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Dungeon by Ablazeisaleo

Thank you for your submission, it is really appreciated.

Reviewed on 26.11.23
Reviewed by BeckyAnyanwu

Opening scene:
🔸Does the story begin with an interesting hook, creating a desire to read more?
I liked it. I really liked it. The descriptions were actually the things that built up the tension, as far as I am concerned. Bryan looks like an interesting and disturbed person that I might just love (I am serious, yes. I am okay). But there was one thing, the part where I found out that it was a dream; it was confusing. I would recommend using italics when writing about nightmares. So that when you begin the next paragraph, it will be clear that the words above described a dream the person had.

Also, I saw that the author had attached some awards and features to the chapters of your book. In my opinion, if you look at the works of other million-reads books on Wattpad, you'll realize that no one does that. I would advise that you attach those stickers to your cover and add the features to your blurb (such that it will be the first thing people read when they see your blurb) instead of making a whole chapter for them. Just imagine you're submitting the book for wattys, it'll come across as if you're flaunting your achievements and most of those awards/communities are not affiliated with wattpad. So it may not be recognised. I hope I didn't sound too serious (forgive me, I am a nocturnal person)  : )

🔹Does the manuscript begin in the right place?
Certainly. I liked the author's narration style. It surely began at the right place.

Characterization and motivation:
🔸Are the characters compelling, sympathetic, or someone you can root for?
First, let's talk about this. It distracted me (sorry)

I was just wondering why 'irritation' was in italics. Surely he wasn't saying it, so I wonder why the author decided to write the word in italics.

Secondly, yes Bryan is actually a compelling character. Because of the author's descriptions, I began to feel sympathetic for him (losing two parents is not an easy thing to experience).

🔹Do the characters feel real and three-dimensional, with distinct voices, flaws, and virtues?
As said before, the author's descriptive style is compelling, but I found that Bryan's voice may not have felt real to me. It's easy to know when he's speaking but maybe the author should try a little bit to make Bryan's voice unique. Again, I like the author's descriptive style (to tell the truth, I am beginning to see well-written books on Wattpad these days).

Secondly, I think the author should clarify who is speaking in this paragraph below;

Was it the man who attacked or was it Bryan? I think they should be separated. I have noticed it in some paragraphs, where two different people are in the same paragraph. Try to start a new paragraph for a new person speaking.

Also, a little tip;

I learnt this from my editor, when someone speaking is interrupted or the person hasn't finished their sentence, try using a hyphen. E.g "I was just joining—"

🔸Are their goals clear and proactive enough to influence the plot (not passive)?
Of course. The author made sure to give Bryan a goal.

🔹Do their motivations seem believable, with well-drawn and appropriate emotion?
I didn't feel emotions from the words. Whereas Bryan's motivations were believable, the author didn't make me feel any emotions through his dialogue.

🔸Are the secondary characters well-rounded and enhance the story rather than overwhelming the story or seeming like they should be cut?

I don't think the characters were well rounded but  do understand the secondary characters. I do understand Arnold and Jessica. Not sure I understand the rest.

🔹Are the relationships between the characters believable and not contrived?
No, I don't think so. It seems forced, though. But I liked how the author made all the characters come together with one common goal.

Plot and conflict:
🔸Are the internal and external conflicts well defined for each main character?
Yes, it is. The author made us feel something for Bryan. The internal conflicts were well defined (mainly in the first chapter).

🔹Are the internal and external conflicts organic and believable, i.e. arising out of characterization and circumstance rather than feeling contrived or forced?
The internal conflicts were believable as I could see that Bryan was really interested in finding the person responsible for his father's death. However, the external conflicts were unbelievable especially during his fight with Ethan. It was rushed (trust me, even when someone annoys you, you won't just hit them on the face and try to kill them in real life.)

🔸Are there enough stakes and/or tension throughout to make it a "page turner"?
Page turner, yes (averagely). Tension, not so much.

🔹Does the premise avoid cliché and/or bring a fresh perspective to an old idea?
The author brought a new perspective to the thriller world. I like it. I don't think there were any cliches.

