❝No more counting dollars, we'll be counting stars.❞
-One Republic

***

"It's so beautiful up there," Maya comments as we lay under the stars, the sun having already set across the horizon. "So colorful and vast. I can understand why the idea of space being so vast would scare some people, but how could it not amaze them? It never ends. You could take a rocket into space and keep going forever, and you'd never stop. That's incredible. It reminds me of the ocean almost, only if the ocean didn't have an end, for it's so vast, too. Weird how I'm comparing the universe to a small body of water when put next to the galaxies, but I guess it makes sense to me."

"I understand what you're saying," I tell her. "Both the ocean and the universe are vast. Just because they have a different vastness, doesn't mean they're not comparable."

"You have a way of taking everything I say and making it seem as if everyone could agree with it," she laughs.

"That's because what you say is full of knowledge," I smile. "Knowledge that I'm lucky enough to make it into something understandable. Not that what you said wasn't," I clarify.

"No worries, I understood you. Another example," she smiles, as she turns her head and looks over at me. "Earlier, when I told you not to let anyone burn out your light, you meant it, right? When you told me you wouldn't?"

"Of — of course, I did," I assure her, wondering why this is being brought up again.

"Good. The world is cruel, Clark, just never realize that. Open you eyes to the good, force out the bad, live for only you. Don't care about everyone around, for when a heart cares and worries about too many people, it dies quicker. The selfish live longer, remember that."

"I don't want to be selfish, though," I mutter.

"I know you don't, but I want you to be. I want you to have a full life. To live long and prosper. I want you to become whatever you want to become. I want you to be something large, something the world will appreciate. You deserve to be appreciated, Clark, and not just by me or your family. You deserve to have the whole world looking at you, praising you for what you are. You're taken for granted, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you caring about everyone, and having no one return the favors. You deserve all that you've given everyone, plus more. You're a beautiful human, Clark, a beautiful human."

"You've really had a way with words these past few days, a way of making me feel just from what you've said. Normally, I like when I'm shown love instead of just told it, but how you tell it, makes me feel it as well. You make me out to be something larger than what I am, and it both makes me feel excited and nervous. You didn't want to be held to something higher than what you are, yet that's what you're doing to me. I'm not as wonderful as you think, Maya, for we're all human," I reply, not understanding how she could see me through such eyes.

"And I'm not as wonderful as you think, yet you still think it," she points out. "Maybe, we're both wonderful. Maybe, we're the reason Zeus split people into two, for who knows? We could have been the ones he was scared of, the humans with two heads. I love that thought, from Zeus splitting soulmates, to us being the reason why. Maybe, we loved each other so much, he couldn't stand our power. After all, what's more powerful than love?" She asks me, her brown eyes staring back into my green ones. Her beautiful face looking into mine, and I want to ask her how I became so lucky. How I became the one to lie next to her tonight, to have explored parts of Chicago with her, to just have known her. Billions and billions of people, and I get her. I may not be a lucky person, but that's pretty lucky to me.

"I like that idea, too, I love that idea. Maybe, that is how it happened. If it is, though, it shows we're perfect for each other," I point out, wanting her to tell me she'll be in a relationship with me, that we can make it official. I'll gladly wait my whole life for her, but I don't want to waste away my life, wondering if someone is going to come snatch her away from me. She's beautiful and bright, who wouldn't want her? But then again, she's also damaged. She has things in her life that have changed her, things that have made her to be a different person than what she would be if she never experienced them. Then again, it also makes her who she is today. The amazing, bright, funny, lovely, girl that I have fallen in love with. No one could ever love her like I do, and I believe that every person deserves the most love they can find. I'll give her the most love, I just hope she realizes this.

"We are, Clark, but I'm just not ready. I will be someday, though, okay? If you are willing to wait for me, I'm willing to try it," she whispers, before looking back into the night sky. "You deserve better, though. I've warned you of this plenty of times."

"If there's better than you, Maya, than some sort of witchcraft is involved or some sort of cloning. No one is better than you, not in my eyes. My eyes only see you."

"You need glasses then," she laughs lightly. "I'm serious, Clark."

"What does that say for you?" I laugh with her.

