♡

 DECEMBER 23

   The days went a little faster after the incident with Jisung, as Minho tried to keep himself sane, not thinking too much about anything; working more, sleeping more, too. It turned out that trying desperately to keep his mind focused on anything but the thought of what happened had a way of zapping his energy. Maybe that was the reason why he found it easier to fall asleep at the end of the days that came after that incident.

   It'd be so nice if he could just have his mind clear of humiliating memories for once.

    He made sure to try extra hard to keep his mind occupied and away from dangerous memories as he worked. Because he couldn't afford to lose it in public. That might be the last straw on the haystack of his tolerance for humiliating situations.

    Fortunately, a different sort of thought was currently taking up his mind.

   While jazzy versions of Christmas songs played quietly as Minho served hot chocolate in the diner, he realized that Christmas was much closer than he thought. And it didn't excite him like it used to— actually it didn't excite him at all. Must have been another nasty side effect of growing up... or having his mind caught up in buzzing incessantly and running in unpleasant loops.

oh well.

    On his break, he checked his vibrating phone. The notifications from Jisung's messages, that he'd swiped away from his home screen the moment he saw them, were amongst the pileup of  red, numbered bubbles and blue dots demanding attention inside his phone.

    He was avoiding Jisung again.

    ...As in, he ignored the multiple texts that the boy sent him, asking how he was doing.

    But this time, he wasn't upset with Jisung. He was just afraid.

    For that reason, he continued to pretend that those texts didn't exist, and instead, he opened the group chat that had been all quiet since the first week of college until now.

...

HIGH SCHOOL IDIOTS🤧

HYUNJIN

guys

SEUNGMIN

woah it's been forever since we've used this chat

CHAN

yeah, why'd you message here, hyun?

HYUNJIN

because i don't want jeongin to see

SEUNGMIN

 ARE YOU TRYING TO GOSSIP ABOUT THE BABY?

HYUNJIN

i-

HYUNJIN

no

HYUNJIN

 i feel like we should get him a suitcase for christmas

CHANGBIN

 that's the most boring christmas present ever

HYUNJIN

okay but seriously he has no suitcase

HYUNJIN

have you seen his poor backpack? i think he stuffed everything he owns into it and hoped it wouldn't explode

CHAN

 i mean he's got a point

CHANGBIN

me or hyunjin?

CHAN

 both tbh

CHAN

 i feel like it's a good idea. i wanted to get him something, too

CHANGBIN

how come we never get presents, chan hyung? >:(

CHAN

that's different. jeongin's new to the friend group and i want to make him feel included

HYUNJIN

 yeah that's what i was thinking too. it seems like he feels like he's an... idk.. eighth wheel sometimes? just cuz he's new

HYUNJIN

and i just wanted him to loosen up and realize he's important to us now

HYUNJIN

 i thought us all getting together to buy him a christmas present might help

SEUNGMIN

 well idk about you guys but i tell him he's important to me all the time

HYUNJIN

yeah well you do that by flirting

SEUNGMIN

so??

HYUNJIN

anyway i've been looking into it and i found some good ones

HYUNJIN sent a link

JISUNG

EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS??? FOR A BOX ON WHEELS????

CHANGBIN

you forgot the zipper.

CHANGBIN

it has a zipper too

JISUNG

true

SEUNGMIN

oh my gosh it's a pretty eight hundred dollar box on wheels with a zipper though

HYUNJIN

yeah it's pricey but think about it

HYUNJIN

what's worth more to you, a hundred bucks, or our precious little baby jeongin?

SEUNGMIN

i'd buy him as many as he wants

JISUNG

i'll put in money too but what if we went with the five hundred dollar one instead?

SEUNGMIN

it's not as pretty though

JISUNG

it's a suitcase

SEUNGMIN

>:(

JISUNG

okay then

HYUNJIN

well i need everyone to let me know if they want to put in money soon because i'm gonna go out and buy it tonight

...

    Since the beginning, Minho had taken a liking to kind, mild-mannered Jeongin, so he didn't think twice about agreeing to put in a hundred towards the suitcase before he shut off his phone and pushed it into his back pocket. It was a short-lived break, but he'd need to get back to work quickly, so that his mind wouldn't have time to wander to dangerous places.

♡

DECEMBER 25

   Minho woke up on Christmas, feeling disappointed— though he should've been used to it by now— that it no longer excited him. It'd been years... maybe a decade since he was more excited about Christmas than he was about sleeping in.

    But all the same, he went about his day, doing the things just about every family did. He was given a few gifts, and he gave a few more, and obliged his parents with a fake, tense smile for this year's version of the dumb "family picture" that his parents always insisted on for some strange reason, but it all felt so empty.

    The way that Minho felt around his family... it was hard to explain. He'd never tried explaining it, because why would anyone listen? (Not that he really wanted anyone to.)

    Minho never thought of himself as the type to get lonely, mostly because he knew that human presence was invariably exhausting and when he was by himself he felt better, but around his family...