🔸Are the plot twists believable yet unexpected?
Never knew that Bryan could beat up Ethan brutally like that (this is a joke). To the real business, yes there were plot twists especially with the person who Bryan believed killed his dad.

🔹Do the characters act or react to events in a plausible, realistic, or believable way?

I find that some of the characters do not behave in a realistic manner. Well, Bryan does but not so much. It just feels so forced.

Pacing:

🔸Do scenes progress in a realistic, compelling manner and flow with effective transitions?
Sure! I like how the author links scenes together.
🔹Does every scene add to and seem important to the story?
Definitely.

🔸Does the story move along at an appropriate pace, without rushing or dragging?
Yes, it does. I don't think there's any rushing. The pace is just fine.

🔹Is there a hook at the end of each chapter or scene that makes you want to read more?
Yes, there is. That's the main reason why I am always interested in moving to the next chapter.

🔸Is the story free from information dumps or backstory that slow the pace of the story?
No information dumps at all. The author was wise enough to integrate those useful information dumps in several pieces/scenes of the story. Just like a thriller book should be.

Setting and word building:
🔸Are descriptions vivid and give a clear sense of time and place?
Sure, they are.

🔹Do the details enhance rather than distract from the story?
The details enhanced the story, but not that much.

Dialogue:
🔸Is the dialogue natural and appropriate for the story, not stilted or overly narrative?
Dialogues didn't seem natural especially with the capital letters and excess exclamation marks. Just didn't work for me.

🔹Does dialogue move the story forward and reveal the characters?
Yes, it does but not so much. The tension and description did the job.

🔸Are characters' voices consistent and distinct from one another?
Yes, they are. It's just that the author got me confused by writing two dialogues from two different persons in one paragraph.

Craft:
🔸Does the writing "show" the scene with the senses, using "telling" only as appropriate?
Of course, it does.

🔹Does the writing quality allow the story to shine through and draw the reader in, or are flaws jarring or intrusive?
The writing quality is good, there are some minor mistakes. The flaws are not that intrusive.

🔸Is the tone appropriate and consistent for the story?
Yes, I believe so.

🔹Is the point of view (and any changes) handled appropriately and consistently?
No. In one paragraph, the author focuses on Bryan's feelings and then in another paragraph, the author focuses on another character's thoughts. I would advise that the author make one chapter relative to only one character and another for another chapter with connected povs.

Overall impression:
🔸Is the voice unique, fresh, or interesting?
Yes, it is.

🔹Does the story deliver on the promise of its premise and opening scenes?
Sure! The opening scenes were my favorite! Bring on the misery and action!

🔸From a reader's point of view, did you enjoy reading this story?
Definitely but some mistakes interrupted me a bit. Overall, It was good.

Additional questions for comments:
🔸Are there any confusing sections that should be made clearer?
Just the confusing dialogues of two different people in a paragraph.

🔹Do any sections take you out of the story?
No.

🔸Is the story a good fit for the stated genre, and if not, why not?
Definitely!

🔹Who are your favorite—and least favorite—characters and why?
Jessica- she seems like a calm person and she definitely knows what to do and not to do.

🔸What aspects are especially likable or unlikable about the protagonist(s)?
Bryan- He's too rash, quick to act and slow to think. He allows his emotions to overcome him easily.

🔹What three things worked best for you?
Descriptions
Secondary characters.
Plot.

🔸What three things worked least for you?
Dialogues
Protagonist
Paragraph structure (related to dialogues also)

Note for the Author

Dear Author,

You may find this review valuable, you may not. However, this is one opinion on your work.

Your book is special as you have spent countless hours creating it from your creativity, hard work, and determination. If your book is a first draft, remember this will need to be edited.

No book, art piece is perfect. And, that's okay.

No one knows your story better than you do. As long as you feel proud of it, consider your book a success.

Reviews can only offer suggestions that could improve your book. Do not take this review to heart.

Trust yourself. You poured your heart and soul into this book, and that is something to be proud of.

Keep writing because one day your book will be someone's favorite.

I love reading thrillers, that's why I picked yours and I wasn't disappointed at your fresh idea and non cliche plot.

From,
Becky Anyanwu.