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FEBRUARY 8

    "Let's watch a movie~" Felix chirped.

   Thank goodness it was Saturday again. It had been another long, emotionally exhausting week, and Minho would have been glad to lounge around and watch something for a while, to zone out and (hopefully) not think.

    This week was so weird.

   Things were like they'd never been before. Minho's mind was thrown for a loop the moment he asked Jisung for help, and ever since he'd been struggling to figure out what to do, what to think, and what to feel. He was losing his firm, desperate grip on what he considered 'right' (or more like, 'appropriate, personally-befitting behavior') because now his objective had changed from 'pretend it's all good so that no one knows you're a pathetic baby inside' to 'fix the fact that you're a pathetic baby inside', and honestly, he didn't know how to do it... how to do it his way, that is.

   The weirdest thing was that as Jisung kept springing small, inconspicuous touches on him (like he said that he would, and Minho techincally allowed, though he really wasn't okay with it) throughout the week, his reactions weren't consistent. Jisung touched him three times that week, not counting Sunday.

   Tuesday, Jisung just tapped his forearm briefly to get his attention and ask if he'd heard how many pages were assigned to read in the Bio textbook that day, because he'd evidently missed it when the professor mentioned it. Minho just found it irritating, as he always did when someone tapped him. Weren't there other ways of catching attention that weren't so disgruntling? But... still, it wasn't the usual discomfort. It was different. Why was it different?

   Because it was simplest solution to let him to put away the thought and continue with whatever more important thing he'd been trying to focus on, he just brushed off the section of his affected section of his arm, since he was used to feeling a lingering discomfort from contact like that, and the fact that it wasn't there, much like it wasn't there where Jisung touched his shoulder, was freaking him out. Minho had already been already feeling off and having trouble focusing that morning, so he had to do what he could to get it off his mind, and that meant carrying out his usual 'cleaning-off', even if it wasn't really needed.

   After that, there was one occasion where Jisung casually extended his closed hand for a fist bump upon seeing Minho. It was something that a lot of the other boys did when they felt like it without even thinking, but no one ever tried it with Minho, thank goodness. Minho really didn't want to press his fist to Jisung's but, ah, wouldn't it be worse to refuse and have to deal with Jisung's pestering him about it afterwards?

   It turned out to not be so bad. Knuckles on knuckles wasn't all that disturbing, because it hardly even felt like skin was touching, and the tiniest stinging sensation from the hit covered any of the regular discomfort. Still, it wasn't something he wanted to let Jisung make a habit of doing.

   Then, yesterday, Jisung did something similar (though this time it was at breakfast when Minho quietly remarked that he shared one of Jisung's weird food opinions)— he flashed an open palm at Minho for a high five, and again, Minho decided it was better to just let him have his way and give him a (not very enthusiastic, and fairly hesitant) hand to meet it... but when he did, Jisung closed his fingers around Minho's all of a sudden and gave their hands a solid shake, as if he were cheering. ...Minho jerked his hand away from him hurriedly, not only because others were present and able to see, but because... he kind of liked it, and as expected that set him off to have another complicated, anxious day.

   Yeah... it was a tough week, so Minho was glad to hear that everyone else was just as ready to laze about and do something mindless for a good two hours or so.

    As soon as Chan's shift was over (a little after dark), the lot of them filed into 2Chan's room. This time, half of them climbed up to Chan's bunk and pressed in close like a pack of sardines to fit.

   Chan was laughing as Felix, Hyunjin, and Changbin all pulled themselves up and filled up all the space on his bed, draping their legs over the rail. Seungmin sat down on Changbin's empty bed, and Jeongin propped himself up on his elbows beside him, with the older boy ruffling his hair affectionately and coaxing him to lay his head in his lap (watching that made Minho's stomach twist and made him turn his head in the opposite direction with reddening cheeks).

   Minho really didn't know where he wanted to sit now. Out of habit, he stalled until Jisung sat at the foot of Changbin's bed, but as he stood waiting, he realized he didn't quite know how he felt about seating arrangements now, all of a sudden... which was strange. He found, suddenly, that he didn't really feel any sort of urgency to sit as far away from Jisung as possible today. Today, it was fine to just be far enough away to maintain his preciously guarded personal space, and aside from that, he didn't care.