   He just felt so isolated. And not in a good way. Not in the way that he felt after he came home from work and buried his face in his pillow and reveled in the peace and quiet of solitude (of course, this such thing hadn't happened since before he went to college because now it was never quiet for Minho because his thoughts were always unnecessarily, painfully noisy). 

   His chest felt tight and achy and even with— or, rather, because  of— the four other bodies in the room it felt desolate and yet, still too full; too crowded.

   Rather confusing, just like everything Minho had been feeling lately.

...

HIGH SCHOOL IDIOTS🤧

HYUNJIN

alright yall

HYUNJIN

merry christmas, btw

FELIX

MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYSS <3<3<3

SEUNGMIN

merry crisis

HYUNJIN

hi lix

FELIX

hi :]

HYUNJIN

anyway, i have wrapped the suitcase

HYUNJIN sent a photo

JISUNG

LMAOJFDSIFJSLGKD

CHRIS

that's an... interesting way of wrapping, hyun

HYUNJIN

shut up, yall haters

...

♡

   It was getting dark on Christmas Day, when a line of six boys stood waiting outside Seungmin's house. Multiple pairs of teeth chattered simultaneously in the cold, while Hyunjin spammed Seungmin's phone. The chaotically wrapped suitcase was tucked into Changbin's arms, with the handle protruding from the top and covered with a shiny, red bow. Minho stood at the back of the group gathered on the porch, a safe distance from everyone, and as far as he could be from a certain boy with something like x-ray vision.

   Seungmin finally let them in, basically smuggling them upstairs... Which was quite the feat when you were working with six rowdy boys. Or— actually, five rowdy boys plus Minho. Lucky for them, Jeongin was in the kitchen, helping Seungmin's parents clean up after dinner, probably, considering that Jeongin was the most polite person Minho had probably ever met.

   Staring the noisiest two of the boys down with an unforgiving gleam in his eyes and his finger pressed firmly against his lips, Seungmin let them into his bedroom, which had been decorated with strings of lights (that were turned off at the moment), and bits of garland; a Christmas tree in one corner, and an air mattress in the other. Jeongin's clothes and other belongings were neatly arranged beside it in a small pile as if each little thing was precious, whether it was a pair of socks or a piece of gum.

    Minho tilted his head. The room was spacious enough to easily fit two people, but on their way to Seungmin's room, they all walked past what must have been a guest room that had looked very much vacant and untouched. Yet there was an air mattress in the corner of Seungmin's room. Minho found it odd.

    The gift was set down a little away from the door, and as if on cue all of the boys dispersed, finding comfortable places to wait as Seungmin stepped out of the room to bring Jeongin up. Minho, as he tended to do, found a corner to tuck himself into, and he ended up at just the perfect angle to get the last bits of sunlight attacking his eyeballs since he was across from the window.

    "Jeongin!" Seungmin called, continuing when he heard a 'yes?' rise from the kitchen. "Can you come upstairs for a sec?

    Seconds later, Jeongin was at the top of the stairs, and already walking into the bedroom, squinting as his eyes tried to adjust to the dark, while Seungmin plugged in the lights and suddenly the room lit up with soft multi-color incandescents.

    The look on Jeongin's face when he saw the rest of the boys was priceless, yet it got only better when he saw the present sitting on the floor in front of him. Or, when he realized what it was. Because that took him several seconds. But when he did realize, his eyes sparkled with over-excited disbelief and his eyebrows slanted with an overwhelmed gratitude and his mouth fell open.

    Not even Minho could resist smiling at that.

    "Merry Christmas, Jeongin." Seungmin's voice was the one that said the words, but with the looks on the grinning faces around the room, clearly, everyone meant it.

   Speechlessly, Jeongin glanced around the room, almost as if he was trying to make sure they weren't playing a trick on him. Finally he stepped forward and knelt in front of the present, slowly tearing off a huge piece of wrapping paper.

    And then, he saw what the gift was, and he pressed his forehead to it silently. And sat there, unmoving.

     It was dead quiet for a considerable stretch of seconds. No one really knew what to do— you could tell by the way most of them were exchanging glances as they waited for Jeongin to move or speak or do anything.

   Then Jeongin lifted his head, and tears were freely flowing out of his eyes. The unavoidable smile that had been stuck on Minho's face suddenly disappeared and he nervously looked away. Thank goodness Jisung seemed to be focused on Jeongin right now.

    "Guys... T-these things are really expensive," Jeongin whimpered. His voice trembled as he spoke, but it didn't seem to matter to him. That, paired with the redness of his eyes, made for a far more powerful 'thank you all' than the three words themselves.

   In an instant, multiple of them were rushing to comfort him, while Minho shrunk into his corner, preparing to taste bile at the back of his throat.

   Hyunjin wrapped his arms around the youngest's waist while one of Chan's arms fell over his shoulder. Jeongin let himself be pulled into their arms, and cried into their shoulders without hesitation. (He was already nearly engulfed and totally hidden by just the two of them, but Felix couldn't resist a chance to shower his friend in affection, so he petted Jeongin's head.)