"I do have contacts," she points out, before falling into a fit of giggles.

"That's terrible!" I exclaim, before we find each other rolling around in the blankets, laughing and tickling one another until neither of us can breathe.

"I don't want this weekend to end," she says after a moment of collecting our breaths. "I don't want tomorrow to come and reality to set in. I don't want any of that. I want to replay these past two days over and over again, finding ourselves in another dimension where Monday will never come. I want that so badly, so badly," she whispers.

"Nothing's going to happen tomorrow, okay? If anyone does anything or says anything to you, you tell me. I'll straighten it out, okay? I promise you."

"You can't protect me from every bully, Clark, no matter how much you may want to. Take off your cape, Kent, you're just a human like everyone else," she sighs.

"I may be human like everyone else, but aren't I special to you? Aren't I worth something more than everyone else around you? If so, wouldn't you do the same for me?" I ask her, hoping if the rules were reversed, that she would.

"Yes," she replies without a moments hesitation. "Yes, I would."

"There you go."

"I just know that you can't protect me from every little demon that comes crashing into my life, that's all I'm saying," she points out.

"That may be so, but I told you I'd protect you from anything while I was around. If I'm not around you, I can't protect you. At school, I can barely protect you these days, with our schedule jacked, but that doesn't mean I won't try. I'll do anything to protect you, Maya, anything."

"I believe you too much, Clark, and maybe that's where the problem is."

"There is not problem in that, Maya, not one single problem."

She looks over at me once again, before leaning in and giving me a quick kiss. "Don't let them burn your fire. I've said this quite a lot tonight, but I mean it. I love you, okay? I'm tired, so I'm going to go to sleep," she tells me, before rolling over.

"Okay," I reply, my stomach telling me she's trying to hide from something. Trying to force away these feelings that are inside of her, or maybe it's what she's going through. Maybe, it's something she just can't seem to escape. No matter what it is, I give her space, and roll over, only to fall asleep minutes later with the girl lying next to me on my mind.

**********

I wake up to my mom calling me downstairs, telling me if I don't leave in ten minutes, I'll be late. "Coming!" I call back, before rolling onto my back and rubbing my eyes. The sun is rather bright this morning, making it hard to see, especially with sleep still heavy on me. "Morning," I tell Maya, only to not hear anything in return. "Morning, sleepy head," I say louder, as I turn my head, only to find the space next to me, empty. "No," I mumble under my breath, before untangling myself from all of the blankets and making my way down the stairs, only to find my mom at the stove cooking pancakes.

"You want some?" She asks, before flipping one.

"Where's Maya?" I ask, my brain swimming with the thought of her having left me. Then again, I didn't do anything last night, or at least, I didn't think I did. I just hope I didn't push her away with talking about wanting to marry her or wanting to protect her. If I pushed her away, if I finally made her crack, I would never be able to forgive myself. Never.

"Her mom came by and picked her up about an hour ago," she shrugs, despite the look in her eyes that tells me she didn't want to let Maya go with her own mother.

"Why? I could have taken her to school," I say, wondering why her mother would pick her up.

"Said she had a doctor's appointment," Mom sighs. "I don't want you late for school because of that, so it's a good thing her mother did come, I guess."

"It's strange," I say out loud. "I don't remember Maya ever going to the doctor's."

"Maybe, she's sick, Clark, I don't know. What I know is that you need to go upstairs and get ready for school. You have to leave in like three minutes," she scolds me.

I don't worry about what my mother thinks, however, all I worry about is Maya. This all seems very strange to me, all of it, and I can't help but wonder if she's okay. What if they're hurting her? What if she's going through something again? I'm not there to protect her, and it's killing me.

Quickly changing into a different pair of jeans, I check through my phone to see if she's texted me. She hasn't sent me anything, so I send her a quick are you okay? before grabbing my backpack as I walk out of my room.

However, When I open my backpack to put my phone inside, a piece of paper catches my eyes. A piece of pink paper that has doodles all over the back, doodles that only Maya would create, making me feel slightly better.

Setting my backpack down onto the floor, I open the letter, only to see it's rather longer than I had thought. Ignoring the calls from my mother downstairs, I begin to read what my love has written me.

