T.W: dysphoria and mention of loss.

At first, Peter thought everything would go quickly. Sure, he didn't expect Mr.Stark to go to his house as soon as he received his text, nor did he think that him and Wade would constantly talk or flirt no matter the time. He did think, though, that he would at least get news from both of them - which he didn't. It's been three days now, and a weight slowly grows on his chest each time he checks his phone wishing to see at least one text on the screen - only to stare at his wallpaper. The teen can't help but think about it, even today. He's supposed to be happy, to be excited, yet the only thing surrounding his mind is the lack of presence from both men. He is worried, he can't hide it anymore - Ned actually saw through him from the beginning - and he hates not being able to do something. In those kinds of moments, even though he is your friendly neighborhood Spider-man, he has the impression to be more helpless than anyone. And to top it all, his dysphoria is increasing hours after hours - he doesn't get a single break.

Music blasting in his headphones - actually the sound is very low but his senses are so overwhelmed these days that it feels like the singers are screaming - he walks calmly to school, concentrating on his thoughts and not caring a second about the life around him. His eyes are struggling to stay open, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier as he approaches his destination, just like the way his body acts. Each step he takes appears to engrave him in the ground, and his muscles barely move. His entire being is sore, every single part sending pain messages to his brain. Peter is tired. He is so tired of all of this. He really thought something good would happen and change his life - which is actually going to happen as he finally has a meeting with an endocrinologist this afternoon who will probably allow him to go on T - but seeing how things are going, he's not sure he can bear it for much longer. He knows he should talk to someone, see a therapist or at least try some light methods to get better, he knows it. But everything feels so hard right now. He doesn't even want to learn things anymore - even being Spiderman doesn't ease his conscience a bit. It scares him, the way his mind can get this dark so easily, the way he can lose all will to live in a matter of seconds. Peter never really thought he was brave or anything near to it, but seeing himself be this weak makes him want to punch himself. If only he knew how to get better, if only he could put together all of the strength he has left, maybe he could actually feel okay.

"Duuuude !" Ned's voice interrupts his thoughts, making him jump a little of fear and barely containing a scream.

The boy shows a finger to his friend, asking him to wait as he takes off his headphones. He doesn't talk, he doesn't mention the fact that he also has to calm his breath nor that he has to bring his thoughts back together in order not to attack the other teen. Peter doesn't know how he didn't do it actually. Normally, his spider senses help him in those situations, but he is so tired that he didn't even give them attention.

"Hey Ned," he says once he feels confident enough in his voice to speak, smiling to his friend. He is well aware he won't fool the boy, but at least it's always better than to be faced by someone always being sad. He will never be thankful enough to Need to actually stay by his side and bear to have a friend like him - he doesn't deserve his friendship.

Furrowing his brows, the boy stays silent and puts an arm around Peter, squeezing him. "You weren't answering my texts man, I thought you would never arrive !" he says dramatically, laughing.

Peter really wants to laugh with him, but he can only bring himself to chuckle a little. He wants to tell him that he ignored him on purpose, but he can't tease him back. A part of him wants to ask the boy how the hell was he supposed to answer his texts when he didn't even notice he had some, nor that he was at school. Guilt surrounds him as he looks at him. His best friend is like the sun to him, but those days the sun doesn't have so much effect.

"I would never dare to let you here all alone-" his voice cracks before he can end his sentence, sounding way higher than he wanted. Peter instantly shut up, almost stopping in the middle of the corridor.

Oh how he hates when this arrives. His eyes water a bit and he forces himself to keep them close in order to keep control. He doesn't want to talk anymore, his throat tightening and making him gulp just at the thought of it, and he feels so sorry for Ned. He knows it's not easy to be friends with him, and he can't imagine how hard it is now that every day is a living hell for Peter. He who before was most of the time so full of energy entirely shut down now.

"Hey dude," the tightening grip on his shoulder makes him open his eyes, allowing him to meet his best friend's reassuring glare, "it's okay. Your voice was okay. And I know you wouldn't do that to me - otherwise i'd probably search and kill you !" Ned shoots him a smile as he finishes talking, squeezing harder and leading them to their first class.

