••• THIRTY-TWO •••
Sophie

    I grimaced as I ran my fingers across my temple and stared in disgust at the stitches on the crown of my hairline. "I look grotesque." I mumbled as I dropped the mirror down on to my lap table and Katie chuckled as she sat next to me.

  "You wish, Soph. You look amazing for someone who just survived an awful car accident and had a baby." She complimented and I flinched at the mention of my baby.

    It had been two days since I found out about her and I still hadn't found the courage to meet her. She's here in the NICU at the hospital and the nurses give me updates on her every day, but I just can't bring myself to see her. I was too scared that if I saw her she would become real. I looked down at my phone on the table and saw a picture of a very pregnant me and Ashton smiling at each other on my lock screen and it made me feel weird.

    It was so strange to see myself pregnant, but have no memory of it. I took a ragged breath as I looked up at Katie and noticed her staring at me worriedly. "Have you... seen her yet?" I asked nervously and Katie gave me a small smile as she nodded.

  "Yes, Ashton let me hold her for the first time yesterday and she's absolutely breathtaking." She whispered and I slowly nodded as I looked down at my hands.

    Everyone kept telling me how beautiful she looked, that she was getting stronger every day, and that I could visit her whenever I wanted. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was too much of a coward. "When do you think you'll visit her?" Katie asked, breaking me out of my thoughts and I shrugged.

  "I don't know if I'll ever want to visit her if I'm being honest." I whispered, ashamed of admitting it out loud, but it was the truth. I know she was my daughter, but since I had no memory of ever being pregnant it was like I was missing that bond that you form when you find out you're having a baby.

  "Don't say that, Soph. You don't mean it-"

  "But, I do," I croaked out as tears stung my eyes and I looked up at Katie to see her staring at me with so much pity in her eyes. "I do mean it. I don't have those feelings a mother is supposed to have when she has a child. It's like I was robbed of this beautiful experience and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. What if I meet her and I still feel as empty as I do now? She doesn't deserve to have a mother who doesn't love her. She and Ashton deserve the girl in these pictures, but I don't know how to find her." I sob as I hold up my phone, showing Katie the lock screen.

  "I wish more than anything that I could remember at least one moment of what it felt like being pregnant and being in love with, Ashton. But, I don't think I ever will." Katie wiped away a tear as she reached out with her other hand and grasped mine firmly.

  "Sophia, I cannot imagine how terrifying this all must be for you. But, I was there with you since the beginning of your relationship with Ashton and I can promise you with everything I have that you were head over heels in love with that man. You looked at him like he hung the moon, the sun, and the stars! And you loved every single moment of your pregnancy. From the mood swings to the morning sickness, you loved every second of it." She said sternly and before I could argue with her, she grabbed my phone and unlocked it, something I haven't been brave enough to do since my Mom gave it to me last night. "Here," She said handing it back to me then stood up. "I'm going to go get something and while I'm gone I want you to watch every video in your camera roll until I get back." She said and I shook my head, prepared to lock my phone and throw it out the window but she placed her hand over mine that was holding it and gave me a reassuring smile.

  "You can do it, Soph. I know you can." She assured me and then released my hand. I watched her walk out of my room and I took in deep breaths as I slowly lifted my phone with shaky hands and pressed play on the first video.

  "Hi, baby!" My smiling face appeared on the screen and it looked like I was at the United Center wearing a Blackhawks jersey. "I am officially four months pregnant with you today and I decided that I'm going to record videos once a month to document you growing until you get here." I panned down and tilted the camera to show a slight bump on my stomach that I only noticed when I placed my hand over it. "You can't really tell I'm pregnant with your Daddy's jersey on, but you're growing perfectly! You are about the size of an avocado right now and strangely enough, all I want to eat is avocados."

    I chuckled along with myself in the video and felt myself start to smile at seeing how happy I looked. "I just want you to know that your Daddy and I are so unbelievably excited for you to get here and we love you so much. I'll update you again next month, baby. Bye!" I wiped away a tear that had fallen as I swiped to the next video and froze at the image before me.

    Ashton and I were frozen on the screen and I felt myself hesitate before pressing play, but I knew I had to watch these videos and stop being such a coward. I pressed play and watched intently. "Hi, baby!" Ashton and I greeted the camera with a wave. "I am now five months pregnant with you today and baby, you are growing so quickly! You are now about the size of a banana, but I'm still hung up on avocados so no changes there." I teased and Ashton chuckled.

  "We can't wait for you to get here, baby, and we love you so much." Ashton grinned at me and then looked at the camera. God, we looked so happy, I thought to myself as I watched us wave goodbye to the camera and the video ended.

