hard, he knew people would glare at him back at school, and he also knew he would have to be here for aunt May. He figured this all out at night, fearing to fall asleep after being wake up by another nightmare. He could almost tell he was prepared for it. But he couldn’t in any possible way predict was how it all went out of his hands.

The first two days were ratherly easy. He had perfectly managed to hide his feelings once again, almost forgetting himself how much his heart was aching. He was here for May, making sure she would eat a little, she would get a few hours of sleep. The teen even had been able to hide his chest. The only one who was aware of what could possibly go through Peter’s mind was Ned : he learned how to read into his behaviour, and it took him one hour confront his friend about it. He already knew about Ben, the information chanel already having made a statement on sunday morning. He wanted to know what else Peter was hiding. 

“Mate,” he called as Peter was already heading out to their new class, speeding too much for him to follow. “Dude slow down ! I know you hate to be late but you don’t have to be such in a rush !”.

He glared at him once they finally reached their destination. He knew something was up just by the lack of spark in Peter’s eyes, and it wasn’t because of if grief. The thing is, he couldn’t find a way to initiate the conversation.

The two friends stayed like that until their professor told the class to come in. Peter shrugs a little, noticing the look on the adult’s face. He had seen it on everyone since he arrived at school this morning, and he wasn’t able to tell if he will be able to bear the way they would all look at him the way. He hated pity. He truly did. He had received pity all of his life since his parents passed ; and when he wasn’t the one receiving it, it was May and Ben, because of him, their transgender freaky nephew. He knew all there was to know about pity, whereas it was directed to him, his family, or just about the subject itself. In the situation he was, he didn’t want to receive any pity, nor compassion. He wanted nothing. Except being able to live his life the same way as before, walking unnoticed in the corridors. Yet, it felt like everyone - students, teachers, administration, maintenance agents - was staring at him. He could feel their gaze on his back, on his face, on himself, and it make it hard to breath.

As he took his seat next to Ned, once again the whole class was looking, observing him as if he was going to break and fall down to the ground in front them, screaming his pain. As if he would ever allowed himself to show any signs that could make him of a target than he already was. He didn’t need having Flash all over him about how he would have cried like a little girl in front his classmates. Plus, all of this looks were making him anxious. He couldn’t stop adjusting his hoodie, aking if there wasn’t any bump where his chest was, already regretting his binder. Wearing sports bra was horrible, it didn’t feel tight enough, or flat enough to him, and it only reminded him of how wrong his body was. He had tried different ones to find one that would still fit him even though he hadn’t really wear one for years - he even had to put on a bra out of last try. It was likely the only one he owned, one that had been abandoned in some dark land. It made him sick to the stomach the very moment he attached it, feeling so compressed despite the fact that it was way looser than a binder. He was feeling trapped, and couldn’t manage to look down when he went to put it off in a hurry. He promised himself he would never try another one ever again. A shiver went all the down his spine as the teen remembered how disgusted of himself he felt.

Peter jumped as Ned pressed his shoulder to catch his attention. “Pete,” his friend started, whispering, “I wanted to know if you felt like talking about it.”

His sentence was vague, making Peter’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Ned, I already told I don’t need to talk about him.” His own answer came in the same tone as his friend’s, though his throat tightened a little when he mentioned his uncle.

He didn’t bother waiting for any kind of response, starting directly to write down what they teacher was saying.

“No, you got it wrong,” Ned interrupted him, coming closer to him in order not to be catch while speaking. “I wasn’t talking about him. I was referring to the other thing.”

Peter almost thanked him for not mentioning any name - he wouldn’t have been able to bear it - but turn his head slightly towards him, confusion all over his face.

“The other thing…?”, he asked, not quite sure about where the conversation was headed.

The second boy took the time to quickly copy everything he had missed, before responding. “The other thing bothers you and hurt you.”

Peter’s confusion was harder now, and he couldn’t help but catch the way his friend almost chuckle seeing is struggle to understand.

“Hey genius,” Ned continued, well aware that this nickname was going to make him roll his eyes, “I know enough to tell something’s wrong, y’know ? And I can also tell it’s not what everyone around here think. I’m pretty sure something else happened this weekend, and I get that you don’t want to talk about it, but a hint about what to avoid doing or saying could at least be helpful to me.” He smirks as he finished his explanations. Irony probably wasn’t the best way to get his friend to confess himself, but it could make him smile and this was his only purpose.

Peter went silent. He should have predicted that Ned would eventually make some truthful conclusion by himself, but he was still amazed. He was aware of how he could get observant sometimes, but also of the way he would always make sure to support him - especially since the teen had come out to him, explaining the whole situation. He knew everything already, yet his best friend was still able to surprise him, and it felt good.

Warmth surrounded his entire body. He felt loved, and it was weird to only realize now how much Ned meant to him, but he did anyway. He was feeling the urge to hug the other boy, forcing him not to do any of it - it would be awkward for both of them if they went hugging during class. Instead, he let his mouth forme the widest grin it could.

“Thanks man,” he murmured, his friend nodding as an answer. “I truly appreciate that.”

He hesitated for a second, uncertain whether he wanted or not to explain everything to him.