   For once, the safely-isolated desk chair in the corner didn't really seem to be calling his name. Maybe it was because he didn't want to be so glaringly different for once; maybe he just wanted to blend in with the rest of the boys that were acting as if the room was half the size, pressing in much closer than necessary.

   ...But that still didn't mean Minho wanted to be anywhere considerably close to them. He just didn't want them paying attention to his efforts to stay separated from them. He settled into a spot somewhere in between the chair and the filled beds: a place on the floor where he could press his back to the dresser underneath the overhang of Chan's bunk, and he could easily tilt his head up to stare at the screen when it came on and Hyunjin turned on the movie.

   He only actually watched for a few minutes before his eyes seemed to glaze over and he drifted away, caught up in his thoughts, and fidgeting with his hands, pulling a pillow that had fallen off of Chan's bunk over his knees.

『 ↳✧･ﾟ

i feel kinda...

i dunno, it's like... i'm not quite comfortable— i want something, maybe a blanket?

i think i feel like i need something to weigh me down again, 'cause i keep drifiting away... wait a minute, this is almost the same feeling as—

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 』

  Minho looked to his left, where Jisung was, after scooting closer to Seungmin to rest his head on the younger boy's knee. Sighing shakily and almost inaudibly, Minho drew his knees in and wrapped his arms tightly around the pillow.

『 ↳✧･ﾟ

no! ugh! why!

...wish it wasn't like this.  i'm starting to feel the ache in my chest again. and the itch-that-isn't-an-itch in my whole upper half. i know what this means.  

oh... wait... does this mean if i get into bed tonight i won't be able to sleep?  

i almost want him to come over here and like... hold m— ugh! that's weird! why does my body keep doing this?!

i hate this.

...i hate myself. my dumb body, for telling me i need weird, disgusting things. ...my dumb mind, for making me different than everyone else, who just do all the things i could never do like they're the easiest, most obvious things in the world. 

...most of all i think i hate the fact that i'm starting to wonder which one i should actually listen to. 

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 』

   Minho buried his face into the pillow up to his eyes, squinting at the bright screen, chewing on his lips and trying to push down the terrifying craving.

   What if he forgot to pay attention and did something unpredictable because of the quickly-growing aches that came from this horrifying desire?

『 ↳✧･ﾟ

i... i want to cuddle, as gross as that sounds to me. absolutely horrible. ew ew ew ew eweewewww what on earth is wrong with me?? i never want to let that sentence into my mind again, even if it's unfortunately... true.

thinking that alone gives me shivers, and actually doing that would be way worse, but doing that when other people are around to see sounds a thousand times worse.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 』

   Minho flinched violently when, suddenly, he found Jisung leaning close to him— too close to him— whispering, "Hey—"

『 ↳✧･ﾟ

oh— shoot! dang it!

i guess i was holding the pillow too tightly. hah... oops... i didn't realize i was being so obvious. dammit, now what's gonna happen?

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 』

   Gently, Jisung reached over to take the pillow out of Minho's grip, coming dangerously close to brushing arms with him, which made Minho clench his teeth and hold his breath subconciously. And... he opened his arms toward Minho and looked at him welcomingly, almost expectantly.

『 ↳✧･ﾟ

are you seriously—

nonononononono! i'm not doing this! not where everyone can see—  oh my gosh— please tell me no one's looking.

ugh! why do you only read my mind at inconvenient times?!

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 』

    Panicking wildly inside, Minho stared blankly at Jisung. And then he hurriedly shook his head, scooting away (regrettably a little over-dramatically), arms closing around himself with no pillow filling the space between his knees and chest, now.   

   Jisung pressed his eyebrows together, but he didn't push Minho any further. Instead, he handed back the pillow, which Minho just left at his feet, and moved back to the edge of the bed. Instinctively, he subtly scanned the rest of the room to check that no one saw... but when his eyes immediately met Chan's, he felt fear strike his heart like lightning.

he... probably... didn't.. see... right???

    Minho spent the rest of the hour and a half left in the movie feeling tense, in more ways than one, but not just that, he also came shockingly close to regretting that refusal... which was something foreign.

