TW : suicide attempt, dark thoughts, dysphoria, self-harm...

*

The feeling came back every night during the week. Not the one Peter was used to, not necessarily the nightmares. More like he was missing something. His heart felt heavy, yet empty. But why ? He couldn't find a reasonable answer, and tonight isn't any different. 

Sitting on his bed, desperately trying to catch his breath, the teen seems more helpless than ever. He knows it. Every thing in the way he is acting, moving or even thinking, shows how bad his state is. Scratches all over his face and his chest, fist clenching around the sheets, he can't help but cry at how pathetic he finds himself. 

"A hero isn't supposed to cry," he mutters after another sob escaped his lips, voice hoarse and throat tightening, his shoulders shaking. "A hero isn't supposed to be this weak."

He doesn't want to believe what he says, but it's surrounding his mind. His own voice repeats the same words over and over again, making him feel worse as the minutes pass. He has no control over it, and each time he wakes up in the morning, he asks himself how can his own voice differ so much from what he believes. Is it really his own voice ? Is it really him speaking ?

He wants to escape this. He wants to run away, to be free from his doubts, his nightmares, his memories, and this hole that extends day after day in his heart. But he is so afraid of it that he can't manage to move a little, to do something about it. The whole world is too much for him to bear now - from school to his best friends to being spiderman. It all hurts, and he is so tired. 

Though Peter isn't able to dream at night, he still has the hope to actually sleep - he dreams of getting rest. He is a walking zombie, and people are starting to notice it, making him more nervous each morning when he sees the dark circles under his eyes. Ned is getting worried, such as MJ and May, and he is a bad liar. They will soon enough find out, but he doesn't want them to. He has to find a solution.

Actually, he does have something at the back of his mind, a secret and dark desire he does his best to hide and avoid. He almost gave up many times, as the darkness of the night only makes him more vulnerable, though he is still going strong. But, the thought is always here, like an animal spawning his prey. Not too discrete, not too noticeable ; not too loud, not too quiet, it stays in the shadow and makes him weaker. The idea of letting go and succumbing makes the teen weak in the knees. He is afraid. It's rational fear, yet he also wish to listen to it. Knowing that the possibility is still here makes him happy in a way he shouldn't be, and as his eyes lay on the stars outside the window he wonders 'Why not?'.

He is aware it may not help at all or succeed, but the need infiltrates his body, and soon he can't think about anything else. He is losing the fight over the control of his moves, getting up and putting his Spiderman suit that was landing on the floor. His feet guide Peter naturally to the window, and he swings out of his room without a glace back. He hears Karen greeting him, but he doesn't reply. He doesn't reply either when she asks why he is awake at such an early hour, nor when she informs him that Mr.Stark sent him another text talking about a place waiting for him in the Avengers team. He is used to all of it by now, but he turns a deaf ear. Why would he bother another set of person and become a burden ? Why would he explain once again to Karen that everything is fine and that she doesn't have to call Mr.Stark - though it isn't the truth ?

He stays silent, swinging through the city, not even enjoying the way the lights appear in the darkness of the night. Arriving to the building he always goes to, he doesn't smile either. The sight of the Stark tower in the distant doesn't calm him. It bothers him though, not being in control of what he feels, and now that he is sitting at the end of the roof, everything hit him harder. He isn't wearing a binder, and the realization makes his eyes teary. How could he forget ? What if someone sees him ? He can't take the risk to be seen as what his body is, he wouldn't bear it. 

"Fuck" the teen breathes out, biting hard into his bottom lip, getting up.

He can't do it. Not without his binder, the only thing that makes him feel masculine. He can't let people discover him without it on. It doesn't matter if the binder is completely torn up and too old, not really useful anymore - he can't. But, standing here, the ground so far away from him yet so close, he freezes. Is he able to wait another day ? It already feels too much, way too much for him, how would it be tomorrow? It can only get worse, it will never get better. He know it, miracle doesn't exist. His nightmares won't go away, his body won't change during the night and become the one he is supposed to have, his uncle and his parents aren't getting back to life… nothing is going to get better by tomorrow, and as much as he loves the ones that are still here, as much as he loves what he does - it's too heavy to carry on his shoulders.