Biting hard on his bottom lip, he decided to choose honesty. “Listen, I can’t tell you right now what happened. Maybe tomorrow if you come over to my house, I don’t know… I just don’t feel comfortable talking about right here. But, to be quick about what bothers me except this whole… situation…. It’s just that I ended up wearing my binder for way too long, got myself injured ribs and a cut-in-two binder, such as an impossibility of wearing one anytime soon. Without forgetting the fact that I definitely don’t own the money to buy another one, and that I ended up being called the wrong name again.” He was looking at his hands while explaining, not feeling brave enough to maintain his friend’s gaze. “I know it’s pretty much ridiculous, but when you put everything together, it’s feels like it’s to much to handle. And, maybe concentrating myself on my dysphoria helps me not to focus over the events, but it’s seems like it is getting worse because the events just made me weaker. It’s messing with my head, I can’t find what to think about, nor what to try and focus myself on, y’know ? It’s pretty much overwhelming and those looks I am getting are making me feel sick to the stomach. Like, what if they paid too much attention and ended up noticing I am not who I pretend to be ? What if Flash hears about it or notice it himself ? What if they are all going to treat me as some kind of murderer because everyone near me happens to die and -”.

Both boy’s eyes widen in shock once they understand what Peter just let slip. Ned already knew how much he would put himself down for everything bad that could possibly happen in his life, but hearing this… It was different. It was showing how much those nasty things Flash would tell him were actually getting his best friend. It showed so much he couldn’t respond during a minute, just feeling grateful that everyone was so focused on their work that they wouldn’t notice their conversation.

“Dude,” he let out softly, quitting his shock state and stopping Peter from overthinking even more, “I… I don’t really know what to say…”. And it was genuinely true : he didn’t know where to begin, you could see it all over his face - confusion, overwhelment. “Okay, I… erm… I just want you to stop saying that you are pretending to be someone, or lying to the others. It’s not true  As far as I know, you’re the nicest man I ever met - and it’s still a valid label even if you are lacking of some usual male physical and biological aspects. You’re not less of a man than I am because you happen to have bigger pecs or a higher voice or anything else. You are you Pete, you’re not fooling anyone. You just live your life as your true self - and that’s the best thing you can do. It’s no one business to know anything about your body. It’s yours, it belongs to you. So stop thinking even a minute that not mentioning to everyone you see that you are trans is something bad. You wouldn’t go to a total stranger and tell them you have only one nipple or hemorrhoid.” He marked a pause at the end of his sentence, smiling a little as he caught his friend chuckle a bit.

He figured that a while ago : when Peter is starting to drive himself crazy and put himself down about something he shouldn’t, using the most ridiculous examples will automatically makes him grin and feel a little bit better.

“Thanks Ned,” the boy suddenly heard, forcing him to stop zoning out, and shook his head once again to indicate the other one to wait. He still had things to say.

“Then,” he continued, “I’m feeling the urge to shove Flash’s head in the toilet right now man, you can’t even imagine. Like really ! Do you realize that he touched to the point where you implied you were the one causing all of your loss ? I mean, come on dude that’s crazy ! I know you well enough to be able and affirm that you wouldn’t hurt anyone - except this asshole of course but he deserves a hundred times worse. You are, and never will be responsible for all of this. Whatever you can think, or hear people say, you couldn’t have prevent it, or stop it. And I know it’s to accept, and that you will probably feel guilty anyways because people have been talking shit about your parents’ death all of your life, and this event isn’t going to help. I am aware of this. But I want you to hear that it’s all false. I don’t even have any big argument, I mean… You’re you ! You doesn’t have the power to control life, death, or other person’s behavior.” Ned stopped once again, scratching his head nervously. He felt like he couldn’t find the right words, and the look on his friend’s face was breaking his heart. “I don’t really don’t have a clue about how I could make you believe, but Pete, I would never lie to you about something like that. So just.... Try and talk about it if you feel those thoughts are eating alive again. And before I forget about it or before we get lectured because we are talking, it’s not ridiculous. Feeling down, experiencing bad dysphoria and focusing about it and all… You manage to handle things the best way possible for yourself. It’s nothing extravagant or wrong, just basic mental health care. And even though you did fucked up for wearing that binder to the point of being injured, please don’t overthink this too much either. It will heal, and you will get a new one - I could even buy it for you let me do so. It will be okay Pete, and you will be alright too. Try to focus on that okay ?”

It was silent for a second between the two friends, until Peter went and point his hand towards Ned, smiling as they checked. It could have said something in return to his friend’s words, but he couldn’t manage to, overwhelmed by everything. And this little act was saying way more than he could ever say. It was a silent ‘thank you’, a silent hug, a silent apology, even a silent ‘I love you’. It was everything and the boy knew Ned understood it. They didn’t discussed any more, quickly going back to the work they were supposed to have finished by the end of the hour, both smirking. Maybe he wasn’t feeling all happy again, but Peter felt like he could handle this. And it was all he needed for now.

Well it was all he needed until yesterday.

With this part, the second chapter finally starts. I hope you liked it and also like how the story is going so far. I'm sorry for taking it so slow (I assume people usually like the part where Peter meets the Avengers but I felt the need to write all this before).
Stay safe and hydrate,
H.