   Minho was certainly no stranger to feeling regret. He felt regret for every other thing he did, choice he made, or word he said. It was always 'i shouldn't have done that; it's not like me... or not like who i wish i was', but had he ever regretted... not doing something before?

   Had he suddenly turned into someone who was ready to accept help for any little thing that bothered him— or, frankly, had he suddenly gone back to being that person?

   That was just yet another terrifying thought, and to keep it at bay, he just had to keep reminding himself, as the craving grew, and as his strange, nonsensical jealousy towards the other boys who'd cozied up with each other began, that he would've felt even worse if he accepted.

   In some kind of fretful, anxious daze, Minho left the room when the movie finally ended (he only realized that happened because of the satisfied noises coming from Felix and Changbin right after the conclusion, and because it suddenly went rather dark when the credits started rolling), and he was the first to do so. Turned out that Jisung wasn't far behind him, because before he entered his room, (which was sounding like paradise currently, since it was quiet and isolated, so he could freely let his worries take him over instead of keeping them bound up tight behind a facade of being 'fine'), he was startled into alertness when he heard the younger boy call his name.

   ...Man, he was out of it.

   "Let's talk for a bit, yeah?" Jisung gave him a little, calming smile, that he saw when he fully turned around, back to the closed door that kept him just an inch or so away from the bliss (more or less) of being alone when his head was thick with confusion and anxiety.

    Oh, joy. Talking. His favorite thing... especially when he knew he wasn't in his right mind.

   Still, like a stubborn mule, he'd do anything to keep trying to pretend everything was fine, even if that meant agreeing to talk.

    "...O-kay," Minho muttered. He let Jisung follow him into his room and shut the door behind them.

   "Mind if I ask what's the matter?"

    "What, do I look upset to you?" Maybe he hadn't quite put down his habit of being snarky, yet. Maybe it would always end up showing when he felt defensive.

    "You know what I mean, don't you? Don't be difficult; I'm talking about earlier, during the movie."

     "Yeah." Minho sighed, looking down, remembering that he'd told Jisung he was allowed to help now. ...Right now, maybe he felt like that had been a dumb idea.

   Well... talking was part of the plan, right? To fix his body... he had to understand it, didn't he? Even if it was embarrassing?

   ...Was that right? Was he supposed to talk to Jisung or not? Things were getting muddled in his mind. Was it strong and brave to tell him things, or weak and cowardly? Did it matter? Did anything really matter?

    ...Minho was honestly becoming less and less sure that the plan he'd come up with would actually work as time went on and the goal kept seeming to go forgotten when he was under pressure.

    "You wanted to cuddle, right? What was with that reaction?" Jisung questioned, as if it wasn't obvious that the only thing on Minho's mind, in a situation like that, where there was suddenly someone threateningly close to him, would be scrambling away to a safe distance.

『 ↳✧･ﾟ

honestly... i still do. a lot. i still hate that word, though, so much it makes me want to die.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 』

 "I don't— I mean— I—" Minho absolutely hated the way he couldn't stop his stuttering and hyperventilating. Gosh, he looked so incredibly stupid.

    "Slow down, okay? There's no rush."

   "Yeah, but I can't— Not with other people around!" Minho finally blurted out.

    Finally, Minho said it.

   Not that Jisung didn't already know that Minho clearly wanted his arms around him (at least sometimes), but at least he finally admitted it. And that, even though it was something Minho hated saying and especially hated hearing himself say, clearly made Jisung very happy and proud somehow, judging by the way he broke out in a smile, and almost excitedly put a hand on Minho's cheek to hold it gently while he gave Minho's head a soft pat or two: a form of silent praise. But, when Minho's eyes went wide— really  wide—, he quickly drew his hands back, wondering if he'd gone too far.

oh my gosh.

   "Oh, 'm sorry, hyung. Was that too much?"

   But their voices collided because Minho was already blurting out the words, "Sung— more, please.."

『 ↳✧･ﾟ

...DID I JUST SAY THAT?

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 』

꘎♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡꘎

so this is actually the chapter that i mentioned wanting to show you guys a while back even though im sure you guys don't remember lol... it was chapter 34 until i went through and edited and cut two of the chapters in half.

...anyway the point is that i was excited to show this one to y'all and i hope you liked it haha.

@MyIdealTypeIsFelix i think you'll like the next one