Peter's vision is blurry, yet he is well able to see his own foot moving and stopping in the void. But the second doesn't follow. A war is raging in his mind, and a little something is holding him back - just this idea was helping him to live day after day, with always a solution if it got too hard. But it is now, and he doesn't understand why it seems so hard. Focused on the ground under him, his eyes won't offer him a clear picture of what is waiting for him. His tears roll down his cheeks without him noticing it until he feel their saltiness on his lips. Why is everything so confused ? He wants, he really wants to make this last step forward, yet his body isn't listening to his orders. Mind, heart and carnal envelope are totally disconnected. It hurts him more.

He is used to the pain. He knows everything about it. But this one hits different. All of his muscle tighten, from his heart to the ones in his toes, in his face - he tenses and freezes so much it burns, so much it pulls him from everywhere. It is overwhelming, and it feels like he can't breathe. He gasps for air, suffocating quietly. Either way he is probably going to finally sleep as much as he wants, but why does his body chooses the most painful way ? Lacking of oxygen has always been one his biggest fear, and the binding plus the time he got stuck under a building because of the Vulture made it worse. His lungs burns from a too familiar fire, and he can't help but hope. The boy hopes it will stop, he hopes it will end soon. 

"Spidey what the hell are you doing ?"
He jumps, his head turning to look behind him, surprised by the voice.

His body and his mind start to work normally once again, but the way he feels himself going down shows that it will not help him. It's too late. One last time, as his feet leaves the roof, he takes a look to the person who screamed. The leather guy is standing there, running towards him. Peter wants to shout at him that he will not make it, that he can see the guy is way to slow, but he doesn't find the strength to. He wants to feel himself fall. Strangely, he isn't panicked by the slow pace with which he is going down, nor by the fact that he will not survive - he could if he wanted to, a single wed and he is back on the roof. But does he want to ? This fall is the exact reason he came here, though he didn't expect someone to make him jump out of surprise. In the end, it was all he wanted.

"Not today Satan !" Deadpool screams once again, and before Peter could clearly understand what he heard, he feels a hand gripping his wrist and his body stopping in the air. 

His eyes widen when he sees Wade bent over the edge or the roof, one hand holding his and the other one trying to get a better grip. He did it. He caught him.

"I don't know where you think you are going this way Spidey," the man struggles to let out, having difficulty to breathe slowly, "but I can assure you, it's not worth it. And you damn sure aren't going to arrive to your destination ! Not under my watch !"

Peter stays silent, watching Wade in awe under his mask. The words seem to have disappear from his brain, and he doesn't know what he is supposed to express. Anger ? Sadness ? Thankfulness ?

Letting out a growl and tightening his grip on Peter's arm, Deadpool pulls him up. The boy doesn't know how he manages to do it, pretty sure it is impossible to save someone with such a light grip, but before he can say something his body half hits the floor, half hits the other man. 

"I hope you have a great explanation for this," Wade threatens him under his breath, "because I'm pretty sure you just broke one of my ribs."

Slowly, Peter lets him go, still wondering what to say. He is somehow amazed by the jokes the other one is saying, and it scares him. What will happen when he will actually be serious.

"I think you are exaggerating," the boy simply answers, trying to follow the statement that was just made, his voice still a bit shaky.

By his side, Deadpool gets up growling, and stretches, before glaring back at him. The teen gulps, his heart pounding hard into his chest, and he almost forgets how to breath for a second. The leather man is intimidating him more than ever now that he himself is sitting and the other one is standing, arms crossed on his chest.

"Oh yeah you think ?" Deadpool's voice comes out, harsh and filled with rage. "You think I am ? I suppose that if I screamed at you I would also be overreacting, right?"

Though he isn't able to see the glare he is receiving because of the mask, Peter knows he would see the flames of anger if he could. Wade isn't angry, he is beyond that. But why ? Shyly, the teen nods, afraid of what is coming.

"Of course I would !" Wade is quick to explode, his arms gesturing in the air. "It isn't like you almost jump from the building, and fell and nearly died in front of my eyes ! What would have happened if I didn’t get here in time ?!"
The tone of his voice appeals Peter. It isn't such anger that he perceives, but fear, maybe worry or anxiety. In this situation, he would have expected to be confronted to disappointment at the least, and could only be surprised by the other's feelings. Why would he seem this implicated?

The teen doesn't answer at first, mouth slightly opened at Deadpool's words. All he could think about was a hundred questions about his behaviour, and couldn't form any sentence to say. The leather guy is standing in front of him, his body screaming panic - moving uncontrollably, arms in the air or on his head, without forgetting the way he talks sometimes to himself quickly - but it doesn't seem to affect him. For a second, the boy can’t help but ask himself if there is something wrong with him. Maybe he is too tired of everything, maybe he just doesn't understand because he’s never been at Wade's place… 

"Why…" Peter starts, looking away as he reaches the back of his head with one hand, unsure, "why do you… why do you care… ? I mean… it was nice to help me, but… why ?"