    It took Jeongin about five or so minutes to collect himself before he started to speak again. 

   When he was sitting on the floor, leaned back in Hyunjin's arms, Jeongin's shaky voice finally reappeared, though he still sniffled and wiped his eyes as he spoke. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get emotional... But it's kind of a lot, y'know? This... means a lot to me..." His voice was giving out by the end of the sentence. Lacking oxygen. Hyunjin reminded Jeongin to take a breath.

   "Inhale, Innie," he quietly said.

      Once Jeongin filled his lungs once or twice he kept going. Minho never heard him talk so much, and he was pretty sure that no one else had, either.

   "I know I kinda act distant with you guys... which probably makes it seem like being with you guys doesn't really matter to me— or like I don't care about you... but I..." Jeongin swallowed harshly probably to ease the tightness of his throat (something Minho was unfortunately accustomed to doing). He knew he was about to say something a little embarrassing.

   "You guys are like a family to me. I've only known you for a couple months, but you make me feel like I finally have a home, and I can't even tell you how grateful I am," the youngest admitted, drenched cheeks even redder than they were before, before he left the words to rest in the silence of the room.

    That last sentence was heart breaking, but attention-grabbing. So someone finally spoke up.

    "Jeongin, did something happen? With you and your parents?" The question came from Chan. Everyone had been wondering, but no one wanted to press him before now.

    "Well, sort of," Jeongin chuckled dryly, pressing the heel of his hand into his eye. "...I'm an orphan."

     And then there was no more sound filling up the room, not even the sound of air puffing out of faces because they all seemed to be holding their breaths all of a sudden.

    It was just that... Jeongin had never mentioned anything about it. They had all always assumed that he was just like them, with their living parents and homes to go back to.

   "I'm so sorry."

    "It's fine. I hardly remember them. I was pretty much a baby when it happened."

    "Then who raised you?" Changbin asked, softly.

     "I did."

    Minho's heart ached.

    He'd always felt connected to Jeongin. He'd watched intently as Jeongin had slowly opened up, just bit by bit, to his newfound friend group. And now there was this.

    Minho had living parents. He had two siblings. Still, to be honest he felt as if, just like Jeongin, he had no family. His heart ached so badly with a longing to feel the same thing Jeongin had just admitted to. He was starting to panic, because now his eyes were getting teary and that was bad.

     Feeling as if he had a home... Minho couldn't deny the way the thought of such a thing being possible gripped him so tightly and set his heart to throbbing with desire so much he was fighting to keep from gasping for breath. So he pressed his wrist against his lips as hard as he could.

     He'd always had a vague but overwhelming sense of being both different and distant from everyone. The way Jeongin was. The way Jeongin used to be, before all this happened. How could Jeongin manage to sit there, nestled in Hyunjin's arms, and tell a roomful of boys tender, personal things? How was he not afraid of looking—

    At 5:16 PM on Christmas Day (or Night?), Minho finally got it. Kind of.

   Eyes wide with startled realization, he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, preparing to be plunged into still more introspection.

『 ↳✧･ﾟ

i guess i always sort of knew, but it was more of a subconscious thing.

since i was a kid, i've been so incredibly afraid of looking weak. and i guess that's why i'm miserable.

would i be happier if i just... didn't care?  if i were a little more like felix, and didn't hide my feelings; if i let them bring me closer like jeongin, would i be better off? stronger?

if i was comfortable with what i wanted, and not afraid to try to get it, like seungmin and hyunjin, and bold like changbin, would i be satisfied?

if i was always genuine and accepting, like chan and like...

jisung...

ugh! this is so frustrating!

i hate the way i am. the way i act. the way i think. i hate myself. i am weak and i know it, but i can't let anyone else know.

i don't want to be the way i am and i've always known that. i've never been satisfied with myself, but when i look at them and imagine myself acting the same way, i hate that even more. it doesn't fit me.

what am i supposed to do???

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ 』

    Before any of them knew it, it had gotten late, and they were putting their coats back on to go, and leave Jeongin to get some rest, leaving him in the care of Seungmin (who had been oddly quiet this whole time). Minho watched Chan smile kindly and gently wipe away Jeongin's still-flowing tears with his thumb.   

    Poor Jeongin had started letting out about fifteen years' worth of held-back tears, and he couldn't stop them now.

    "Merry Christmas, Jeongin," Chan murmured. "I'm glad to call you my family, y'know?"

    Minho rushed back to his house because he wasn't sure how much longer he could keep it together while listening to things like that,and also while repeatedly nearly making eye contact with Jisung.

꘎♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡꘎

DANG IT ALMOST GOT TO BE CHAPTER 25 :(

so i actually only started putting in the dates a little bit before i started publishing.. meaning i wrote the story and then had to figure out the dates... and in my mind there was a lot of time between the chapters that happen during christmas break so basically december was at least two months long. and then i had to try figuring out dates and realized that :') oh well

next up is something special! any guesses?