Dear Clark,

You were my darling. I have loved you since I first seen you, I want you to know that. I want you to know that I never told you until recently, because I was scared. I was scared that I would get my heart broken, scared that you'd get to know me and leave, scared that you would see I could never be good enough for you. I'm sorry I wasted so many years hiding from the love that was growing inside of me. I'm sorry I kept pushing it away, only for it to increase when you would smile at me, or tell me one of your famous sweet quotes, or when you told me I was your rainbow. I completely lost it at that moment, and I knew I couldn't force away these feelings, for how could I? You're so wonderful, Clark, so wonderful, and I hope you know that.

If you're reading this, it's because I've left you. I knew I was going to be the one to leave, I knew I was going to say goodbye, and that's why I couldn't let you love me the way you wanted to. I couldn't find myself having you love me, only for your heart to be in this more, and have me completely shatter you. I couldn't do that to you, so I told you I wasn't ready. I lied to you, I made promises with my fingers crossed, but it was all to protect you. Remember when I told you that if you knew what happened to me, you'd be the one that would hurt? Well, I owe it to you to tell you what was going on in my life. You know that my life is not fun. I don't have parents that love me, I don't have friends, I just have you. I have you to tell this all to, for who would I turn to when things got rough? When my dad would beat me, when my mom would push me around, you were there. I have nightmares every night, except for the nights I spend with you. It's as if I was living in a horror movie, and you were the only ending I could see. I would tell you about those problems, Clark, for you could protect me from them. You could take me away from all of that, but this situation, you couldn't take me away from. You couldn't protect me from this, and that's why I kept it to myself. It hurt me, but not nearly as bad as I knew it was going to hurt you.

I have a brain tumor, Clark. It's eaten away a good portion of my brain, and it would cause my radical moods. If I was angry or upset at you in the drop of a hat, this is why. If I seemed to be closed off and angry, this is why. It was making me something I didn't want to be, it was pushing you away and hurting you. It was making me the exact person I never wanted to be, and I didn't want you to see me change. I didn't want you to see me have these mood swings, but I was selfish, for I couldn't leave you. I couldn't drop you, just to protect you. You took me to Chicago, you showed me the stars I'll never be able to explore, you gave me a love that I was never able to experience. You gave me a life in that weekend, a life that was better than all my days added into one. You opened my eyes to a world outside of Woodstock, a world that wouldn't treat me cruelly like my family has. A world full of opportunity. You supported me in my belief of reaching the stars and becoming Astronaut Maya, you supported me through everything. You gave me everything, Clark, and I will forever be grateful. I could never pay you back with the love and kindness you gave me, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be that person, I'm sorry I've made promises I knew I could never keep, I'm sorry I've lied to you, but you have to know that it was just to protect you. If you knew there was something eating away my brain, would you look at me differently? Would I be able to see pity in your eyes? Would you try to go above and beyond for me? You never knew I was battling this, yet you gave me everything. You went above and beyond, thinking I was healthy. You pitied me because of my family, but you never looked at me with pity. You accepted my costumes, because you loved me, not because you told yourself you were going to accept me because of what was going on inside of my body. There are not enough letters in the alphabet to tell you how much I appreciate and love you. There aren't enough emotions that I could show you how much you mean to me. I know you like to be shown love, and I'm sorry I'm not the kind that knows how to show it. I can say it, but showing it is another story.

If you're reading this, it's because I slipped this into your backpack Monday morning before I left for the doctor's. If you're reading this, it's because I knew that on Monday something was coming. If you're reading this, it's because I not only left you, but because I have an appointment with death. I'm dead, Clark, for I couldn't fight this. Not only was it too late, but I didn't want to try chemo and have it fail. I didn't want to press on, when I have a family that told me it wasn't worth fighting for. Mom didn't bat an eyelash when she signed the papers. I know she's happy to be rid of me, I know that, but that's okay. I'm happy to be rid of her, too. I'm sorry, though, that I couldn't stay for you. Don't think you aren't enough, Clark, don't think you won't be on my mind as I lie in that hospital bed and take my last breath. I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone or anything, but I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to watch me lose my hair, watch me turn to a bag of bones, watch me lose my mind. I want you to remember me as Astronaut Maya, not Maya that lost both her mind and hair. I don't want to be thought of as the girl struggling with a brain tumor, a tumor that took her life in a week of finding out it was there. You want to know how we even found out? Dad pushed me down the stairs and I became unconscious. It knocked me out and they took me to the hospital to make sure he didn't kill me. They didn't want to have him end up in jail, you see, so they needed me alive. Blamed it on me missing a step — oh, how clumsy — and told them I fell down myself. The doctor took a CT scan, found the tumor. It was probably from all of those blow to the heads I've taken. Nevertheless, I'm glad it's there. I'm glad I have an escape. This is why I couldn't attend your uncle's funeral. I'm sorry for that, though, I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me the most.