He smiles. Peter smiles. His lips curl under their own will, and stay in place. He loves this feeling. His chest is warmer than before, the weight on it seems a little lighter. Looking around for a second, he can't help but feel a little bit excited about what he is about to tell his best friend. He knows he should have told him way before today, but nothing was sure, and he wants to make him happy. To show him things will get better.

"It's today," the teen mutters slowly, lowering his head. His smile doesn't leave his face, despite the nervosity growing inside him and his teeth chewing into his bottom lip. He's not nervous about his friend's reaction, but more because of the place he is right now. Peter never liked talking about his transition at school.

"What do you mean ?" Ned's expression almost makes him laugh. It's clear to Peter that he is afraid he made a mistake or forgot something important - for a split second he thinks about teasing him and faking being mad at him for no reason, but he forgets the idea quite quickly, too excited to tell him.

"The meeting with the doctor that will maybe allow me to start T," Peter stares at him proudly as he says those words, his chest warming when he sees Ned passing from fear to pure joy.

"Dude that's awesome !" the boy almost screams, pulling him into a tight hug, laughing from the excitation. As he pulls away, he grips Peter's shoulders, a big smile eating his face, "Why didn't you tell me sooner ? That's so cool !"

His happiness brings Peter to tears, but he does his best to keep it in. He answers by the same smile as his friend, and without a word, takes his arm and leads him to their class, leaving Ned confused.

"The bell is gonna ring dude," he quickly explains with a chuckle, "we have to go if we don't want to be late. But be sure I'll explain everything once we're sat, and with MJ, she has to know too."

Behind him, his friend only nods and starts walking by his side, punching him lightly in the shoulder once they can hear the bell. Both of their mouths are curled into the biggest grin possible. Peter likes that. For once, he forgets about his growing anxiety, about his dysphoria, his nightmares. He forgets everything, and the only thought remaining in his head is that he may start T soon - and that's enough to make him the happiest boy in town. He's been waiting for this for years now, and to think the opportunity is just in front of him is crazy.

They arrive quickly to their classroom, where they find MJ already sitting at their table, reading a book without caring about the world around her. They're fast to install themselves by her side, their excitement remaining the same as in the corridors.

As soon as everything is set, and taking advantage of their teacher's lateness, Ned starts without missing a bit, "Now explain everything dude !" his voice sounds almost like an order and it catches the girl's attention.

Peter laughs as he's faced by the impatience and the confusion of both of his best friends.

"What is it now, losers ?" MJ asks, her brows furrowing.

Before the teen can answer, Ned interrupts him, the volume of his voice making him frown, "Peter's maybe gonna start T ! He's gonna know today !"

The girl's eyes widens as a little smirk appears on her face too. "That's actually really good news !"

The teen nods at her, his chest warmer than ever. He feels strangely proud about this meeting now.

"So !" Ned says once again before he can get lost in his thoughts, "Why didn't you tell us ?"

Peter almost sighs. He knows he wasn't forced to tell them, but he could have done it sooner. He was just afraid, and each time he wanted to talk about it, his throat would tighten and his voice wouldn't come out.

Shaking his head a bit, he takes a deep breath before starting his explanation. "Long story short, I was scared of having to cancel it again. 'Cause, like, around two years ago I was supposed to have a meeting, and I actually passed this kind of step where they ask you if you want to freeze some of your eggs to be able to have biological kids later or something like that - this procedure was a pain in the ass, hurt like a bitch and was also expensive as fuck, but hey, I guess you'll maybe have the chance to see little Peters running around in twenty years. I still don't know how we paid for it by the way, as one of the reasons I couldn't be on hormones blockers was money and this was way more expensive, but I won't complain. I'm glad I had the opportunity to do that." He scratches his head as he slowly starts to lose himself in the story, before concentrating once again, "back to the story. I was supposed to see the doctors one last time to know the dose I should take and if I was really allowed to start the treatment, but then hum... we ended up in this situation where we couldn't pay either for the meeting or the hormones as we needed the money for Ben's funerals and to also just keep living so... I guess I got scared that once again we would have some bad problems occuring and stopping the procedure so I didn't really want to get excited about it. And I guess I didn't realize it either."

