HK Book Review Shop
The Stalker by Olivia_Benedetti

Thank you for your submission, it is really appreciated.

Reviewed on 15.11.23

Opening Scene:
🔸Does the story begin with an interesting hook, creating a desire to read more?
The story begins with Jesse glaring at Olivia. The beginning does not paint a picture of the environment or the conflict involved. Due to the switch between third and first person, it throws off the flow for the beginning. I recommend choosing one perspective to fix the beginning.

🔹Does the manuscript begin in the right place?
The best place to start your book may be the second paragraph because the sentence gives a reason to read on.

Characterization & Motivation:
🔸Are the characters compelling, sympathetic, or someone you can root for?
The characters do not show or display any desires until The Stalker Plan is revealed. We do not feel sympathy for Jesse as we do not know what has motivated him to come up with the Stalker Plan. We also do not know what backstory Jesse has gone through to resort to the Stalker Plan. What things has Jesse done previously that did not work which encouraged him to come up with the Stalker Plan? Was he encouraged to stalk Olivia?

🔹Do the characters feel real and three-dimensional, with distinct voices, flaws, and virtues?
There is some character's voice. This can be increased once one perspective is chosen: first or third.

🔸Are their goals clear and proactive enough to influence the plot (not passive)?
The goals are not proactive enough to influence the plot as we don't know enough about them.

🔹Do their motivations seem believable, with well-drawn and appropriate emotion?
The motivations seem believable but without any real context into Jesse’s backstory, it is hard to understand at the same time. It may be better to get an insight into Jesse, maybe he fears being rejected.

🔸Are the secondary characters well-rounded and enhance the story rather than overwhelming the story or seeming like they should be cut?
We do not know Olivia's motivations at this time.

🔹Are the relationships between the characters believable and not contrived?
The relationships are not fully fleshed enough to understand as this is the first chapter.

Plot & Conflict:
🔸Are the internal and external conflicts well defined for each main character?
There seems to be a lack of internal conflict in the first chapter. However, we do see Jesse express guilt for coming up with this plan but not a mental obstacle. Again, we do not know his Stalker Plan in detail.

🔹Does the premise avoid cliché and/or bring a fresh perspective to an old idea?
The premise uses a typical cliche. The characters may change this perspective going forward.

Pacing:
🔸Does the story move along at an appropriate pace, without rushing or dragging?
The pacing seems fine for now as this is the first chapter.

Setting & Worldbuilding:
🔸Are descriptions vivid and give a clear sense of time and place?
I do not have any description to go off from to paint a picture as to where they are.

🔹Do the details enhance rather than distract from the story?
There aren't many details regarding the characters or environment.

Dialogue:
🔸Is the dialogue natural and appropriate for the story, not stilted or overly narrative?
The dialogue is good.

🔹Is there an appropriate mix of dialogue and narrative?
There is an appropriate mix of dialogue and narrative.

Craft:
🔸Does the writing "show" the scene with the senses, using "telling" only as appropriate?
There are not many senses used. Make sure to include these later on for immersion.

🔹Does the writing quality allow the story to shine through and draw the reader in, or are flaws jarring or intrusive?
The perspective switching is jarring.

🔸Is the tone appropriate and consistent for the story?
The tone is appropriate for the story and it starts off well.

🔹Is the point of view (and any changes) handled appropriately and consistently?
As mentioned previously, the point of view needs to be handled a little bit better.

Overall Impression:
🔸Is the voice unique, fresh, or interesting?
The tone of voice is good and I love the song lyrics being put into the book. It might be better if Jesse sang it.

🔹Does the story deliver on the promise of its premise and opening scenes?
If we can see a calm before the storm, even if this is one of two chapters in Olivia's point of view.

🔸From a reader's point of view, did you enjoy reading this story?
I feel the chapter is short due to the lyrics, but I wouldn't mind reading on. It would have been more interesting if we can see a rise in conflict towards the end of the chapter. Even if it is as simple as Jesse showing his motivation to ruin Olivia's life.

Additional Questions for Comment:
🔸Are there any confusing sections that should be made clearer?
N/A

🔹Do any sections take you out of the story?
N/A

🔸Is the story a good fit for the stated genre, and if not, why not?
The story is a really good fit for the genre.

🔹Who are your favorite—and least favorite—characters and why?
N/A

🔸What aspects are especially likable or unlikable about the protagonist(s)?
Olivia comes off as a flat character, she needs goals, desires, obstacles. We need to see her point of view.

🔹What three things worked best for you?
The set up of the Stalker Plan, Jesse and his anger.

🔸What three things worked least for you?
Point of view shifts, song lyrics could be reduced.

Specific Request
You asked for input regarding your cover, blurb and character development of Jesse.

The cover could be improved upon as it fits into the mystery/thriller genre. Therefore, a dark pallet with an ambiguous feel to it would increase engagement in the story.

The blurb is engaging and piques the reader's interest into wanting to read your book.

Rewritten Version of Blurb
Olivia Winter never thought she would be the target of a stalker. That was until, mysterious notes and gifts appeared at her workplace and home. Someone is watching her every move.

With no leads and no suspects, she delves deeper into the mystery and realises her stalker may be someone she trusts.

With her life on the line, will Olivia be able to uncover the identity of her stalker before it's too late?

The character development of Jesse cannot be commented on until there are more chapters to go off from.

Overall Review
Your book starts off well, it paints a clear picture of the themes to expect. Future chapters should delve deeper into the motivations, backstory, obstacles and fears of the characters and how this changes throughout the book. I enjoyed the read, even though it is short, and really liked the song lyrics you have put in it.

Note for the Author

Dear Author,

You may find this review valuable, you may not. However, this is one opinion on your work.

Your book is special as you have spent countless hours creating it from your creativity, hard work, and determination. If your book is a first draft, remember this will need to be edited.

No book, art piece is perfect. And, that's okay.

No one knows your story better than you do. As long as you feel proud of it, consider your book a success.

Reviews can only offer suggestions that could improve your book. Do not take this review to heart.

Trust yourself. You poured your heart and soul into this book, and that is something to be proud of.

Keep writing because one day your book will be someone's favourite.

From,
Harjeet Kaur
The Founder of HK Review Shop