Don't think I'm just giving up, or that life isn't worth it, for you once told me life is very beautiful, and that there's always something to smile about. Life is beautiful, Clark, just not for people like me. Life wasn't good to me, it was cruel and vicious, and always beating me down. I know I only had one year of school left, but it would have taken longer if I did treatment. It would take longer and be harder, for my brain could be fried by then. I didn't want to suffer, so, please don't be sad. Don't cry, Clark, even though I know you already are. You lost your two best friends in two weeks, your Uncle Edmund and me, but you'll move on. You'll learn to be okay, for everyone learns to be okay. You'll find another girl, one who deserves you, and you'll have eight kids. You'll teach them about the stars and you'll become a rocket engineer at NASA. You'll make your parents proud, you'll make me proud, for I know I'll be able to look down on you and watch you. I volunteer to be your guardian angle, to be able to finally reverse the roles and protect you. You've always protected me, now it's my turn. Perhaps, I can pay you back now, for all that you've done. However, I know that I'll never be able to, for you were so wonderful to me. You loved me when no one else did, and I'll be forever grateful. I love you, Clark, please remember that. Please remember that you were the only one for me, that you gave me a life I could have only dreamed of in the weekend we spend together in Chicago. Know that when you kissed me on your balcony, I knew I'd never want to do anything else in my life, for you made me feel alive, wanted, loved. You made me feel as if I could be the person I've always wanted, despite what others may tell me. You made me feel like me, and that was everything. You were everything, Clark, and you still are.

There are certain people in this world that are truly good, but there is no one in this world that is as good as you are. You bring the light to the dull earth, you burned bright for everyone, especially me, and you were my rainbow in dark times. In dark times, and in light times. You were also my star, my star that shone on the path that made me happy. You made me happy, Clark, you made me want to be something more than what I was. You made me want to be something besides the poor girl with family problems. You made me want to shine, and you did. If I shone for you, than that's enough for me.

Don't be sad, darling. You'll see me again someday. You'll be up here before you know it, and you can return to your role of protecting me. However, something tells me you won't need to protect me up here, not with God sitting on His throne. I'll let you, though, if it makes you happy. I want you happy, Clark, that's what I want. I know you're not happy now, not while reading this, but you will be someday. I know that you'll have a void in your life that will never be filled, for I don't believe deaths can ever be filled with other things, but you'll move on. You'll go to college, you'll get a job at NASA, you'll get married, you'll have a family. Don't give up on life, just because I did. Don't let it all waste away, okay? Believe in your happiness, Clark, believe in your rainbows and in how there's always something to smile about. Believe in it all, as long as it makes you happy. Believe in me, if you must, for you were always the one that did. You were the only one that did, and I can't thank you enough. I never will be able to express enough thanks, so I'm not going to try to. As long as you know I'm thankful to have known you, to have loved you, and to have been in your life, than that's good enough for me.

Fix on, Engineer Clark. Fix those rockets, fix whatever makes you happy, but first, fix your heart. I know that's what's broken now, and it's the most important thing out there, so, fix your heart before anything else, okay? If you do that first, you'll be okay, I know you will be.

I love you, Clark, so much. You were enough for me, all right? You were always enough for me, I just didn't have enough years to tell you.

This isn't goodbye, it's I'll see you later, for I will. Somewhere, over the rainbow, we'll meet again.

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I've heard of, once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly,
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

I love you. Forever and always.

Maya, xoxo