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"I have become a dead soul roaming amongst the living."
👑S E L E N E👑

It's been a year. 365 days of desperation, depression, and devastation.

I feel trapped, alone, scared, and sad. She's not here, she's gone and she left me. My best friend left me alone and it's almost a year since that day, since she let go.

I'm angry but I miss her, I miss her desperately. She should be beside me, laughing and joking, just goofing around. But she was friends with me and nothing ever good came to those within my vicinity. I mean, come on! Even my supposedly room plant died even if I water it every day.

She was my first friend, she was there for everything, until now.

I'm clinically diagnosed with depression and anger management.

She left and I can't blame anyone because all of it was my fault, even if I didn't mean for things to turn out that way.

Now, I'm angry. Angry at her for leaving me, angry for my family for forcing me to stupid therapy, and angry at myself because I couldn't do anything about it.

My therapist said that I was getting better because I can finally talk to people without breaking down or being angry, which happens all the time. But I beg to differ. I don't think I've improved a lot. Sure, I'm back to my old self, the old 'sarcastic lil bitch' but that's when I'm around people.

I remember my parents the way they were when I was just a kid. They were so happy, so carefree, so beautiful. I remember the way they would hold on to me like I was as precious as a gem. I remember when both of them tucked me into bed, my mother would tell me a story about her and dad and he would chuckle. I remember the days that were so full of life, peace, and happiness.

I also remember my brother. How he was so protective of me when we were little. How he told me that I can tell him anything. How he let me sleep beside him when I was scared of the lightning that roared. How he got the bullies to stop bullying me. How he cared about me so sincerely then.

I don't know how everything changed.

If I could, I'd never go home.

When I was on the sixth grade, I was top of the class. My parents were proud and so was my brother.

Suddenly, everything changed.

I really don't understand. They wanted me to solely focus on my studies. More on me rather than on my brother. Perhaps it was because he was sporty, I was not. I was always compared to him, how he should be my role model, how he is way better than me.

My brother became distant when we entered highschool, I was fifteen. He made new friends and I had a hard time making even one. By that time, I was already depressed because of the daily pressure my parents gave to me.

They became more strict, scary, impulsive, and absentee. I knew just then that if I wanted to be free from criticism, I knew better than to tell them anything personal. So, I remained to myself.

When I did manage to find friends, I managed to screw one of it up. That's when suicide really pressed hard and I couldn't help but succumb into it's open arms.

On my sixteenth birthday, I was rushed to the hospital. Because I nearly died due to over dosage.

But you know what, it didn't matter. They didn't think I was suicidal. They thought that I just misread the dosage. They thought I was being stupid. So, I was scolded once again.

It doesn't matter, being alive.

Months after that incident, my mother made me go to therapy because I was beginning to have issues.

It's been a year. Nothing has changed. I am still depressed and low-key suicidal. I mean, if I was in the road and there was a speeding car, I wouldn't exactly get out of the way.

I've also become an independent person. I didn't need to rely on anyone. I can do great by myself.

Or maybe they'll do better without me.

I have become a dead soul roaming amongst the living. Nothing gives me joy now.

Laughter, though. Laughter is the strongest suit of armor anyone can wear. Laughing is almost the same as happiness. Almost. But almost is never enough.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

SO, how was it?

Chapter 1 is so boring. Well, hopefully, 2 isn't so bad.

Don't forget to vote, comment, and share.

Lots of love,
Mala lightbringer

P.S. if you know her, I love you.