As the words come out of his mouth, he sees the behaviour of the other man change : he stops, arms along his body, looking shocked by the question. It isn’t that answering is hard, they both know that, but the answer in itself is, by its meaning. It’s true after all. Why ? Peter is just another teen who is lost in what his life is, lost in every single ones of the events that happened to him and come back every night to haunt him. He is just another name on a long list of people. He is nothing. So why would Deadpool care ? Or, what made him care ? 

“I…” Wade’s voice resonates, low and breathless. “I just…” The man stops and looks away, laying his eyes on the Stark Tower. Peter could laugh at this move, but he doesn’t. He keeps staring at him, his mind weirdly calm for the first time tonight. 

With a heavy sigh, the leather guy shakes his head before coming closer to the boy and sitting next to him, never looking away from the building in the distance. He seems lost in his thoughts, not breaking the silence between the two of them, staying still with his legs balancing in the void. He doesn’t react to the constant glare of Peter, he doesn’t move when a car honks multiple times two streets away from them - whereas the boy actually flinches, his senses still oversensitive because of his nightmare and his own thoughts. 

"I guess…" the leather guy's voice starts once again, way lighter than before, "I guess I didn't wanted you to do the same mistake as me, with the chance of succeeding."

Peter's eyes widen as soon as he gets the meaning of the words.

"You tried…?" He starts, not being able to finish. Not a single time did he imagine that the guy who keeps him company each time he comes here, the guy who just saved him, would have had the same thoughts.

Wade doesn't answer. He turns his head towards the teen, rolling up his mask in order to let his mouth appear, along with his burnt skin. He doesn't answer, but the smile he shoots at Peter is way better than any words.

The boy tries not to flinch when he discovers the botting of deadpool's face. He never knew the rumors about the merc with a mouth would be true. He always assumed it was just a way to scare people, to make them wish not to cross his way. He doesn't feel sorry for him though, more like curious. He wants to know how the guy ended up doing this job, how he got injured. He wants to actually know Wade, and it scares him. He promised himself to never let anyone enter his life ever again. 

"I dont know anything about you Spidey," the other guy's voice brings Peter back to the reality, "but you can trust me on this. This isn't a solution, and it wont help. There are too many chances of it failling and injuring you badly, too many chances that you actually just wanted to kill something else than yourself. Have you ever thought about this possibility ?"

Wade stops, a comforting smile on his lips, as the teen stares at him, confused. Peter isnt sure to understand anymore, but for once he wants to listen. It isnt like the other times he heard people say 'it will pass', or things like that. 

"Maybe," Deapools says as he looks in the distance, "maybe you want to kill the way you live, or the part of yourself that keeps all of your problems, or maybe it is your dark thoughts that you want to murder. You know, you aren't just made of your heart and your thoughts, you have so many things more in you. And along with that you have different ways to act. I think there is a chance that you want to suppress one of those. Which can be done without dying. "

The silence grows after the end Wade's monologue, and Peter doesn't try to break it. He stares at the guy next to him, his eyes watering and his mouth wide opened. He doesn't know how to describe how he feels, it isnt such surprise, but maybe more realization. He always thought that he had searched for every solution and this one was the ultimate one, the best one ; never did he take the problem under this point of view.

"Peter," he blurts out without realizing it, out of nowhere. Immediately, he turns his head toward Deadpool, his eyes widening, waiting for anything bad that could happen. Why did he say that ?

"Hi Peter," Wade's voice shocks him even more by his light tone, along with the sincere smile the boy can see on his face, "it's nice to meet you. And it's nice to see that you listened, and trusted me."

I'm sorry. I'm truly and deeply sorry. I know I wasn't obligated to write such scenes (and I didn't like it), but i always thought that Peter was hiding so much under his liveliness and jokes that it seemed right to create this. I know it's triggering, and really sad, and probably not what you want to read when you read a fanfiction.so sorry
But once again, I find it important to see this part if Peter, and to see the answer of Wade. Maybe it can help people to read it, maybe it can just help Peter. I don't know.
Just know that if you're like Pete, you aren't alone, you never are. And one day it's gonna be okay.
I still hope you liked this part of the chapter,
Stay safe and hydrate,
H.