    I wasn't being fair to either of them by pushing them away just because I was scared. I took in a deep breath and swiped to the next video. "Hi, baby," I greeted the video with a small smile and I looked so tired. "I am officially six months pregnant with you today and baby, you are kicking my ass with this nausea crap." I sighed in the video and I chuckled as I watched myself smirk at the camera. "You are arriving in less than three months and to say I'm scared would be an understatement," I chuckled in the video and then I placed my hand on my bump and went silent for a moment.

  "I'm not scared of you getting here, I absolutely can't wait! But, I am scared of not being the perfect Mom that you deserve." I admitted and I frowned at myself. "I know no Mom is perfect and that we're all human, we make mistakes and we learn as we grow, but I just want to be the best mom that I can be for you. I promise I will try my hardest to make you proud to call me your Mom, baby. Just know that no matter what happens, if we get into fight or God forbid something ever happens to me, just know that I love you with all my heart and nothing will ever change that." I said sternly to the camera and I cried as I let those words sink in.

    I really did love this baby. I may not remember getting pregnant, but I can see in these videos how much we wanted to have her. I was about to call Ashton when the door to my room opened and in walked Katie with Ashton following behind her, pushing a wheelchair. "Hey, Soph," Ashton greeted me hesitantly with a small wave. I hadn't seen or talked to him since I exploded two days ago, but the fact that he was still here gave me hope that he wasn't giving up on me just yet. "Is it okay if we go for a ride somewhere?" He walked up to me with the wheelchair and I nodded as I pulled the blanket off of me.

  "Can you help me up?" I asked nervously and he grinned as he nodded and walked around the wheelchair to grab my hands. I slowly turned toward the edge of the bed and placed my feet on the ground. Thank God for no-slip socks, I thought as I squeezed Ashton's hands and he pulled me up as if I weighed nothing. My hands released his and frantically grasped his forearms when I felt like I was going to fall back onto the bed and he pulled me flush against him.

    He smirked down at me as I felt myself start to blush from being held by him and he stroked my back gently before turning and helping me into the wheelchair. "Thank you for not letting me fall." I breathed out, unable to meet his gaze because I was so embarrassed for how I acted just from his touch. He placed a finger under my chin and tilted my head to meet his stare.

  "I'll always be there to catch you when you fall, Soph." He said sternly and I felt my heart literally skip a beat from his words. God Damn, I must be the luckiest girl in the world to have this man as my boyfriend even though I have no memory of it.

  "Well, let's go for this ride." I said, clearing my throat and looking up at Katie to see her smirking at us.

    Ashton pushed me around the hospital with Katie walking next to me. We pulled up to the entrance of the NICU and I felt myself freeze as I realized where they were taking me. "Wait, please, I don't know if I'm ready to meet her yet." I admitted shakily and Katie grabbed my hand.

  "You will never be ready, Soph. We just want you to see her, you don't have to hold her or anything, okay?" Katie assured me and I gave a hesitant nod as the doors opened and we entered the NICU.

    Even though I had no plans of holding her, I had to wash my hands before entering and they shook so badly that Ashton had to help me dry them. "It's going to be okay, Soph. I promise." He said sternly as he squeezed my hands and I wanted so desperately to believe him, but he had no way of knowing that.

    We pulled up outside her room and I felt my breath hitch in my throat as I read her name on the door. "You named her Aurora?" I asked looking up at Ashton and he smiled as he nodded.

  "Yeah, you told me that you had that name picked out ever since you were a little girl." He said and then when I began to cry, worry appeared on his face. "Was that not the right name? If not, we can change it-"

  "No, no! That's the correct name." I said quickly and took a ragged breath as I gave him a reassuring smile. Hearing her name made me even more confident about meeting her. "I'm ready to meet her, I think." I whispered and he smiled down at me as he nodded then Katie held open the door for us.

    He slowly pushed me inside and I felt my heart pound against my chest as he pushed me towards her bassinet. I couldn't really see her from this height and I looked up at Ashton. "Can you help me up? I can't see her." He quickly helped me up and I held onto him like my life depended on it. I know he could feel my heart hammering against my chest and he looked down at the bassinet and a huge grin appeared on his face before he looked back up at me.

  "It's okay, Soph. Look at our daughter. You can do it, baby." He whispered encouragingly and I gave a shaky nod as I slowly turned my head to look down at our daughter.

    Tears escaped from my eyes as the most beautiful baby girl stared up at me with such tiny eyes that she literally stole the breath out of my lungs and my heart. I let out a choked chuckle that sounded more like a sob as I grinned down at her. "Hi, baby..." I breathed out as I slowly reached down and touched her tiny fist. "I'm your Mommy. I'm so happy to finally meet you." I sobbed and her tiny little hand grabbed my finger firmly. "She's so strong." I chuckled looking up at Ashton and Katie who were both smiling at me proudly and crying.

    In that moment, I knew that even though may memories might never come back, I'll never forget this moment for as long as I lived.