Peter ends his monologue with his head down. He is surrounded by shame, though he doesn't know why, and can't dare to meet the glares of his friends. It's stupid, he just anounced them a beautiful news - for once - and all he can think about is how he was bad for not telling them, or getting scared for no reason. Sometimes, he hates how his mind goes in many different ways and makes him believe lies about his own life. He is so ashamed that he is on the verge of thinking going on T is a bad thing - though it is all he ever dreamt about since he learnt about it ! How could it possibly be a wrong thing ?

"Pete ?"

MJ's voice gets him out of his thoughts. It's soft, almost sweet and it reminds him of May's voice. He knows too well what she is going to say, judging by her tone, but he won't stop her. He always calms down so quickly when his aunt uses this voice - he just wants to listen to it for a little while.

Biting his bottom lip, he lets his eyes go up to meet his friends'. Oh, how he loves their smile right now, how he loves how they genuinely are happy for him. He really should make them feel this way more often, it would be for the better.

"Do you realize how strong you were to actually be able to support two other years off of T when you were this close to start ?" MJ's question surprises him, but he doesn't say a word. "I mean, yeah it's kinda shitty you had to cancel, and the reasons are horrible, but it just shows your strength ! And I get why you're scared, but this time nothing will get in the way ? I mean, what could possibly happen ? And no, don't answer, cause of course in a way many things could go wrong but they represent nothing. So please, let us see a fucking smile for once, and be happy that tonight you'll get even closer to your objective !"

He listens to her. He listens, watching Ned who just nods to every word MJ is letting out. He doesn't question her honesty a single second, loving the way she says things just the way she thinks.

"You're right," he mumbles, his mouth arching a bit, "Tha-"

"Okay guys, everyone shut up !" The teacher's voice interrupts him as he enters the class, "I know I'm late, so don't waste time and be ready 'cause this time we are going to go fast."

Peter shivers at the tone, and quickly mouths a 'thanks' to both if his friend before turning his attention back on the adult. When he usually says they are going to go fast, he always loses the majority of the class and the teen can't let it happen to him. He already misses enough class with being Spiderman - he has to understand the ones he attends to, and to get good grades.

Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a second, the boy forces himself to separate all of the noises he hears to only focus on his teacher's voice. He forces himself to only feel the pen in his hand and the way it travels on the page. The city's noises have to stay far at the back of his head, such as any other nuisance. And this ritual is necessary if he wants to be able to pass the whole lecture with the most concentration.

Sometimes, Peter misses the time when he didn't have to force himself to enter this state of intense concentration in order to follow a teacher for one hour. But he can't help it now - and it's only becoming worse and worse. He is well-aware that his lack of sleep and energy is causing him more and more overload senses crisis, but he can't do anything about it. His body just won't regenerate his energy fast enough. Of course, Aunt May thinks it would be for the best if he would just stop his Spiderman activities for a week, and if he would eat a little more - but he can't. Each time he tries eating the way he should, he almost instantly ends up the head in the toilets, throwing up. And if he stopped fighting crimes for just a week, who knows what would happen. Maybe another family will live a catastrophe like he lived, and he refuses to let that happen. He prefers having to do this stupid breathing exercise at the beginning of his course.

His hand flies on top of pages during the whole class. He doesn't stop writing a single second, doing everything he can to transcribe the most information possible on the paper. He really hates those kinds of lessons, where a teacher only speaks and the students write. It doesn't feel like learning at all, but he doesn't have a choice. Plus, he will surely teach himself more about the subject once at home, and the way he likes doing it, so he endures it.

His thoughts are full of the details concerning their new subject of study, and his appointment to start T is almost forgotten. The only remaining traces of it are the subtle looks Peter gives to the clock. Even if he is stressed out about it, he is much more excited than he wants to admit. And a hundred breathing exercises wouldn't help with that. He still has the rest of the day to go, but every minute brings him closer to the fatidic moment and it would make him smile if he wasn't this concentrated.

I know it's been a while, but I wanted to finish writing this entire (all of the parts) before posting it. So here it is. Little disclaimer ahead: the chapter is more than 12 000 words long, so you'll probably get more parts or longer ones.
Anyways, I hope you liked it (if you could like or leave a comment to let me know, it would make my day).
Stay safe and hydrate,
H.